Out of orbit

Yesterday marked 12 years of life without mom. There were e-mails, phone calls, and texts yesterday, among our family members touching base with each other, making sure everyone was having an OK day. "I love you's" were spoken, texted, or communicated in our own, "non-sappy" German-heritage way. I began to reflect upon how deep the loss of someone who was so central was, and continues to be, on so many people. I think of each of us as separate planets, and my mom was the sun. She was the force around which we rotated, she was the force that held our universe together. If you take the sun away, the planets have nothing to orient to, no central force to keep them organized and together. Each planet does what they must to survive, initially, but as time goes on, each planet does what they must to thrive again, even in the absence of their sun. But that takes time. It takes time to learn how to flourish again, how to truly live without your sun. But each year, on that one day, the planets reach toward the center, their hands brush against one another, and they remember. They remember life when their sun was there. They remember that each planet misses the sun for their own reasons, and they remember to reach out and care for one another, in the same way they did at the beginning. And that reaching toward the center makes the sun feel real again.


That is what yesterday did for me. There is something so incredibly bittersweet about February 8. Yes, it was absolutely the worst day of my life. I have never, ever (and God willing, will never again) experienced grief so raw, so deep, it was to. the. core. But February 8 is also a celebration. It is a day when she is at the front of my mind. It is a day to remember her, to honor her, and to reflect on the deep impact she had on my own life. It is a day to reach out and comfort the others who are missing her just as much as I am. It is a day to laugh, a day to feel joy, and it really is a day to celebrate. To celebrate her. To celebrate her life. To celebrate that I made it a whole 'nother year without her, and I did OK. To celebrate that I am one year closer to seeing her again (God willing, there, too :).

Disclaimer: the whole planet thing is a little hippy-dippy, but I just couldn't get that out of my mind. And it really does fit. She was the center of our lives. And we (immediate and extended family) have spent the past 12 years trying to figure out how to not just function, but flourish, without her.

Every year, as the 8th approaches, I feel a strange mix of dread and anticipation. Some years, I treat it almost as a birthday...if you know me, you know how much I love birthdays. I figure, the worst thing that has ever happened to me (God willing, it stays that way) happened to me on this date, I deserve a free pass every February 8 from here until I am gone. So, I pamper myself, treat myself.

This year, I did no such thing...

I woke up feeling more dread than anticipation, and the whole day was full of Murphy's Law-type experiences. At 8:00 am, as I am just arriving to work, the state department shows up for a routine survey of our home care business. Not a big deal, we are in compliance, but it is always one of those *Holy crap!* events. At 8:15, as I am bending down to retrieve some items out of my work bag, the underwire of my bra snaps. Grrreeeaaat. My favorite bra...At 9:00 am, I look at my schedule and realize that I will most likely have two patients at the same time come at 11, so I work with our (fantastic) administrative assistant, and she helps me get it squared away. However, one of the patients is IRATE! Oh, gee, super! I am giving up my lunch hour (when I was going to buy a new bra) to an irate patient...Can't wait! I then decide to log into my bank account to make sure all of the bills I set up on bill pay have gone through. Oh, they did, and the flex deposit I thought would go in on Tuesday wasn't there...so I had $.18 in my checking account. Great! Run to the bank (no new bra for me today) and throw some money in. I had a very busy, booked solid day at work, and at 3:00 pm, between patients, I use the restroom. As I am washing my hands, something catches my eye. Something gross, you know what I mean right?, is stuck inside my nostril. Oh, gee I wonder how long THAT has been there?!!!? How many patients and parents have seen me walkin' around today with a giant booger hanging out of my nose? I deal with one more somewhat angry parent, and the day is finally done.

I might stay in bed next year.

It wasn't a great day yesterday, but it did get to be kind of funny, and I imagined that my mom may have had a hand in it all. If she didn't orchestrate it, she sure would have been laughing her ass off at my expense!

In reflecting upon 12 years without her, I have come to a greater understanding of how her loss has impacted me, and I have also come to realize that there will forever be a part of me that lies empty. I used to compare her loss to a gaping wound. That wound will eventually form a scab. The scab will crack occasionally and bleed, but will finally heal. That wound will be pink, and it won't take much to make it bleed, but eventually, the tough skin will grow over it. The scar will always be there, but underneath, everything will be as it was.

