36. Holy smokes. That is getting up there. Rounding the corner to 40. 40?!?!?! ME?!?!?!?! It just doesn’t seem right. I don’t feel one bit different (other than wiser, definitely wiser) than I felt 10 years ago. My body feels the same, my spirit feels the same. I feel like, well, Me. I feel like I really shouldn’t even be old enough to talk about 10 years ago, let alone, to have 10 years ago feel like it was yesterday. But here I am, 36 years after the day I entered the world.
Some things about me are so much the same as they were during my first few birthdays: I love to gab, I love basking in the sunshine, I love kicking anyone’s butt at any type of board game, I love to be with the ones I love, I love random information that is unnecessarily stored at the top of my mind (think state capitals…). Today, I sat on my log swing, under my favorite maple tree, with the sun in my face and the wind in my hair, and I was smitten. That moment, that is just so, me.
But there are things about me that I can see have developed (I won’t say ‘changed” because I would be admitting defeat on a 18-year argument between Ed and I): I feel more comfortable with who I am, misgivings, faults, and all. I used to be ashamed of my faults, wished I didn't have them, wished they weren’t a part of me. But I have realized that people are peppered with strengths and weaknesses. There are certain faults I have that I don’t think will change, so I have instead given the world a “love it or leave it” approach. I used to think that the world would just fall into my lap, with everything I have ever wanted. I know I work hard and that I am a good person, and a part of me believed (really, really believed) that because of those two things, that I would be set. But now, I have determined the importance of setting priorities, and pouring my heart and soul into the things that really matter to ME, since I realized it is unrealistic for me to have it all. In the past, I have held people to standards that they were possibly not aware of, and I would be disappointed over and over again because they didn’t live up to my expectations (which they knew nothing of). I have since determined the importance of forgiveness, and try to not hold people to standards that they cannot or will not live up to (still working on this one). I used to believe that my family, friends, my world of people would always be there for me, whenever I needed or wanted them. Even if it would be three months (three years) before I spent time with them. I have learned that NOW is the time to spend, because that person won’t always be there. And my life has become richer (not busier) when I realized that.
In the past 36 years, I have been on top of the world, at the bottom of the heap, and all places in between. So, even though I am not thrilled to leave 35 behind (can’t I just stay there forever???), I face this new year of life with a soul at peace (mostly), a heart full of love, and a better recognition of who I really am. And I kinda like myself :) What a good place to be!
To another 36 (and hopefully more than that) years!!!
