What's wrong with the world

This is going to be one of my most pompous posts to date. I am getting on my high horse, and I am going to give my 2-cents on what is wrong with the world today. If I strike a nerve, I certainly don't mean to. I just have some thoughts that I would like to share with the world. They are arranged in order of self, family, world:

1. Food in boxes. If it comes out of a box, you probably shouldn't be eating it. 50 years ago, there were hardly any "convenience foods". If you wanted to make a meal, you bought your meat, your veggies, your spices, and you probably made your own bread. If you look at the "obesity epidemic" in our country, I can't help but wonder how much of this is attributed to convenience foods. I have started looking at people's shopping carts when I am in the grocery store. Not surprising, the people who are looking unhealthy have primarily convenience foods in their carts. I am not perfect in this arena, although I am trying, I really am. I try to make meals from scratch, make my own snacks and desserts (chocolate chip cookies every weekend--YUM), and I usually make a batch of bread each weekend as well.

2. No water. People aren't drinking water anymore. There are a lot of people whose "water" is a can of pop, juice, iced tea, etc. This kind of goes along the line of #1...if you can't pronounce the ingredients of a food or beverage, you probably shouldn't eat it or drink it. Pop is full of stuff I can't pronounce. It is addictive. I have learned that when I drink too much pop, I feel "sludgy" and hung over. Here, too, totally not perfect, but working at it.

3. No work. Now, we have all heard about the benefits of exercise. But do you wonder why generations before us weren't exercising in the same way we are supposed to be? Because they WORKED! In the days before automatic washers/dryers, laundry had to be washed BY HAND! And it took all day! Think of the calories you would expend in a day of hand-washing your laundry! Or the calories expended in a day of farm work. We need to get moving, somehow. We don't have to go to fancy gyms or buy all kinds of equipment for our houses. We just need to work. And, there is a lot to be said about working hard to achieve your goals...see next item.

4. Instant gratification. It seems like there is something wrong with want. So many of us get what we want when we want it, whether it be an article of clothing, a car, a house, furniture, etc. What are we teaching our kids about this? We are raising a generation of kids who are getting what they want when they want it. They aren't working for it, saving for it, and they certainly aren't getting denied. What kind of adults are they going to be? I am afraid that we will have a whole generation of people who can't deal with failure and who expect the world to be at their feet. Not to mention...look at the NEED in the world. The need people have for simple things, food, shelter, clothing. Let's teach our kids about need! Let's teach them about setting goals and priorities! Again, let's look at previous generations...I bet few of us can say that our parents or grandparents had 5000 square foot homes, two late-model cars, the newest and latest gadgets, and a closet full of clothes. Here, once again, so not there...I love my gadgets, especially. But, I think we need to examine more closely as a society what are "wants" and what are "needs".

5. When the going gets tough, we get outta here: If you are married, you got married (hopefully) because you were crazy about the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Well, guess what? It isn't all sunshine, daisies, and Looooove. People grow, they modify their behaviors, and life happens. It affects each of us differently. There are times that we are in sync with each other, and times we are on different planets. Same with kids...You start your parenting journey helplessly in love with this tiny infant. But, over time, this tiny infant becomes a person all their own. You will see eye to eye, sometimes, and other times, not so much. Too many people are afraid of these conflicts, and either physically leave when things get rough, or "leave" in other ways. They "leave" by no longer communicating, or by giving in all the time. They "leave" by not fighting the battles that need to be fought to keep your marriage and family functioning and moving toward a goal of health and happiness for all.

6. A lack of diversity. I am not necessarily speaking of cultural or racial diversity. Rather the diversity of personalities, of strengths and of weaknesses. A prime example is what is happening in our schools. There is such emphasis on reading and math, much less on history, art, or science. We are putting kids into a mold, and if they don't fit, they are falling. When are we going to be able to recognize each person's strengths and weaknesses, capitalize on their strengths, to allow each person to access their full potential. I think the world would be a much better place if we were cultivating each individual's strengths and gifts from an early age, rather then separating them into the ones who fit the cookie cutter and the ones who don't (and what do we do with the ones who don't? Well, we throw our hands in the air!).

7. A loss of Community. In previous generations, communities took care of one another. You not only knew your neighbors, you borrowed sugar from them. You knew your neighbor's families, your kids played with their kids, and they rode their bikes all over God's creation, only having to come home at a predetermined hour. The entire community watched out for those kids, and they watched out for one another. We now live in these little bubbles, undisturbed, unperturbed, but we don't reach out and take care of each other. It wouldn't take much if we all did just a little.

Feel free to add to this list...what else could we do to make ourselves healthier/happier, our families stronger, our communities more vibrant? Let's make this world a better place!

It’s here

I used to listen to stories of parents who were shuffling their kids all over God’s creation for activities. 

I am now telling those stories.

It has been oh-so-long since I updated my poor blog.  But I have been BUSY! 