I am finding that analogy to be false, at least for me. Instead, I feel that there is a big, empty hole in my heart. I have been waiting and waiting for it to be filled, and I try to fill it. I try to fill it with kids, work, you know, the busy-ness of daily life. But it is never filled. I think this year, I have come to terms with that notion, and I am pretty close to simply accepting that.

If you talk to people who have lost their mothers at a young age, it is a common thread. The sense of emptiness, the missing link in the chain. When you lose your mother when you are old, does it feel the same? Or is it somehow easier to accept because it is part of the natural cycle of life? Questions, questions, that I will never have the answers to.

Instead, I will choose to celebrate her.

AND wear a new bra, make sure I have money in the checkbook, and keep my nose clean :)

Holen News

My last few posts have been so dang deep, that I have neglected to keep up with the day to day happenings of each of us. There isn't much to report, seems like we are in a happily predictable state right now (I love predictability, consistency, nothing unexpected).

Alex is now a proud wearer of glasses. He just got his first pair last week, and he really likes wearing them. They help him quite a bit, too. I guess I didn't realize how much he needed them! He is doing pretty well in school, he has a fantastic teacher who really connects with Alex. That always makes things so much better! He is turning into quite a responsible kid and is showing a lot of independence. It is great to see him beginning to take care of himself without a lot of guidance from me. I love this age, it is probably my favorite age to parent...the teenage thing hasn't set in yet, but the intense, hands-on parenting is not necessary anymore. I love it!

Cameron is totally in love with WWE wrestling right now. The flames of his football passion last winter slowly faded over the summer, and I was gearing up for another winter of watching diving catches in "slow-mo" in the living room. But then Cameron discovered wrestling, and football was cast away like last night's supper. Not that wrestling is much better...I am frequently summoned to watch his "finishing move" on his big stuffed SpongeBob. He is so obsessed, in fact, that any question you ask him, the response will be some wrestling-related information. Cameron is doing well in school this year, too. He is very independent completing his homework, and I feel like a bit of a bad parent because I don't often know what he needs to do for homework, he just does it.

Lilly is totally in love with SCHOOL! She loves it all...the kids, the teacher, the learning, the painting, the projects, the free time, the rest time, the circle time, the writing, the reading, the lunch, the recess, the singing, the dancing...ALL OF IT! She was so excited to go back after Christmas vacation, and generally does not look forward to any days off from school. She does quite well in school, and catches on very quickly to all of the academics. She is sweet, as always, and very tender.

Ed is gearing up for tax season. Within the next two weeks or so, it will pretty much be full-speed ahead for a few months.

And I have been busy, as always. Working, taking care of the kids, house, etc. I have hopped back on the exercise wagon, after a three week break in December.

I guess that's it.

Resolutions

It is the first day of 2011. The sun is blazing forth a bright and deceiving light (It is freeeeeezing out today, single-digit temps with 20 mph winds). It has been a wonderful day around the Holen house, encompassed by activities we choose and enjoy. I would like to reflect on my resolutions for 2010, determine how I did on them, and set fort resolutions for 2011.

In 2010, I believe I had four resolutions, one being the obvious, lose weight, exercise, etc. I am happy to report that, for the most part, I have incorporated exercise into a part of my life, probably going only two or three weeks without exercise for the entire year!!! As a result, I have shed nearly 20 lbs. Other bonuses have been improved stress management, a happier demeanor, and overall, a better quality of life. Of course, it doesn't hurt that most of my exercise has been done with a partner, a good friend of mine who makes the time pass effortlessly. It doesn't feel like exercise, it feels like girl-time, which is just another added bonus.

I also vowed to not let stress control my life. At the beginning of 2010, I was stressed. The pressures of business ownership, three kids, a husband, and a sense of not feeling quite right were factors which led to a high amount of daily stress. While I still am (and probably always will be) susceptible to the forces of stress, I have discovered that EXERCISE (see above) is the KEY to helping me to manage it. It is as if the stress is contained within my sweat glands, and by producing sweat, I am shedding the stress. I know, it sounds weird, and to anyone reading this who is having a hard time motivating yourself to get some exercise, you are probably thinking "yeah, right." But it has been the key for me. During this past year, when I have gone long stretches (2 or 3 weeks) without exercise, I feel the stress noose tighten around me. So, all in all, I feel much better about the control I have over the stress monster as opposed to a year ago.

