Another year wiser??

I have really neglected my poor blog, and all of you who are hanging on the site waiting for the next bit of exciting Holen news (I am totally joking, I realize our lives are blessedly boring!!!). There hasn't been much happening around here. We had our dance recital on the 17th of May, and I have thoroughly enjoyed not having commitments each weekend. We have been spending lots of time at home during the weekends, which is great because we are so busy during the week.

Poor Ed has been working about 55-60 hours each week for the past several weeks. It is hard on us both, he doesn't come home many nights until the kids are in bed, I don't get a chance to get out for a walk, and he is tired. So, the weekends are great for us to just lay low and gear up for another busy week.

The boys finished school on the 3rd, and I was so pleased with their report cards! Alex made a lot of progress from last trimester, more than I would have expected! I was so proud of him, and he was so proud of himself, which was such a good feeling! Cameron, once again, had just a stellar report card. It was great to end the year on a high note, and we are all so glad it is summer! I haven't always looked forward to summer vacation, but as the boys get older, the demands of school increase, and I am as ready for a break from it as they are!

I was off on the 4th and 5th, just in time for my birthday! I am such a birthday hog...I love, love, love June 5! It was, as it frequently is, a beautiful day outside. However, I spent a good portion of my day trying to figure out my new phone. Boy that can be frustrating! Ed came home from work early (he only worked 7 hours that day---I love that 4:00 was "early"). He had a princess cake and gifts for me! What a great guy, although he just fed the birthday beast! He gave me a gardening bag with new gardening tools, a Snuggie (which I am happily wearing right now), and a new iPod!!! I have been wanting a new iPod for the past 2 years! Mine was pretty old, and was getting to the point where it would only play music for about 15 minutes on a full battery. It was a great birthday, and I just love Ed for making it special for me. He is a keeper!

Then, I went to Watkins to the cemetery to see Mom's grave. It is kind of a morbid thing to do on my birthday, but it has become a tradition for me to go there on my birthday. Once I had kids of my own, I realized how special the day they were born is. Those three days were THE happiest days of my life. And I know, now, how she felt the day I was born. I feel it is a day that she and I should share. Generally, I go in the morning before work, but because I was off, I slept in (until the kids got up at 8), and didn't want to take the kids with me.

It still is very sad for me, and it always hits home being there. I never know if I should sit, stand, talk out loud, meditate, or what I should do. I just sat and listened to the birds and the traffic and thought about her. I wonder what my life would be like if she were here. It almost seems the more time that passes, the more frustrated I become. Maybe I am tired of it. I realize how cheated I have been, and that stinks! So many women my age have their moms there to help them with the kids, to answer questions about parenting, and to be one of the closest friends they have. I don't have that, and I don't like it at all. Maybe I am entering the "anger" phase of grief. Finally...after a short ten years, I have finally emerged from denial (???).

No, I know I have worked through my grief and have moved through various stages of grief. But every now and then it slaps me in the face, and is a cruel reminder that it is still there. I think it will always be there, lingering in the shadows, and will rear its head every once in awhile. In a way, though, I don't mind taking the time to feel sad, I know, then, that I have not forgotten about her, I haven't "moved on" so far that I don't feel sadness anymore. And, it helps me to feel close to her.

Anyway...this is supposed to be about my birthday!!! Thanks to all for your birthday wishes (I know I forced you to begrudgingly attend to me on or around my birthday, but oh, well...)! I am happy to be another year older, although I have a sneaking suspicion that in a few years, I won't be so excited for my birthday...

Gonna hit the sack...Good night!

Control...what a beautiful thing

I seem to go in these spurts where my whole life feels like it is coming apart at the seams, I am moving from one fire to the next, not thinking about what I do next or what I did before. I am truly "in the moment" (Oprah would be so proud). I attribute it to the fact that there is just so much to attend to at every moment of the day. I love to live like this, it keeps me focused, it keeps me from "thinking" about things like...missing the kids when I am at work; will I ever be able to retire?; hmmm, I think we are just about out of groceries, etc. But, after so long, I begin to lose it. I feel like I have lost control in every area of my life. The ONLY thing to do is take it back. That is what I have done (plus having a little help with the calendar) this week.

