Making Peace

I can't believe it has been six weeks since I have posted. It has been such a long month, November was an incredibly stressful month at work, and I have decided that I don't handle stress very well. I feel as though I was in a haze for the past six weeks, and only recently am I coming out of it. Now, I am feeling better, feeling a little more in control, and am looking forward to Christmas and the birthdays of Alex and Lil.

As a conclusion to my misery last post...I had an encounter last night with people who are so much worse off than me. They stopped over to pick something up. I felt so badly for them, because I know that they are in a much worse situation than I could ever imagine, and I realized that they would probably give anything to have what I have. I felt humbled and ashamed that I could ever want any more in my life when I have three healthy kids, a warm and clean (but small) roof over my head, a fulfilling job, and a good husband. I realized that I have everything that those people would want, and I felt so selfish for being so pitiful. So, I am done with that misery because it doesn't do anyone any good.

I am so happy to be getting rid of the stress of the last six weeks or so, and am glad that I am feeling more like myself. I generally am a very even, optimistic person, and when I start to not feel that way, it freaks me out a little bit. So, here's to feeling stress-free (well, maybe not stress-free, but definitely less) and happy, just in time for the Christmas season!

We are getting ready for two big birthdays in this house. First, Lilly will be turning 5 on the 21st. I can't believe that Lilly is turning 5, it is kind of hard to see your baby getting so big! I was just telling Ed last night that I love the age where she is at right now, and I don't want her to grow up any more. She is so inquisitive right now, and I see so much of myself in her. She is currently obsessed with the letter "L" (because that is the first letter of her name), and she gets so happy anytime she sees an "L". She scours magazine covers and books for "L"s. She is also very interested in spelling, she wants to know how all kinds of words are spelled, truly she is my daughter! She is very curious about everything, she wants to know how everything works. She is at this perfect stage right now, and I just don't want it to go away. It is hard to believe that it has been 5 years since we've had her, it seems like she is still a baby! I guess maybe that is always true of the baby of the family.

And then Alex will be the big double-digits on the 30th. He is also at such a good stage right right now. He is doing very well in school, and is really growing up. He is helpful and has been very easy-going. If anyone knows this boy, easy-going was never a word I could have used to describe him, but he sure is right now! While I am sad to see my kids getting so big, I do love the age that Alex is at. I can actually talk to him about things. I suppose this is the calm before the pre-teen storm! He has turned into a bookworm, and his reading goal for the month of December at school is 1200 pages! I don't even know if I could read 1200 pages. I think Alex has probably the perfect teacher for where he is at right now. She is very encouraging, but not overly so. She pushes him to do his best, but does it in a way that he responds to. I am so thankful that he has such a good teacher at such a critical point in his school life. Fourth grade seems to be a sort of turning point, and is laying the foundation for the next few years.

Then, you throw Christmas in there, and our next three weeks are going to be just crazy!

And, not to exclude Cameron--there isn't too much news to report on Cameron. He is really into the Vikings right now. He makes sure we DVR all the games and then he watches them all week long. He has a Vikings shirt that he wears ALL THE TIME, I need to monitor how often he wears it because he would wear it every day. He also likes to play football in the house, which gets on my nerves sometimes, but he is just such a boy that I think it comes with the territory. He is a stellar student, and had all E's on his midterm (E's=A's), except in handwriting. So his teacher's prediction is that he will be a doctor :). He also takes after me because I always had terrible handwriting when I was younger.

I think that will do for now. I hope everyone enjoys the blessings of the Christmas season this year!

Going home...being thankful

Here we are in November, already. It is so hard to believe. 2009 is nearly over, seems like it just began. Tonight will be random thoughts and reflections. I have been feeling quite nostalgic lately. I am not sure why, but I have felt it very important to take a trip (or trips) down memory lane. At the same time, I continue to suffer from this sense of un-settle-ment (is that even a word), or dissatisfaction, with my place in life right now. I yearn for the pleasures and luxuries that I feel I and my family deserve, a bigger house, a more beautiful house, nicer cars, clothing, you know, all of the things that are out there to tempt a nearly-35 year old. And when you see all of the people around you with the things, the houses, the lifestyle that you desire, it only makes the envy burn a little more.

I can get really pathetic with this, too, if I want. I pout, I wonder, "why not me?" I work hard, Ed works hard. We deserve more, we deserve better. And, just as soon as we think we are getting somewhere, WHACK...something sets us back. We have had to fork over more cash for unexpected expenses in the last two months than we have had to all year long. There it goes...out the door...I guess we will wait a little longer for the life we are waiting for.

So, that is one part of my current frame of mind. The other...completely opposite. I have been visiting places that have been a part of my personal history within the past month, and have experienced so much fulfillment as a result. My grandma has been in the hospital, and on my way to visit her in Albany, I drive through Farming. Right past the farm where my mom grew up. My grandparents lived there until I was 8. I remember playing in the yard, rolling down the hill, sitting on the propane tank, like it was yesterday. We had such fun there. I wanted, so badly to drive in and peek around. But, of course, that would just be weird and creepy. It is hard to let go of those days, those times. They are so vivid in my memory, but the places where those memories happened no longer belongs to me. It is kind of sad.

Last week, I spent the day in St. Paul, near St. Kates, where I went to college. I met some friends for lunch, and Rick and Jess for supper. No offense to the wonderful company I had that day, but my favorite part of that day was the two hours I had in between lunch with my friends and supper with my family. I spent time in a bookstore, thrift store, and antique store in Highland Park. Just me. In a bookstore (one of my favorite places to be). I had a coffee and there was funky music playing and I was perusing the fiction aisle. No hurry, no place to be. Just me, my coffee, the books, and the music. Oh, what a beautiful hour it was. It was "Robbie" personified. All of the things I enjoy in one space (books, funky music, coffee, and no time schedule). The perfect recipe for relaxation and "enjoying myself". I realized that I don't spend enough time with me. I don't do enough things that I enjoy. I don't go places that I would like to go.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my family, I love my kids, husband, and the crazy life we live. But there does need to be a place for me. I wouldn't want to live the life I had for that hour in the bookstore all day every day, but once in a while, it is nice. It is nice to be in a place that I, alone, have chosen, taking as much time as I like.

Then, today, I took the kids to church in Watkins, where I grew up. We tried going two weeks ago, but had the mass times wrong, so we were pulling into the parking lot as others were pulling out. But, that day, I walked the kids through the church so they could see the lovely windows and statues. Walking into that church was like walking into a time warp. There were people who immediately recognized me, and they hadn't changed. The church looked exactly like it always has (with the exception of the new entry on the side and the fact that the rectory has been torn down). So, today, we went to mass there. And again, so many familiar faces. It felt great to be home. Since dad moved out of our house, I haven't had a place that feels like home. Of course, my house feels like home, but there is a particular comfort to being in a place that has been a part of your whole, entire life. It was like walking into big, comfortable arms that embraced me. In that church, I was baptized, had my first Eucharist, spent 6 years at the Catholic School there, was confirmed, was married, had mom's funeral, had dad's wedding. So many of the events that formed me, shaped me into the person I am happened in that space. I found my spirituality there.

My soul has been stirring over the past month. I have been trying to find meaning in the challenges laid out before me, to find out why, despite our hard work and good intentions, that we still are reaching for some pinnacle, one that we may never reach. I have been feeling such comfort and happiness reflecting on the places I have been in my life. I ache, sometimes, for home, for the places and people who have been a part of my life. I wonder if that is directing me, am I being led to something or someplace that isn't part of my conscious plan? Or, am I being challenged, now, to find satisfaction, happiness, and "HOME" with what I have right here, right now. Consciously, I know the answer to this paradox. Of course I need to find satisfaction, pleasure, and happiness with the life I have. Because it could be taken away. Because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. Because I could lose a child or a husband, and learn the hard way that the things that really matter aren't found in a 4000 square-foot, professionally decorated home, or in a sweet ride, or in an outfit with matching shoes, earrings, and a necklace. It is here. It is sleeping in the room beneath me. It is in the kiss goodbye from my husband in the morning, the nose rub from Lilly while watching TV, the game of Clue with Cameron (where, he informed me, "I'm gonna whoop your butt!"), the secret kiss-throwing game I share with Alex. I get it on one level, hopefully on the level that counts. I just need to convince myself on another level, to quiet the voice inside that strives for more, and to challenge myself to immerse myself in the joy of a completely imperfect life (in 1900 square feet of boring :-)).