June/July:  Totally and completely consumed with baseball.  Alex played in one league which played Monday/Wednesday, and had three weekend tournaments.  Cameron played Sundays with three weekend scrimmages or tournaments.  It was SO.MUCH.FUN, and for the first time in my life, all of that hustle and bustle did not seem like drudgery to me.  Cameron is on a 10 and under team with a lot of his classmates.  It was fun to watch those boys work together and play together.  They will probably be together for a few years, so it will be really fun to watch them develop.  Alex was on a CS Little League team, one of 8 Cold Spring teams.  He had the good fortune of being on a pretty good team, and they made it all the way to the championship game for the league.  Sadly, they didn’t win, but the ride sure was fun!

August:  A few deep breaths after the running of baseball, but then we had our week of vacation at the cabin.  Ed’s uncle and aunt have a great cabin up near Erskine, MN (a 3 1/2 hour drive).  They let us stay there for a week, and boy, did we have FUN!  It was a great time for us to reconnect as a family, something we didn’t think we needed, but in retrospect, we sure did!  We played and ate and relaxed for one whole week!  The rest of August was busy with odds and ends.  Nothing big, but still busy.

September:  The end of an era!  We officially gave up our spots at our daycare.  Saying goodbye to Tracy, our daycare provider, was so, so hard.  She has taken care (and really, really good care, I might add) of our kids for 5 years.  It was hard for the kids, for me, and for Tracy.  Just one of those milestones that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but was such an eye opener to me of how fast this time is going!  And on that note, we now have a SIXTH grader, a FIFTH grader, and a FIRST grader!!!  Good Lord!  Alex is starting his “Rule the School” year at St. Boniface, and will head to middle school next year.  Wow.

So that was my last four months in a nutshell!  It is busy and crazy and never, ever boring.  The ride is wild, but I hope to stay on it as long as possible!

Musings upon turning 25, uh, I mean, 36.

36.  Holy smokes.  That is getting up there.  Rounding the corner to 40.  40?!?!?!  ME?!?!?!?!  It just doesn’t seem right.  I don’t feel one bit different (other than wiser, definitely wiser) than I felt 10 years ago.  My body feels the same, my spirit feels the same. I feel like, well, Me.  I feel like I really shouldn’t even be old enough to talk about 10 years ago, let alone, to have 10 years ago feel like it was yesterday.  But here I am, 36 years after the day I entered the world. 

Some things about me are so much the same as they were during my first few birthdays:  I love to gab, I love basking in the sunshine, I love kicking anyone’s butt at any type of board game, I love to be with the ones I love, I love random information that is unnecessarily stored at the top of my mind (think state capitals…).  Today, I sat on my log swing, under my favorite maple tree, with the sun in my face and the wind in my hair, and I was smitten.  That moment, that is just so, me. 

But there are things about me that I can see have developed (I won’t say ‘changed” because I would be admitting defeat on a 18-year argument between Ed and I):  I feel more comfortable with who I am, misgivings, faults, and all.  I used to be ashamed of my faults, wished I didn't have them, wished they weren’t a part of me.  But I have realized that people are peppered with strengths and weaknesses.  There are certain faults I have that I don’t think will change, so I have instead given the world a “love it or leave it” approach.  I used to think that the world would just fall into my lap, with everything I have ever wanted.  I know I work hard and that I am a good person, and a part of me believed (really, really believed) that because of those two things, that I would be set.  But now, I have determined the importance of setting priorities, and pouring my heart and soul into the things that really matter to ME, since I realized it is unrealistic for me to have it all.  In the past, I have held people to standards that they were possibly not aware of, and I would be disappointed over and over again because they didn’t live up to my expectations (which they knew nothing of).  I have since determined the importance of forgiveness, and try to not hold people to standards that they cannot or will not live up to (still working on this one).  I used to believe that my family, friends, my world of people would always be there for me, whenever I needed or wanted them.  Even if it would be three months (three years) before I spent time with them.  I have learned that NOW is the time to spend, because that person won’t always be there.  And my life has become richer (not busier) when I realized that. 

In the past 36 years, I have been on top of the world, at the bottom of the heap, and all places in between.  So, even though I am not thrilled to leave 35 behind (can’t I just stay there forever???), I face this new year of life with a soul at peace (mostly), a heart full of love, and a better recognition of who I really am.  And I kinda like myself :) What a good place to be!

To another 36 (and hopefully more than that) years!!!

Finally!

Finally, we had a weekend at home!  I don’t even know the last time that we had a weekend with no place to be, nothing going on.  It was so nice to just hang out here.  The weekend wasn’t completely without activity, Ed and I did run a 5k yesterday morning (Saturday), in the pouring rain!  Cameron did the 1k.  But we were out from about 9:15 until noon, and that was it.  Then, I got the house clean, laundry done, and then off to my Grandma’s for my weekly visit.  Today, I made an executive decision to skip church so we all could just be home in our PJ’s.  Bread was baked, brownies made, and I took time to cook a nice supper.  I played on my guitar so long, my fingertips feel funny as I’m typing, and I am starting a book.  This was a great weekend, the tail end of a great week!