On Monday, I spend 6+ hours doing paperwork. I have been so busy at work, and when you "live in the moment" (I am becoming an annoying "quote-user"), paperwork takes a big backseat because there is not a free minute to do it. Well, before I know it, my stack is huge! When I have a free half-hour, my stack is so big that I think I'll never make a dent in just 30 minutes...sooo, I'll just check my e-mail. I finally got the paperwork beast under control, and boy does it feel good!

On to the house...before Cameron's first communion, I had this place spotless. Well, I didn't really lift a finger since. So, because I have a wonderful husband who wouldn't let me lift a finger on Mothers' Day, I cleaned it Monday night. He and the kids tried...they really tried...to get the house clean on Mothers' Day, but I've got some pretty high standards that they just couldn't meet. But, I was so appreciative of their efforts! It is nice to be TOLD to lay on the couch and watch a movie. An aside...you know, after almost 12 years of marriage, 3 kids, countless stresses and ups and downs, I realize how lucky I am that we have reached this point, where we understand each other completely. He's a good guy, and I am lucky to have him! Anyway, long story short, I got the house in order too.

Then, the exercise. I have finally fallen into a nice routine of running about 3-4 times per week for almost 2 miles. I think the exercise is what is helping me to re-focus, tie up the loose ends, and finally come out of the fog. BUT, I have developed a pretty bad case of shin splints, and I am torn between working through it or resting. If I rest, will I lose my motivation? Will I fall back into the fog? I could try something low-impact, like biking (which I love), but I don't usually feel as worked as I do when I run. Any advice? I recently bought new shoes (Asics...I thought they were good, but I don't know if they are made specifically for running). I was going to try some arch supports. I think I am pronating my feet, putting stress on the muscles of my medial calf.

I am looking forward to the weekend, our dance recital!!!! Some years, by this time, I have just felt glad to get it over with. This year, though, I am so excited. I think this is our best year yet. Don't get me wrong, I will be breathing a sigh of relief on Sunday evening, when it is all over, but I just can't wait for the performance. I also have a meeting Thursday night, "book club" (aptly put in quotes because we often talk about everything but the book) Friday night, dance rehearsal Saturday, a birthday party for my nephew Nathan on Saturday, and the recital Sunday. So, busy, busy, busy. But next week....nothing. No meetings, no nothin.

The countdown is on...to MY BIRTHDAY!!! I am very excited for my birthday. For those who don't know, I love my birthday LIKE A KID! Because people know this, I usually get lots of attention on my special day, which, when you love your birthday like a kid, that's really what you want! I will be 34, and I am feeling pretty good about it. 33 was, all in all, a pretty good year. I am beginning to feel a little more on my feet, more confident, more competent, and just happier in general.

Anaway, such a busy post. I'm feeling great...feeling like I am finally getting some control over my life and hoping I can keep it for awhile.

Wow...

It has been quite some time since I last posted, I'm sure everyone has been anxiously awaiting the next exciting entry of mine where I rant on and on about how busy I am. Well, this one will be a little different, but not much. I will re-cap the past 3 weeks, as they have been very, very eventful.

First of all, the most shocking and difficult news we have had in a long time, Ed's brother-in-law was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident in April. He sustained a head injury and is continuing to recover at Regions hospital. It has been three weeks, and thankfully, it appears as though he will make a full recovery! It was very tense the first few days, as he was sedated, on a ventilator, etc, but he has made tremendous progress in the past two weeks with his therapy and it looks as though he will be going home in another week or two. In comparison to this, all of the busy-ness and activity of our lives here really seems so minor. We are all so grateful for his recovery thus far, and continue to hope and pray for that complete and full recovery.

