Breaking the cycle of shame

OK, I'm going to get a little bit serious here, so watch out! Because I am all a-flustered tonight. I have recently become aware of some attitudes of people that I so vehemently disagree with, I simply cannot believe how some people actually think! This has to do with how we discuss sex, drinking, drug use and other related topics with our kids. I have been a mom for the past 11 years, and nothing has made my palms sweat more than the idea that I may have to have the "big talk" with my kids someday. For awhile, I thought I could maybe just get away with letting the school handle it. But, FOR ME (this is not a judgement, folks), it just felt like the easy way out. I believed, begrudgingly, however, that the news of the birds and the bees would be better tolerated and understood if it came from a parent. I have believed, ever since becoming a parent, that "if you make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal". So, with this mindset, I dutifully taught my kids the proper terminology for their body parts, I answer all of their questions about bodies, kissing, sex, breastfeeding, alcohol use, cigarette use, and drug use in an honest and frank manner. I don't push the topic. I don't bring it up randomly over dinner. But when they ask, they get an answer. I am not blushing, stammering, giggling, or beating around the bush. I have been talking with the boys about drinking, drugs, and smoking fairly regularly for the past 2 years. And I have discussed sex to the extent that I believe they can handle at their ages. I have discussed the importance of responsibility, self-respect, and respect for others, and this is the cornerstone of these discussions. I have been on the receiving end of a fair amount of grief for doing this. Why do I do this? Why is this so important to me? I know why, and I'll tell ya... Growing up, there were so many things that just weren't discussed. "If you come home drunk, you won't see outside of your bedroom walls for a month". Well, guess what I did...I found ways (unsafe ways, I might add) to come home drunk without getting caught (well, I did get caught a few times). "If you get pregnant, you're outta this house". So, I had no one to talk to about sex, birth control, etc. I am simply darn lucky I didn't get caught. And I had to go through some pretty uncomfortable stuff to take care of myself, to make sure I didn't become another statistic of teen pregnancy. Now, don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a supportive household, and had a close relationship with my mom. But there were things we JUST. DIDN'T. TALK. ABOUT. I have a fairly good head on my shoulders, so I was able to figure a lot of this stuff out on my own. I managed to graduate from high school as an honor student, graduate from college, get married, have babies 2.5 years after the ring was on the finger, have a clean criminal record, a clean driving record (except for that first pesky speeding ticket I got a month ago), a house, a job, etc. But, I don't want to put that burden on my kids. I don't want to leave them to "figure it out" at the tender age of 16. I don't want them to drive home with someone who was drinking, or drive themselves home, simply because they fear I will kill them if there is liquor on their breath. I don't want them to make choices involving sex that will result in a lifetime of undesired responsibility, simply because they didn't know any better. Now, I am certainly not advocating for permissiveness. However, I truly believe that the more I arm my kids with knowledge, true, honest knowledge, that isn't skewed by my own opinions or issues, I believe I am giving them a gift that will last a lifetime. So instead of asking me why, I ask why everyone seems to have such a hard time talking to their kids about this? I have a theory: My theory is shame. I think so many of us were raised to be ashamed of our bodies, we were raised to listen and don't ask questions. We were raised to believe that sex was bad, drinking was bad, drugs were bad. But did your parents take the time to tell you WHY? Because, here's the thing, all of the things we tell our kids are BAD, become awfully darn tempting during the rebellious teenage years. All of the shame that was heaped onto us, and was heaped onto our parents, and onto their parents....And I think there are an awful lot of grown-ups who are carrying around that shame, and passing it along to our kids. Who really WANTS to have the birds and the bees talk with their kids? Of course it's uncomfortable, of course it is awkward. But guess what? That cycle of shame is gonna stop with me. I refuse to pass that along to my kids. I realize that I am just at the very beginnings of some very challenging years in terms of child rearing. In two years, Alex will be a teenager, and there will be many, many difficult choices and situations that he, and then Cameron, and eventually Lilly, will have to face. And I am not preaching here that MY kids will never drink, have sex, get a girl pregnant, get pregnant or get involved with drugs. But I DO believe that I am setting them up to make safe choices for these very difficult situations that today's adolescents face. I am giving them the tools they will need, at an early age, to make decisions that they are comfortable and confident in. And for those who think that it is "sickening" or "gross", you can have your opinion, but you sure aren't going to change mine. Why do I do this? Because I love my kids. I love them more than I hate having the birds and the bees talk. I love them more than I want to turn a blind eye to the very real pressures of drug and alcohol use among teenagers. And I will love them, no matter what, whether they heed my words or not. I will be their safe place to land. Always and forever.

Ode to Mumford & Sons

A few months ago, my friend, Leslie, shared a CD with me that she thought I would like. It was the first CD by a band called Mumford and Sons. When I first listened to it, I thought it was good, yes, but it didn't strike me deeply. The more I listened, however, the more it resonated with me. The music itself is kind of a blend of bluegrass-y, folk-y, Irish-type music. The lyrics, however, are some of the most fantastic lyrics I have ever laid ears upon!

The band has pulled tidbits from Shakespeare and Steinbeck, smattered with all kinds of biblical and spiritual references. Listening to Mumford is like watching a treasure candle burn (remember the treasure candles of the mid-1990's?) Each time you listen, you stumble upon a lyrical treasure, something you had never heard before, or maybe you heard it, but never pondered it. There are layers upon layers of meaning, and so many possibilities for interpretation. Their music is truly art. I could listen to this CD over and over again, and I swear, never tire from it.

