The most wonderful time????

"It's the most wonderful time...of the year".


In my world, "It's the most mind-boggling time...of the year". OR "It's the most insane-and-crazy time....of the year". OR "It's the most bitterweet time...of the year".


The last two weeks of December are so incredibly full of activity at the Holen house. In previous years, I am quite certain I have posted a similar posting about how crazy this time is, with two kids' birthdays within 9 days of each other, one right before Christmas, and one right after. There are moments during these two weeks where the pure insanity of it all catches up to me, and I can feel my anxiety spiraling out of control. But, then, there are moments when I realize just how special this time of year is for me as well. I had two of the very best days of my life happen (birthdays) right around one of the best days in the whole year (Christmas).


Christmas, 1999:
Eight and a half months pregnant with my first baby. Due date: January 6 0r 9 2000. Everything had been going well with my pregnancy, with the exception of a bit of high blood pressure. I felt good, overall. A little huge, but good. Ed and I were living in our house in Becker, a perfect, brand-new house which felt like home. We had such a great, neat, and compact little life. We went to work, then came home and did....what did we do???? Well, whatever it was, I'm sure it was really fun and important. ***DISCLAIMER: This is not to insinuate that people who do not have children do not have fun or important lives...it is simply an honest reflection on the very fact that I truly have no idea what Ed and I did on a routine basis before we had kids. We didn't watch a lot of TV, I didn't read much at that point in my life, nor did I really have a hobby***We celebrated Christmas Eve at my dad's house, the first Christmas without my mom. I remember going up the stairs to use the bathroom as Jamie was coming down the stairs, and because my belly was so big, I bumped into him and fell down the stairs. I pretty much just slid down the stairs, but I have wondered if that didn't set things into motion. The next day, we celebrated Christmas with the Holen family, and used our NEW video camera! I hardly had any preggie pictures of myself, so it was neat to see the video. That evening, at the Backes (my mom's family) Christmas, my aunt told me I looked like I had five days left. Five days....oh, wishful thinking! At that point in time, I had 1.5 to 2 weeks left, and had no reason to think I would go early.


December 28, 1999
It was a Tuesday, and I worked until about 6:30 or 7. I work as an occupational therapist with children, and that evening, I remember working with a few kids who I lifted that evening. I remember thinking, "I maybe need to simmer down on the lifting, because I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it." I got home that night around 7:30, and sat with Ed and did, well, whatever it was we did in the evening before we had kids. I began not feeling well, and started vomiting. I was up almost the entire night throwing up. It was the only time in my life where I would take a tiny sip of water, only to have it come back out 10 minutes later. Sometime during the night, the contractions began...


December 29-30, 1999
Contractions intensified, and I went to the hospital twice, only to be sent home because I was in the "early" stages of labor. I labored all day at home (mind you, very little sleep the night before), and finally at 1 am my water broke. I labored all night and gave birth to little Alexander Andrew at 12:20 pm on December 30. Life would never be the same!

Fast-forward five years:



December 20, 2004
I went to work that morning, a Monday morning, so very miserable. My due date was tomorrow (12-21), and I had never gone to my due date before. My pregnancy was going well, other than being huge and miserable. I did have some minor tachycardia (racing heartbeat), which I was supposed to be taking medication for, but I wasn't overly compliant. I was so sure I would have had this baby over the weekend...my whole pregnancy, I thought the 17th or 18th would be the day. I began having irregular contractions on 12-15, and they would start and stop, start and stop. It felt like I would never, EVER have this baby! I didn't expect to be working that day, and I had everything done...all of my paperwork, all of my patients were being seen by someone else. There was no reason for me to be at work. Sigh. I left around noon, and walked around the mall...maybe walking will stimulate something. Nope. I went home. Ed was home with the boys, he was going to school at the time and was working evenings. So, we spent the afternoon together. By about 1:30, the contractions started again, only this time, they stuck around. We called the clinic and my Dr. could see me at 4:30. We dropped the kids off at Holen's, and were on our way. The contractions didn't let up, but my Dr. didn't want to admit me to the hospital just yet. We went back to the mall and walked around, and the contractions picked up in intensity while we were there, but by the time we got home, they slowed down. Frustrated, huge, miserable, I went to sleep.

December 21, 2004
I woke at 5:30 am, and the contractions were back. Intense. I got up and played computer solitare for awhile, and realized I was curling my toes during the contractions. At around 8, I woke Ed, and told him we should head for the hospital. He showered, and we were on our way. Long story short, after a perfect, non-complicated, and relatively easy labor, Lillian Diane arrived at 1:49 pm, right on her due date.



December 25, 2004
Christmas Day, our first Christmas with Lilly. The boys were so excited to open their gifts from Santa. I was so excited to be holding my daughter!


Well, maybe it really is the most wonderful time of the year!

Thankful

It is early on Thanksgiving morning, and I just want to reflect on all that I am truly thankful for this year.

I am thankful for...
The health and safety of my family

A husband who loves me, who laughs with me, and who is buckled in next to me on this crazy roller coaster ride

Kids who fill my heart to the brim with love, who make me laugh, and who (right now, anyway) are respectful, kind children.


My dad and step-mom, my brothers and sister, nephews and niece (and a ???? on the way--Jess will find out in a few weeks)


My mother and father in-law, my brothers and sisters in-law, and my nieces and nephews.

The people who are impacting the lives of my kids in a positive way (their teachers, Tracy-our daycare lady), because I do believe it really does take a village to raise a child.

The friends I have--my cheerleaders, my support.

Saturday nights with my grandma...I don't know if she understands that these visits are as meaningful and enjoyable to me as they are to her.

A job that appeals to every area of my crazy and intense brain

Co-workers and partners who not just put up with me, but who have given me the opportunity to grow as a professional.

The clients who I serve...thank you for letting me be a part of your story!

The heat blowing through the vent of my house right now. It is easy to get caught up in what you don't have, but remember that there are many in this world who had to sleep under the stars, in the cold, in the rain, snow, heat, bugs, etc. I am very, very lucky to have a roof over my head.

The groceries in my pantry and fridge

That I can have clean clothes that smell good whenever I want

For the people who have taken the time to impart their wisdom to me. We all need a guiding hand, and wisdom does not fall on deaf ears with me

For the opportunities I have had to educate myself and to choose a career that fulfills me

For the diligence and support I have had to pursue regular exercise---not only does it help me manage my stress, but I have lost almost 20 lbs in the process!!! I couldn't do this without my workout buddy, for whom I am also thankful for

For a sense of humor

For the delicate balance of life...sometimes I am amazed by the idea that every creature on this earth plays a role, and that without each one, that the world would be out of whack.

For the One who makes all of these things possible

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Lucky

This weekend, I saw:
My niece and God-daughter, Adella
My aunt and uncle, Honey and Steve
My dad and stepmom, Jack and Linda
A whole bunch of Backes family--aunts, uncles, cousins
My brother, Jamie
My aunt and uncle, Tom and LaDonna
Old friends
My kids
And, of course, Ed (but barely, because he was on his hunting weekend)

There are plenty of people who I didn't see this weekend like:
My Grandma
My sister, Jess, and brother, Rick
My in-laws
My gal pals.

This weekend was so full of family and friends, it was a bit overwhelming. But, as I sit here and reflect upon it, I realize how lucky and truly blessed I am to have all of these people in my life.

