Saturday morning, and no where to go today. I'd better enjoy it because we are starting our SPOT dance program in two weeks. Practices every Saturday from March 13 to the end of April. It is a sacrifice, and one that I thought long and hard about. I really enjoy my Saturday mornings, and if they are like today, they are very productive. But, I decided I could sacrifice six or seven of them in a year for the girls who look forward to dance every year.
So far, I have....
Laundry for the week almost done--including my bedding
Both bathrooms clean from top to bottom (minus the floors...I'll get to that soon)
My bedroom clean and dusted.
The living room cleaned, dusted, and partially vacuumed
All the bills are paid--did that last night
I love feeling on top of all of my responsibilities. It usually only lasts so long, and once things get busy, I tend to let things go a bit.
Nothin' better than a sunny Saturday morning.
News around the Holen house:
Ed has been quite busy with taxes this year. So far, he has done as many returns as he did all year last year. He is doing a good job of keeping up with it all, but I'm sure he is looking forward to April 15.
As a result, I have been pretty much a single mom. As hard as that sounds, it really hasn't been too bad. I have finally started to put my foot down with the kids as far as making them responsible for household tasks, which gives me a little more time to veg out on the couch and watch "mommy tv", a treasure for me, since I so infrequently get to watch what I like.
I have been working hard at working out, although I know I need to pick up the frequency a bit. I usually get to Snap about 3x.week, I'd like to bump it up to four, but it is hard to find the time and energy, especially since I can't usually go until 8:45 or so. I am training for a 5k, I suppose, and recently was able to run 1.1 miles without stopping. This is a huge accomplishment for me, since I have never been any good at running.
The kids are doing well, growing fast. I am trying to take more time for them, letting myself be in the moment with them. It is truly hard to balance it all. Alex continues to have a good year in school, although he has recently had some tummy troubles. I am thinking he has some type of virus, but he has been queasy almost all day long for the past two weeks or so. I think it is getting better, I haven't heard as many complaints. Usually, by suppertime, it seems to work itself out, but by morning, he is feeling yucky again.
Cameron is also doing well in school. He has been reading the "Henry Huggins" books by Beverly Cleary, and some of the Ramona books, too. I love that he enjoys these books, since these were my favorite books growing up. He reads like a madman, and when he is not reading, he is either asking to play Madden '10 on the Xbox or he is throwing his red football in the air, dazzling me with his diving catches. That boy has the football bug, and he has it bad.
Lilly continues to be growing and changing. She loves preschool, and is doing well with her letters. She is also turning into quite a reader, which is impressive, considering that she is not even in kindergarten. She can read much of "Hop on Pop", and works hard to sound out words. If the words sound the same way they look, she can read almost anything. She gets mixed up with the "th", "sh", "ch" and other combinations.
As for me, things have been OK. Work has been busy, but overall has been a bit better than it has been over the past six months or so. I am beginning to write in a journal, and have three books on my "to do" pile. I just need to keep working on balance, saying no, and recognizing my boundaries. Not an easy task when it seems as though everyone needs so much from me. But I'll keep working at it.
Have a great day~it is sunny and beautiful here today, it might get up to 35 degrees.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Happy obligations
Last night, I attended a lecture by Louise Erdrich, a favorite author of mine. She spoke about creativity. I first need to thank my friend Leslie, for the ticket. She works in the fine arts department at St. Ben's/St. John's, and was able to get tickets for those of us from book club who wanted to go. It was a very good evening, and one that will be the topic of this week's musing.
I generally don't think myself a creative person, at least not when it comes to anything visual. I can't draw, paint, or even decorate my home very well. I don't have a very good sense of style (I always wear solid pants/solid shirts, and only have a small pile of shoes to choose from). But I do feel the creative stream (Erdrich's words, not mine) flowing through me. I am imaginative.
I have always thought that I was an intelligent person. I always received good grades in high school and college, and had potential for better grades. But I never did more than what was required of me. I didn't actively seek out opportunities to expand my intelligence or creativity. As a child, I was a bookworm...I was always reading something. But, as a young adult, I pretty much stopped reading. And there were years, YEARS, let me tell you, that I never picked up a book. I don't know if it was information overload. As a college student taking a full load of credits, who really wants to sit down and read more, or attend more lectures? I just wanted to get done, get married, get a job, have babies, and live happily ever after.