I set a goal of not measuring myself according to anyone else's standards other than my own. I have, at times, felt like a failure because of what I don't have. I don't have a great house, I don't take great vacations, and I don't have a lot of resources to do anything beyond the basics. And I have been upset by this in the past, because I have worried that people have judged me based on my possessions (or lack thereof). Throughout a process of growth over the year, I can honestly say, this is not an issue for me right now. I have determined that I have set my priorities on how and where my resources should go, and I am at peace with that. I also seemed to have rekindled some of my ingrained optimism (which was in short supply a year ago), and I truly do believe that, within my lifetime, I will achieve complete and total satisfaction with my possessions as well as with my intangible treasures. So, yep, I can say that resolution was met.

My fourth resolution was to get back in touch with me. I have gone in spurts where I have felt that the innate qualities that make "me" ME are lost. I feel that I am generally an optimistic, happy person. I love to busy myself with many activities that I enjoy. I love music, and have learned that without music, there is a part of my soul that is unfed. I also deeply love my family, and want to spend quality time with them. However, when I was stressed, worried, unhappy, I found I could not only meet their needs for quality time, but I was not fulfilled by the time I was spending with them. I can say, once again, that through a process that was only guided by time and reflection, that I have felt much more like myself than I have in awhile. I have reconciled the parts of my life that are not able to be changed, the parts of my life that were in the way of discovering ME, and while I am not all-the-way there, I feel so much more comfortable and confident with the person taking residence inside of this skin.

All in all, I am pretty satisfied with my progress towards my resolutions I set a year ago. I think there was a bit of "mid-life" crisis (I, hopefully, am not yet to mid-life), a point I reached where I felt disoriented, dissatisfied, and unsure of my destiny. And I think that some of that was just something that needed to work itself out. I re-set my priorities, set rules for myself, and determined that I have had some unresolved grief issues stemming from the loss of my mother, which were playing a factor in my overall state of being at the time. Simply determining that was instrumental in helping me to turn the corner. Sometimes just knowing, even though you can't change it, or really do anything about it, is really what it takes. I will say, as an aside, that my weekly visits with my grandma have helped this immensely, as she is a vital link to my mom. She and I have a similar relationship that my mom and I had, and I can say that our visits have been probably more of a favor to me than they have been to her! I am so very grateful for her, and she has certainly had a challenging 2010, and hopefully 2011 will have smoother sailing for her!

So, anyway, enough deep thoughts...On to the resolutions for 2011!

My first resolution is to use my snap fitness card 12 times each month for the year. After 12 visits, my health insurance kicks in a portion of my monthly fee, and while I have been just braggin' it up about how much I have exercised, I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I have only gone 12 visits/month twice in the past year. Part of this was because much of my exercise was done in the great outdoors, but to no avail...I must attend regularly! In conjunction with that resolution, I am hopeful to be another 20 lbs lighter by the time I am writing my resolutions for 2012!

My next resolution is a contrast from my resolutions of 2010, which were very focused on myself. I want to be a giver...a giver of my time, my resources, my love. It is time for me to keep up with the rules and priorities I have set for myself to keep me happy, but then to take that happiness and give it to others. I am hoping to be a more positive influence on the world. It can be simple, like walking through the grocery store with a smile on your face (I always marvel at those people), or more complicated, such as setting aside time each day/week/month to focus on spending time with those who are most important to me.

My third resolution is to learn to play guitar. I need to have some musical challenge in my life, and the piano (I play, not very well), is located in the living room. Because everyone is in the living room at all times of the day, if they are not sleeping, piano playing isn't usually very productive. So, time to learn a new skill!

Here's to you all, hoping you have many blessings, much happiness, and good health in this coming year!

The most wonderful time????

"It's the most wonderful time...of the year".


In my world, "It's the most mind-boggling time...of the year". OR "It's the most insane-and-crazy time....of the year". OR "It's the most bitterweet time...of the year".


The last two weeks of December are so incredibly full of activity at the Holen house. In previous years, I am quite certain I have posted a similar posting about how crazy this time is, with two kids' birthdays within 9 days of each other, one right before Christmas, and one right after. There are moments during these two weeks where the pure insanity of it all catches up to me, and I can feel my anxiety spiraling out of control. But, then, there are moments when I realize just how special this time of year is for me as well. I had two of the very best days of my life happen (birthdays) right around one of the best days in the whole year (Christmas).