In re-reading this post, I think I am experiencing a journey of self-discovery. I am learning about who I am and what I stand for. I am facing the reality that the life I dreamed of (translated: the big house, nice cars, nice clothes), may not be the life I am destined for, and I'd better make peace with that sooner than later if I want to be truly happy. This must be the trip for one who is approaching her mid-30's. Self-reflection, self-assessment. Discovering the adjustments that need to be made now to plan for the next phase of my life. I love it and don't love it. It excites me and grieves me. But, accepting that it is part of the bigger picture, part of the plan is the challenge. I hope I'm up to it.

Not much.

Not too much going on around here. Things have been pretty much status quo. The boys are well into their school years and are both doing well. Lilly is loving preschool, and asks almost every day if she can go to school. Ed and I are busy, but not crazy-busy, so that is good.

We have had the influenza come and pay us a visit this past weekend. I have always considered myself to be very laid-back and easy-going. Certainly, NOT a germaphobe. However, I have been sanitizing and Lysol-ing my house like someone with full-blown OCD. Poor Cameron was the one who was sick, and I was hovering over him, making sure he washed his hands, sanitizing everything he touched, and insisting that Alex and Lilly wash, wash, wash their hands. He was sick with a fever for two full days, and now, today is day 4, and he is still sluggish, sore, and not feeling 100%. So, I can do the math. If Alex and Lilly get it, I am looking at missing at least two days of work each, unless they get it over a weekend. If I get it, I am looking at at least two days, maybe three to get myself ship-shape and ready to work. When you are staring down the barrel of potentially 10 days of sickness in your house, you would sanitize anything that stands still, too!

I did get my flu shot already, as I do every year. I feel such responsibility to ensure that I am not carrying any illnesses to the children I work with, since many of them have medical issues that would be exacerbated by the flu. However, I have not made appointments for the kids to get theirs. But, I don't know that Cameron had the Influenza A. He could have had H1N1 or any other virus that I could still get, despite having a flu shot.

So, that is the theme for this post. Sickness, and the efforts to kill germs. Fun, fun, fun!

Back in the saddle...

OK, it's about time I get back to my blog. Too much time has passed since my last entry! It has been quite normal around our house, nothing too earth-shattering has happened. I will reflect on the month of August in a general sense, and get up to speed on the current happenings at the Holen house.

I have decided that August is my second least-favorite month of the year (next to February). I dislike August for the same reason I dislike February...it feels like one big marathon to the end. The transition of the seasons is impending, I am tired of summer, tired of gardening, tired of my flowers, and tired of pretty much everything. In February, I am sick of winter, sick of the cold, sick of being cooped up, etc. I think this dislike of August started as a child, when I was always ready for school to begin at about the beginning of the month. I had to wait the entire month until I could get back into it. Now, as an adult, by the beginning of August I am ready for the kids to go back to school, I am sick of paying full-time daycare for three kids, and I have the entire month stretched out ahead of me like a North Dakota interstate. I usually am stressed and barely functional by mid-August, it seems. Many years, August is a difficult month at work, which usually initiates my downward spiral into the throes of worry, stress, anxiety, etc. It seems as though if things CAN go wrong in August, they DO go wrong. And there I am, awake every night until midnight, stressed, crabby, etc.

Soooo, I am more than happy to put August behind me. I would really like to change my thinking on this dreary month, since the weather is usually nice, and there is a lot to do. But, I will have to somehow shift my experience and my mindset first to accomplish an August that I actually enjoy.

But, here we are at the beginning of September, interestingly enough one of my favorite months (next to June and December). The kids have just returned to school, and Lilly has started preschool. This was a very difficult idea for me to grasp. My sweet, little baby. Baby of the babies. My little girl, my googey-head, my strong-willed, persnickety, lover of attention. How can it be? How can I be sending her off to school. Sure, I tell myself, it is only preschool. BUT, my experience has been that once they start school (even preschool), it is like someone hit the gas, and we are zooming through life. Measuring our days in terms of the school calendar (no school in two weeks, Christmas break is coming up, only 6 weeks until summer vacation). Before you know it, we are back at September, and I am sending my babies off to another level. So weird.

This being said, Lilly absolutely LOVED preschool, which makes it very hard to be mopey for too long, because she is simply joyful about the experience. Alex has begun fourth grade, and I am feeling really good about his year, too. He has a nice teacher, and he has done a lot of growing up over the summer, so I am thinking this will be his best year yet as far as his social and academic skills are concerned. Cameron has begun third grade, and I am certain he will have a great year. It maybe is a middle-child thing, but I have no concerns about this child. He is a smart boy, gets good grades, has lots of friends, is well-behaved, etc. I need to make sure sometimes, that I am giving him enough attention, because he requires very little.

I think that's about all for our lives today.

Reflections on "The Shack"

I just recently finished The Shack and actually re-read the middle portion slowly and carefully. This book can be interpreted as a touching story of the loss of a child, and a father's quest for setting things right. If interpreted this way, it is truly beautiful and redeeming, and very touching. Lots of tears were held back (yes, my mother's daughter) as I read the story. It can also be interpreted as a theological philosophy, a set of ideas and theories that could serve as the basis of one's faith. As I read the book, I realized that so many of these ideas and theories correlate with many of my own thoughts on my personal faith and "religion". As a Catholic, who chooses to remain Catholic, there are many rules, expectations, and doctrine that guides the faith of the people. I have decided long ago to pick and choose out of that basket, which I have always felt was a bit cowardly. For example, I do not believe in receiving credit for my monetary contributions to the church, I think that is corruption at its finest, that we are somehow judged based upon our financial support of the church. I believe a "plate" offering (money without an envelope) is the way to go. Or, I choose to support our Catholic school to my maximal financial potential, as opposed to the church itself. I have also struggled with the concept of confession, but have since decided (begrudgingly) that it is the most real way for me to stand face-to-face with my mistakes and shortcomings, and for me to feel true repentance for them. When I am in church, I rarely am focused on the scripture readings or the sermon, nor am I focused on the procedures of the Mass. I am focused on the presence of God, reflecting on his presence in my life during the week, and doing my best to express my thanks for all of the gifts I have been given. Oh, but this all sounds so righteous, doesn't it? Reading this book helped me to realize how much work I have to do, particularly in relating to other people who I live with and work with. The book helped me to see how wrong righteousness is, how the biggest wrong we can commit against each other is judgment. And how often do we judge? I can only speak for myself, but I participate in judgment on a daily, if not more frequent basis. How hard can it be to let go of judgment? Judgment makes me feel better, like a better person. It allows me to exert my goodness above someone else's wrongs. Oh, boy, do I have a lot of work to do!

I have assembled some of my favorite quotes from the book, the ones that give me the ability to ponder, that make me stop and think. I plan to carry them with me in my planner and hope to find the faith to review them and allow them to help guide me toward being a better person.

“When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?”

“The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love.”

“Those who love me come from every system that exists. They were Buddhists or Mormons, Baptists or Muslims, Democrats, Republicans and many who don’t vote or are not a part of any Sunday morning or religious institutions. I have followers who were murderers and many who were self-righteous. Some are bankers and bookies, Americans and Iraqis, Jews and Palestinians. I have no desire to make them Christian, but I do want to join them in their transformation into sons and daughters.”

“Most roads don’t lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”

“Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace.”

“Faith does not grow in the house of certainty.”

“My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity.”