I like the saying "We may not have it together, but together we have it all", because that is what really describes where I am at in life right now. I have felt unsettled, like my life is not complete, that something is missing. I have felt disappointed in myself because I have felt like I wasn't where I thought I would be by age 35. I don't have the goods I thought I would have by 35. I don't have the stress-free life I thought I would have by 35. My life is not set, as I thought it would be by 35. But look at what I have...I am really, really lucky. Because my "people" are far more important than anything, and they are what give my life meaning, satisfaction, and joy.

It has been a difficult week. My aunt, Janet, my dad's sister, is dying after a 6-month battle with pancreatic cancer. She has lived alone, out in Oregon, for as long as I can remember, and my dad and other aunt plan to be there with her for her last days. Tonight, I attended a wake for a 33 year old guy who I knew growing up, who passed away on Thursday. As I was sitting through this wake, and hearing his friends and family, through tears, talk about what a great guy he was and what an impact he had on their lives. I realized how truly sad it was that he probably had no idea of the impact he did have. And I see how important it is to show those who you care about how much they have shaped you, how much they mean to you. I don't want to be standing at the podium, tearfully describing how much a loved one has meant to me, feeling regret because that person didn't know how much I cared.

It's a tall order, with a busy family and full-time job, to carve out the time for the people who mean so much to me. It takes effort, juggling, and a bit of finesse. But, I would take a weekend like this (with the exception of barely seeing Ed) 100 times over just to make sure I have done what I can to show my "people" how much they mean to me.

Holen News:

Ed went up to the cabin (waaay up north) for his hunting weekend. However, he didn't "catch" anything (my term for getting a deer). He has been super-busy at work, and is starting to feel a bit like drowning. It is too early in the year for this! His "quiet" time of year is from August-November, so October shouldn't be a time where he is drowning.

I have a new (used) van. My poor old van starting behaving scary-bad last week. The entire car shook in 2nd and 3rd gears. It only happened once, but it was enough for me to say, "OK, it is time". I have been driving that van since February, 2000. We bought it brand-spankin'-new and put on 217000 miles. At the time of it's demise, it started like a charm, ran great (except for that pesky transmission issue). But, the heat didn't work very well--the fan on 5 blew as hard as my new van on 2. The gas gauge didn't work, so I had to fill up after 400 miles because I would have no idea how much gas was left. The drivers' side radio speaker didn't work, so it was hard to hear the radio. It was dirty, inside and out, and starting to get rusty. I would have driven it longer, but the van had other plans. We bought a 2005 Chevy Uplander. There are many luxuries in that van, such as working heat and A/C, a smooth transmission, and a sweet stereo. I am very easy to please :)

The kids are well. Alex is have a good year so far in 5th grade. He has re-joined choir this year, and is playing football. Cameron is also having a good year-4th grade. He is also in football, and was so excited this week because he ran the mile in gym class and had the fastest time in his class. HE was beaming when he told me. So cute!

And Lilly...oh, man, does that girl LOVE school. We hear about kindergarten ALL. THE. TIME. From the moment I come home from work until the moment she goes to bed. It is all about her teacher, her friends, her songs, what everyone looks like, what they smell like, what color clothes they wear, what their voices sound like. Holy cow. I have never, EVER, had the boys tell me this much about school.

Well, that's probably enough for now.

The Mommy Wars

It seems as though we women like to put ourselves through the wringer. It may be our insecurities, our self-righteousness, or our firm beliefs. But whatever it is, we sure like to cluck about other women who do or don't do things the way we think they should. This is mostly evident with the "working mom" vs. "at-home mom" cold war. As a member of the former team (The Working Moms), I have been on the receiving end of many a well-meaning (but, snide, I thought) comment, such as "How can you work?" or "I just couldn't do that to my kids".

Now, I didn't choose to be a working parent. It would have been completely impossible for me to be at home, unless we sold our house, car, etc. Not to mention the student loans I need to pay off! We don't live in an extravagant house, it is a small, boring, split-level, and I drive the same minivan I have driven for the past 10 years. So, I am not saying that I need to work so we can maintain some high-rollin' lifestyle. I need to work so I can provide for our family.

That being said, I enjoy my work incredibly, and I don't know that I could choose to stay at home entirely. I'm sure I'd get used to it, but I don't know that it would work for me. I don't know what kind of at-home mom I would be, but I suspect that I wouldn't be at my best for much of the time. In my perfect world, I would work 2-3 days per week. But, I can't, so I won't lament.

The point of this post, is that I read a wonderful article in Good Housekeeping which was written in 1960, 50 years ago, by a woman who is said to be the mother of the feminist movement of the 60's and 70's. Her article was questioning the status quo of the '50's in which women didn't have a choice to work or be at home. It was expected that the woman "celebrated her femininity" by maintaining her home, raising her children, and serving her husband (it didn't say it that way, but I couldn't help but interpret it that way). They printed several reader letters after that, 3 of 4 readers who were so relieved to see their very thoughts on paper...."There has to be more to life than this"...

And then it dawned on me: We, as women today, are so lucky because we have a choice. We are able to work if we choose to, and we are able to stay home if we choose to (and if we are able to). And it is because of the women before us...our mothers and our grandmothers who fought for us to have that choice. And that is what it is, a choice. It isn't right or wrong, it is just what works for each one of us. We don't all need to fit in this little can, this one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

As a working mom, yes, I feel worried sometimes that I don't spend enough time with my kids. I cried the first few days I dropped each of my precious babies at daycare. But I have also reconciled that guilt within myself. It doesn't pay to sit around and feel guilty about it because I can't change it. I also see how my kids are growing up, and I see that they are good kids, they are good to each other, they are good to other people, and they are good to Ed and I. And, ultimately, that is my goal as a parent, to raise decent, good, kids so they become responsible, happy, and successful adults. I can see that they don't just need quantity, in terms of my time, but they need quality. That is how I balance it. I work hard to make the time I spend with them quality time.

And in the big picture of things, we need to quit beating each other up for the choices we as mothers make. Because it isn't the road that matters as much as the destination.

Ode to Cameron

Today is Cameron's 9th birthday. He was born at 9:46 am on July 26, 2001. He was born 2 days before his due date. My water broke the evening before he was born, and I was induced the next morning. After a quick, but psychotic labor, he was here. I was the first to see that he was a boy, and I remember being incredibly surprised. Everyone thought we were having a girl. We did not find out if he was a boy or girl, but I had girl vibes through the whole pregnancy. I remember looking at him, and thinking that he was so beautiful (as every mom does), but I was struck by his appearance...he looked nothing like I would have expected. It seems as though many people have kids that look kind of similar to one another as infants, but Cameron could not have looked more different than Alex. He had this inquisitive look about him, and he curiously looked around the room just minutes after he was born. I was immediately in love with this boy!

As a baby, he was just the nicest, sweetest baby. Jess and I will still say that about him..."he was just the NICEST baby!!!" He was pleasant and smiley, and very laid-back. He was a happy baby, but his demeanor was very even...so no lows, but no highs, either. At night, I would rock him, and lightly stroke from his forehead down to the tip of his nose. He was a mommy's baby, and I loved it!