Christmas, 1999:
Eight and a half months pregnant with my first baby. Due date: January 6 0r 9 2000. Everything had been going well with my pregnancy, with the exception of a bit of high blood pressure. I felt good, overall. A little huge, but good. Ed and I were living in our house in Becker, a perfect, brand-new house which felt like home. We had such a great, neat, and compact little life. We went to work, then came home and did....what did we do???? Well, whatever it was, I'm sure it was really fun and important. ***DISCLAIMER: This is not to insinuate that people who do not have children do not have fun or important lives...it is simply an honest reflection on the very fact that I truly have no idea what Ed and I did on a routine basis before we had kids. We didn't watch a lot of TV, I didn't read much at that point in my life, nor did I really have a hobby***We celebrated Christmas Eve at my dad's house, the first Christmas without my mom. I remember going up the stairs to use the bathroom as Jamie was coming down the stairs, and because my belly was so big, I bumped into him and fell down the stairs. I pretty much just slid down the stairs, but I have wondered if that didn't set things into motion. The next day, we celebrated Christmas with the Holen family, and used our NEW video camera! I hardly had any preggie pictures of myself, so it was neat to see the video. That evening, at the Backes (my mom's family) Christmas, my aunt told me I looked like I had five days left. Five days....oh, wishful thinking! At that point in time, I had 1.5 to 2 weeks left, and had no reason to think I would go early.


December 28, 1999
It was a Tuesday, and I worked until about 6:30 or 7. I work as an occupational therapist with children, and that evening, I remember working with a few kids who I lifted that evening. I remember thinking, "I maybe need to simmer down on the lifting, because I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it." I got home that night around 7:30, and sat with Ed and did, well, whatever it was we did in the evening before we had kids. I began not feeling well, and started vomiting. I was up almost the entire night throwing up. It was the only time in my life where I would take a tiny sip of water, only to have it come back out 10 minutes later. Sometime during the night, the contractions began...


December 29-30, 1999
Contractions intensified, and I went to the hospital twice, only to be sent home because I was in the "early" stages of labor. I labored all day at home (mind you, very little sleep the night before), and finally at 1 am my water broke. I labored all night and gave birth to little Alexander Andrew at 12:20 pm on December 30. Life would never be the same!

Fast-forward five years:



December 20, 2004
I went to work that morning, a Monday morning, so very miserable. My due date was tomorrow (12-21), and I had never gone to my due date before. My pregnancy was going well, other than being huge and miserable. I did have some minor tachycardia (racing heartbeat), which I was supposed to be taking medication for, but I wasn't overly compliant. I was so sure I would have had this baby over the weekend...my whole pregnancy, I thought the 17th or 18th would be the day. I began having irregular contractions on 12-15, and they would start and stop, start and stop. It felt like I would never, EVER have this baby! I didn't expect to be working that day, and I had everything done...all of my paperwork, all of my patients were being seen by someone else. There was no reason for me to be at work. Sigh. I left around noon, and walked around the mall...maybe walking will stimulate something. Nope. I went home. Ed was home with the boys, he was going to school at the time and was working evenings. So, we spent the afternoon together. By about 1:30, the contractions started again, only this time, they stuck around. We called the clinic and my Dr. could see me at 4:30. We dropped the kids off at Holen's, and were on our way. The contractions didn't let up, but my Dr. didn't want to admit me to the hospital just yet. We went back to the mall and walked around, and the contractions picked up in intensity while we were there, but by the time we got home, they slowed down. Frustrated, huge, miserable, I went to sleep.

December 21, 2004
I woke at 5:30 am, and the contractions were back. Intense. I got up and played computer solitare for awhile, and realized I was curling my toes during the contractions. At around 8, I woke Ed, and told him we should head for the hospital. He showered, and we were on our way. Long story short, after a perfect, non-complicated, and relatively easy labor, Lillian Diane arrived at 1:49 pm, right on her due date.



December 25, 2004
Christmas Day, our first Christmas with Lilly. The boys were so excited to open their gifts from Santa. I was so excited to be holding my daughter!


Well, maybe it really is the most wonderful time of the year!

Thankful

It is early on Thanksgiving morning, and I just want to reflect on all that I am truly thankful for this year.