The kids are preparing for their last week of school this week.  Hard to believe another school year has gone by.  I will now have a 6th grader, a 5th grader, and a 1st grader.  Holy cow!!!!  When did my babies get so big!?!?!?!  They have all had a pretty good school year. 

Alex ended strong this year, after having kind of a tough go of things the past few months.  We have figured out a few things that have helped him with his reading, and subsequently his math.  I am hoping to have him do a lot of reading this summer so that he can start 6th grade ready to roll.  Alex was in St. Boniface Baseball, which entailed of games on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:30, and practices on Wednesdays.  He also was on the speech team, with practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3:30-4:45.  And to top it off, he was still in choir.  April was so crazy, I didn’t know if I was comin’ or goin’ between getting him to all of his activities, managing my own work and household needs!  He had a pretty tough season for St. B’s, but the weather was often cold during the games, and he is a boy who does not like the cold!  This summer, Alex is playing on a travel baseball team, and they will play 2 nights a week and have a handful of tournaments on the weekends.

Cameron is winding down his fourth grade year.  He has not been in any spring activities (have to be in 5th grade for bball, and speech/choir…not his thing!).  He is playing on a travel ball team this summer as well.  They practice on Sunday nights, and will be having some scrimmages against other travel teams and he will be in a few tournaments, too.

Lilly is much the same.  She is looking forward to spending the summer at daycare with all of her friends.  She had a fantastic year at school, and I ‘m sure kindergarten will be something she will never forget.  She is reading so very well, spelling out many of her own words when writing, and is learning a little math, too!  She is still my cuddler and is a most fantastic helper around the house.

Hoping to get the garden in next weekend and some flowers planted..  Then it will really be summer around here!

Having it all

Seems like everyone wants to have it all.  A perfect life, filled with perfect people and perfect things.  Good health, happiness, people who love you, people who you love, well-behaved children who are kind and good, a beautiful home with Pottery Barn furniture (all matching, of course), a nice car, and all of the things you could ask for. 

But, does anyone really have it all?  There are a few, I bet.  I have encountered a few people who truly seem to have it all.  And when I see those people, it is hard to keep my pangs of envy quiet (why not me?  Why can’t I have it all?).  But then I try to remember that my lack of having it all is in part, a reflection on the choices I have made.  I chose to start my family when I was young (24 to be precise).  I was barely on my own two feet, let alone, to begin supporting two more feet!  I wouldn’t change it for the world, don’t get me wrong, But it came with a price.  I am a co-owner in my company, which is quite an investment.  So while other people are out buying furniture and grown-up toys, I am buying a business.  Not a bad deal, but it doesn’t provide me with the instant gratification I would like.  I choose to use my fun money to send my kids to a Catholic School because, as a product of Catholic Education, I feel that the outcome will be well worth it.

So, those are reasons why I don’t have it all.  And when I think about it that way, I can make peace with all I feel I am missing.  Because I wouldn’t choose it any other way.

I think a lot of people expect to have it all, regardless of the choices they make.  They forget that for every action, there is a reaction.  People feel entitled to luxuries that their choices have prevented them from having.  People feel entitled to have it all because their outward appearance is more important to them than their own internal satisfaction-meter.  I think that in this day and age, entitlement is running rampant in our society, and we are creating kids who believe they are entitled to all that the world has to offer.  There are kids who believe they deserve this-or-that simply because of who they are.  I fear what type of adults some of these kids will become.  (I could now step up onto my soapbox about parenting, but I will save that for another post).

So, in the meantime, I am truly finding a place of comfort in my own little world.  I have recognized how the choices I have made have prevented me from having it all RIGHT NOW (but I DO believe I will have it all, well maybe not ALL, but a lot more SOMEDAY).  I have also realized that instead of focusing on what I don’t have in my life, I am so much better off focusing on what I DO have.  I have a roof over my head, I have great kids (most of the time), I have a great marriage, a great job, great friends and family.  Who could ask for more???