As a toddler, he was, again, very laid-back, very curious, and could be a stinker! He barely babbled at all, and I was getting a bit concerned about his speech development when all of a sudden, the boy was talking, and talking, and talking-in a monotone voice. Ed and I say that the first day Cameron spoke he said "Daddy", on the second day he said "Mommy", and on the third day he said "E=MC2".

He has since developed into such a great kid. He has his moments, as they all do, but I think all in all, I am pretty fortunate. He is the middle child, with all that comes with being the middle child. He can be a bit egocentric, as many kids are, but in the next moment, he is playing dolls with Lilly, just to make her happy. He doesn't like when anyone has hurt feelings, or is left out. He has a lot of friends, but isn't incredibly outgoing. He doesn't like to see anyone hurting or suffering, either. He wanted me to pull over to let a fly out of the back of the car because he didn't want to see it suffer :). He can also be argumentative, and I have said for years that if he does not become a lawyer, he will not have made full use of the gifts he was given... He can out-argue me already, and he is only nine, Lord only knows what I am in for!!!

He is tough, but tender. He loves himself and other people. He loves Alex and Lilly so very much, although he does enjoy picking fights with them too (the middle-kid thing). He loves little kids, animals, and anyone who he can care for. He refuses to be affectionate with me in public, but gives the tightest hugs at bedtime. He makes sure that Ed and I know that we are "the best parents in the world". He hates change (yep, that one came from me), and he clings to routine (uh, yeah, me again). He is sentimental, articulate, and quite intelligent. He is curious and easy to talk to. He is a good kid who is a hard worker. He approaches his interests with absolute passion.

I just love that kid!

Someone make it STOP!!!!!

I simply cannot believe how busy this summer has been! Generally, at least for me, once we hit the fourth of July, it is as if someone puts the brakes on, the remainder of the summer seems to just DRAG. I remember posting last August, just how much I hate August because it just seems to go on and on forever, with no end in sight. Now, granted, my past few Augusts have been very stressful, with lots of work stress. Also, there is a fair amount of $$ stress as the summer daycare bills begin catching up with me, as well as putting out a chunk of cash for back to school clothes and supplies.

But, I must say, I am kind of excited for August this year, because I could use a month where things just slow down a bit. We haven't been as busy as we were in June with weddings, grad parties, etc., but it seems as though the days just run by so quickly, nevertheless. The boys will be done with baseball this coming week, so that will provide a much-needed reprieve in the evenings. Cameron's last game will be on Wednesday, and Alex has his baseball tournament on Saturday the 24th, signifying the end of another fun and successful baseball season.

Ed has been helping to coordinate Cold Spring Little League this summer, so he is busy with lots and lots of details on baseball nights. It will be nice for him to not have that. He can settle into a somewhat low-paced next four months or so, before end-of-the-year accounting fun at Simonson, and of course, next tax year.

I have been busy at work, as always. It seems as though the job is just always busy. I have had a few students who have been job-shadowing with me, and I tell them that this job is, quite honestly, the perfect job for me. It changes every 30 to 45 minutes, and I don't see two patients who are alike. I can see a 3-year old with cerebral palsy, then switch to a 55-year old with social functioning difficulties, then switch to a 8 year old with sensory processing difficulties. It is never the same, never boring. There are some elements of my job that are less than perfect, but that has to do with ownership/management issues, not practice issues. I have to remember in the midst of all of this craziness, just how lucky I am to have a job where I do not wake up in the morning and wish I didn't have to go. I have always "had" to work to sustain our finances, but I think I would "have" to work somewhat just to have balance in my life. Of course, if I could choose, I probably wouldn't work as much as I do, but all in all, it isn't a bad gig.

Alex has been having a very good summer. He has enjoyed baseball, and overall, has done a little better than we expected considering he moved up to a more competitive league. He was doing super-great at the beginning of the year, but has hit a bit of a slump in the past few games. This has been very frustrating for him, but provided a great opportunity for discussing the value of practice and hard work. He just expects that he should be able to step up to the plate and get a hit each time. It doesn't work that way. He thinks the boys who are "really good" on his team were just born that way, but a lot of those boys play on multiple leagues and practice daily. So, we were able to have a nice discussion about the value of practice and diligence, and he has been working so hard ever since!

He is also blowing me away with his piano abilities. I started teaching all three kids this summer for 30 minutes each week, and Alex is over half-way done with the first book. We generally get through 6-10 pages each week (Cameron gets through about four, Lilly gets through 1 or 2). I have believed all along that Alex has strong musical talents, and he is certainly proving that now.

Cameron has been also enjoying baseball, especially the fact that he gets to play with his two best buddies. He is anxiously awaiting the start of football season, and he has informed us that he will be the first famous Holen, because he is going to be a pro football player. Again, a great opportunity to discuss hard work and practice. However, this is a topic Cameron already has down-pat, as he has created a one -hour daily exercise routine to both build muscle and increase his endurance. He is such a motivated kid and a hard worker, I hope it works out for him :)

Lilly has been pretty status-quo. She just got her second haircut ever in her life, and I was pretty scared that her beautiful curls would be gone. Her first haircut was when she was just 3, and it was to mainly even out her baby hairdo, since her hair didn't come in until she was three. She only cut an inch or two off yesterday, and it looks pretty much the same. The top pieces look a bit straighter, but we will have to see.

Well, this is probably enough Holen information for now. Enjoy the rest of July!!!

To know me is to love me

It has been a long time since I posted. Life has been super-busy, as it has been for most of us as we try to enjoy these short few months of summer. It has been so rainy and stormy over the past few weeks, it has not been easy to enjoy, as of yet, although the forecast looks good for the next week.

My thoughts running through my head today are those of other people in my life. I had such a wonderful weekend this weekend, with a family wedding on Friday night and a family reunion on Saturday. I love getting together with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and, of course, my grandma. I love catching up with them, hanging out with them, and just playing around. I love that I have this big, warm, chaotic extended family, and I understand just how truly blessed I am. In the midst of all of those warm feelings, I also feel frustrated. I feel that there are those in my life who should know me the best, who don't take the time to know me, to know who I really am, what I do, what my strengths are, my weaknesses, my accomplishments, my goals, and on and on and on. And I guess it really boils down to expectations that I have that are not being met. I know the solution is to just not have those expectations, but boy, that is tough to do. But, I really need to work on that, for my own happiness. But I see the wisdom in the words "to know me is to love me", because it really is true.

Enough of that. Time to let that negativity go.....

In Holen news:

The boys are really enjoying baseball this summer. Cameron is playing in the minor league (7, 8, and 9 year-olds), which is Monday and Wednesday at 6-7. Alex is playing in the major league (10, 11, and 12 year-olds) which is M and W from 7:15-8:30. So, we are busy those evenings, especially on Wednesdays, because I don't even get home from work until 5:30. So we are eating suppers of PB&J and popcorn on Wednesday evenings.

Lilly is enjoying summer, but is anxiously awaiting the start of kindergarten. Apparently there is "big kindergarten" which means that learning will happen, and "little kindergarten" which is free play. She is excited to ride the bus and eat lunch at school. Big stuff for a 5 year old!

We have had 2 weddings, 2 grad parties, and a family reunion, all within the past three weeks. On Wednesday after baseball, we will be heading up to Erskine to Ed's uncle's cabin for our annual 4th of July vacation. We are all so excited! There is just something about being up there, it is very relaxing. Even Lilly can't wait.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer!!!