I am thankful for...
The health and safety of my family

A husband who loves me, who laughs with me, and who is buckled in next to me on this crazy roller coaster ride

Kids who fill my heart to the brim with love, who make me laugh, and who (right now, anyway) are respectful, kind children.


My dad and step-mom, my brothers and sister, nephews and niece (and a ???? on the way--Jess will find out in a few weeks)


My mother and father in-law, my brothers and sisters in-law, and my nieces and nephews.

The people who are impacting the lives of my kids in a positive way (their teachers, Tracy-our daycare lady), because I do believe it really does take a village to raise a child.

The friends I have--my cheerleaders, my support.

Saturday nights with my grandma...I don't know if she understands that these visits are as meaningful and enjoyable to me as they are to her.

A job that appeals to every area of my crazy and intense brain

Co-workers and partners who not just put up with me, but who have given me the opportunity to grow as a professional.

The clients who I serve...thank you for letting me be a part of your story!

The heat blowing through the vent of my house right now. It is easy to get caught up in what you don't have, but remember that there are many in this world who had to sleep under the stars, in the cold, in the rain, snow, heat, bugs, etc. I am very, very lucky to have a roof over my head.

The groceries in my pantry and fridge

That I can have clean clothes that smell good whenever I want

For the people who have taken the time to impart their wisdom to me. We all need a guiding hand, and wisdom does not fall on deaf ears with me

For the opportunities I have had to educate myself and to choose a career that fulfills me

For the diligence and support I have had to pursue regular exercise---not only does it help me manage my stress, but I have lost almost 20 lbs in the process!!! I couldn't do this without my workout buddy, for whom I am also thankful for

For a sense of humor

For the delicate balance of life...sometimes I am amazed by the idea that every creature on this earth plays a role, and that without each one, that the world would be out of whack.

For the One who makes all of these things possible

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Lucky

This weekend, I saw:
My niece and God-daughter, Adella
My aunt and uncle, Honey and Steve
My dad and stepmom, Jack and Linda
A whole bunch of Backes family--aunts, uncles, cousins
My brother, Jamie
My aunt and uncle, Tom and LaDonna
Old friends
My kids
And, of course, Ed (but barely, because he was on his hunting weekend)

There are plenty of people who I didn't see this weekend like:
My Grandma
My sister, Jess, and brother, Rick
My in-laws
My gal pals.

This weekend was so full of family and friends, it was a bit overwhelming. But, as I sit here and reflect upon it, I realize how lucky and truly blessed I am to have all of these people in my life.

I like the saying "We may not have it together, but together we have it all", because that is what really describes where I am at in life right now. I have felt unsettled, like my life is not complete, that something is missing. I have felt disappointed in myself because I have felt like I wasn't where I thought I would be by age 35. I don't have the goods I thought I would have by 35. I don't have the stress-free life I thought I would have by 35. My life is not set, as I thought it would be by 35. But look at what I have...I am really, really lucky. Because my "people" are far more important than anything, and they are what give my life meaning, satisfaction, and joy.

It has been a difficult week. My aunt, Janet, my dad's sister, is dying after a 6-month battle with pancreatic cancer. She has lived alone, out in Oregon, for as long as I can remember, and my dad and other aunt plan to be there with her for her last days. Tonight, I attended a wake for a 33 year old guy who I knew growing up, who passed away on Thursday. As I was sitting through this wake, and hearing his friends and family, through tears, talk about what a great guy he was and what an impact he had on their lives. I realized how truly sad it was that he probably had no idea of the impact he did have. And I see how important it is to show those who you care about how much they have shaped you, how much they mean to you. I don't want to be standing at the podium, tearfully describing how much a loved one has meant to me, feeling regret because that person didn't know how much I cared.

It's a tall order, with a busy family and full-time job, to carve out the time for the people who mean so much to me. It takes effort, juggling, and a bit of finesse. But, I would take a weekend like this (with the exception of barely seeing Ed) 100 times over just to make sure I have done what I can to show my "people" how much they mean to me.

Holen News:

Ed went up to the cabin (waaay up north) for his hunting weekend. However, he didn't "catch" anything (my term for getting a deer). He has been super-busy at work, and is starting to feel a bit like drowning. It is too early in the year for this! His "quiet" time of year is from August-November, so October shouldn't be a time where he is drowning.