“Evil is the chaos of this age that you brought to me, but it will not have the final say. Now it touches everyone that I love, those who follow me and those who don’t. If I take away the consequences of people’s choices, I destroy the possibility of love. Love that is forced is no love at all.”

“You demand your independence, but then complain that I actually love you enough to give it to you.”

“It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way.”

“But can you clean your face with the same mirror that shows you how dirty you are? There is no mercy or grace in rules, not even for one mistake.”

“Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.”

“Why would I have any expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me.”

“This is not about shaming you. I don’t do humiliation, or guilt, or condemnation. They don’t produce one speck of wholeness or righteousness, and that is why they were nailed into Jesus on the cross.”

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.”

“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver, to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly.”

“Forgiveness does not excuse anything.”

“You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.”

“This world is full of tears, but if you remember I promised that it would be Me who would wipe them from your eyes”

I think this is a book every person should read and experience. It is not a book for Catholics, or for Christians. It is a book for every person who believes in the existence of God. It is for those who are solid in their faith, and for those of us who are always searching for the answers. The book truly contains words to live by.

Deep post, I know, but I want to share these thoughts with anyone who is reading this, that you might seek out some reflection of your own. If we all seek to eliminate the actions we commit that are hurtful and evil, this world would be a better place.

The days are just packed!

That is the title of a Calvin and Hobbs book, and it seems to be a fitting theme for the summer so far. There isn't much happening that is new, just the everyday busy-ness. The boys are enjoying summer baseball, and I am starting to hit the point where I wonder, "how many weeks of this are left?". There are only four, and I know how fast that will go, then there will be only a little more than a month left of summer.

We are getting ready to head up north to Ed's aunt and uncle's cabin for the week. We are leaving on Thursday and will come home whenever we feel like it :-). We are both off from Friday the 3rd until Monday the 13th, so we have plenty of time to max and relax.

I have enjoyed working from home on Mondays, although it is a bit difficult to stay focused with all three kids at home. I have started putting in some hours on the weekends and/or during the week after the kids go to bed so that I don't have to be stuck at home the whole day on Mondays. It has been helpful, and it is nice to give the boys something to do away from home, even if it is something small, like going to a park for a picnic.

Not too much new to report...will post again later.
Robbie

Another year wiser??

I have really neglected my poor blog, and all of you who are hanging on the site waiting for the next bit of exciting Holen news (I am totally joking, I realize our lives are blessedly boring!!!). There hasn't been much happening around here. We had our dance recital on the 17th of May, and I have thoroughly enjoyed not having commitments each weekend. We have been spending lots of time at home during the weekends, which is great because we are so busy during the week.

Poor Ed has been working about 55-60 hours each week for the past several weeks. It is hard on us both, he doesn't come home many nights until the kids are in bed, I don't get a chance to get out for a walk, and he is tired. So, the weekends are great for us to just lay low and gear up for another busy week.

The boys finished school on the 3rd, and I was so pleased with their report cards! Alex made a lot of progress from last trimester, more than I would have expected! I was so proud of him, and he was so proud of himself, which was such a good feeling! Cameron, once again, had just a stellar report card. It was great to end the year on a high note, and we are all so glad it is summer! I haven't always looked forward to summer vacation, but as the boys get older, the demands of school increase, and I am as ready for a break from it as they are!

I was off on the 4th and 5th, just in time for my birthday! I am such a birthday hog...I love, love, love June 5! It was, as it frequently is, a beautiful day outside. However, I spent a good portion of my day trying to figure out my new phone. Boy that can be frustrating! Ed came home from work early (he only worked 7 hours that day---I love that 4:00 was "early"). He had a princess cake and gifts for me! What a great guy, although he just fed the birthday beast! He gave me a gardening bag with new gardening tools, a Snuggie (which I am happily wearing right now), and a new iPod!!! I have been wanting a new iPod for the past 2 years! Mine was pretty old, and was getting to the point where it would only play music for about 15 minutes on a full battery. It was a great birthday, and I just love Ed for making it special for me. He is a keeper!

Then, I went to Watkins to the cemetery to see Mom's grave. It is kind of a morbid thing to do on my birthday, but it has become a tradition for me to go there on my birthday. Once I had kids of my own, I realized how special the day they were born is. Those three days were THE happiest days of my life. And I know, now, how she felt the day I was born. I feel it is a day that she and I should share. Generally, I go in the morning before work, but because I was off, I slept in (until the kids got up at 8), and didn't want to take the kids with me.

It still is very sad for me, and it always hits home being there. I never know if I should sit, stand, talk out loud, meditate, or what I should do. I just sat and listened to the birds and the traffic and thought about her. I wonder what my life would be like if she were here. It almost seems the more time that passes, the more frustrated I become. Maybe I am tired of it. I realize how cheated I have been, and that stinks! So many women my age have their moms there to help them with the kids, to answer questions about parenting, and to be one of the closest friends they have. I don't have that, and I don't like it at all. Maybe I am entering the "anger" phase of grief. Finally...after a short ten years, I have finally emerged from denial (???).

No, I know I have worked through my grief and have moved through various stages of grief. But every now and then it slaps me in the face, and is a cruel reminder that it is still there. I think it will always be there, lingering in the shadows, and will rear its head every once in awhile. In a way, though, I don't mind taking the time to feel sad, I know, then, that I have not forgotten about her, I haven't "moved on" so far that I don't feel sadness anymore. And, it helps me to feel close to her.

Anyway...this is supposed to be about my birthday!!! Thanks to all for your birthday wishes (I know I forced you to begrudgingly attend to me on or around my birthday, but oh, well...)! I am happy to be another year older, although I have a sneaking suspicion that in a few years, I won't be so excited for my birthday...

Gonna hit the sack...Good night!

Control...what a beautiful thing

I seem to go in these spurts where my whole life feels like it is coming apart at the seams, I am moving from one fire to the next, not thinking about what I do next or what I did before. I am truly "in the moment" (Oprah would be so proud). I attribute it to the fact that there is just so much to attend to at every moment of the day. I love to live like this, it keeps me focused, it keeps me from "thinking" about things like...missing the kids when I am at work; will I ever be able to retire?; hmmm, I think we are just about out of groceries, etc. But, after so long, I begin to lose it. I feel like I have lost control in every area of my life. The ONLY thing to do is take it back. That is what I have done (plus having a little help with the calendar) this week.

On Monday, I spend 6+ hours doing paperwork. I have been so busy at work, and when you "live in the moment" (I am becoming an annoying "quote-user"), paperwork takes a big backseat because there is not a free minute to do it. Well, before I know it, my stack is huge! When I have a free half-hour, my stack is so big that I think I'll never make a dent in just 30 minutes...sooo, I'll just check my e-mail. I finally got the paperwork beast under control, and boy does it feel good!

On to the house...before Cameron's first communion, I had this place spotless. Well, I didn't really lift a finger since. So, because I have a wonderful husband who wouldn't let me lift a finger on Mothers' Day, I cleaned it Monday night. He and the kids tried...they really tried...to get the house clean on Mothers' Day, but I've got some pretty high standards that they just couldn't meet. But, I was so appreciative of their efforts! It is nice to be TOLD to lay on the couch and watch a movie. An aside...you know, after almost 12 years of marriage, 3 kids, countless stresses and ups and downs, I realize how lucky I am that we have reached this point, where we understand each other completely. He's a good guy, and I am lucky to have him! Anyway, long story short, I got the house in order too.

Then, the exercise. I have finally fallen into a nice routine of running about 3-4 times per week for almost 2 miles. I think the exercise is what is helping me to re-focus, tie up the loose ends, and finally come out of the fog. BUT, I have developed a pretty bad case of shin splints, and I am torn between working through it or resting. If I rest, will I lose my motivation? Will I fall back into the fog? I could try something low-impact, like biking (which I love), but I don't usually feel as worked as I do when I run. Any advice? I recently bought new shoes (Asics...I thought they were good, but I don't know if they are made specifically for running). I was going to try some arch supports. I think I am pronating my feet, putting stress on the muscles of my medial calf.