Embracing 35?

That's me, 34 years ago. Celebrating my first birthday. Where the birthday love began.

Saturday, I will celebrate turning 35. I am not too sure how I feel about this. 35 seems so, well, mature, so grown-up. If there is one thing I don't feel, it is grown-up. And I can't seem to decide if that is a good or a bad thing.

When I was younger, when I imagined being 35, I envisioned that I would be set. Completely stable and in control of my life. Yeah. Not there yet...in fact, some days, I feel I have a long way to go.

It has been an interesting year for me this year. I have struggled with how fast it seems as though the kids are growing. I feel worried that I haven't given them enough. Enough time, enough attention....I think that I have struggled in the past with balancing my work-family situation, and over the past few months, I have begun to realize it. Knowing that it has been a problem is helping me to find solutions to the problem, which ultimately is leading me to spending more quality time with the kids. I am just so afraid of feeling regretful 15 years from now, wishing I would have done more, wishing I would have been more attentive, more present for them, instead of being distracted and stressed out. It is just so easy to get swept away in the demands of daily life, and before you know it, months have passed.

I am learning it takes considerable effort to keep my feet on the ground to avoid being caught up in the windstorm that is my life.

So that whole learning process has taken up the better part of my 35th year of life.

Consequently (and because of the windstorm), I am just not feeling the same unbridled excitement that I typically feel around my birthday. It all seems a bit dull this year. I am hoping that this quickly changes and I can get back to my obnoxious, attention-seeking self :)

In other Holen news...

Last Thursday was Lilly's last day of preschool. She had a fantastic year, and will miss preschool very much. She made many new friends (and boyfriends---seriously, what is up with this girl stuff?!?!?), and she was quite sad that preschool has ended. She will spend 4 days each week at daycare, and tomorrow, one of her very best friends who has been at Tracy's daycare for as long as we have (since Lilly was 2), will be spending her last day at Tracy's. I think this adjustment will be hard for Lilly, although there are two more best buddies there to keep her company until school starts. Lilly is anxiously awaiting the start of the school year when she can ride the bus and eat lunch at school (!!).

The boys had their last day of school today. They were both feeling happy/sad today. They each had a very good year, and were not necessarily super-excited to have the school year end. Once again, they brought home very good report cards, and were relieved to learn that they each passed their grade (despite being quite a good student, I always was a little nervous that I would find out by reading my report card that I was not moving forward to the next grade--so I can relate to the boys' relief). So, now, I have a 5th grader, a 4th grader, and a kindergartner. Holy cow!!!! All 3 in school! There are certainly some mixed emotions brewing.....

Well, I'm off to bed to read a few pages and catch some zzzz's. I guess I will do my best to embrace being a mature 35....what other choice do I have?

Googley Schmoogley

Lillian Diane Holen

AKA: Lilly, Lil, Lillers, Lillian D, Sweet Pea, Sweet Peadle, Peadle Deedle, Googey, Googley, Googley Bear, Googley Schmoogley, Googs, Googs Schmoogs.

Ever since I had kids, I worked a 4-day week. So, for the past 10 years, I have always had a child at home with me.

After Cameron went to kindergarten almost 4 years ago, I discovered the wonders of having just one child in my care, something not experienced since Alex was born (Alex and Cameron are 19 months apart....). I tried hard to enjoy those days with just one child, and as of this week, they are officially over. The boys will be home now each Monday until school starts, and once school starts, the Googley Bear will be in school too. Don't misunderstand, I enjoy having the boys home, and I know I will definitely get more accomplished because they will be home.

But it is the end of an era for me. The end of "special days" as Cameron called them, the year he was home with me when Alex was in kindergarten (Lilly was just a baby then, so Cameron got a lot of individual attention, too).

Last Monday, I made sure to play with her...we played a board game, Polly Pockets, and we did mani-pedis. We watched the "Sound of Musnic" (as she calls it), and I tried really hard to make it just a little more special than our regular special days.

The last picture I posted I snapped about five minutes before the boys came home from school...marking the end of this era for me.

It's bittersweet.

Back in the Saddle

WHEW!

It has been such a busy past few weeks/months, and now, since all of the activity has died down, I can begin to get back on track.

I am a person who likes to have a lot of things going on, it keeps me on my toes. But, quite honestly, I think I was a bit over-stretched during the past few months with all kinds of different things. I have been stressed out, over-busy, and a bit unfocused. I am SO looking forward to the next few weeks, since there isn't much going on, the weather is beautiful, and of course, there is my birthday (!!) which will be here before I know it.

A brief summary of what has been happening:

March--Dance begins--practice every Saturday morning. I then, usually, had things to do after dance practice, so generally, I didn't get home until later in the afternoon.

Not to mention, Ed being gone all the time for taxes.

Also, I helped arrange the food for the Boni Ball this year again, so lots of e-mails and phone calls to get ready for this.

May 1--Dance recital. This went so well this year, but that is a full day of activity. Lots of running around to pick up last-minute items.

May 2--Shower for Eva (Rick's wife) in Minnetonka

May 3--Work at home, Cameron home sick with stomach flu, I only had about 4 hours of sleep

May 4--just a normal day at work, Cameron still sick, but Ed stayed home with him

May 5--Workshop in Minneapolis--drove to and from

May 6--Workshop in Minneapolis--drove to and from. When I got home, I needed to pick up my dress from the seamstress who altered it.

May 7--Set up for Boni Ball (9-12), then to the cities for the wedding.

May 8--Wedding!!!!

May 9--Took the kids to the MOA for the morning, then finally home

May 10--Work from home, get a million loads of laundry done and try to get a grip on the housework around here.

May 11-present: Nothing too new going on, still trying to get my head on straight.

So, now, I am feeling like my head is almost on straight. I have the housework under control, almost have all of my paperwork at work under control. NOW, I can begin to move forward!!

Mothers' Day 2010

Mother's day is always a very special day for me. I get spoiled all day long! I am able to reflect on the impact my own mother has had on my life, and feel like part of "the club" of moms who get just one day each year to be honored for all that we do.

Here is my favorite picture of me and Lilly this weekend at Rick's wedding. And how fitting to get such a great mother-daughter picture just in time for Mothers' Day!

So, for as much as I would like to honor myself this Mothers' Day, I can't help but honor some very special moms.

Through my work, I encounter so many special moms. These moms, the moms to the kids who I have had the opportunity to be a part of their very special lives, these moms are some of the most remarkable ladies I have ever met.

This is a group to which I know I do not belong...there are things that these moms have had to deal with that I may never understand. But, I do recognize how special, how strong, and how fabulous these women are.

I found this passage on a site of a family who has a child with special needs, and from what I can see, this really does say it all for these ladies...

Why moms of kids with special needs are, well, special...

1. Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much, but we do do it all--and then some.

2. Because we discovered patience that we never knew we had.

3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times, or 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.

4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. Take THAT, naysaying doctors of the world.

5. Because we have bad days, breakdowns, and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.

6. Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, and the rude remarks (well, mostly gracefully).