Limits

Today, I spoke with a lady from the school on the phone. Lilly is a participant in an educational study, where they follow her academic development from k-5th grade. So twice a year, I am interviewed by a person. The interviews are quite in-depth, ranging from Lilly's academic performance, social-emotional development, our discipline strategy, my own mental health (yes, really), how much time each of us spends with her, etc. I was asked a question today that I am chewing on. She asked me if I have any physical or psychological issues that limit my ability to work. I did say "no", but it got me thinking about limits. I realized how fortunate I am to not be limited. I can work a FULL, 12-hour day (my Wednesdays, currently), busy with patient care--so I am on my feet much of the day. I can manage that busy day without going crazy (I do have a "mother's little helper", a 24 oz coffee at 2:30 in the afternoon on Wednesdays). I can come home and provide care to my kids. I can even muster up the energy to get a little exerise (only if I have to on Wednesdays...I generally exercise on Tuesday/Thursday). It isn't perfect. There are things I miss, but all in all, I am unlimited. And then I really began to think about how much I hate to be limited. I have always approached my life with a "why not?" instead of an "I can't". How hard would it be for me if I couldn't? And I don't just mean the big things that limit a person (being in a wheelchair, becoming ill, etc.). Even the little things: stress, anxiety, sadness, selfishness, irritability, insecurity. Those are limits too. And, as I compose that list, I know that some of those things limit me. I suppose they limit everyone to an extent. And, while I preach about this limitless glory out of one side of my mouth, out of the other side of my mouth, I realize it is important to know where my limits are. That is a very interesting paradox, don't you think? Perhaps the best thing I can do is recognize my limits, my boundaries, the lines that, if I cross them, what consequences will be had. Freedom within structure. I am believing more and more that we can each control our destiny. I believe more and more in self-fulfilling prophecies (I will never, I could never). I am working on eliminating the I can'ts, I won'ts to help me to live a life of freedom within my structure. I think this is what they mean when they say "life without limits". How lucky I am to be living that!!!

Breaking the cycle of shame

OK, I'm going to get a little bit serious here, so watch out! Because I am all a-flustered tonight. I have recently become aware of some attitudes of people that I so vehemently disagree with, I simply cannot believe how some people actually think! This has to do with how we discuss sex, drinking, drug use and other related topics with our kids. I have been a mom for the past 11 years, and nothing has made my palms sweat more than the idea that I may have to have the "big talk" with my kids someday. For awhile, I thought I could maybe just get away with letting the school handle it. But, FOR ME (this is not a judgement, folks), it just felt like the easy way out. I believed, begrudgingly, however, that the news of the birds and the bees would be better tolerated and understood if it came from a parent. I have believed, ever since becoming a parent, that "if you make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal". So, with this mindset, I dutifully taught my kids the proper terminology for their body parts, I answer all of their questions about bodies, kissing, sex, breastfeeding, alcohol use, cigarette use, and drug use in an honest and frank manner. I don't push the topic. I don't bring it up randomly over dinner. But when they ask, they get an answer. I am not blushing, stammering, giggling, or beating around the bush. I have been talking with the boys about drinking, drugs, and smoking fairly regularly for the past 2 years. And I have discussed sex to the extent that I believe they can handle at their ages. I have discussed the importance of responsibility, self-respect, and respect for others, and this is the cornerstone of these discussions. I have been on the receiving end of a fair amount of grief for doing this. Why do I do this? Why is this so important to me? I know why, and I'll tell ya... Growing up, there were so many things that just weren't discussed. "If you come home drunk, you won't see outside of your bedroom walls for a month". Well, guess what I did...I found ways (unsafe ways, I might add) to come home drunk without getting caught (well, I did get caught a few times). "If you get pregnant, you're outta this house". So, I had no one to talk to about sex, birth control, etc. I am simply darn lucky I didn't get caught. And I had to go through some pretty uncomfortable stuff to take care of myself, to make sure I didn't become another statistic of teen pregnancy. Now, don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a supportive household, and had a close relationship with my mom. But there were things we JUST. DIDN'T. TALK. ABOUT. I have a fairly good head on my shoulders, so I was able to figure a lot of this stuff out on my own. I managed to graduate from high school as an honor student, graduate from college, get married, have babies 2.5 years after the ring was on the finger, have a clean criminal record, a clean driving record (except for that first pesky speeding ticket I got a month ago), a house, a job, etc. But, I don't want to put that burden on my kids. I don't want to leave them to "figure it out" at the tender age of 16. I don't want them to drive home with someone who was drinking, or drive themselves home, simply because they fear I will kill them if there is liquor on their breath. I don't want them to make choices involving sex that will result in a lifetime of undesired responsibility, simply because they didn't know any better. Now, I am certainly not advocating for permissiveness. However, I truly believe that the more I arm my kids with knowledge, true, honest knowledge, that isn't skewed by my own opinions or issues, I believe I am giving them a gift that will last a lifetime. So instead of asking me why, I ask why everyone seems to have such a hard time talking to their kids about this? I have a theory: My theory is shame. I think so many of us were raised to be ashamed of our bodies, we were raised to listen and don't ask questions. We were raised to believe that sex was bad, drinking was bad, drugs were bad. But did your parents take the time to tell you WHY? Because, here's the thing, all of the things we tell our kids are BAD, become awfully darn tempting during the rebellious teenage years. All of the shame that was heaped onto us, and was heaped onto our parents, and onto their parents....And I think there are an awful lot of grown-ups who are carrying around that shame, and passing it along to our kids. Who really WANTS to have the birds and the bees talk with their kids? Of course it's uncomfortable, of course it is awkward. But guess what? That cycle of shame is gonna stop with me. I refuse to pass that along to my kids. I realize that I am just at the very beginnings of some very challenging years in terms of child rearing. In two years, Alex will be a teenager, and there will be many, many difficult choices and situations that he, and then Cameron, and eventually Lilly, will have to face. And I am not preaching here that MY kids will never drink, have sex, get a girl pregnant, get pregnant or get involved with drugs. But I DO believe that I am setting them up to make safe choices for these very difficult situations that today's adolescents face. I am giving them the tools they will need, at an early age, to make decisions that they are comfortable and confident in. And for those who think that it is "sickening" or "gross", you can have your opinion, but you sure aren't going to change mine. Why do I do this? Because I love my kids. I love them more than I hate having the birds and the bees talk. I love them more than I want to turn a blind eye to the very real pressures of drug and alcohol use among teenagers. And I will love them, no matter what, whether they heed my words or not. I will be their safe place to land. Always and forever.