I have a new (used) van. My poor old van starting behaving scary-bad last week. The entire car shook in 2nd and 3rd gears. It only happened once, but it was enough for me to say, "OK, it is time". I have been driving that van since February, 2000. We bought it brand-spankin'-new and put on 217000 miles. At the time of it's demise, it started like a charm, ran great (except for that pesky transmission issue). But, the heat didn't work very well--the fan on 5 blew as hard as my new van on 2. The gas gauge didn't work, so I had to fill up after 400 miles because I would have no idea how much gas was left. The drivers' side radio speaker didn't work, so it was hard to hear the radio. It was dirty, inside and out, and starting to get rusty. I would have driven it longer, but the van had other plans. We bought a 2005 Chevy Uplander. There are many luxuries in that van, such as working heat and A/C, a smooth transmission, and a sweet stereo. I am very easy to please :)

The kids are well. Alex is have a good year so far in 5th grade. He has re-joined choir this year, and is playing football. Cameron is also having a good year-4th grade. He is also in football, and was so excited this week because he ran the mile in gym class and had the fastest time in his class. HE was beaming when he told me. So cute!

And Lilly...oh, man, does that girl LOVE school. We hear about kindergarten ALL. THE. TIME. From the moment I come home from work until the moment she goes to bed. It is all about her teacher, her friends, her songs, what everyone looks like, what they smell like, what color clothes they wear, what their voices sound like. Holy cow. I have never, EVER, had the boys tell me this much about school.

Well, that's probably enough for now.

The Mommy Wars

It seems as though we women like to put ourselves through the wringer. It may be our insecurities, our self-righteousness, or our firm beliefs. But whatever it is, we sure like to cluck about other women who do or don't do things the way we think they should. This is mostly evident with the "working mom" vs. "at-home mom" cold war. As a member of the former team (The Working Moms), I have been on the receiving end of many a well-meaning (but, snide, I thought) comment, such as "How can you work?" or "I just couldn't do that to my kids".

Now, I didn't choose to be a working parent. It would have been completely impossible for me to be at home, unless we sold our house, car, etc. Not to mention the student loans I need to pay off! We don't live in an extravagant house, it is a small, boring, split-level, and I drive the same minivan I have driven for the past 10 years. So, I am not saying that I need to work so we can maintain some high-rollin' lifestyle. I need to work so I can provide for our family.

That being said, I enjoy my work incredibly, and I don't know that I could choose to stay at home entirely. I'm sure I'd get used to it, but I don't know that it would work for me. I don't know what kind of at-home mom I would be, but I suspect that I wouldn't be at my best for much of the time. In my perfect world, I would work 2-3 days per week. But, I can't, so I won't lament.

The point of this post, is that I read a wonderful article in Good Housekeeping which was written in 1960, 50 years ago, by a woman who is said to be the mother of the feminist movement of the 60's and 70's. Her article was questioning the status quo of the '50's in which women didn't have a choice to work or be at home. It was expected that the woman "celebrated her femininity" by maintaining her home, raising her children, and serving her husband (it didn't say it that way, but I couldn't help but interpret it that way). They printed several reader letters after that, 3 of 4 readers who were so relieved to see their very thoughts on paper...."There has to be more to life than this"...

And then it dawned on me: We, as women today, are so lucky because we have a choice. We are able to work if we choose to, and we are able to stay home if we choose to (and if we are able to). And it is because of the women before us...our mothers and our grandmothers who fought for us to have that choice. And that is what it is, a choice. It isn't right or wrong, it is just what works for each one of us. We don't all need to fit in this little can, this one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

As a working mom, yes, I feel worried sometimes that I don't spend enough time with my kids. I cried the first few days I dropped each of my precious babies at daycare. But I have also reconciled that guilt within myself. It doesn't pay to sit around and feel guilty about it because I can't change it. I also see how my kids are growing up, and I see that they are good kids, they are good to each other, they are good to other people, and they are good to Ed and I. And, ultimately, that is my goal as a parent, to raise decent, good, kids so they become responsible, happy, and successful adults. I can see that they don't just need quantity, in terms of my time, but they need quality. That is how I balance it. I work hard to make the time I spend with them quality time.

And in the big picture of things, we need to quit beating each other up for the choices we as mothers make. Because it isn't the road that matters as much as the destination.