To know me is to love me

It has been a long time since I posted. Life has been super-busy, as it has been for most of us as we try to enjoy these short few months of summer. It has been so rainy and stormy over the past few weeks, it has not been easy to enjoy, as of yet, although the forecast looks good for the next week.

My thoughts running through my head today are those of other people in my life. I had such a wonderful weekend this weekend, with a family wedding on Friday night and a family reunion on Saturday. I love getting together with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and, of course, my grandma. I love catching up with them, hanging out with them, and just playing around. I love that I have this big, warm, chaotic extended family, and I understand just how truly blessed I am. In the midst of all of those warm feelings, I also feel frustrated. I feel that there are those in my life who should know me the best, who don't take the time to know me, to know who I really am, what I do, what my strengths are, my weaknesses, my accomplishments, my goals, and on and on and on. And I guess it really boils down to expectations that I have that are not being met. I know the solution is to just not have those expectations, but boy, that is tough to do. But, I really need to work on that, for my own happiness. But I see the wisdom in the words "to know me is to love me", because it really is true.

Enough of that. Time to let that negativity go.....

In Holen news:

The boys are really enjoying baseball this summer. Cameron is playing in the minor league (7, 8, and 9 year-olds), which is Monday and Wednesday at 6-7. Alex is playing in the major league (10, 11, and 12 year-olds) which is M and W from 7:15-8:30. So, we are busy those evenings, especially on Wednesdays, because I don't even get home from work until 5:30. So we are eating suppers of PB&J and popcorn on Wednesday evenings.

Lilly is enjoying summer, but is anxiously awaiting the start of kindergarten. Apparently there is "big kindergarten" which means that learning will happen, and "little kindergarten" which is free play. She is excited to ride the bus and eat lunch at school. Big stuff for a 5 year old!

We have had 2 weddings, 2 grad parties, and a family reunion, all within the past three weeks. On Wednesday after baseball, we will be heading up to Erskine to Ed's uncle's cabin for our annual 4th of July vacation. We are all so excited! There is just something about being up there, it is very relaxing. Even Lilly can't wait.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer!!!

Embracing 35?

That's me, 34 years ago. Celebrating my first birthday. Where the birthday love began.

Saturday, I will celebrate turning 35. I am not too sure how I feel about this. 35 seems so, well, mature, so grown-up. If there is one thing I don't feel, it is grown-up. And I can't seem to decide if that is a good or a bad thing.

When I was younger, when I imagined being 35, I envisioned that I would be set. Completely stable and in control of my life. Yeah. Not there yet...in fact, some days, I feel I have a long way to go.

It has been an interesting year for me this year. I have struggled with how fast it seems as though the kids are growing. I feel worried that I haven't given them enough. Enough time, enough attention....I think that I have struggled in the past with balancing my work-family situation, and over the past few months, I have begun to realize it. Knowing that it has been a problem is helping me to find solutions to the problem, which ultimately is leading me to spending more quality time with the kids. I am just so afraid of feeling regretful 15 years from now, wishing I would have done more, wishing I would have been more attentive, more present for them, instead of being distracted and stressed out. It is just so easy to get swept away in the demands of daily life, and before you know it, months have passed.

I am learning it takes considerable effort to keep my feet on the ground to avoid being caught up in the windstorm that is my life.

So that whole learning process has taken up the better part of my 35th year of life.

Consequently (and because of the windstorm), I am just not feeling the same unbridled excitement that I typically feel around my birthday. It all seems a bit dull this year. I am hoping that this quickly changes and I can get back to my obnoxious, attention-seeking self :)

In other Holen news...

Last Thursday was Lilly's last day of preschool. She had a fantastic year, and will miss preschool very much. She made many new friends (and boyfriends---seriously, what is up with this girl stuff?!?!?), and she was quite sad that preschool has ended. She will spend 4 days each week at daycare, and tomorrow, one of her very best friends who has been at Tracy's daycare for as long as we have (since Lilly was 2), will be spending her last day at Tracy's. I think this adjustment will be hard for Lilly, although there are two more best buddies there to keep her company until school starts. Lilly is anxiously awaiting the start of the school year when she can ride the bus and eat lunch at school (!!).

The boys had their last day of school today. They were both feeling happy/sad today. They each had a very good year, and were not necessarily super-excited to have the school year end. Once again, they brought home very good report cards, and were relieved to learn that they each passed their grade (despite being quite a good student, I always was a little nervous that I would find out by reading my report card that I was not moving forward to the next grade--so I can relate to the boys' relief). So, now, I have a 5th grader, a 4th grader, and a kindergartner. Holy cow!!!! All 3 in school! There are certainly some mixed emotions brewing.....

Well, I'm off to bed to read a few pages and catch some zzzz's. I guess I will do my best to embrace being a mature 35....what other choice do I have?