7. Because we manage to get ourselves together and out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good!

8. Because we are strong. Man, are we strong! Who knew we could be this strong?!

9. Because we aren't just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches, and cheerleaders. Whew!

10. Because we work overtime every single day.

11. Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate, or Pirate's Booty, or gourmet cheese (which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities, but should be).

12. Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more.

13. Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our families. And, our hairstylists, of course.

14. Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.

15. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else--even if they can't talk; even if they can't gesture; even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.

16. Because we never stop pushing for our kids.

17. Because we never stop hoping for them, either.

18. Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal--even when it seems as though our heads or our hearts might explode.

19. Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids--not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.

To all moms...Happy Mothers' Day!!!!!!!!

Details

I am in one of those modes where I feel like I have too much on my plate. Everything I have going on will be intensifying over the next two weeks, then, BAM, it will all be over. I have my eyes on May 10, the first day without something going on.

Here's what I have...

Saturday-Our final dance performance. Since this is our fourth year doing this, I am hoping that it will run quite smoothly, and won't take up the mental and physical energy it has in the past. But, there are a lot of small details that I need to tend to (if you know me, you know how much I hate small details), and I get so nervous that I am going to forget something.

Friday, May 7- The Boni Ball...I have been on the food committee, and while I can't be present at the Boni Ball, I am not off the hook here. I have not gone to any meetings this year, which has helped me to balance things a bit better, but once again, I have small details to address (ordering plates, making sure the food order, drink order, etc) are accurate. Lots of phone calls...

Saturday, May 8- Rick (my brother's) wedding. This is going to be a lot of fun, and a really fun weekend, but I am a bridesmaid, and Lilly is a flower girl. So, again, details. I need to pick up my dress from the seamstress who is altering it, I need to get shoes, jewelry, and figure out how I am going to do my hair. I have to get Lilly's shoes and hair figured out, not to mention, making sure the boys have nice clothes to wear. Details, details, DETAILS!!!!!

As I get older, I am beginning to understand myself more, and I know that I am not meant for small details. I am a big thinker, global, one who comes up with the idea, but needs those detail people to carry it out. In a perfect Robbie world, there would be no details...I could simply think about it, and it would be done. But in the real world, the details are always pressing, and I can either avoid them-which could be disastrous, or I can continue to challenge myself to address these details.

But, man, I hate details.

Fear

"The only thing to fear...is fear itself". FDR

Fear is really something to be afraid of. I tend to worry...a lot...about things that are often-times out of my control. Or, I worry about anticipated events or stressors, and fear the fear that often accompanies them. It can be difficult to keep this fear in check at times.


Many times, fear, for me, is of the unknown. Things that I can't anticipate, things that I don't see coming, those kinds of things freak me out.

I have been feeling for the past few months that my life is missing something, is incomplete. It is a nagging feeling, like a quiet voice, whispering in my ear. The trouble is, I am afraid of change, and in order to listen to this nagging voice, changes will need to be made. So what to do? I am just trying to take things just one day at a time, and this seems to be working for me.

So here is the question...is fear enough of a reason to not make changes in your life? The answer is obvious, it is not. But, how many of us do not make changes in our lives because we are afraid? My assignment for myself is to overcome this fear, and do what I feel I need to do.

So, in other Holen news...

Tax season is finally over! Whew! So now, I am looking forward to having Ed home before 8:00 most nights. However, he is now, supposedly, quite behind at work, so he will be working later hours for the next few weeks to get caught up on things. So, it remains to be seen if he will actually be coming home at a reasonable time. Ed had a very good tax season, he did about 2x as many returns as he did last year. He also seemed to manage the work load quite well, better than he thought he would. So, all in all, it was a good tax season.

Alex is competing in the speech festival at his school on Saturday. He is doing a speech from a stand-up comedy routine by Brian Regan. It is very funny, and he generally has everyone in the room rolling with laughter. So I am excited to see him performing. Alex has always been just a little bit unlike other kids his age, which was a source of constant worry for me when he was younger. But now, I am beginning to see what Alex is able to do because he is unique. Getting up in front of people and delivering a funny speech without any stage fright is quite remarkable for a 10-year old boy. I am also hearing things from other people about the kind things that Alex does, such as hold doors open for adults, giving his chair to people, etc. He is a very thoughtful young man, and I am very proud of him!

Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, and now that the weather is nice, he constantly has grass stains on his jeans because of all of his diving and tackling. He will, occasionally, play a little baseball, but he insists that football is still his all-time favorite.

Lilly...Lilly. She is sitting right next to me jabbering my ear off. These Mondays, where I am working from home seem to be getting harder instead of easier, since she is constantly seeking my attention when she is the only one home. I am actually really looking forward to summer, since the boys will be home, and will be able to entertain her better than I can. She is winding down her preschool year, and will go to a 1/2 day of kindergarten to try it out and see what it is like. She is excited for kindergarten, but a little nervous, because she doesn't know how things will work. I keep telling her that she will figure it out, but that doesn't stop her from worrying about it.

Well, better run, the attention-seeker needs a little undivided attention!

"The silent killer..."

I learned of some very sad news last week...my Aunt (one of my Dad's sisters), was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My understanding is that the doctors initially thought it had been caught early enough to surgically remove the cancerous portion of her pancreas, but later discovered it had metastasized to her liver, making her condition inoperable, and likely untreatable. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is quite treatable when caught in the early stages. However, typically, it presents with very few symptoms, so it often goes undiscovered until it has spread. Thus, the name "the silent killer".

Please include her and the rest of my family in your prayers...

Our family, apparently, is no stranger to pancreatic cancer. My cousin, Michelle, died in 2006 at the age of 39 from pancreatic cancer. As far as I know, she had very few risk factors, she was young, healthy, and a runner. She learned of her cancer in January, and died in May. She has beautiful twins, who were not quite 18 months when she died (they were born the week before Lilly...) My great-aunt Melva (my dad's aunt) died in her 80's of pancreatic cancer, and my great-grandmother (my dad's grandmother) also died as a result of this cancer. I also had a great-uncle who died in his early 60's as a result of colon cancer.

So, worried, I turn to the internet...the trusty internet for some answers. I did find some valid information (deemed valid because several reputable internet sites reported similar information--Johns Hopkins, some cancer center in New York), which provided some information on Hereditary Pancreatic Cancer.

"Sweet," I think...I can find a little info, bring it to my doctor, and that will earn me at least yearly screenings so that if I develop this horrible illness, we can catch it and treat it.

Only to discover that there is no screening method for this cancer. There is research, and hopefully, one day in the future, there will be.

To further discover, that while it is the fourth leading cause of cancer deaths (again, because it is generally untreatable), it is a cancer whose research is sorely under-funded...

So, I am more than a bit nervous. For myself, yes. But for my children. For my sister and brothers. For my nephews and niece. For my cousins and their families. For my dad. For my aunts and uncles. It is a tragic, tragic disease, and a horrible way to die.

On top of that, I am just sad for my aunt that she has to go through this. Please keep our family in your prayers, and consider donating to the research happening for the screening and treatment of pancreatic cancer

http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas/support.php

Resiliency

-noun
1. The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity.

2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

I met this word as a sixth grader, when my teacher remarked that I was "resilient". I liked how it sounded, it sounded so much like brilliant (another favorite word of mine), so I knew it had to be good. When I discovered what it meant, I liked it even more, and realized that I must be a resilient person.