I am looking forward to the weekend, our dance recital!!!! Some years, by this time, I have just felt glad to get it over with. This year, though, I am so excited. I think this is our best year yet. Don't get me wrong, I will be breathing a sigh of relief on Sunday evening, when it is all over, but I just can't wait for the performance. I also have a meeting Thursday night, "book club" (aptly put in quotes because we often talk about everything but the book) Friday night, dance rehearsal Saturday, a birthday party for my nephew Nathan on Saturday, and the recital Sunday. So, busy, busy, busy. But next week....nothing. No meetings, no nothin.

The countdown is on...to MY BIRTHDAY!!! I am very excited for my birthday. For those who don't know, I love my birthday LIKE A KID! Because people know this, I usually get lots of attention on my special day, which, when you love your birthday like a kid, that's really what you want! I will be 34, and I am feeling pretty good about it. 33 was, all in all, a pretty good year. I am beginning to feel a little more on my feet, more confident, more competent, and just happier in general.

Anaway, such a busy post. I'm feeling great...feeling like I am finally getting some control over my life and hoping I can keep it for awhile.

Wow...

It has been quite some time since I last posted, I'm sure everyone has been anxiously awaiting the next exciting entry of mine where I rant on and on about how busy I am. Well, this one will be a little different, but not much. I will re-cap the past 3 weeks, as they have been very, very eventful.

First of all, the most shocking and difficult news we have had in a long time, Ed's brother-in-law was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident in April. He sustained a head injury and is continuing to recover at Regions hospital. It has been three weeks, and thankfully, it appears as though he will make a full recovery! It was very tense the first few days, as he was sedated, on a ventilator, etc, but he has made tremendous progress in the past two weeks with his therapy and it looks as though he will be going home in another week or two. In comparison to this, all of the busy-ness and activity of our lives here really seems so minor. We are all so grateful for his recovery thus far, and continue to hope and pray for that complete and full recovery.

During the week that he was most critically ill, we also did not have any daycare. Our daycare provider had viral pneumonia. Our backup daycare is Ed's mom, who was unavailable because she was in the cities. It involved a bit of juggling of our work schedules to take care of Lilly while the boys were in school. Thankfully, Honey (my aunt) was able to watch Lilly for us on Thursday and Friday that week. Thank you so much, Honey!!!

So, when last week rolled around (April27), I was very much looking forward to a week where things are back to normal. Well...didn't happen.

On Wednesday morning, I was up early to go for a run/walk to the end of our road and back, when I saw I had a voicemail. I had 2 messages, one at 2 am, and one at 5:30 am. Being the calm, rational person I am, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that someone was dead, because why else would anyone call me at 2 am. However, the person calling was a parent from school who I barely know. I checked the message, and it was instructions to activate our phone tree. Being on the Home and School board at St. Boniface, it is my responsibility to contact about 12 families if there is ever an emergency that would impact the school. We needed to activate the phone tree because of a suspected case of Swine Flu, letting parents know that school would be closed that day. Now, if you live in MN, you are well-aware of this as the media from all of the local TV stations set up camp here in town for a few days. The suspected case was at the Middle School, but St. Boniface elected to close because St. B shares facilities with the Middle School. So, there was no school W, TH, or F that week.

That is crazy enough, but our Boni-Ball, a fundraiser that we on the H&S board have been planning since the beginning of the year was scheduled for Friday, May 1, and Cameron's First Communion was scheduled for Sunday, May 3. I have known for the past 9 months that this particular weekend was going to be very busy, and I could not wait to put those events behind me. Well, now, there was discussion that both events may be cancelled because of the Swine Flu. So for 2 straight evenings, it seems as though I was constantly on the phone, trying to inform my families for the phone tree, discussing our options if we cancel the Boni-Ball, etc. In the end, both events went as planned.

So, Friday, May 1, I took the day off of work to set up for the Boni-Ball, worked until 1am, got up Saturday morning to clean up, and then get the house ready for Cameron's First Communion. It was busy, busy, busy, but everything went off without a hitch! Monday was a great day, as I was relieved to have those hurdles behind me!

This week was much more typical, but I wouldn't say it was calm. Between the level of busy-ness at work (which is a great thing, don't get me wrong), the need to more carefully manage the therapist's schedules because they are getting so full, the Monday night meeting I had, the Thursday night Happy Hour, etc., it was crazy, but at least there was no major drama (with the exception of Ed's car breaking down at work and having to shell out $250 to fix it...).

I am finally home, on a Saturday. The first Saturday since the beginning of March that I have been able to be home all day. We have had dance practice every Saturday, but there is no practice this week. Next week, we have practice on Saturday morning, and our recital is on Sunday. I am SO excited for the recital, I think this is our best year so far in terms of our readiness for the performance. We even have costumes this year! It really is a beautiful thing, watching these girls with all of their challenges up on stage performing. And even more precious, to me, is seeing the joy on the faces of their parents! It makes all of the effort and the Saturdays away worth every minute! If you are able to be there to watch, it is at the Sauk Rapids-Rice Middle School at 1 pm on Sunday, May 17.

Monday, May 18, I will officially be commitment-free. My term on the H&S board has ended, we have one final Boni-Ball meeting on May 14, and after the 17th, dance is over for another year. I am looking so forward to being home every night after work with no meetings, and I am looking forward to having Saturdays to be home again.

Here's to a nice quiet day at home today, and hopes for the next few weeks to be boring and dull!

Like sands through the hourglass

The intro to one of my all-time favorite shows, Days of Our Lives (which, incidentally, I no longer watch because it has really gotten bad....I've tried coming back to it a few times, but it never holds my attention for longer than a few weeks). My life feels like sands through the hourglass...one day flowing into the next, one week down, a weekend, another week, before I know it, a month has gone by. I just want to put on the brakes! I am, as always, very busy, and things are busy everywhere! Cameron has started up with karate for another six weeks, and that is on Tuesday nights at 6:00. Every other Tuesday, Alex has Boy Scouts at 6:30 or 7:00, and he has choir on Wednesday mornings. Not to mention being a mom who works, has to come home and make supper, help with homework, etc. I am trying not to complain, because this is the path I have chosen for myself, but I honestly need an extra hour or two in the day! Ed has been pretty busy with tax prep this year, although it is APRIL 16 (!!!!!) so it should be wrapping up (just a few odds and ends, yet), so he will--hopefully--provide some respite.

This is the first year that I am actually looking forward to summer vacation for the boys. I generally love the structure that school provides, I loved it when I was a kid, and still do. But it has been so demanding to try to stay on top of everything, to make sure the homework is not only done, but is done correctly, to do study guides when there are tests, to work on spelling words, and oh, don't forget the 20 minutes of reading every night. Our house feels like an army barrack, with every minute accounted for in the evening. Now that the weather is nice, the kids want to be outside, which is great, but it makes squeezing all of that stuff into the 2.5 hours we have in the evening before bed a bit tricky! I also never look forward to summer vacation because of the huge hit of full-time daycare for three kids (spendy, spendy, spendy). But, that money will be well worth it to not have to deal with the craziness of school!

Anyway, enough ranting! We have all been healthy and well during this spring, with the exception of one little cold virus that is making the rounds. Not sure if it is a cold or if it is allergies. We recently exhumed all of the totes from our crawl-space and converted the crawl space into a play area. It was a musty, dusty job, but so worth it to have a place for the kids to play. Our house is pretty small (about 1900 total square feet), and we don't have a play-room, so it is nice to have a little place for them (trust me, it is little).

I am getting ready for Cameron's first communion, which is on May 3. Hard to believe that our little guy is getting that big. I was pretty emotional during Alex's First Communion, so maybe this year it won't be so hard because I am now expecting it to be emotional. (I had a hard time with it because it was the first event for one of my children that really had nothing to do with me. He was there in his little suit, doing his thing, and I just sat back and watched--I wasn't prepared for that to hit me, but it did).