Googley Schmoogley

Lillian Diane Holen

AKA: Lilly, Lil, Lillers, Lillian D, Sweet Pea, Sweet Peadle, Peadle Deedle, Googey, Googley, Googley Bear, Googley Schmoogley, Googs, Googs Schmoogs.

Ever since I had kids, I worked a 4-day week. So, for the past 10 years, I have always had a child at home with me.

After Cameron went to kindergarten almost 4 years ago, I discovered the wonders of having just one child in my care, something not experienced since Alex was born (Alex and Cameron are 19 months apart....). I tried hard to enjoy those days with just one child, and as of this week, they are officially over. The boys will be home now each Monday until school starts, and once school starts, the Googley Bear will be in school too. Don't misunderstand, I enjoy having the boys home, and I know I will definitely get more accomplished because they will be home.

But it is the end of an era for me. The end of "special days" as Cameron called them, the year he was home with me when Alex was in kindergarten (Lilly was just a baby then, so Cameron got a lot of individual attention, too).

Last Monday, I made sure to play with her...we played a board game, Polly Pockets, and we did mani-pedis. We watched the "Sound of Musnic" (as she calls it), and I tried really hard to make it just a little more special than our regular special days.

The last picture I posted I snapped about five minutes before the boys came home from school...marking the end of this era for me.

It's bittersweet.

Back in the Saddle

WHEW!

It has been such a busy past few weeks/months, and now, since all of the activity has died down, I can begin to get back on track.

I am a person who likes to have a lot of things going on, it keeps me on my toes. But, quite honestly, I think I was a bit over-stretched during the past few months with all kinds of different things. I have been stressed out, over-busy, and a bit unfocused. I am SO looking forward to the next few weeks, since there isn't much going on, the weather is beautiful, and of course, there is my birthday (!!) which will be here before I know it.

A brief summary of what has been happening:

March--Dance begins--practice every Saturday morning. I then, usually, had things to do after dance practice, so generally, I didn't get home until later in the afternoon.

Not to mention, Ed being gone all the time for taxes.

Also, I helped arrange the food for the Boni Ball this year again, so lots of e-mails and phone calls to get ready for this.

May 1--Dance recital. This went so well this year, but that is a full day of activity. Lots of running around to pick up last-minute items.

May 2--Shower for Eva (Rick's wife) in Minnetonka

May 3--Work at home, Cameron home sick with stomach flu, I only had about 4 hours of sleep

May 4--just a normal day at work, Cameron still sick, but Ed stayed home with him

May 5--Workshop in Minneapolis--drove to and from

May 6--Workshop in Minneapolis--drove to and from. When I got home, I needed to pick up my dress from the seamstress who altered it.

May 7--Set up for Boni Ball (9-12), then to the cities for the wedding.

May 8--Wedding!!!!

May 9--Took the kids to the MOA for the morning, then finally home

May 10--Work from home, get a million loads of laundry done and try to get a grip on the housework around here.

May 11-present: Nothing too new going on, still trying to get my head on straight.

So, now, I am feeling like my head is almost on straight. I have the housework under control, almost have all of my paperwork at work under control. NOW, I can begin to move forward!!

Mothers' Day 2010

Mother's day is always a very special day for me. I get spoiled all day long! I am able to reflect on the impact my own mother has had on my life, and feel like part of "the club" of moms who get just one day each year to be honored for all that we do.

Here is my favorite picture of me and Lilly this weekend at Rick's wedding. And how fitting to get such a great mother-daughter picture just in time for Mothers' Day!

So, for as much as I would like to honor myself this Mothers' Day, I can't help but honor some very special moms.

Through my work, I encounter so many special moms. These moms, the moms to the kids who I have had the opportunity to be a part of their very special lives, these moms are some of the most remarkable ladies I have ever met.

This is a group to which I know I do not belong...there are things that these moms have had to deal with that I may never understand. But, I do recognize how special, how strong, and how fabulous these women are.

I found this passage on a site of a family who has a child with special needs, and from what I can see, this really does say it all for these ladies...

Why moms of kids with special needs are, well, special...

1. Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much, but we do do it all--and then some.

2. Because we discovered patience that we never knew we had.

3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times, or 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.

4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. Take THAT, naysaying doctors of the world.

5. Because we have bad days, breakdowns, and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.

6. Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, and the rude remarks (well, mostly gracefully).

7. Because we manage to get ourselves together and out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good!

8. Because we are strong. Man, are we strong! Who knew we could be this strong?!

9. Because we aren't just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches, and cheerleaders. Whew!

10. Because we work overtime every single day.

11. Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate, or Pirate's Booty, or gourmet cheese (which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities, but should be).

12. Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more.

13. Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our families. And, our hairstylists, of course.

14. Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.

15. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else--even if they can't talk; even if they can't gesture; even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.

16. Because we never stop pushing for our kids.

17. Because we never stop hoping for them, either.

18. Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal--even when it seems as though our heads or our hearts might explode.

19. Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids--not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.

To all moms...Happy Mothers' Day!!!!!!!!

Details

I am in one of those modes where I feel like I have too much on my plate. Everything I have going on will be intensifying over the next two weeks, then, BAM, it will all be over. I have my eyes on May 10, the first day without something going on.

Here's what I have...

Saturday-Our final dance performance. Since this is our fourth year doing this, I am hoping that it will run quite smoothly, and won't take up the mental and physical energy it has in the past. But, there are a lot of small details that I need to tend to (if you know me, you know how much I hate small details), and I get so nervous that I am going to forget something.

Friday, May 7- The Boni Ball...I have been on the food committee, and while I can't be present at the Boni Ball, I am not off the hook here. I have not gone to any meetings this year, which has helped me to balance things a bit better, but once again, I have small details to address (ordering plates, making sure the food order, drink order, etc) are accurate. Lots of phone calls...

Saturday, May 8- Rick (my brother's) wedding. This is going to be a lot of fun, and a really fun weekend, but I am a bridesmaid, and Lilly is a flower girl. So, again, details. I need to pick up my dress from the seamstress who is altering it, I need to get shoes, jewelry, and figure out how I am going to do my hair. I have to get Lilly's shoes and hair figured out, not to mention, making sure the boys have nice clothes to wear. Details, details, DETAILS!!!!!

As I get older, I am beginning to understand myself more, and I know that I am not meant for small details. I am a big thinker, global, one who comes up with the idea, but needs those detail people to carry it out. In a perfect Robbie world, there would be no details...I could simply think about it, and it would be done. But in the real world, the details are always pressing, and I can either avoid them-which could be disastrous, or I can continue to challenge myself to address these details.

But, man, I hate details.

Fear

"The only thing to fear...is fear itself". FDR

Fear is really something to be afraid of. I tend to worry...a lot...about things that are often-times out of my control. Or, I worry about anticipated events or stressors, and fear the fear that often accompanies them. It can be difficult to keep this fear in check at times.


Many times, fear, for me, is of the unknown. Things that I can't anticipate, things that I don't see coming, those kinds of things freak me out.

I have been feeling for the past few months that my life is missing something, is incomplete. It is a nagging feeling, like a quiet voice, whispering in my ear. The trouble is, I am afraid of change, and in order to listen to this nagging voice, changes will need to be made. So what to do? I am just trying to take things just one day at a time, and this seems to be working for me.

So here is the question...is fear enough of a reason to not make changes in your life? The answer is obvious, it is not. But, how many of us do not make changes in our lives because we are afraid? My assignment for myself is to overcome this fear, and do what I feel I need to do.

So, in other Holen news...

Tax season is finally over! Whew! So now, I am looking forward to having Ed home before 8:00 most nights. However, he is now, supposedly, quite behind at work, so he will be working later hours for the next few weeks to get caught up on things. So, it remains to be seen if he will actually be coming home at a reasonable time. Ed had a very good tax season, he did about 2x as many returns as he did last year. He also seemed to manage the work load quite well, better than he thought he would. So, all in all, it was a good tax season.

Alex is competing in the speech festival at his school on Saturday. He is doing a speech from a stand-up comedy routine by Brian Regan. It is very funny, and he generally has everyone in the room rolling with laughter. So I am excited to see him performing. Alex has always been just a little bit unlike other kids his age, which was a source of constant worry for me when he was younger. But now, I am beginning to see what Alex is able to do because he is unique. Getting up in front of people and delivering a funny speech without any stage fright is quite remarkable for a 10-year old boy. I am also hearing things from other people about the kind things that Alex does, such as hold doors open for adults, giving his chair to people, etc. He is a very thoughtful young man, and I am very proud of him!

Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, and now that the weather is nice, he constantly has grass stains on his jeans because of all of his diving and tackling. He will, occasionally, play a little baseball, but he insists that football is still his all-time favorite.

Lilly...Lilly. She is sitting right next to me jabbering my ear off. These Mondays, where I am working from home seem to be getting harder instead of easier, since she is constantly seeking my attention when she is the only one home. I am actually really looking forward to summer, since the boys will be home, and will be able to entertain her better than I can. She is winding down her preschool year, and will go to a 1/2 day of kindergarten to try it out and see what it is like. She is excited for kindergarten, but a little nervous, because she doesn't know how things will work. I keep telling her that she will figure it out, but that doesn't stop her from worrying about it.

Well, better run, the attention-seeker needs a little undivided attention!