And that is what I did.
And don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my life in which I am so incredibly satisfied. I realize how blessed I am. I have three beautiful, bright, healthy children, who generally don't try my patience too much (except when they are hyper, that really gets under my skin). But they are good kids, they try hard in school, they are good to other people, and they aren't punks (at least not yet). I have a wonderful husband. We have grown up together, and yet, he recognizes my need to be a separate person from him. He encourages me and supports me, and above all, loves me unconditionally. My work is immensely challenging, which is a double-edged sword. It can be both my blessing and my curse. I am working now on balancing the stressors of my job with the rewards, and am trying not to let my job consume me. Again, not sure if the job thing is a blessing or a curse, but regardless, I have a job that is diverse, challenging, and one where the sky is the limit, so I guess it falls more on the "blessing" end of the spectrum.
But when I look at that paragraph above, I see that all of my blessings are other people. I don't have a blessing that pertains to me.
At times, I feel as though something is missing. I feel like there is something in me which is uncultivated, untouched. Like an abandoned room in a house, where slipcovers protect the furniture from dust. Because I just don't quite feel like me.
As I'm listening to this woman, author of countless books and a literary genius, in my opinion, I realize that I have let my river of creativity flow without any intervention on my part to shape it, to develop it. I spend my creativity making spreadsheets for work. I spend my creativity making silly voices when I am reading to Lilly. I spend my creativity cleaning the house. Those are all fine tasks, necessary tasks. But I am sitting there, pondering this...is that all I can do with my river? Is there more I can do? If so, what should it be?
As a teenager, I used to write poetry. All types of poetry. Sonnets, Haikus, iambic pentameter (I can't even remember what that means, but it was a tool for me when I wrote). Granted, the poetry was nothing spectacular, and I'd probably be too embarrassed to share it. And, quite honestly, I don't even know where it is anymore. But that was how I expressed myself. That is how I put into words the thoughts that were stirring in my head. How do I express myself now? Is it a color-coded spreadsheet listing revenues by department? Don't get me wrong, some of my spreadsheets are totally kick-ass, but is that it for me in terms of self-expression? Do I express myself by vacuuming under the couch? How do I get this energy out of my head?
I have seriously been thinking about writing a book. First, if I can write a really great book, I can make some money. Wouldn't that be great? To sit down, spend a year writing a book, and make a boatload of cash...doesn't that sound easy? I also want to write a book to complete my mom's legacy. She was always going to write a book, the "Great American Novel", she called it. She was a Thorn Birds junkie, and she wanted to write a love story about a priest. It makes me giggle a little bit, but it might make a really good storyline. I've been kicking around possible story lines, characters, and settings. I want to write something that is not cliche, hokey, corny, or mindless, but I also know that I am not a very good writer.
So, in pondering this idea, I have been wondering the million dollar question...where do I come up with the time to explore such a crazy dream? Last night, at that lecture, someone asked her if she writes every day. She said, yes, she tries to write every day, but there are times that she can't. "Happy obligations," she called them. Her children, her family, her bookstore pull her away from her writing. Leslie and I looked at each other immediately, we had just been discussing over supper how to balance our family life, our work, and our own self. How do we keep from losing ourselves in the midst of all of this hubbub? I maintain a position of good Catholic motherly martyrdom. I believe that if I give all I have to my family now, when they all leave, I will be able to explore my own interests, and I will have no regrets. I won't look back and feel like I didn't do enough for my kids. But Leslie brings up another point...if you put it all on hold, how do you even know what your interests are once you have the time to explore them? And I began to think from a different point of view...if you put your life on hold to nurture the lives of others, what if you don't make it to the "finish line"? What if your life is cut short before you are able to explore your dreams? Do I want my life to end feeling incomplete, feeling like there was more to me that was never explored?