Ode to Mumford & Sons

A few months ago, my friend, Leslie, shared a CD with me that she thought I would like. It was the first CD by a band called Mumford and Sons. When I first listened to it, I thought it was good, yes, but it didn't strike me deeply. The more I listened, however, the more it resonated with me. The music itself is kind of a blend of bluegrass-y, folk-y, Irish-type music. The lyrics, however, are some of the most fantastic lyrics I have ever laid ears upon!

The band has pulled tidbits from Shakespeare and Steinbeck, smattered with all kinds of biblical and spiritual references. Listening to Mumford is like watching a treasure candle burn (remember the treasure candles of the mid-1990's?) Each time you listen, you stumble upon a lyrical treasure, something you had never heard before, or maybe you heard it, but never pondered it. There are layers upon layers of meaning, and so many possibilities for interpretation. Their music is truly art. I could listen to this CD over and over again, and I swear, never tire from it.

"Love, it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you; it will set you free"
"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears"
"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life"
"Stars, light your fires, these are my desires"
"The shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved, was the same that sent me into your arms"
"Death is at your doorstep; and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance"
"You have your choices; And these are what make men great; his ladder to the stars" (from Timshel, which is loaded with references from Steinbeck's East of Eden...very, very cool)
"Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown; I know you have felt much more love than you've shown"
"In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we will die; the way you invest your love, you invest your life"
"You were made to meet your maker"
"Your oppression reeks of your greed and disgrace; so one man has and another has not, how can you love what it is you have got? When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor; Liars and thieves; you don't know what is in store." (a la Grapes of Wrath)
"Seal my heart and break my pride; I've nowhere to stand, and now I've nowhere to hide; align my heart, my body, my mind; to face what I've got and do my time"
"On my knees and out of luck, I look up"
"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears; And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears; Get over your hill and you'll see, what you find there; With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"

Some of my favorite lines...

I can't imagine having this level of creativity...these are gifted songwriters and performers, and I'm sure we will be hearing lots more from this band.

This music has been such a gift to me. I truly love music, but have been having a hard time finding music that makes me feel. And that is what I have always loved about music. I love how it can move me, make me think. This music does just that. It seems to be the perfect fit for me and where I am at in my life. Thanks, Leslie, for the CD!

This is some good, good stuff!

Can't

It is a four-letter word. A contraction. A combination of "can" and "not". I tell the kids I work with that it is a swear word to my ears. Yet, it is a word that rules our lives (not just mine, I hope).

I spent a good portion of my life fitting into the Robbie-shaped hole that I created for myself in this world. There are certain parts of my personality which are "me", parts of my personality which I fully embrace. I like sunshine and daisies, I like to laugh, talk, and have fun. I think about things (a lot, sometimes), and I feel like I am always pushing myself to something better. There are also parts of "me" that I have learned truly are a part of me, even if I wish they weren't. I like (love) (need) to be in control. My need to be in control can make me seem overbearing at times. I have paralyzing fear of the unknown. I try to resolve that fear by, well, being in control. I can be a bit impulsive. I also am not as empathetic as I wish I was. But, oh, well. These characteristics, the good and the bad, are all rolled up and make me who I am.

Then there are the parts of my life which are "not me". There are things I haven't done, things I haven't even tried, because they don't fit the construct of who I believe I am. I don't see myself as being or doing a certain thing, therefore, I have often refused to even try. I am not a runner. I am not an adventurous eater. I am not bold enough to speak up, especially if what I have to say isn't very nice. I am not bold enough to speak up in encouragement to others because I worry that it might just not be my place. I am not a leader. It isn't that I don't want to be some of these things, it is that I worried because I didn't think I could.

I have, at times, thought of myself as a paradox, because just when I think I am one way, I can find something to contradict that and I can see myself in a different way...i.e., leader vs. follower. How complex is that? If I can't even keep up with myself, how can anyone else???


Instead of trying to figure out the paradox (a losing battle), I am focusing on my "can'ts". I don't want to fit into the Robbie-sized hole if the borders consist of "can'ts". "I can't do ____, therefore I won't do____." That is no way to live.


