It seems as though we women like to put ourselves through the wringer. It may be our insecurities, our self-righteousness, or our firm beliefs. But whatever it is, we sure like to cluck about other women who do or don't do things the way we think they should. This is mostly evident with the "working mom" vs. "at-home mom" cold war. As a member of the former team (The Working Moms), I have been on the receiving end of many a well-meaning (but, snide, I thought) comment, such as "How can you work?" or "I just couldn't do that to my kids".
Now, I didn't choose to be a working parent. It would have been completely impossible for me to be at home, unless we sold our house, car, etc. Not to mention the student loans I need to pay off! We don't live in an extravagant house, it is a small, boring, split-level, and I drive the same minivan I have driven for the past 10 years. So, I am not saying that I need to work so we can maintain some high-rollin' lifestyle. I need to work so I can provide for our family.
That being said, I enjoy my work incredibly, and I don't know that I could choose to stay at home entirely. I'm sure I'd get used to it, but I don't know that it would work for me. I don't know what kind of at-home mom I would be, but I suspect that I wouldn't be at my best for much of the time. In my perfect world, I would work 2-3 days per week. But, I can't, so I won't lament.
The point of this post, is that I read a wonderful article in Good Housekeeping which was written in 1960, 50 years ago, by a woman who is said to be the mother of the feminist movement of the 60's and 70's. Her article was questioning the status quo of the '50's in which women didn't have a choice to work or be at home. It was expected that the woman "celebrated her femininity" by maintaining her home, raising her children, and serving her husband (it didn't say it that way, but I couldn't help but interpret it that way). They printed several reader letters after that, 3 of 4 readers who were so relieved to see their very thoughts on paper...."There has to be more to life than this"...
And then it dawned on me: We, as women today, are so lucky because we have a choice. We are able to work if we choose to, and we are able to stay home if we choose to (and if we are able to). And it is because of the women before us...our mothers and our grandmothers who fought for us to have that choice. And that is what it is, a choice. It isn't right or wrong, it is just what works for each one of us. We don't all need to fit in this little can, this one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.
As a working mom, yes, I feel worried sometimes that I don't spend enough time with my kids. I cried the first few days I dropped each of my precious babies at daycare. But I have also reconciled that guilt within myself. It doesn't pay to sit around and feel guilty about it because I can't change it. I also see how my kids are growing up, and I see that they are good kids, they are good to each other, they are good to other people, and they are good to Ed and I. And, ultimately, that is my goal as a parent, to raise decent, good, kids so they become responsible, happy, and successful adults. I can see that they don't just need quantity, in terms of my time, but they need quality. That is how I balance it. I work hard to make the time I spend with them quality time.
And in the big picture of things, we need to quit beating each other up for the choices we as mothers make. Because it isn't the road that matters as much as the destination.