Hmmmmm, good point. But how do you squeeze it in? Ms. Erdrich writes daily in a diary. She calls it a warm-up exercise and part of her "mulch pile" of words and ideas to draw from when writing a book. OK, I can do that. I have long thought about auditing courses at St. Kate's. As an alumni, I am able to audit one course per semester for the rest of my life. That means I can sit in the class, but I don't have to do the work, and I don't receive credit. But there are logistical reasons why that doesn't happen. Even if I took a night course, one night per week for about 15 weeks, I would have to drive 1.5 hours to sit in class. That one will truly need to wait. I don't have time for that. I know that I can continue to read. Explore literature. Read from the great authors. Challenge myself to read something that is complicated, difficult to understand. I need to continue to challenge my intellect. I can begin paying attention to things around me that I have written off as boring, too complicated.
These are all great ideas, but the call "Mom..."will keep pulling me away from them for the foreseeable future. Happy obligations.
I generally don't think myself a creative person, at least not when it comes to anything visual. I can't draw, paint, or even decorate my home very well. I don't have a very good sense of style (I always wear solid pants/solid shirts, and only have a small pile of shoes to choose from). But I do feel the creative stream (Erdrich's words, not mine) flowing through me. I am imaginative.
I have always thought that I was an intelligent person. I always received good grades in high school and college, and had potential for better grades. But I never did more than what was required of me. I didn't actively seek out opportunities to expand my intelligence or creativity. As a child, I was a bookworm...I was always reading something. But, as a young adult, I pretty much stopped reading. And there were years, YEARS, let me tell you, that I never picked up a book. I don't know if it was information overload. As a college student taking a full load of credits, who really wants to sit down and read more, or attend more lectures? I just wanted to get done, get married, get a job, have babies, and live happily ever after.
And that is what I did.
And don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my life in which I am so incredibly satisfied. I realize how blessed I am. I have three beautiful, bright, healthy children, who generally don't try my patience too much (except when they are hyper, that really gets under my skin). But they are good kids, they try hard in school, they are good to other people, and they aren't punks (at least not yet). I have a wonderful husband. We have grown up together, and yet, he recognizes my need to be a separate person from him. He encourages me and supports me, and above all, loves me unconditionally. My work is immensely challenging, which is a double-edged sword. It can be both my blessing and my curse. I am working now on balancing the stressors of my job with the rewards, and am trying not to let my job consume me. Again, not sure if the job thing is a blessing or a curse, but regardless, I have a job that is diverse, challenging, and one where the sky is the limit, so I guess it falls more on the "blessing" end of the spectrum.
But when I look at that paragraph above, I see that all of my blessings are other people. I don't have a blessing that pertains to me.
At times, I feel as though something is missing. I feel like there is something in me which is uncultivated, untouched. Like an abandoned room in a house, where slipcovers protect the furniture from dust. Because I just don't quite feel like me.
As I'm listening to this woman, author of countless books and a literary genius, in my opinion, I realize that I have let my river of creativity flow without any intervention on my part to shape it, to develop it. I spend my creativity making spreadsheets for work. I spend my creativity making silly voices when I am reading to Lilly. I spend my creativity cleaning the house. Those are all fine tasks, necessary tasks. But I am sitting there, pondering this...is that all I can do with my river? Is there more I can do? If so, what should it be?
As a teenager, I used to write poetry. All types of poetry. Sonnets, Haikus, iambic pentameter (I can't even remember what that means, but it was a tool for me when I wrote). Granted, the poetry was nothing spectacular, and I'd probably be too embarrassed to share it. And, quite honestly, I don't even know where it is anymore. But that was how I expressed myself. That is how I put into words the thoughts that were stirring in my head. How do I express myself now? Is it a color-coded spreadsheet listing revenues by department? Don't get me wrong, some of my spreadsheets are totally kick-ass, but is that it for me in terms of self-expression? Do I express myself by vacuuming under the couch? How do I get this energy out of my head?
I have seriously been thinking about writing a book. First, if I can write a really great book, I can make some money. Wouldn't that be great? To sit down, spend a year writing a book, and make a boatload of cash...doesn't that sound easy? I also want to write a book to complete my mom's legacy. She was always going to write a book, the "Great American Novel", she called it. She was a Thorn Birds junkie, and she wanted to write a love story about a priest. It makes me giggle a little bit, but it might make a really good storyline. I've been kicking around possible story lines, characters, and settings. I want to write something that is not cliche, hokey, corny, or mindless, but I also know that I am not a very good writer.