This is one reason I began running. I have NEVER, EVER been a runner. To think of me being a "runner" was simply the most ridiculous, asinine thing I could think of. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, within my mental construct of myself which contains the descriptor "runner". Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And then, I stare down the barrel of my family history. Diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, cancer. Hmmmm. I step on the scale. What is my BMI??? Oh, good Lord, that isn't a real good number, is it?

Why can't I run? My legs work. Yes, they work. I can breathe. Sure, it is hard breathing when I am running (panting, at times). What do I need to run? Shoes. I have shoes. Pavement. Plenty all around me. A treadmill. In the basement. A gym membership. I have that too. So, why not?


Because I don't have time. Because I am tired. Because I want to watch this show, and I can always go tomorrow. Because it is hard. Bottom line: Because I don't want to. I am NOT a runner, folks. I am a COUCH POTATO, remember? Destined to be overweight, a sloth, with pre-diabetes knocking on my door in 15-20 short years. Have you ever believed such things about yourself? Have you ever become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I know that I have. I have lived every aspect of my life as I thought I would. And I know why....it is because I have felt as though I CAN'T do anything to change it.

Why not?

Now, please understand, just because I am taking "can't" out of the equation does not mean I am eliminating "won't". There are things I just simply won't do. Not because I CAN'T. I WON'T.


Skydiving--this is a won't. There are things that are simply too scary for me to be fun, and this is one of them. Perhaps if I am told I only have weeks to live, maybe I'll consider it, but not before then.

Eating Mayonnaise--big WON'T. It is nasty and gross, and it just might kill me.

Compromising my "me-ness" for acceptance--no way. WON'T do it. Tried it a few times, felt like a fakey-fakey and wasn't really accepted anyway. Waste of time.

Living with regrets--Nope, won't do that either. I can't go back and change anything about what happened in the past. I know that most often, I try to live in a way I can be proud of. Sure, I screw up sometimes, but I have determined that it is human nature to screw up, to be a jerk sometimes. Wasting precious energy trying to wish away my human nature is another waste of time.

And while we are on the topic...wasting time. I won't do that either. At this phase of my life, there is always something to do. If I waste my time, I will just have more to do. So, I figure, better get busy!

But I still have a lot of can'ts. I need to keep working on those. The can'ts limit us, they hold us back from reaching our goals.


Don't let can't rule.

Out of orbit

Yesterday marked 12 years of life without mom. There were e-mails, phone calls, and texts yesterday, among our family members touching base with each other, making sure everyone was having an OK day. "I love you's" were spoken, texted, or communicated in our own, "non-sappy" German-heritage way. I began to reflect upon how deep the loss of someone who was so central was, and continues to be, on so many people. I think of each of us as separate planets, and my mom was the sun. She was the force around which we rotated, she was the force that held our universe together. If you take the sun away, the planets have nothing to orient to, no central force to keep them organized and together. Each planet does what they must to survive, initially, but as time goes on, each planet does what they must to thrive again, even in the absence of their sun. But that takes time. It takes time to learn how to flourish again, how to truly live without your sun. But each year, on that one day, the planets reach toward the center, their hands brush against one another, and they remember. They remember life when their sun was there. They remember that each planet misses the sun for their own reasons, and they remember to reach out and care for one another, in the same way they did at the beginning. And that reaching toward the center makes the sun feel real again.


That is what yesterday did for me. There is something so incredibly bittersweet about February 8. Yes, it was absolutely the worst day of my life. I have never, ever (and God willing, will never again) experienced grief so raw, so deep, it was to. the. core. But February 8 is also a celebration. It is a day when she is at the front of my mind. It is a day to remember her, to honor her, and to reflect on the deep impact she had on my own life. It is a day to reach out and comfort the others who are missing her just as much as I am. It is a day to laugh, a day to feel joy, and it really is a day to celebrate. To celebrate her. To celebrate her life. To celebrate that I made it a whole 'nother year without her, and I did OK. To celebrate that I am one year closer to seeing her again (God willing, there, too :).

Disclaimer: the whole planet thing is a little hippy-dippy, but I just couldn't get that out of my mind. And it really does fit. She was the center of our lives. And we (immediate and extended family) have spent the past 12 years trying to figure out how to not just function, but flourish, without her.

Every year, as the 8th approaches, I feel a strange mix of dread and anticipation. Some years, I treat it almost as a birthday...if you know me, you know how much I love birthdays. I figure, the worst thing that has ever happened to me (God willing, it stays that way) happened to me on this date, I deserve a free pass every February 8 from here until I am gone. So, I pamper myself, treat myself.

This year, I did no such thing...