During the week that he was most critically ill, we also did not have any daycare. Our daycare provider had viral pneumonia. Our backup daycare is Ed's mom, who was unavailable because she was in the cities. It involved a bit of juggling of our work schedules to take care of Lilly while the boys were in school. Thankfully, Honey (my aunt) was able to watch Lilly for us on Thursday and Friday that week. Thank you so much, Honey!!!

So, when last week rolled around (April27), I was very much looking forward to a week where things are back to normal. Well...didn't happen.

On Wednesday morning, I was up early to go for a run/walk to the end of our road and back, when I saw I had a voicemail. I had 2 messages, one at 2 am, and one at 5:30 am. Being the calm, rational person I am, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that someone was dead, because why else would anyone call me at 2 am. However, the person calling was a parent from school who I barely know. I checked the message, and it was instructions to activate our phone tree. Being on the Home and School board at St. Boniface, it is my responsibility to contact about 12 families if there is ever an emergency that would impact the school. We needed to activate the phone tree because of a suspected case of Swine Flu, letting parents know that school would be closed that day. Now, if you live in MN, you are well-aware of this as the media from all of the local TV stations set up camp here in town for a few days. The suspected case was at the Middle School, but St. Boniface elected to close because St. B shares facilities with the Middle School. So, there was no school W, TH, or F that week.

That is crazy enough, but our Boni-Ball, a fundraiser that we on the H&S board have been planning since the beginning of the year was scheduled for Friday, May 1, and Cameron's First Communion was scheduled for Sunday, May 3. I have known for the past 9 months that this particular weekend was going to be very busy, and I could not wait to put those events behind me. Well, now, there was discussion that both events may be cancelled because of the Swine Flu. So for 2 straight evenings, it seems as though I was constantly on the phone, trying to inform my families for the phone tree, discussing our options if we cancel the Boni-Ball, etc. In the end, both events went as planned.

So, Friday, May 1, I took the day off of work to set up for the Boni-Ball, worked until 1am, got up Saturday morning to clean up, and then get the house ready for Cameron's First Communion. It was busy, busy, busy, but everything went off without a hitch! Monday was a great day, as I was relieved to have those hurdles behind me!

This week was much more typical, but I wouldn't say it was calm. Between the level of busy-ness at work (which is a great thing, don't get me wrong), the need to more carefully manage the therapist's schedules because they are getting so full, the Monday night meeting I had, the Thursday night Happy Hour, etc., it was crazy, but at least there was no major drama (with the exception of Ed's car breaking down at work and having to shell out $250 to fix it...).

I am finally home, on a Saturday. The first Saturday since the beginning of March that I have been able to be home all day. We have had dance practice every Saturday, but there is no practice this week. Next week, we have practice on Saturday morning, and our recital is on Sunday. I am SO excited for the recital, I think this is our best year so far in terms of our readiness for the performance. We even have costumes this year! It really is a beautiful thing, watching these girls with all of their challenges up on stage performing. And even more precious, to me, is seeing the joy on the faces of their parents! It makes all of the effort and the Saturdays away worth every minute! If you are able to be there to watch, it is at the Sauk Rapids-Rice Middle School at 1 pm on Sunday, May 17.

Monday, May 18, I will officially be commitment-free. My term on the H&S board has ended, we have one final Boni-Ball meeting on May 14, and after the 17th, dance is over for another year. I am looking so forward to being home every night after work with no meetings, and I am looking forward to having Saturdays to be home again.

Here's to a nice quiet day at home today, and hopes for the next few weeks to be boring and dull!

Like sands through the hourglass

The intro to one of my all-time favorite shows, Days of Our Lives (which, incidentally, I no longer watch because it has really gotten bad....I've tried coming back to it a few times, but it never holds my attention for longer than a few weeks). My life feels like sands through the hourglass...one day flowing into the next, one week down, a weekend, another week, before I know it, a month has gone by. I just want to put on the brakes! I am, as always, very busy, and things are busy everywhere! Cameron has started up with karate for another six weeks, and that is on Tuesday nights at 6:00. Every other Tuesday, Alex has Boy Scouts at 6:30 or 7:00, and he has choir on Wednesday mornings. Not to mention being a mom who works, has to come home and make supper, help with homework, etc. I am trying not to complain, because this is the path I have chosen for myself, but I honestly need an extra hour or two in the day! Ed has been pretty busy with tax prep this year, although it is APRIL 16 (!!!!!) so it should be wrapping up (just a few odds and ends, yet), so he will--hopefully--provide some respite.