Resiliency is the ability to pick yourself up after you fall over and over again in the relentless pursuit of a goal. It is taking lemons and making lemonade. It is reaching for the brass ring, even after you miss it the first five times around. It is keeping your nose to the grindstone in the face of adversity for the long haul because, in the end, it will all be worth it. Yes, I am resilient...

But I have seen resiliency that I don't know I posses. I work with people who have special needs, who face challenges every single day because their body, mind, spirit, or background have prevented them from functioning at the level of their peers. Every day, they pick themselves up (sometimes literally), and face each day. Sometimes they stumble, but they never stop. They never give up. Because what is the alternative? The mom of the child who has "behavioral problems", who each day chooses to love her child, because no one else will. Who drives 45 minutes for appointments, who has carefully scheduled her life around the needs of this child to make things just a little easier. Or the person who grew up in poverty, in addiction, and a part of "the system", who grabbed that brass ring the first time around, and took the opportunity to build a life and break that cycle. A person who is intelligent, articulate, caring, and never forgets the barriers that were overcome.

So, while I believe that I am a resilient person, and that, perhaps, in the face of such adversity, I would hold true to my beliefs that it is better to keep on going. But, thus far, my "resiliency" is just an ideal, nothing compared to the grit that I have seen in some very special people recently. I am so blessed to have these people in my life, to teach me about true persistence, true resiliency.

So take those lemons, don't chew on them! Add a little sugar, water, and make it something sweet!

A day off...

I took today off because the kids didn't have school today. There are quite a few days in the next month that they do not have school, so I thought I would take a few of those days off with them. I am trying to get the house clean, so that I can enjoy the rest of the weekend, but can't seem to find all of my motivation. Oh, well, it is about 1/2-way done and I have the rest of the day to finish the other half.

Fridays at work are my favorite day of the week to work, and now, they are my favorite day to have off from work, too. I am becoming a work-junkie, and with convenient remote access, I can check my e-mails whenever I want (oh, lucky me!). So, it is hard, if not impossible, for me to resist the urge to check my work e-mail. Because, you never know, the place could burn down if I'm not checked in. But, there is so little e-mail traffic on Fridays, and what few e-mails I have had, I was able to easily address. It is nice to feel like I can actually have a day off without the stress of work hanging over my head. Kind of like a mini-vacay, :)

Today, Lilly and I ran into St. Cloud to run a few errands. It was gloomy and rainy outside, and I didn't really want to be running around. But Lilly was feeling, oh, so chipper. She blabbed on and on from the backseat, mostly to herself as she was playing with some dolls. Gradually, the noise became louder and louder, until she was singing at the top of her lungs. This continued for about 10 minutes, when she stopped. I told her, "Lilly, that was a beautiful song,", and she informed me that she just made it up because she felt like singing. It was so perfect. She has so much joy, at times (when she isn't being a drama queen, :-)because she finds happiness in simple things.

I have always believed that I am a happy person, a person who can find and share joy, a person who looks at the bright side, and who believes in the value of hard work and persistence. But, as life moves on, it is starting to wear me down, and at times, I feel like I am losing those parts of myself that I have always believed to be "me". I think that I have shifted my priorities, both out of necessity, and out of a belief to fit into a certain mold, and those priorities aren't necessarily conducive to joyful self-expression. I will treasure that moment with Lilly that we had today, and I will always encourage her, as well as Alex and Cameron, to take a moment to find joy and to share it with others.

On a different note, we had conferences for all three kids last night at school. It was nice to hear that they are all doing well. They have all been blessed with very good teachers who complement their personalities. It has been such a good school year, I hate to see it winding down. You just never know what the next grade will bring...it could be great, but it could be terrible. I guess we have to just wait and see.

Hopefully, it stops raining soon and the spring flooding isn't too bad. Apparently the Sauk River is one that is being watched closely, as there is potential for significant flooding. Last year, one of the playgrounds which is on the river, was almost completely underwater. Hopefully, it isn't any worse this year, since many homes and businesses in our community are very close to the Sauk.

Stay dry!!

Productivity....

Saturday morning, and no where to go today. I'd better enjoy it because we are starting our SPOT dance program in two weeks. Practices every Saturday from March 13 to the end of April. It is a sacrifice, and one that I thought long and hard about. I really enjoy my Saturday mornings, and if they are like today, they are very productive. But, I decided I could sacrifice six or seven of them in a year for the girls who look forward to dance every year.

So far, I have....
Laundry for the week almost done--including my bedding
Both bathrooms clean from top to bottom (minus the floors...I'll get to that soon)
My bedroom clean and dusted.
The living room cleaned, dusted, and partially vacuumed
All the bills are paid--did that last night

I love feeling on top of all of my responsibilities. It usually only lasts so long, and once things get busy, I tend to let things go a bit.

Nothin' better than a sunny Saturday morning.

News around the Holen house:

Ed has been quite busy with taxes this year. So far, he has done as many returns as he did all year last year. He is doing a good job of keeping up with it all, but I'm sure he is looking forward to April 15.

As a result, I have been pretty much a single mom. As hard as that sounds, it really hasn't been too bad. I have finally started to put my foot down with the kids as far as making them responsible for household tasks, which gives me a little more time to veg out on the couch and watch "mommy tv", a treasure for me, since I so infrequently get to watch what I like.

I have been working hard at working out, although I know I need to pick up the frequency a bit. I usually get to Snap about 3x.week, I'd like to bump it up to four, but it is hard to find the time and energy, especially since I can't usually go until 8:45 or so. I am training for a 5k, I suppose, and recently was able to run 1.1 miles without stopping. This is a huge accomplishment for me, since I have never been any good at running.

The kids are doing well, growing fast. I am trying to take more time for them, letting myself be in the moment with them. It is truly hard to balance it all. Alex continues to have a good year in school, although he has recently had some tummy troubles. I am thinking he has some type of virus, but he has been queasy almost all day long for the past two weeks or so. I think it is getting better, I haven't heard as many complaints. Usually, by suppertime, it seems to work itself out, but by morning, he is feeling yucky again.

Cameron is also doing well in school. He has been reading the "Henry Huggins" books by Beverly Cleary, and some of the Ramona books, too. I love that he enjoys these books, since these were my favorite books growing up. He reads like a madman, and when he is not reading, he is either asking to play Madden '10 on the Xbox or he is throwing his red football in the air, dazzling me with his diving catches. That boy has the football bug, and he has it bad.

Lilly continues to be growing and changing. She loves preschool, and is doing well with her letters. She is also turning into quite a reader, which is impressive, considering that she is not even in kindergarten. She can read much of "Hop on Pop", and works hard to sound out words. If the words sound the same way they look, she can read almost anything. She gets mixed up with the "th", "sh", "ch" and other combinations.

As for me, things have been OK. Work has been busy, but overall has been a bit better than it has been over the past six months or so. I am beginning to write in a journal, and have three books on my "to do" pile. I just need to keep working on balance, saying no, and recognizing my boundaries. Not an easy task when it seems as though everyone needs so much from me. But I'll keep working at it.

Have a great day~it is sunny and beautiful here today, it might get up to 35 degrees.