I woke up feeling more dread than anticipation, and the whole day was full of Murphy's Law-type experiences. At 8:00 am, as I am just arriving to work, the state department shows up for a routine survey of our home care business. Not a big deal, we are in compliance, but it is always one of those *Holy crap!* events. At 8:15, as I am bending down to retrieve some items out of my work bag, the underwire of my bra snaps. Grrreeeaaat. My favorite bra...At 9:00 am, I look at my schedule and realize that I will most likely have two patients at the same time come at 11, so I work with our (fantastic) administrative assistant, and she helps me get it squared away. However, one of the patients is IRATE! Oh, gee, super! I am giving up my lunch hour (when I was going to buy a new bra) to an irate patient...Can't wait! I then decide to log into my bank account to make sure all of the bills I set up on bill pay have gone through. Oh, they did, and the flex deposit I thought would go in on Tuesday wasn't there...so I had $.18 in my checking account. Great! Run to the bank (no new bra for me today) and throw some money in. I had a very busy, booked solid day at work, and at 3:00 pm, between patients, I use the restroom. As I am washing my hands, something catches my eye. Something gross, you know what I mean right?, is stuck inside my nostril. Oh, gee I wonder how long THAT has been there?!!!? How many patients and parents have seen me walkin' around today with a giant booger hanging out of my nose? I deal with one more somewhat angry parent, and the day is finally done.

I might stay in bed next year.

It wasn't a great day yesterday, but it did get to be kind of funny, and I imagined that my mom may have had a hand in it all. If she didn't orchestrate it, she sure would have been laughing her ass off at my expense!

In reflecting upon 12 years without her, I have come to a greater understanding of how her loss has impacted me, and I have also come to realize that there will forever be a part of me that lies empty. I used to compare her loss to a gaping wound. That wound will eventually form a scab. The scab will crack occasionally and bleed, but will finally heal. That wound will be pink, and it won't take much to make it bleed, but eventually, the tough skin will grow over it. The scar will always be there, but underneath, everything will be as it was.

I am finding that analogy to be false, at least for me. Instead, I feel that there is a big, empty hole in my heart. I have been waiting and waiting for it to be filled, and I try to fill it. I try to fill it with kids, work, you know, the busy-ness of daily life. But it is never filled. I think this year, I have come to terms with that notion, and I am pretty close to simply accepting that.

If you talk to people who have lost their mothers at a young age, it is a common thread. The sense of emptiness, the missing link in the chain. When you lose your mother when you are old, does it feel the same? Or is it somehow easier to accept because it is part of the natural cycle of life? Questions, questions, that I will never have the answers to.

Instead, I will choose to celebrate her.

AND wear a new bra, make sure I have money in the checkbook, and keep my nose clean :)

Holen News

My last few posts have been so dang deep, that I have neglected to keep up with the day to day happenings of each of us. There isn't much to report, seems like we are in a happily predictable state right now (I love predictability, consistency, nothing unexpected).

Alex is now a proud wearer of glasses. He just got his first pair last week, and he really likes wearing them. They help him quite a bit, too. I guess I didn't realize how much he needed them! He is doing pretty well in school, he has a fantastic teacher who really connects with Alex. That always makes things so much better! He is turning into quite a responsible kid and is showing a lot of independence. It is great to see him beginning to take care of himself without a lot of guidance from me. I love this age, it is probably my favorite age to parent...the teenage thing hasn't set in yet, but the intense, hands-on parenting is not necessary anymore. I love it!

Cameron is totally in love with WWE wrestling right now. The flames of his football passion last winter slowly faded over the summer, and I was gearing up for another winter of watching diving catches in "slow-mo" in the living room. But then Cameron discovered wrestling, and football was cast away like last night's supper. Not that wrestling is much better...I am frequently summoned to watch his "finishing move" on his big stuffed SpongeBob. He is so obsessed, in fact, that any question you ask him, the response will be some wrestling-related information. Cameron is doing well in school this year, too. He is very independent completing his homework, and I feel like a bit of a bad parent because I don't often know what he needs to do for homework, he just does it.

Lilly is totally in love with SCHOOL! She loves it all...the kids, the teacher, the learning, the painting, the projects, the free time, the rest time, the circle time, the writing, the reading, the lunch, the recess, the singing, the dancing...ALL OF IT! She was so excited to go back after Christmas vacation, and generally does not look forward to any days off from school. She does quite well in school, and catches on very quickly to all of the academics. She is sweet, as always, and very tender.

Ed is gearing up for tax season. Within the next two weeks or so, it will pretty much be full-speed ahead for a few months.

And I have been busy, as always. Working, taking care of the kids, house, etc. I have hopped back on the exercise wagon, after a three week break in December.

I guess that's it.

Resolutions

It is the first day of 2011. The sun is blazing forth a bright and deceiving light (It is freeeeeezing out today, single-digit temps with 20 mph winds). It has been a wonderful day around the Holen house, encompassed by activities we choose and enjoy. I would like to reflect on my resolutions for 2010, determine how I did on them, and set fort resolutions for 2011.