Well, that post was pretty boring, but there is nothing much to say. We are loving this weather--who doesn't??--and I am getting antsy to get out into the garden. I'm outta here...

A Reprieve

Today, our daycare is closed, so I stayed home with Lilly. After the past few weeks, a day off is just what I have needed! Things have been busy, no surprise there, but the past few days have been really crazy. Saturday, we had dance, and I had to get things organized after dance, so I was at work for 3 hours on Saturday. Our dance group is for children of all ability levels, so we have kids with very mild physical or cognitive disabilities all the way to children with severe impairments. I coordinate the program each year, and as it has grown, I have gotten by with less and less help, which is great that it can be run efficiently, but it can overwhelm me at times. So, practice was a bit crazy, and I was all flustered and over stimulated. But then, I thought about the performance, and how that is such a wonderful experience. It makes all of this work and craziness so worthwhile. If any of you can make it to the performance it will be on May 17 (Sunday) in Sauk Rapids. It is just the cutest thing in the world!

Then, yesterday, I worked until almost 1:00 at SPOT (I generally come home around noon and work from home), then had a meeting at the boys' school at 2:00, a Dr. appt in Monticello at 4:30, and Cameron had First Reconciliation at 7:00. Plus I had to make supper in there! Believe me, I had quite a bit to confess just for being such a grouch that afternoon :-).

I have been trying diligently to break my addiction to sugar, and was doing pretty well until today, when out of sheer boredom, I broke into a box of Girl Scout cookies. Shame, shame on me! I tell ya, if I didn't have a job that kept me running all day long, I think I would be one of those overweight people that they do a reality show on. I am planning to bike again this year in the Tour of Saints in July, and would like to get in shape to run a 5k, although I don't know if that will happen or not. But, the first order of business is to break this addiction I have going. I have done it successfully in the past, but it was a long 5-6 days to get there! Once I was over the hump, though, I found that I didn't ever crave sugar (chocolate, candy, ice cream, all that good stuff), nor did I want to eat those types of foods. Hopefully, my trip off the wagon won't set me too far back, I had done really well for the past three days.

I am hoping that the rain stops soon, especially for the people in the area of the Red River. Ed's uncle and aunt live near Grand Forks, and so I am hoping that they are ready for it. They don't live right near the river, but there is a tributary that runs near their property. In 1997, their barn and much of their land was flooded, but their house was OK. So, we are watching it and hoping for the best.

Hope to see the sun soon...gotta love March in MN!

Feeling Better

Wow, I was really miserable on Thursday night! It's amazing how getting my house clean and my paperwork under control can make a girl feel soooo much better! It has been a really busy last couple of weeks between work, activities, meetings, etc. It is one of those times where there seems to be just too many things going on, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with all of it. I get really unhappy when that happens (in case you haven't noticed...)

Things are going well around here, we are all awaiting better weather, and they are saying we will get it this weekend (50's and possibly 60's by Monday). I love this time of year, when the snow starts melting and we have those first, few, warm days. Those days feel like heaven, after being cooped up in the subzero weather for the past 3 months. It is like everything is fresh and new again. I am going to try to get out and walk every evening now that the weather is nice. I have packed on a few pounds over the winter (I really don't need to pack on any extra pounds...in fact I could stand to lose a few pounds!!). So, hopefully, with the weather warming up, I can get outside and burn it off before summer.

Ed has been busy with taxes, which is great for him, but it really leaves me in the driver's seat for everything else (house, kids, etc). That is also, probably, another reason why I feel like I am having a hard time keeping up. The extra income is nice, and it is needed for us, but oh, I will sure be glad when it is over!

The kids are doing well, Alex and Cameron are doing fine in school. Lilly is doing well, although she has lots of new and fun behaviors that are very annoying. She will dissolve into tears if I put her clothing on "too fast", if I tuck her in "too fast", or if I put her boots on "too fast". Last night, she was trying to put her PJ's on, and she was convinced they were upside-down because she was putting her head in the bottom of the shirt. It made perfect sense to her, but I could not convince her otherwise.

Alex has to bring pictures of each family member to school for a project, and boy, it was really tough to find actual pictures of everyone. Now that all of our pictures are on the computer, we really don't develop any of our pictures. And, of course, there are NO pictures of me, because I am always the one behind the camera. After much searching, I finally found a picture, taken in 2003, of me with Alex and Cam at the Wiggles concert. Now, that didn't seem like so long ago, but boy, I guess it was. I looked so much younger, and Alex and Cameron were practically babies! I wasn't even pregnant with Lilly yet. When I look back on the years when Alex and Cam were little, I remember how busy it was (they are 19 mos apart), how overwhelming it was, at times (Alex was a very challenging little guy), and I always say "I would NEVER do that again!". But, now, that those days are over, I can see there were plenty of happy days, and I wish I could plop those boys in my arms, sit one on each leg, and enjoy a Wiggles concert. I guess that is life, though...so I'd better get used to looking back at the good ol' days.

We are starting our adaptive dance program today, so I'd better get ready. I am excited to be starting dance again, it is such a wonderful experience for the dancers and their families. Lilly will be dancing again with everyone else, which I love. We don't have a lot of time in the evenings, so I am holding off on putting her into dance until she wants to go. But this is a nice opportunity for us, because I can have my daughter come with me every week and be involved. Then, it doesn't feel like work to me! And, I think it is great to involve my kids with the kids that have special needs so they can develop a healthy outlook on that population.

Anyway, I need to dash out of here ASAP...Better go!

The funk....

Uggghhhh...I have such a case of the funk! I am just so BLAH!! My house is a disaster, I am behind at work, I am behind on the kids' things, blah, blah, blah! I know I need to just pull it together, but I just can't seem to do it. I am going stir crazy, waiting for the weather to warm up just a tad so I can get out and exercise. My mind and body are going to hell, and I just need to get some exercise.

That's my rant for the day.

Stuck in the 90's

We had our 15-year class reunion this weekend. Jessica and I planned it, and we had it at the CS Sports Bar in Eden Valley. Planning things like this can be tiring, but the night was so, so worth it. In case you don't know, I think I am addicted to event planning. I have planned the past 3 reunions, 2 MOTA (MN occupational therapy association) conferences (not by myself, but was part of the committee), a special-needs dance recital--every year, and the Boni-ball, a formal evening event that raises money for St. Boniface, where the boys go to school.

Every time I am involved in these things, I think, "What was I thinking?" "Why do I do this to myself?" "I can't wait until this thing is over!!" Then, when the event comes, it has (so far) turned out so well, and it is so rewarding to be a part of it.

Our class reunion was so much fun, and worth every minute of planning! I love reunions, and am so sad that it will be five years until our next one. I had a blast, talking with old friends--some who I haven't seen since our 10-year, cutting up the rug on the dance floor (I am still sore!!), and enjoying a few beverages (a few too many...Sunday was a bit rough). But the great thing about graduating from such a small class is that it feels like seeing long-lost family members.

In St. Anthony's (the Catholic school I attended from 2-8 grade), there were about 17 kids in our class who were there for the entire 6 years. Seeing those guys is like seeing your family. We grew up together, shared so many of the same experiences, and each one of those people is a part of my childhood. It felt so good to hug everyone, visit with everyone, and enjoy being around each other.

I realized I am turning into one of those nostalgic suckers who would live in the past if I were allowed to. I'd go back to grade school in a minute, and would hesitate, but would probably return to high school, too. There were (allegedly) comments made to my husband such as "where was THAT girl in high school?" She was there all along, but lacked the confidence to let me be me. If I had that confidence, I would go back in a minute, and I'm sure my experience would have been so much more positive. I hope to impart that bit of advice onto my daughter when she reaches that age, and hopefully high school won't be so painful for her.

Well, I'm going to go and listen to my New Kids on the Block, Whitesnake, and Tiffany while I go rat my hair and remember the good ol' days.