"Love, it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you; it will set you free"
"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears"
"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life"
"Stars, light your fires, these are my desires"
"The shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved, was the same that sent me into your arms"
"Death is at your doorstep; and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance"
"You have your choices; And these are what make men great; his ladder to the stars" (from Timshel, which is loaded with references from Steinbeck's East of Eden...very, very cool)
"Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown; I know you have felt much more love than you've shown"
"In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we will die; the way you invest your love, you invest your life"
"You were made to meet your maker"
"Your oppression reeks of your greed and disgrace; so one man has and another has not, how can you love what it is you have got? When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor; Liars and thieves; you don't know what is in store." (a la Grapes of Wrath)
"Seal my heart and break my pride; I've nowhere to stand, and now I've nowhere to hide; align my heart, my body, my mind; to face what I've got and do my time"
"On my knees and out of luck, I look up"
"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears; And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears; Get over your hill and you'll see, what you find there; With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"

Some of my favorite lines...

I can't imagine having this level of creativity...these are gifted songwriters and performers, and I'm sure we will be hearing lots more from this band.

This music has been such a gift to me. I truly love music, but have been having a hard time finding music that makes me feel. And that is what I have always loved about music. I love how it can move me, make me think. This music does just that. It seems to be the perfect fit for me and where I am at in my life. Thanks, Leslie, for the CD!

This is some good, good stuff!

Can't

It is a four-letter word. A contraction. A combination of "can" and "not". I tell the kids I work with that it is a swear word to my ears. Yet, it is a word that rules our lives (not just mine, I hope).

I spent a good portion of my life fitting into the Robbie-shaped hole that I created for myself in this world. There are certain parts of my personality which are "me", parts of my personality which I fully embrace. I like sunshine and daisies, I like to laugh, talk, and have fun. I think about things (a lot, sometimes), and I feel like I am always pushing myself to something better. There are also parts of "me" that I have learned truly are a part of me, even if I wish they weren't. I like (love) (need) to be in control. My need to be in control can make me seem overbearing at times. I have paralyzing fear of the unknown. I try to resolve that fear by, well, being in control. I can be a bit impulsive. I also am not as empathetic as I wish I was. But, oh, well. These characteristics, the good and the bad, are all rolled up and make me who I am.

Then there are the parts of my life which are "not me". There are things I haven't done, things I haven't even tried, because they don't fit the construct of who I believe I am. I don't see myself as being or doing a certain thing, therefore, I have often refused to even try. I am not a runner. I am not an adventurous eater. I am not bold enough to speak up, especially if what I have to say isn't very nice. I am not bold enough to speak up in encouragement to others because I worry that it might just not be my place. I am not a leader. It isn't that I don't want to be some of these things, it is that I worried because I didn't think I could.

I have, at times, thought of myself as a paradox, because just when I think I am one way, I can find something to contradict that and I can see myself in a different way...i.e., leader vs. follower. How complex is that? If I can't even keep up with myself, how can anyone else???


Instead of trying to figure out the paradox (a losing battle), I am focusing on my "can'ts". I don't want to fit into the Robbie-sized hole if the borders consist of "can'ts". "I can't do ____, therefore I won't do____." That is no way to live.


This is one reason I began running. I have NEVER, EVER been a runner. To think of me being a "runner" was simply the most ridiculous, asinine thing I could think of. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, within my mental construct of myself which contains the descriptor "runner". Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And then, I stare down the barrel of my family history. Diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, cancer. Hmmmm. I step on the scale. What is my BMI??? Oh, good Lord, that isn't a real good number, is it?

Why can't I run? My legs work. Yes, they work. I can breathe. Sure, it is hard breathing when I am running (panting, at times). What do I need to run? Shoes. I have shoes. Pavement. Plenty all around me. A treadmill. In the basement. A gym membership. I have that too. So, why not?


Because I don't have time. Because I am tired. Because I want to watch this show, and I can always go tomorrow. Because it is hard. Bottom line: Because I don't want to. I am NOT a runner, folks. I am a COUCH POTATO, remember? Destined to be overweight, a sloth, with pre-diabetes knocking on my door in 15-20 short years. Have you ever believed such things about yourself? Have you ever become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I know that I have. I have lived every aspect of my life as I thought I would. And I know why....it is because I have felt as though I CAN'T do anything to change it.

Why not?

Now, please understand, just because I am taking "can't" out of the equation does not mean I am eliminating "won't". There are things I just simply won't do. Not because I CAN'T. I WON'T.


Skydiving--this is a won't. There are things that are simply too scary for me to be fun, and this is one of them. Perhaps if I am told I only have weeks to live, maybe I'll consider it, but not before then.

Eating Mayonnaise--big WON'T. It is nasty and gross, and it just might kill me.

Compromising my "me-ness" for acceptance--no way. WON'T do it. Tried it a few times, felt like a fakey-fakey and wasn't really accepted anyway. Waste of time.

Living with regrets--Nope, won't do that either. I can't go back and change anything about what happened in the past. I know that most often, I try to live in a way I can be proud of. Sure, I screw up sometimes, but I have determined that it is human nature to screw up, to be a jerk sometimes. Wasting precious energy trying to wish away my human nature is another waste of time.

And while we are on the topic...wasting time. I won't do that either. At this phase of my life, there is always something to do. If I waste my time, I will just have more to do. So, I figure, better get busy!

But I still have a lot of can'ts. I need to keep working on those. The can'ts limit us, they hold us back from reaching our goals.


Don't let can't rule.