In 2010, I believe I had four resolutions, one being the obvious, lose weight, exercise, etc. I am happy to report that, for the most part, I have incorporated exercise into a part of my life, probably going only two or three weeks without exercise for the entire year!!! As a result, I have shed nearly 20 lbs. Other bonuses have been improved stress management, a happier demeanor, and overall, a better quality of life. Of course, it doesn't hurt that most of my exercise has been done with a partner, a good friend of mine who makes the time pass effortlessly. It doesn't feel like exercise, it feels like girl-time, which is just another added bonus.

I also vowed to not let stress control my life. At the beginning of 2010, I was stressed. The pressures of business ownership, three kids, a husband, and a sense of not feeling quite right were factors which led to a high amount of daily stress. While I still am (and probably always will be) susceptible to the forces of stress, I have discovered that EXERCISE (see above) is the KEY to helping me to manage it. It is as if the stress is contained within my sweat glands, and by producing sweat, I am shedding the stress. I know, it sounds weird, and to anyone reading this who is having a hard time motivating yourself to get some exercise, you are probably thinking "yeah, right." But it has been the key for me. During this past year, when I have gone long stretches (2 or 3 weeks) without exercise, I feel the stress noose tighten around me. So, all in all, I feel much better about the control I have over the stress monster as opposed to a year ago.

I set a goal of not measuring myself according to anyone else's standards other than my own. I have, at times, felt like a failure because of what I don't have. I don't have a great house, I don't take great vacations, and I don't have a lot of resources to do anything beyond the basics. And I have been upset by this in the past, because I have worried that people have judged me based on my possessions (or lack thereof). Throughout a process of growth over the year, I can honestly say, this is not an issue for me right now. I have determined that I have set my priorities on how and where my resources should go, and I am at peace with that. I also seemed to have rekindled some of my ingrained optimism (which was in short supply a year ago), and I truly do believe that, within my lifetime, I will achieve complete and total satisfaction with my possessions as well as with my intangible treasures. So, yep, I can say that resolution was met.

My fourth resolution was to get back in touch with me. I have gone in spurts where I have felt that the innate qualities that make "me" ME are lost. I feel that I am generally an optimistic, happy person. I love to busy myself with many activities that I enjoy. I love music, and have learned that without music, there is a part of my soul that is unfed. I also deeply love my family, and want to spend quality time with them. However, when I was stressed, worried, unhappy, I found I could not only meet their needs for quality time, but I was not fulfilled by the time I was spending with them. I can say, once again, that through a process that was only guided by time and reflection, that I have felt much more like myself than I have in awhile. I have reconciled the parts of my life that are not able to be changed, the parts of my life that were in the way of discovering ME, and while I am not all-the-way there, I feel so much more comfortable and confident with the person taking residence inside of this skin.

All in all, I am pretty satisfied with my progress towards my resolutions I set a year ago. I think there was a bit of "mid-life" crisis (I, hopefully, am not yet to mid-life), a point I reached where I felt disoriented, dissatisfied, and unsure of my destiny. And I think that some of that was just something that needed to work itself out. I re-set my priorities, set rules for myself, and determined that I have had some unresolved grief issues stemming from the loss of my mother, which were playing a factor in my overall state of being at the time. Simply determining that was instrumental in helping me to turn the corner. Sometimes just knowing, even though you can't change it, or really do anything about it, is really what it takes. I will say, as an aside, that my weekly visits with my grandma have helped this immensely, as she is a vital link to my mom. She and I have a similar relationship that my mom and I had, and I can say that our visits have been probably more of a favor to me than they have been to her! I am so very grateful for her, and she has certainly had a challenging 2010, and hopefully 2011 will have smoother sailing for her!

So, anyway, enough deep thoughts...On to the resolutions for 2011!

My first resolution is to use my snap fitness card 12 times each month for the year. After 12 visits, my health insurance kicks in a portion of my monthly fee, and while I have been just braggin' it up about how much I have exercised, I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I have only gone 12 visits/month twice in the past year. Part of this was because much of my exercise was done in the great outdoors, but to no avail...I must attend regularly! In conjunction with that resolution, I am hopeful to be another 20 lbs lighter by the time I am writing my resolutions for 2012!

My next resolution is a contrast from my resolutions of 2010, which were very focused on myself. I want to be a giver...a giver of my time, my resources, my love. It is time for me to keep up with the rules and priorities I have set for myself to keep me happy, but then to take that happiness and give it to others. I am hoping to be a more positive influence on the world. It can be simple, like walking through the grocery store with a smile on your face (I always marvel at those people), or more complicated, such as setting aside time each day/week/month to focus on spending time with those who are most important to me.

My third resolution is to learn to play guitar. I need to have some musical challenge in my life, and the piano (I play, not very well), is located in the living room. Because everyone is in the living room at all times of the day, if they are not sleeping, piano playing isn't usually very productive. So, time to learn a new skill!

Here's to you all, hoping you have many blessings, much happiness, and good health in this coming year!