Something Lighter

Well, back to the same ol' postings about what is new with us.

Nothing.

We are all well, staying healthy, and ready for spring! Alex and I are counting down the days until we can get out on our bikes. That is such a fun thing we both enjoy doing. This year, I'm sure Cameron will join us, since he is finally riding a 2-wheeler with ease. He began riding on 2 wheels last summer, but was pretty cautious for the first month or so. Bike rides took a loooong time. It is nice to get those boys outside and burn off some energy (Lord knows, they have plenty of it!)

Alex sang today at the Winter Festival at our church with the Childrens' Choir. Now, I'm sure most parents believe their children are gifted, so I am really trying to not think that, but that boy has some serious musical ability, or so I believe. He was able to play the chimes during a song, and he played them with perfect timing, right on cue. He has an amazing ability to retain a song, and can sing it perfectly. I have been trying to teach him to play piano, but haven't been diligent with it. Then, I thought we could work on learning the guitar this summer. I would love to learn to play a guitar, and I know he would like it, too. We have a child's guitar that used to belong to Ed. I'm sure it isn't the best guitar, but it might be a place to start.

Cameron and Lilly are doing well. Cameron has been slacking on his reading after devouring nearly 20 books last month. He is all anxious about it, but has been so busy playing with his toys and playing outside that he just can't seem to sit down to read. He is such a self-motivated kid, which makes my life easier. He knows what he needs to do, and he just does it.

Lilly has been well, I think the key to managing her respiratory issues is the 1x/day nebs. She sounds perfectly clear right now. But, boy, has she been challenging. She is very strong-willed AND emotional right now. She told me today "I'm angry at you!!!!" and stomped away........Oh, boy.......She has cried in the mornings because she doesn't want to go to Tracy's (daycare), then she cries when I pick her up because she doesn't want to go home. We just can't make her happy.

I'm heading for bed. I have been staying up way too late for the past few nights, and it is finally catching up with me.

Adios

Turned on a Dime

10 years ago, tomorrow (Feb 8), was the day my mom died, and my life was forever changed. I have often pondered how one split second can change so many lives. I have been awestruck by the accumulation of events that had to occur to reach that end. If she would have lingered at home for just a second longer, if she would have had to wait at the 4-way stop in Kimball for one more car, or if the woman who hit her could have avoided crossing the center line...It is so hard to know what life would be like if the events had been changed slightly. But the events haven't changed slightly, and when I think of the odds of her accident, her fatality, when I think of how each second of that fateful trip into work that morning had to have been carefully orchestrated for it to happen the way it did, I realize that God wanted her. Plain and simple. He wanted her with him, it was her time to go, and it was as if his hand simply reached down and took her.

10 years...seems like it has been the blink of an eye, yet, at the same time, I find myself wondering, it's only been 10 years? These years have passed so quickly, yet so slowly. My life has changed in so many ways in the past 10 years, and the presence of my mom is now a big "I wonder" question as opposed to actually missing her. I wonder what relationship she would have had with my kids, would she be the cool grandma that I could pawn my kids off to at least one weekend a month (WISHFUL THINKING--haha)? Would all three of my kids feel a close bond to her, or would one of them share something special with just her? Would she be caught dead wearing a "#1 Grandma" embroidered sweatshirt? (doubtful...highly doubtful--anyone who knew her should be giggling at that one)

I remember the day before the accident, she and I spent the entire day together. We had such a great time together, visiting and laughing. We were at a birthday party for my cousins in the early afternoon, and I remember wanting to go sit by her feet so she would play with my hair. I thought to myself, "geez, you are 23 years old, and you still want your mom to play with your hair?" In the interest of looking mature, I decided against it, and kept my seat on the couch opposite her, as she discussed the fact that she was going to be a grandma (Jamie's baby, Nathan, was due in 3 months). "I am not old enough to be a grandma" was her mantra. After the birthday party, we went back home to Watkins, and had such a great time visiting. We talked and laughed, sitting in the kitchen. She was sitting on her barstool (the one on the right), and I sat on top of the counter. I left at about 5:00, and she walked me to my car. She borrowed me some cassette tapes, and gave me a hug. She stood in the driveway as I left, watching me go. My memory of that moment is that she was waving at me, but I can't be sure that was actually the case. I had no idea it would be the last time I would ever see her.

I spoke to her on the phone later that evening, and at the end of the conversation, there was an awkward pause. For those who didn't know her, she was not always demonstrative with her emotions (shocking...). So about 50% of the time, at the end of a phone call, she would say "I love you," and about 50% of the time, there was an awkward pause. This phone call was the awkward pause. I laughed after I hung up the phone, muttered, "chicken shit", and didn't think any more about it.

The next morning, Ed and I had taken the day off of work, and we were just going to whatever we felt like doing. We were getting ready to go to St. Cloud to shop around a bit, and we were planning to go to Sibley State park to go hiking (it was a mild February morning--a Monday), when I received the phone call. We were about 10 minutes from leaving home, and we didn't have cell phones at the time. We could have potentially been gone all day...I have often wondered what that would have been like. Dad called to let me know that Mom was killed in a car accident. When Dad called, I immediately knew something was wrong, and I was prepared to hear that my Grandma Loch had passed away. So I was very confused because I thought Grandma (his mom) was in a car accident, which was bizarre because she never left her apartment. After Dad clarified, and I realized it was my mom who died, I was speechless. It was not how you would think it would be...you would think I would have screamed, thrown the phone, and collapsed in tears, but no, I had no words (which is rare). I gathered my thoughts, and said, "OK...well....just let me know when the wake and funeral are, and I'll be there". WHAT???? Looking back, it seems crazy that I was actually planning to carry on with my day, as if a distant relative had just died. " Oh, great Uncle Frank died? OK, sure, well, yep, I'll be at the wake on Wednesday, but I gotta run to the mall now." Dad actually had to ask me, "could you come home?" Oh...home...yeah...that's probably what I should do...hm-mmm, OK, sure.

I don't know when the tears started, but they didn't start until I got home. I was so awkward in the car, I would say things to Ed like, "I sure will miss her..." I guess no one knows how to behave in these instances. Looking back, I was clearly in absolute shock and I was very confused. Once the tears started, it was like you would imagine, they didn't stop for three days. We had many decisions to make that day...what to do with the body? Open casket? Closed casket? Cremation? To anyone reading this: Please make sure your loved ones know what you want! It was horrible to try to make these enormous decisions in the midst of our shock and raw grief. In the end, we chose cremation. Mom would not have wanted her body on display for all to see (her hair and makeup would have been all wrong!!). She was also fearfully claustrophobic, and none of us felt right burying her body in a casket underground. We settled on cremation, and if we wanted to see her, we would have to go either that day or early the next. I chose not to see her body afterward because I wanted my final memory of her to be what I had seen the day before, her standing in the driveway as I pulled away in my car. I wanted to remember her face when I hugged her good-bye in the patio. I didn't want to see the cold, lifeless expression I can only imagine she wore. I didn't really want to know much of anything, where the accident happened, what she was wearing, what items were in her purse, the extent of her bodily injuries. I had enough to deal with to comprehend that she was gone. I didn't need all of the extra information.

I will spare some of the details of the day of and day after her death because much of it is a blur. There was such an outpouring from the community, I was so overwhelmed by the love and care of everyone who came to our house. There was the first night after her accident, where I woke up at 4 am, and was sure I was dreaming. Relief flooded my body when I realized the whole thing was a dream. Wait....where am I? I am at home...Oh SHIT!!!! I think that was the worst feeling...the harsh, cold reality, hitting me, as I realized this nightmare was actually happening. The night before the wake, I just about hit my crazy place when we were going through pictures and I found a picture of me, at about 3 years of age (the picture that I posted), laying next to my mom on our couch reading to her from a box of band-aids. I began freaking out, and I just gave up. "I can't do this!!!!"

