I have really neglected my poor blog, and all of you who are hanging on the site waiting for the next bit of exciting Holen news (I am totally joking, I realize our lives are blessedly boring!!!). There hasn't been much happening around here. We had our dance recital on the 17th of May, and I have thoroughly enjoyed not having commitments each weekend. We have been spending lots of time at home during the weekends, which is great because we are so busy during the week.
Poor Ed has been working about 55-60 hours each week for the past several weeks. It is hard on us both, he doesn't come home many nights until the kids are in bed, I don't get a chance to get out for a walk, and he is tired. So, the weekends are great for us to just lay low and gear up for another busy week.
The boys finished school on the 3rd, and I was so pleased with their report cards! Alex made a lot of progress from last trimester, more than I would have expected! I was so proud of him, and he was so proud of himself, which was such a good feeling! Cameron, once again, had just a stellar report card. It was great to end the year on a high note, and we are all so glad it is summer! I haven't always looked forward to summer vacation, but as the boys get older, the demands of school increase, and I am as ready for a break from it as they are!
I was off on the 4th and 5th, just in time for my birthday! I am such a birthday hog...I love, love, love June 5! It was, as it frequently is, a beautiful day outside. However, I spent a good portion of my day trying to figure out my new phone. Boy that can be frustrating! Ed came home from work early (he only worked 7 hours that day---I love that 4:00 was "early"). He had a princess cake and gifts for me! What a great guy, although he just fed the birthday beast! He gave me a gardening bag with new gardening tools, a Snuggie (which I am happily wearing right now), and a new iPod!!! I have been wanting a new iPod for the past 2 years! Mine was pretty old, and was getting to the point where it would only play music for about 15 minutes on a full battery. It was a great birthday, and I just love Ed for making it special for me. He is a keeper!
Then, I went to Watkins to the cemetery to see Mom's grave. It is kind of a morbid thing to do on my birthday, but it has become a tradition for me to go there on my birthday. Once I had kids of my own, I realized how special the day they were born is. Those three days were THE happiest days of my life. And I know, now, how she felt the day I was born. I feel it is a day that she and I should share. Generally, I go in the morning before work, but because I was off, I slept in (until the kids got up at 8), and didn't want to take the kids with me.
It still is very sad for me, and it always hits home being there. I never know if I should sit, stand, talk out loud, meditate, or what I should do. I just sat and listened to the birds and the traffic and thought about her. I wonder what my life would be like if she were here. It almost seems the more time that passes, the more frustrated I become. Maybe I am tired of it. I realize how cheated I have been, and that stinks! So many women my age have their moms there to help them with the kids, to answer questions about parenting, and to be one of the closest friends they have. I don't have that, and I don't like it at all. Maybe I am entering the "anger" phase of grief. Finally...after a short ten years, I have finally emerged from denial (???).
No, I know I have worked through my grief and have moved through various stages of grief. But every now and then it slaps me in the face, and is a cruel reminder that it is still there. I think it will always be there, lingering in the shadows, and will rear its head every once in awhile. In a way, though, I don't mind taking the time to feel sad, I know, then, that I have not forgotten about her, I haven't "moved on" so far that I don't feel sadness anymore. And, it helps me to feel close to her.
Anyway...this is supposed to be about my birthday!!! Thanks to all for your birthday wishes (I know I forced you to begrudgingly attend to me on or around my birthday, but oh, well...)! I am happy to be another year older, although I have a sneaking suspicion that in a few years, I won't be so excited for my birthday...
Gonna hit the sack...Good night!
No comments:
Post a Comment