So, in pondering this idea, I have been wondering the million dollar question...where do I come up with the time to explore such a crazy dream? Last night, at that lecture, someone asked her if she writes every day. She said, yes, she tries to write every day, but there are times that she can't. "Happy obligations," she called them. Her children, her family, her bookstore pull her away from her writing. Leslie and I looked at each other immediately, we had just been discussing over supper how to balance our family life, our work, and our own self. How do we keep from losing ourselves in the midst of all of this hubbub? I maintain a position of good Catholic motherly martyrdom. I believe that if I give all I have to my family now, when they all leave, I will be able to explore my own interests, and I will have no regrets. I won't look back and feel like I didn't do enough for my kids. But Leslie brings up another point...if you put it all on hold, how do you even know what your interests are once you have the time to explore them? And I began to think from a different point of view...if you put your life on hold to nurture the lives of others, what if you don't make it to the "finish line"? What if your life is cut short before you are able to explore your dreams? Do I want my life to end feeling incomplete, feeling like there was more to me that was never explored?
Hmmmmm, good point. But how do you squeeze it in? Ms. Erdrich writes daily in a diary. She calls it a warm-up exercise and part of her "mulch pile" of words and ideas to draw from when writing a book. OK, I can do that. I have long thought about auditing courses at St. Kate's. As an alumni, I am able to audit one course per semester for the rest of my life. That means I can sit in the class, but I don't have to do the work, and I don't receive credit. But there are logistical reasons why that doesn't happen. Even if I took a night course, one night per week for about 15 weeks, I would have to drive 1.5 hours to sit in class. That one will truly need to wait. I don't have time for that. I know that I can continue to read. Explore literature. Read from the great authors. Challenge myself to read something that is complicated, difficult to understand. I need to continue to challenge my intellect. I can begin paying attention to things around me that I have written off as boring, too complicated.
These are all great ideas, but the call "Mom..."will keep pulling me away from them for the foreseeable future. Happy obligations.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Another year down...
On Monday, the 8th, we will mark the 11th anniversary of the day that mom died. Last year, I posted a monster-sized blog entry to get so many of my feelings about this out as well as to describe the events of the week that she died. This is important to me because as time goes on, the memories of that week become more faded. It was the most horrible week I have ever experienced, yet, I don't ever want to forget it. Strange, isn't it?
So, this year, I won't go on and on and on, other than to firmly reiterate how much I miss her and how I wish she were here. I just can't help but imagine how things could have been. How would my life be different if I had the one person in this world who not only believed in me (more than I believe in myself), but who had the courage to push me. So many people in this world tell you what you want to hear, but she would tell me what I need to hear.
There are many situations in my life now that I would give anything to hear what I need to hear from someone who only cares about me.
So, it sucks that she isn't here, and I am forced to try to find my own way.
Jess and I will be getting together on Monday for a fun day of shopping and lunch in honor of mom. I think that would make her so happy. I am so thankful for Jess, and am so very grateful that the past year has brought us closer together. We are determined not to mope and be miserable on the 8th, that is not what mom would want, nor is it what we would want. In years past, we would call each other with a little "mom-ism" or send each other flowers with a mom-ism on the card. They are always funny, and in a way, we poke a little fun at her, but that is how we make the day work for us. We try to make it fun. Because what other choice is there?
Last Friday, a 49-year old woman from our community died in a car accident. The accident happened about 5 minutes behind me, which kind of freaked me out. After mom's accident, I began to ponder the significance of a minute, or even a second. What if mom would have left five minutes earlier for work that day? What if she would have forgotten her purse, and had to run into the house before she left that morning. What if she would have driven 62 miles per hour instead of 58? I had my own thoughts that morning...what if I would have been held up for five minutes last Friday morning? It could have easily happened because I didn't need to be at work at any certain time. It was a scary thought.
Then, to see the community outpouring last week, to see all of the people who had connections with this family, it brought back so many memories of our own situation. I am certainly keeping their family in all of my thoughts and prayers.
So, that is that. Monday will be fun, and we will embark on our 12th year without mom here.