However, the next day at the wake, I was filled with an unexpected strength. I dried my tears, and proudly shed very few tears throughout that evening. I manned my post at the funeral home as over 1,000 people flowed in to pay their respects to her, and to offer their love and support to our family. I never left my place in line, there were so many people to see, so many to talk to. In a sick and twisted way, I actually enjoyed the wake, since there were people who came that I had not seen for years. I didn't eat, didn't use the restroom, I stood for the entire 6+ hours, in the same spot. My sister and I would giggle every now and then when someone came through that we knew Mom didn't care for. Returning home, to dad's (where we spent the entire week), though, felt empty, lonely. The wake was such a lively event, it seemed so wrong to come home without her.

The funeral, also, was an event where I found strength. Yes, I cried at the funeral, but I was not inconsolable. I found strength, and I knew where it came from...it came from her. I remember the music from the funeral, and one song, in particular, which was played during the processional. It was haunting. I have not heard it since, but when I think about it, it gives me goose bumps. The burial was emotional...Mom was cremated and her urn (a nice wooden box) was placed inside of a vault about the size of a carry-on suitcase. We placed a rose (Jes and I each kept one and buried one with her), a rosary, her deck of Nertz cards (our game we played every other Sunday), and her leather biker hat. There were other items in there, too, although I can't remember what they were. I remember my aunt breaking down at the cemetary, and trying hard to hold in my emotions (once I start...I don't stop). It was bitterly cold that day, there was an ice storm earlier that morning, and the wind was brutal. I tried to keep thinking about how cold I was, as opposed to the horrible reason for being out there.

There was a lot of talk about signs. Everyone, it seemed, was getting a sign from mom. My grandpa saw deer happily bounding along-side of his car in the ditch, and he knew it was her--she was free and laughing, as he said. I thought long and hard about my sign...what should it be? How would I know? One morning at about 4 am, I was going to get up and play a game of solitare, and if I won my very first game, I would know she was with me. But, reason got the best of me. Winning a game of solitare could take me upwards of 2 hours. I would have been crushed if I would have lost. Friday, the day after the funeral, Ed and I returned home to Becker. I decided I would give the solitare game a try. Through tears, I dealt every last card to the top, and won that game!

There were other signs, too...When Ed and I returned home, our clock on the wall was stopped at 7:48...the exact time of her death. A few months later, I wore one of her dress jackets (I ended up with a lot of her clothes) to a wedding. I remember thinking, "wouldn't it be cool if there was a letter to me from her in the pocket?" Yes, I know, cheesy, unrealistic, etc. I donned the coat, reached my hands into the pockets, and pulled out a small handful of stuff. There was a safety pin, some lint, some herbalife tablets (haha!!!), and 2 valentine hearts, one that read "kiss kiss" and one that read "love you". Those hearts are still in that coat pocket, and everytime I wear it, I pull out those hearts and smile.

One time, when I was in college, she and dad were driving me back to school, and the song "If I Were You" by Collin Raye was on the radio. Again, being very non-demonstrative, all she said was "this song reminds me of you". After she died, I couldn't remember the song, and I listened to all of her Collin Raye tapes (yes, tapes), and finally found it. The lyrics are "If I were you I'd promise to live life for all it's worth. Take all that you've been given, and leave your mark upon this earth. Trust your heart to show you everything you'll ever need." The rest is love-y, and sappy (yeah, the stuff I wrote is cheesy, too...). That song is on my i-pod, along with about 600 songs. But almost every time I am out for a walk or on a bike ride, I hear that song. (I know she is not up in heaven controlling the shuffle programming of my i-pod, but it always gives me comfort to hear that song)

My mom was a very strong woman. I can count on one hand the times I had seen her cry, and if you take away the times the crying was fake, I would bet there was only one or two times where I saw her cry. I chose to borrow her strength, to do what I think she would do in order to pull through this mess. I think that strength is still with me, and still a part of me. I often refer to her (what I think she would say/do) in certain situations. And I feel her presence with me, guiding me, leading me.

If any of you want to know how it feels for me to live without my mom, my closest friend, and the one person who knew me better than I knew myself, go to playlist.com (I love that website!!) and listen to "Mama's Arms" by Joshua Kadison. Every time I hear that song, I feel like those words speak to how it feels. That even now, 10 years later, and as a 33 year old woman, I would give up everything I own to feel her arms around me. I would give it all to have her here, for her to be that person to advise me on raising my kids, to be the person to honestly tell me if my haircut was "unflattering" (yes, heard that a time or two), or if a pair of jeans makes me look fat (yep, heard that a few times...I'll never forget the argument we had over my Esprit jeans). I would give it all to have 3-hour chat-fests with her, and to have chick-day again (every other Sunday, we would spend the entire day together, watching movies, playing Nertz--our favorite card game, and visiting).

There is a part of my soul that now sits empty, and it forever will be empty. There is a link in my chain missing, and there are times I feel adrift, with no guiding hand. But, when I feel that way, I look to her guidance...It is always there. I have devoted my life to living it the way she would want me to. To put people ahead of money or status, to follow my heart, and to simply do the right thing.

This is a deep post, but it is truly a reflection of where I am at today. I will be thinking of her most of the day tomorrow (it is Adella's dedication tomorrow, so there will be a nice distraction). If you are reading this, take time to think about your family. I was so thrilled that I spent that day before she died with her. It couldn't have been more perfect, and I have no regrets. I left nothing unsaid, there was no tension between us. It was the perfect ending to our relationship here on earth.

Update on Lil

I couldn't decide if I should take Lilly to the Dr today or not. She was better than yesterday, but her lungs still sounded terrible. I decided it would be a good idea to have her checked out, plus I had questions about how/when to intervene, with which medications, etc. So, I drive to Monticello--we used to Dr. there when we lived in Becker, and I really like my Dr. Plus, I am not a fan of change, so I keep going there. Well, here is why I keep going. He listens to her and determines that she has pneumonia. He gives a prescription for steroids and antibiotics (she also had a very red ear and thick, green goop coming out of her nose). He then writes down "The Plan", which I appreciated very much. He allows me to use my judgement and not run her into the Dr everytime she has the sniffles. In fact, according to "The Plan", he doesn't need to see her until we have tried all of the neb and medications. I looove this! So, it keeps me coming, driving 45 minutes one-way for a Dr. appointment. Because I am allowed to use my judgment, because he doesn't freak out over every little thing--which only feeds into my neurotic anxieties, and because he will dispense reasonable advice (through his nurse) over the phone.

Lilly is napping right now, and she still sounds just gross. Her lungs are full of crud, and the nebs she has been taking are loosening up her lungs, so her coughs are gunky and really wet. But, at least now they are productive. We will be nebbing her for the rest of the winter, and it sounds like we will have to start up again in the fall to avoid these respiratory meltdowns.

So, I will end up having a 4-day weekend, although I have enough paperwork left over to have me work at least 6 hours this weekend. Oh, well...I hope Lilly starts feeling better soon, this stuff has been lingering for awhile, and she has been somewhat irritable lately. Hopefully, once she is feeling better, she will be back to herself.

Hope you all stay warm, it is supposed to be chilly this weekend. Is it bad that I have raging Spring Fever already?????

Oh, the crud...

I am home from work today with Lilly, who has her first major bout of "the crud" this winter. When she was a teeny baby (2 mos) she had a pretty bad case of RSV. She didn't need to go to the hospital, although I was given the list of instructions of "if she does...., bring her in", "if she doesn't do ...., bring her in". That was in March. Later that fall, she got RSV/bronciolitis (you say potato, I say po-tah-to). She has since had a very sensitive respiratory system. Last fall (fall 2007), though, things really escalated, and every cold she would catch would manifest itself into full-blown respiratory distress--high respirations, fever, really, really tight lungs, etc. So, for the entire winter last year, she was on 2x/day nebs, which once we got that going, really kept things under control. So far, this year has been pretty good, but today is just horrible! Ed had to pick her up yesterday from daycare because she had 102.5 fever, and all day today she has been at least 100. Her cough is so moist and gunky, and she sometimes has a rattle in her throat. I brought her to work to have one of our nurses take a look at her (our Dr. is out today), and she is in tough shape, poor girl. Hopefully, the 4x/day nebs will kick in and she can begin to breathe. If not, we will be visiting the Dr. tomorrow.