This is the first year that I am actually looking forward to summer vacation for the boys. I generally love the structure that school provides, I loved it when I was a kid, and still do. But it has been so demanding to try to stay on top of everything, to make sure the homework is not only done, but is done correctly, to do study guides when there are tests, to work on spelling words, and oh, don't forget the 20 minutes of reading every night. Our house feels like an army barrack, with every minute accounted for in the evening. Now that the weather is nice, the kids want to be outside, which is great, but it makes squeezing all of that stuff into the 2.5 hours we have in the evening before bed a bit tricky! I also never look forward to summer vacation because of the huge hit of full-time daycare for three kids (spendy, spendy, spendy). But, that money will be well worth it to not have to deal with the craziness of school!

Anyway, enough ranting! We have all been healthy and well during this spring, with the exception of one little cold virus that is making the rounds. Not sure if it is a cold or if it is allergies. We recently exhumed all of the totes from our crawl-space and converted the crawl space into a play area. It was a musty, dusty job, but so worth it to have a place for the kids to play. Our house is pretty small (about 1900 total square feet), and we don't have a play-room, so it is nice to have a little place for them (trust me, it is little).

I am getting ready for Cameron's first communion, which is on May 3. Hard to believe that our little guy is getting that big. I was pretty emotional during Alex's First Communion, so maybe this year it won't be so hard because I am now expecting it to be emotional. (I had a hard time with it because it was the first event for one of my children that really had nothing to do with me. He was there in his little suit, doing his thing, and I just sat back and watched--I wasn't prepared for that to hit me, but it did).

Well, that post was pretty boring, but there is nothing much to say. We are loving this weather--who doesn't??--and I am getting antsy to get out into the garden. I'm outta here...

A Reprieve

Today, our daycare is closed, so I stayed home with Lilly. After the past few weeks, a day off is just what I have needed! Things have been busy, no surprise there, but the past few days have been really crazy. Saturday, we had dance, and I had to get things organized after dance, so I was at work for 3 hours on Saturday. Our dance group is for children of all ability levels, so we have kids with very mild physical or cognitive disabilities all the way to children with severe impairments. I coordinate the program each year, and as it has grown, I have gotten by with less and less help, which is great that it can be run efficiently, but it can overwhelm me at times. So, practice was a bit crazy, and I was all flustered and over stimulated. But then, I thought about the performance, and how that is such a wonderful experience. It makes all of this work and craziness so worthwhile. If any of you can make it to the performance it will be on May 17 (Sunday) in Sauk Rapids. It is just the cutest thing in the world!

Then, yesterday, I worked until almost 1:00 at SPOT (I generally come home around noon and work from home), then had a meeting at the boys' school at 2:00, a Dr. appt in Monticello at 4:30, and Cameron had First Reconciliation at 7:00. Plus I had to make supper in there! Believe me, I had quite a bit to confess just for being such a grouch that afternoon :-).

I have been trying diligently to break my addiction to sugar, and was doing pretty well until today, when out of sheer boredom, I broke into a box of Girl Scout cookies. Shame, shame on me! I tell ya, if I didn't have a job that kept me running all day long, I think I would be one of those overweight people that they do a reality show on. I am planning to bike again this year in the Tour of Saints in July, and would like to get in shape to run a 5k, although I don't know if that will happen or not. But, the first order of business is to break this addiction I have going. I have done it successfully in the past, but it was a long 5-6 days to get there! Once I was over the hump, though, I found that I didn't ever crave sugar (chocolate, candy, ice cream, all that good stuff), nor did I want to eat those types of foods. Hopefully, my trip off the wagon won't set me too far back, I had done really well for the past three days.