As far as the day to day events of the Holen house, there hasn't been too much going on lately. Lilly had her kindergarten open house this week, which is just crazy. I remember going to those with the boys, and the time between the open house and the first day of kindergarten seemed to go by so quickly. So, before I know it, I will have three kids in school.
Then, I have been thinking about our daycare plan. The kids will all go to daycare yet this summer, but by next summer, I am thinking about having the boys start to stay home a couple of days each week. This idea is so scary, I am very nervous to leave my kids home alone all day long. But they will be 10 and 11, so I think they will be ready. It will be nice to save that money, but it will sure be scary for me.
The boys have been doing well in school, there isn't much news to report on them. Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, will toss the ball to himself and then dazzle whoever is watching him with his fancy catches (and their instant replays :) ). He knows all there is to know about the NFL, all of the players for all of the teams and most of their numbers. It is crazy . Alex has been reading like crazy, and he is beginning to read the Harry Potter books. He and Ed have been busy each night playing video games...Alex is our gamer, for sure. I could take it or leave it, but it is nice that they spend that time together.
The kids are growing and changing so much right now, we are really on the verge of a whole new time in our lives.
Take a minute this week to let your loved ones know how much you appreciate them...
Bye.
So, this year, I won't go on and on and on, other than to firmly reiterate how much I miss her and how I wish she were here. I just can't help but imagine how things could have been. How would my life be different if I had the one person in this world who not only believed in me (more than I believe in myself), but who had the courage to push me. So many people in this world tell you what you want to hear, but she would tell me what I need to hear.
There are many situations in my life now that I would give anything to hear what I need to hear from someone who only cares about me.
So, it sucks that she isn't here, and I am forced to try to find my own way.
Jess and I will be getting together on Monday for a fun day of shopping and lunch in honor of mom. I think that would make her so happy. I am so thankful for Jess, and am so very grateful that the past year has brought us closer together. We are determined not to mope and be miserable on the 8th, that is not what mom would want, nor is it what we would want. In years past, we would call each other with a little "mom-ism" or send each other flowers with a mom-ism on the card. They are always funny, and in a way, we poke a little fun at her, but that is how we make the day work for us. We try to make it fun. Because what other choice is there?
Last Friday, a 49-year old woman from our community died in a car accident. The accident happened about 5 minutes behind me, which kind of freaked me out. After mom's accident, I began to ponder the significance of a minute, or even a second. What if mom would have left five minutes earlier for work that day? What if she would have forgotten her purse, and had to run into the house before she left that morning. What if she would have driven 62 miles per hour instead of 58? I had my own thoughts that morning...what if I would have been held up for five minutes last Friday morning? It could have easily happened because I didn't need to be at work at any certain time. It was a scary thought.
Then, to see the community outpouring last week, to see all of the people who had connections with this family, it brought back so many memories of our own situation. I am certainly keeping their family in all of my thoughts and prayers.
So, that is that. Monday will be fun, and we will embark on our 12th year without mom here.
As far as the day to day events of the Holen house, there hasn't been too much going on lately. Lilly had her kindergarten open house this week, which is just crazy. I remember going to those with the boys, and the time between the open house and the first day of kindergarten seemed to go by so quickly. So, before I know it, I will have three kids in school.
Then, I have been thinking about our daycare plan. The kids will all go to daycare yet this summer, but by next summer, I am thinking about having the boys start to stay home a couple of days each week. This idea is so scary, I am very nervous to leave my kids home alone all day long. But they will be 10 and 11, so I think they will be ready. It will be nice to save that money, but it will sure be scary for me.
The boys have been doing well in school, there isn't much news to report on them. Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, will toss the ball to himself and then dazzle whoever is watching him with his fancy catches (and their instant replays :) ). He knows all there is to know about the NFL, all of the players for all of the teams and most of their numbers. It is crazy . Alex has been reading like crazy, and he is beginning to read the Harry Potter books. He and Ed have been busy each night playing video games...Alex is our gamer, for sure. I could take it or leave it, but it is nice that they spend that time together.
The kids are growing and changing so much right now, we are really on the verge of a whole new time in our lives.
Take a minute this week to let your loved ones know how much you appreciate them...
Bye.
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