So, I am trying to work from home, which is the beauty of my job. I have so much documentation, home programs, etc, that need to get done. It is great to have the entire afternoon, uninterrupted (Lil is napping, boys are at school). I only have about 45 minutes left, though, before the boys come home.

I feel bad for Lilly, and I was really hoping this winter would be better. I know things could be so much worse, there are children who are so much sicker than Lil. But, she has a pretty high chance of having asthma, and every time she experiences this, I would imagine her chances just keep going up. I just wonder how much is related to the RSV, I would guess it is. She also had meconium when she was born, and she was full of gunk as a brand-new baby. The first few weeks after she was born, we called her "snorty snort-face" because she was always snorting on the gunk she had in her nose.

I am being a bit of a drama queen (yes, I have been known to over-react a time or two...). But, that is just where this drama queen is at today.

Thankfully, though, that stomach flu I had has not made the rounds in our house. I am knocking on wood even as I type this.

Otherwise, things around here are pretty status-quo. Ed is getting his tax stuff ready, and I'm sure will be pretty busy very soon. Cameron is done with karate, much to his dismay. I am open to having him keep going with it, but I would like a bit of a break from it (traveling every Friday night to Sartell is getting OLD!). He will take it here in CS when they offer it through community Ed., and if he is really serious about it, we will start it up in the fall. They have programs at the karate school where you pay a pretty big amount of money (thank God for monthly installments :-)), and you go until you get your red, purple, or black belt--depending on the belt you choose. It is kind of cool, because no matter how long it takes you, it is the same price. But, wow, that would be a big commitment, and it is likely the black belt program would take well over 5 years. I don't know that Cameron is that committed to it yet. But, I sure felt bad for him, he is pretty sad that it is done!

Well, I'd better go so I can get a few things done for work before the boys get home. Stay healthy! And, enjoy this beautiful day (sunny, 30 degrees!!!!)

My Playlist has the right idea

When I am at work, I often listen to my playlist at playlist.com while I am doing paperwork. It is the coolest site. It allows you to pull any music onto your own playlist, and play it off of the website. It is totally free! Anyway, I was attempting to get at my stack of paperwork today and I began my playlist. I always play it on shuffle (I love surprises!!!). The first song was "Here Comes the Sun", (Beatles), the second was "Beautiful Day" (U2), and the third was "Walkin' on Sunshine" (my personal, and all-time favorite song...really, my anthem). Hmmmm, nice to think about during this oh-so-lovely cold snap we are experiencing. At least we have next week to look forward to--highs in the 20's have never sounded so tropical!

I was fortunate enough to have another round of the stomach flu earlier this week. You know, I made it through the past two winters without getting nailed, and now, this winter...bam. Twice in 6 weeks. Thankfully, though, this bug was a somewhat vicious, but fast-moving, 24-hour bug, unlike the week of ups and downs I had in early December. When you have 3 kids, the misery of the stomach flu isn't isolated to the misery you alone experience. The worry about having 3 vomiting kids, most likely on 3 different days, lingers for quite some time. So far, though, everyone is still healthy. I am beginning to wonder if I didn't eat something that made me sick. I can hope...

The boys are settled into their school routine, and have adjusted pretty well to getting back into the swing of things. Cameron is still taking karate, and he recently received a yellow stripe for his white belt. He was absolutely beaming when he got it (did I already write about this?). Alex is in Boy Scouts, and is getting ready for the Pinewood Derby, an event where they make their own car out of a block of pine and race them. He has also joined choir at church, and is really excited about that. That boy has musical talent, he is spot-on with his rhythm, and he has a beautiful voice. I hope he enjoys choir, because I think he certainly has the knack for it.

Lilly has been escalating with tantrums as of late, and I am hoping she is testing her boundaries a bit and not feeling under the weather. There has been lots of screaming, "I don't want to's", and even some throwing! Very unlike her.

I am struggling with trying to motivate myself to exercise regularly. I had done pretty well over the past couple of years, but within the past 6 months or so, I have really let things slide. Not only could I lose some weight, but I feel so much better when i am exercising. I know once I get over the hump, I will be hooked on it and will look forward to my nightly exercise, but oooohhhhhh, is it hard to get there!

I am also participating, once again, in the UCP stationary bike race, a indoor bike event that raises money for the Central MN chapter of United Cerebral Palsy. I team up with a buddy of mine that I work with at SPOT, an almost-11 year old boy with CP. He and I have worked together since he was 15 months old, and he is such a great kid. He cheers me on during my 20 minutes of pedaling my tush off, and then, we go out for pizza--to completely offset any calories I would have burned during the race :-)

Well, I'm off to bed, it has been a long week, and I am still catching up from when I was sick. I should have taken one day off of work, but I didn't--I went home early on Monday, and was back Tuesday morning. I could have used another day to rest, but that's what the weekend is for, right?

Stay warm!!!

Finally...a minute

It has been so busy around here, as I'm sure it has been for most everyone. I posted pictures from Christmas and Alex's birthday. We had a very nice Christmas. There is so much joy watching the kids open their gifts from Santa, I'm not sure who loves it more, Ed and I or the kids! They got lots of nice toys from Santa and were very happy Christmas morning. On Christmas Eve, we went to Ed's extended family's Christmas. There is always a ton of food and kids to play with. We headed home, and had no trouble putting the kids to bed that night.

On Christmas night, we went to my mom's family's Christmas. That, too, is a big family with lots of great-grandchildren that are the same ages as my kids. We ate a lot and visited a lot. It is so nice to have our families close by to share the holidays with. It is also nice to have large extended families so that our kids can experience the large gatherings. Ed's side of the family is getting pretty big (almost 30 people), but my side is still pretty small (just 16), so our kids don't have the same experiences I did--gatherings with 50+ people at every holiday.

The weekend after Christmas, we headed up to Fergus Falls in the icy weather to spend the weekend with the Holens. It was, also, a lot of fun. There are a ton of boys in that family, so it gets a little rowdy, but Doug and Kim have a nice big farmhouse and a lot of outdoor space for the boys to burn off that energy!

We took our two nieces home with us, who are 14 and 12 and they spent Sunday-Thursday with us. It was fun having them around, and they were a lot of help with the house and with the kids. It was nice to be able to go out and run errands by myself, since the girls watched the kids for me. On New Year's Eve, Doug and Kim came down and spent the night with us. We had a lot of fun. Our collective 9 (yes, 9) kids all made it well past midnight, and we finally put them to bed around 1 am.

We also celebrated Alex's 9th birthday on the 30th. He had a great birthday, according to him. I took the day off (I only worked M and F last week), and I took down the Christmas decorations while the kids took it easy at home. We had cake and presents, and Alex was very excited to have received Guitar Hero III. I was excited, too, and have since been seeing green, red, and yellow notes coming at me in my sleep. For Christmas, Alex also received SingStar for the Play Station, so between our rockin' guitar game and our singing game, we will have a family of rock stars in the near future :-) It is hard for me to believe that Alex is already nine. It doesn't seem like that long ago when Ed and I were not parents. And I can remember vividly the first few days after Alex was born. How can it have already been nine years? I hope the next nine years don't fly by as fast as the first nine did, because then Alex will be 18, and will be an "adult"--I know I sure thought I was an adult at 18, but really, it takes a few years after 18 to really grow into an adult.

I am looking forward to life settling down a bit. The holidays and the kids' birthdays are a lot of fun, but it sure gets to be a lot of activity. I have the house almost all clean, so tomorrow, I can sit back and watch the Vikings win (fingers crossed), and finish reading my book. Then, it's back to the grind, for which I am actually a bit excited.

Hope you all had a wonderful and blessed Christmas and New Year!