Happy obligations

Last night, I attended a lecture by Louise Erdrich, a favorite author of mine. She spoke about creativity. I first need to thank my friend Leslie, for the ticket. She works in the fine arts department at St. Ben's/St. John's, and was able to get tickets for those of us from book club who wanted to go. It was a very good evening, and one that will be the topic of this week's musing.

I generally don't think myself a creative person, at least not when it comes to anything visual. I can't draw, paint, or even decorate my home very well. I don't have a very good sense of style (I always wear solid pants/solid shirts, and only have a small pile of shoes to choose from). But I do feel the creative stream (Erdrich's words, not mine) flowing through me. I am imaginative.

I have always thought that I was an intelligent person. I always received good grades in high school and college, and had potential for better grades. But I never did more than what was required of me. I didn't actively seek out opportunities to expand my intelligence or creativity. As a child, I was a bookworm...I was always reading something. But, as a young adult, I pretty much stopped reading. And there were years, YEARS, let me tell you, that I never picked up a book. I don't know if it was information overload. As a college student taking a full load of credits, who really wants to sit down and read more, or attend more lectures? I just wanted to get done, get married, get a job, have babies, and live happily ever after.

And that is what I did.

And don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my life in which I am so incredibly satisfied. I realize how blessed I am. I have three beautiful, bright, healthy children, who generally don't try my patience too much (except when they are hyper, that really gets under my skin). But they are good kids, they try hard in school, they are good to other people, and they aren't punks (at least not yet). I have a wonderful husband. We have grown up together, and yet, he recognizes my need to be a separate person from him. He encourages me and supports me, and above all, loves me unconditionally. My work is immensely challenging, which is a double-edged sword. It can be both my blessing and my curse. I am working now on balancing the stressors of my job with the rewards, and am trying not to let my job consume me. Again, not sure if the job thing is a blessing or a curse, but regardless, I have a job that is diverse, challenging, and one where the sky is the limit, so I guess it falls more on the "blessing" end of the spectrum.

But when I look at that paragraph above, I see that all of my blessings are other people. I don't have a blessing that pertains to me.

At times, I feel as though something is missing. I feel like there is something in me which is uncultivated, untouched. Like an abandoned room in a house, where slipcovers protect the furniture from dust. Because I just don't quite feel like me.

As I'm listening to this woman, author of countless books and a literary genius, in my opinion, I realize that I have let my river of creativity flow without any intervention on my part to shape it, to develop it. I spend my creativity making spreadsheets for work. I spend my creativity making silly voices when I am reading to Lilly. I spend my creativity cleaning the house. Those are all fine tasks, necessary tasks. But I am sitting there, pondering this...is that all I can do with my river? Is there more I can do? If so, what should it be?

As a teenager, I used to write poetry. All types of poetry. Sonnets, Haikus, iambic pentameter (I can't even remember what that means, but it was a tool for me when I wrote). Granted, the poetry was nothing spectacular, and I'd probably be too embarrassed to share it. And, quite honestly, I don't even know where it is anymore. But that was how I expressed myself. That is how I put into words the thoughts that were stirring in my head. How do I express myself now? Is it a color-coded spreadsheet listing revenues by department? Don't get me wrong, some of my spreadsheets are totally kick-ass, but is that it for me in terms of self-expression? Do I express myself by vacuuming under the couch? How do I get this energy out of my head?

I have seriously been thinking about writing a book. First, if I can write a really great book, I can make some money. Wouldn't that be great? To sit down, spend a year writing a book, and make a boatload of cash...doesn't that sound easy? I also want to write a book to complete my mom's legacy. She was always going to write a book, the "Great American Novel", she called it. She was a Thorn Birds junkie, and she wanted to write a love story about a priest. It makes me giggle a little bit, but it might make a really good storyline. I've been kicking around possible story lines, characters, and settings. I want to write something that is not cliche, hokey, corny, or mindless, but I also know that I am not a very good writer.

So, in pondering this idea, I have been wondering the million dollar question...where do I come up with the time to explore such a crazy dream? Last night, at that lecture, someone asked her if she writes every day. She said, yes, she tries to write every day, but there are times that she can't. "Happy obligations," she called them. Her children, her family, her bookstore pull her away from her writing. Leslie and I looked at each other immediately, we had just been discussing over supper how to balance our family life, our work, and our own self. How do we keep from losing ourselves in the midst of all of this hubbub? I maintain a position of good Catholic motherly martyrdom. I believe that if I give all I have to my family now, when they all leave, I will be able to explore my own interests, and I will have no regrets. I won't look back and feel like I didn't do enough for my kids. But Leslie brings up another point...if you put it all on hold, how do you even know what your interests are once you have the time to explore them? And I began to think from a different point of view...if you put your life on hold to nurture the lives of others, what if you don't make it to the "finish line"? What if your life is cut short before you are able to explore your dreams? Do I want my life to end feeling incomplete, feeling like there was more to me that was never explored?

Hmmmmm, good point. But how do you squeeze it in? Ms. Erdrich writes daily in a diary. She calls it a warm-up exercise and part of her "mulch pile" of words and ideas to draw from when writing a book. OK, I can do that. I have long thought about auditing courses at St. Kate's. As an alumni, I am able to audit one course per semester for the rest of my life. That means I can sit in the class, but I don't have to do the work, and I don't receive credit. But there are logistical reasons why that doesn't happen. Even if I took a night course, one night per week for about 15 weeks, I would have to drive 1.5 hours to sit in class. That one will truly need to wait. I don't have time for that. I know that I can continue to read. Explore literature. Read from the great authors. Challenge myself to read something that is complicated, difficult to understand. I need to continue to challenge my intellect. I can begin paying attention to things around me that I have written off as boring, too complicated.

These are all great ideas, but the call "Mom..."will keep pulling me away from them for the foreseeable future. Happy obligations.

Another year down...

On Monday, the 8th, we will mark the 11th anniversary of the day that mom died. Last year, I posted a monster-sized blog entry to get so many of my feelings about this out as well as to describe the events of the week that she died. This is important to me because as time goes on, the memories of that week become more faded. It was the most horrible week I have ever experienced, yet, I don't ever want to forget it. Strange, isn't it?

So, this year, I won't go on and on and on, other than to firmly reiterate how much I miss her and how I wish she were here. I just can't help but imagine how things could have been. How would my life be different if I had the one person in this world who not only believed in me (more than I believe in myself), but who had the courage to push me. So many people in this world tell you what you want to hear, but she would tell me what I need to hear.

There are many situations in my life now that I would give anything to hear what I need to hear from someone who only cares about me.

So, it sucks that she isn't here, and I am forced to try to find my own way.

Jess and I will be getting together on Monday for a fun day of shopping and lunch in honor of mom. I think that would make her so happy. I am so thankful for Jess, and am so very grateful that the past year has brought us closer together. We are determined not to mope and be miserable on the 8th, that is not what mom would want, nor is it what we would want. In years past, we would call each other with a little "mom-ism" or send each other flowers with a mom-ism on the card. They are always funny, and in a way, we poke a little fun at her, but that is how we make the day work for us. We try to make it fun. Because what other choice is there?

Last Friday, a 49-year old woman from our community died in a car accident. The accident happened about 5 minutes behind me, which kind of freaked me out. After mom's accident, I began to ponder the significance of a minute, or even a second. What if mom would have left five minutes earlier for work that day? What if she would have forgotten her purse, and had to run into the house before she left that morning. What if she would have driven 62 miles per hour instead of 58? I had my own thoughts that morning...what if I would have been held up for five minutes last Friday morning? It could have easily happened because I didn't need to be at work at any certain time. It was a scary thought.