I am hoping that the rain stops soon, especially for the people in the area of the Red River. Ed's uncle and aunt live near Grand Forks, and so I am hoping that they are ready for it. They don't live right near the river, but there is a tributary that runs near their property. In 1997, their barn and much of their land was flooded, but their house was OK. So, we are watching it and hoping for the best.

Hope to see the sun soon...gotta love March in MN!

Feeling Better

Wow, I was really miserable on Thursday night! It's amazing how getting my house clean and my paperwork under control can make a girl feel soooo much better! It has been a really busy last couple of weeks between work, activities, meetings, etc. It is one of those times where there seems to be just too many things going on, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with all of it. I get really unhappy when that happens (in case you haven't noticed...)

Things are going well around here, we are all awaiting better weather, and they are saying we will get it this weekend (50's and possibly 60's by Monday). I love this time of year, when the snow starts melting and we have those first, few, warm days. Those days feel like heaven, after being cooped up in the subzero weather for the past 3 months. It is like everything is fresh and new again. I am going to try to get out and walk every evening now that the weather is nice. I have packed on a few pounds over the winter (I really don't need to pack on any extra pounds...in fact I could stand to lose a few pounds!!). So, hopefully, with the weather warming up, I can get outside and burn it off before summer.

Ed has been busy with taxes, which is great for him, but it really leaves me in the driver's seat for everything else (house, kids, etc). That is also, probably, another reason why I feel like I am having a hard time keeping up. The extra income is nice, and it is needed for us, but oh, I will sure be glad when it is over!

The kids are doing well, Alex and Cameron are doing fine in school. Lilly is doing well, although she has lots of new and fun behaviors that are very annoying. She will dissolve into tears if I put her clothing on "too fast", if I tuck her in "too fast", or if I put her boots on "too fast". Last night, she was trying to put her PJ's on, and she was convinced they were upside-down because she was putting her head in the bottom of the shirt. It made perfect sense to her, but I could not convince her otherwise.

Alex has to bring pictures of each family member to school for a project, and boy, it was really tough to find actual pictures of everyone. Now that all of our pictures are on the computer, we really don't develop any of our pictures. And, of course, there are NO pictures of me, because I am always the one behind the camera. After much searching, I finally found a picture, taken in 2003, of me with Alex and Cam at the Wiggles concert. Now, that didn't seem like so long ago, but boy, I guess it was. I looked so much younger, and Alex and Cameron were practically babies! I wasn't even pregnant with Lilly yet. When I look back on the years when Alex and Cam were little, I remember how busy it was (they are 19 mos apart), how overwhelming it was, at times (Alex was a very challenging little guy), and I always say "I would NEVER do that again!". But, now, that those days are over, I can see there were plenty of happy days, and I wish I could plop those boys in my arms, sit one on each leg, and enjoy a Wiggles concert. I guess that is life, though...so I'd better get used to looking back at the good ol' days.

We are starting our adaptive dance program today, so I'd better get ready. I am excited to be starting dance again, it is such a wonderful experience for the dancers and their families. Lilly will be dancing again with everyone else, which I love. We don't have a lot of time in the evenings, so I am holding off on putting her into dance until she wants to go. But this is a nice opportunity for us, because I can have my daughter come with me every week and be involved. Then, it doesn't feel like work to me! And, I think it is great to involve my kids with the kids that have special needs so they can develop a healthy outlook on that population.

Anyway, I need to dash out of here ASAP...Better go!

The funk....

Uggghhhh...I have such a case of the funk! I am just so BLAH!! My house is a disaster, I am behind at work, I am behind on the kids' things, blah, blah, blah! I know I need to just pull it together, but I just can't seem to do it. I am going stir crazy, waiting for the weather to warm up just a tad so I can get out and exercise. My mind and body are going to hell, and I just need to get some exercise.

That's my rant for the day.