Then, to see the community outpouring last week, to see all of the people who had connections with this family, it brought back so many memories of our own situation. I am certainly keeping their family in all of my thoughts and prayers.

So, that is that. Monday will be fun, and we will embark on our 12th year without mom here.

As far as the day to day events of the Holen house, there hasn't been too much going on lately. Lilly had her kindergarten open house this week, which is just crazy. I remember going to those with the boys, and the time between the open house and the first day of kindergarten seemed to go by so quickly. So, before I know it, I will have three kids in school.

Then, I have been thinking about our daycare plan. The kids will all go to daycare yet this summer, but by next summer, I am thinking about having the boys start to stay home a couple of days each week. This idea is so scary, I am very nervous to leave my kids home alone all day long. But they will be 10 and 11, so I think they will be ready. It will be nice to save that money, but it will sure be scary for me.

The boys have been doing well in school, there isn't much news to report on them. Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, will toss the ball to himself and then dazzle whoever is watching him with his fancy catches (and their instant replays :) ). He knows all there is to know about the NFL, all of the players for all of the teams and most of their numbers. It is crazy . Alex has been reading like crazy, and he is beginning to read the Harry Potter books. He and Ed have been busy each night playing video games...Alex is our gamer, for sure. I could take it or leave it, but it is nice that they spend that time together.

The kids are growing and changing so much right now, we are really on the verge of a whole new time in our lives.

Take a minute this week to let your loved ones know how much you appreciate them...

Bye.

The new year!

Happy 2010 to everyone! It has been quite a whirlwind of activity over the past two weeks or so. The holidays in the Holen house are kicked off by Lilly's birthday on the 21st. I took the 21st off (I usually work from home on Mondays, and got all of my work done Sunday night so I was FREE!!!). We went to the mall and finished up the Christmas shopping, went out for lunch, and went to see Princess and the Frog. That movie was super-cute...I think I loved it as much as Lil. We then came home and had cake and presents. She is so excited to be 5, and I am struggling just a bit with the fact that our baby is 5. She is turning into such a big girl, and while I love the little person she is turning out to be (for the most part...there is that strong-will that I am not always so fond of :), I miss her baby-ness so much. I think that is a natural hurdle that parents have to overcome when their youngest grows up. On one hand, I think that if I had just one more baby, I would be able to apply all I have learned with the first three kids, especially not to rush through it because it goes so fast. But, then, in another five years, here I would be, with aching arms, watching my baby grow up. I know another baby isn't the answer, and quite honestly, another baby would probably land me in the loony bin! I have my hands overflowing with life right now. Adding more would just not be a good idea.

So, anyway, she's five now...big stuff.

Then, we had Christmas. I was, at first, sad that the snow ruined our Christmas plans. On Christmas Eve, we usually go to the Konz (Ed's mom's family) get-together. The food there is fabuloso! I thought about that food all day on Christmas eve, only to decide that it wasn't safe to venture out in the quest for delicious food. On Christmas day, we have the Backes (my mom's family) get-together. I love those big family gatherings, where there is noise, people, and kids everywhere! So, I was disappointed that we weren't going to go.

But.....

I had THREE STRAIGHT DAYS where I did not leave the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND....I let the house stay messy! The kids and Ed and I played, watched movies, ate, and drank wine (Ed and I, not the kids). I did clean a bit the day after Christmas and actually dusted my bedroom! That is how much time I had!!!! It was so great, but left me wanting more. So, now I am planning to do nothing on my weekends from here on out for awhile. We had something going on at least one of the two days on the weekends since November 20. That is a lot of running around. But, aside from a birthday party we are hosting for Alex on the 10th, I have nothing on the calendar for any upcoming weekend.

So, Christmas was beautiful. It was very special to be able to spend it at home with the kids, and really felt like the way it should be.

Then, on the 30th, was Alex's 10th birthday. I took that day off from work as well, and we laid around all morning. Then, we all went out for lunch, to the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, and swimming at the AmericInn here in Cold Spring. Then home for supper with g-ma and g-pa Holen and cake/presents. It was such a busy day! So, all of the feelings I am having about Lilly turning 5, I am also having with Alex turning 10. These past 10 years have been probably the fastest of my life. Then, I think about how fast the next 10 years will go, and before I know it, I will have 2 kids in college!!! AAAHHHHH!!! How can that be?!?!? But, again, I love the person Alex has become. He is caring, thoughtful, and a little quirky. I see a lot of me in him (scary thought).

Then, we celebrated Christmas with the Holens over this past weekend.

So, here I am, at 1 am, updating my blog. There has been so much going on, tomorrow will be like a giant sigh of relief.

In addition to ruminating over how big my kids are getting, I am also setting my course for 2010. I have made several resolutions for the year, all of which really tie into the same common thread. Happiness...

The first resolution I have is to not allow stress to control my life. I am very susceptible to the force of stress, and over the past few months have allowed it to conquer me, and to rob me of my happiness. Stress pretty much renders me useless and makes me incredibly inattentive to the needs of others. So, while I have been feeling sad about how fast the kids are growing, I know the only true solution to that is to take each moment, one at a time, and deal with it effectively and thoroughly, so I can have no regrets. But, I must overcome the stress first. This will not be an easy job for me because all of the areas of my life spill over into each other. I often times thing that my life is like a big Thanksgiving dinner. It is robust, full, and very satisfying. But if you eat it day after day after day, it is just a little too much. My plate is full, and everything is running together. My work spills over into my home, my home spills over into work, and all of it affects my ability to take care of myself.

Soooo....resolution #1--beat the stress monster!

Resolution #2 has to do with weight loss. Yep. Again. I am not going into detail here because it is a broken record. But, I will try, and try hard. I am planning to reward myself with a little ink when I accomplish my goal. I am also planning to register for a few 5k's to force myself to train for something. I have a great motivator in my younger brother, Rick, (who is in fantastic shape), and he won't let me register for an event and not do it. So, there is no other choice but to do it.

Resolution #3--Not to measure myself against anyone else's measuring stick. I will not allow myself to feel badly about my accomplishments (or lack of them), my material possessions, or my appearance unless they do not meet my standards. I will not allow other people's standards of appearance, success, or accomplishment persuade me into feeling bad or into making choices I wouldn't otherwise make. I am done seeking approval. I am who I am, and I am incredibly blessed. I have decided where to pour my energy and my resources and I am going to give it all that I have. And I believe that I will reap rewards far greater than material possessions.

Resolution #4--get back in touch with me. This is really the ultimate goal, the combination of 1, 2, and 3. I know what kind of person I am, and I generally like that person. But the stress and busy-ness of life has begun to change that about me, and I don't like it. I am taking myself back, and am prepared to make any necessary changes in my life to accomplish that. So watch out world!!!!

Anyway, these are the thoughts coming out of my head at 1 am. A bit random, sort of rambling, but hey, if you didn't like it, you wouldn't be reading this :-)

BTW--I plan to mail out my Christmas cards sometime in the next week...I haven't forgotten!

Have a blessed and joyous 2010!!!!