All done

Yesterday ended our “whole food challenge” formally.  I baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies (with white flour) last night as a celebration for everyone.  This week went much more smoothly than last week, but we did “cheat” a little bit.  Anything I baked I used a mixture of white and whole wheat flour.  I was getting a lot of flack for the whole wheat around here, and decided that some whole wheat is better than no whole wheat. 

I also bought organic potato chips.  Truthfully, they have the same ingredients as Lays potato chips, but they felt better to buy because they were in the organic section.  Also, that simple fact has significantly reduced the speed of consumption.  Apparently, you have to want chips pretty bad to eat organic chips! 

The biggest news of the week was the addition of the ice cream maker.  After my last post where I painted a picture that was all hunky-dory, we had a whole-food meltdown (I had the meltdown), because I was tired of the complaining.  The solution?  Buy an ice cream maker!  We have been making our own, preservative-free,ice cream all week long, at a fraction of the price that we would have bought ice cream from Schwan’s, and this stuff is oh, so delicious!  This had everyone feeling better around the house this week!

The kids have been great this week, great behavior, good moods, etc.  Cameron and Lilly actually played together ALL EVENING last night and didn’t fight once.  This is huge! 

I have been talking with everyone about what changes do they feel we can permanently implement, and what changes have to go.  The only things they would “like” to get rid of were:  Brown rice (probably not going to happen), whole-wheat pancakes (maybe…), and Ed needs to have some type of flavored beverage, preferably caffeinated.  He is not a coffee drinker, so we are trying to figure out would be a good option that would provide flavor and caffeine. 

The bulk of the challenge fell on my shoulders.  I had to plan every meal (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), I had to buy the groceries, and prepare the food (most meals).  I guess the biggest question is can I continue to implement these changes?  With the positive changes I have seen over these past two weeks, I am going to do my best to stick with it.  I plan to completely eliminate all food dyes and high fructose corn syrup.  That much is for sure.  I also plan to buy more fruit, no chips (or few chips), and will only bake one batch of cookies per week.  I plan to buy only whole-wheat/whole grain bread.  The bakery here in Cold Spring makes a white/whole wheat mix that Ed can eat (he has resisted the whole wheat bread the most).  I also began buying milk and butter from the co-op country store here in Cold Spring.  It is from a local dairy.  The cost is the same (a nickel more for the milk), but the quality is out of this world…that butter is the most delicious butter I have ever eaten.

Even though we are “done”, we really aren’t done.  We will keep trucking and moving towards better health.  We might slip up every now and then, but this has been very eye opening for us.  And as time moved on, it truly did get much easier to adopt this lifestyle!  Thanks to all of you for your support, it really helped keep me on track

Into the groove

Things have settled down considerably for me since Thursday, thankfully, or we may have thrown in the towel!  There is not too much to report, except if I am going to continue to adopt these lifestyle changes, I am going to need to learn how to cook!  I made homemade pizza (whole wheat crust, organic pizza sauce, and farm-raised hamburger) on Friday night, thinking it would be a ‘treat’ of sorts for us since everyone has been so good and done so well. 

 

It tasted like cardboard.

 

The sauce was terrible…flavorless, and it soaked into the crust during baking, so it was almost as if there was no sauce at all.  And the crust?  About as yummy as you can imagine whole wheat crust to be.

 

Our challenge officially ends on Friday.  After Friday?  I’m not sure what we are going to do.  My plan is to talk with the kids and with Ed and decide which of these changes that we have made are things we can and should continue.  And which of these changes are things we just cannot do. 

 

I am open to cooking with white flour.  As mentioned in a previous post, I typically buy unbromated, unbleached, organic white flour, so as far as white flours go, it is probably the best.  I would like to resume my weekly chocolate chip cookie tradition, and outside of one or two questionable ingredients in chocolate chips and the white flour, I think this is a great snack for the kids that does not come from a box or a bag.

 

I also plan to mix white and whole wheat flours to make things like breads and pancakes.  Some whole wheat is better than none, I presume, but there are some people in my family who are REALLY struggling with the whole-wheat-everything rule.

 

I plan to push continued whole-wheat sandwich bread for the kids and myself.  I also plan to push fresh fruit as a snack before getting any other type of snack (as in a cookie). 

 

I plan to continue to meal plan and to provide meals that are cooked from scratch with good ingredients, and to make sure there are enough left over for Ed and I to eat a good lunch at work. 

 

I also plan to push NO cold, sugary cereal (unless it is something healthy, like plain cheerios), and no food dye whenever possible.  I don’t plan to be militant, as in no birthday cake at a party, etc.  But I do not plan to purchase foods or beverages with artificial coloring in them.

 

All of these plans will go over just fine with the family, but I need to recognize that it will take greater commitment on my part (as well as more work).  I think once I find a pattern and a routine, this will become much easier.  The most important thing is a meal plan with all ingredients available in the house.  This has made things much easier.

 

We did deviate from “the plan” a few times…Ed bribed the boys to clean the house with a bowl of ice cream as a reward, unbeknownst to me!  So, last night, we were all hungry, craving something sweet, so I allowed everyone a small bowl of ice cream with frozen strawberries (from my garden).  The ice cream does not meet the criteria of the food plan, but the strawberries did.  I thought it was close enough, and a reward to everyone for a job well done this week.

 

I am still noticing the improvements with the kids’ overall moods and behavior.  This alone is a reason to keep going, in my opinion.  I am feeling quite sure that Lilly has some type of food allergy, because her skin rash is virtually gone after a week of this.  I am suspecting high-fructose corn syrup, so I plan to stay away from that indefinitely. 

 

I can report that I lost 3 lbs over the past week.  Other than modifying what I was putting in my mouth, I was not dieting, tracking/journaling my intake, nor was I depriving myself.  If I was hungry, I ate.  I also have been feeling some dull joint pain in my hips and hands for the past few months, I don’t know what that is from (I am hoping it is not arthritis, but at almost-40, it certainly could be).  That joint pain has significantly decreased, although it could be because the weather has warmed up, too…the cold seems to make it worse. 

 

We are officially “off” the challenge after Friday, so I imagine Saturday, the kids are going to go nuts on food.  That will be an interesting test to see how they feel after that!

Day 5

I have been thinking about what to title this blog post…here are a few ideas: 

• Losing my mind
• It’s the dishwasher that never ends
• Woman becomes institutionalized after poisoning her children with white flour
• Making turkey gravy at 6:45 am (this is no exaggeration)
• Overwhelmed, under-stocked, and over-budget

The third title is an exaggeration.  The rest, well, they are pretty much spot-on.  Please let me rant during the first half of this post, then I will update on any good news that there may be.

A few things I have come to realize:  First, if I think I have bought enough food, I need to almost double it.  Now that the kids aren’t eating chips, ice cream at bedtime, chocolate chip cookies, they are ACTUALLY eating meals and lots of fruit.  so what I thought was a weeks supply of fruit ended up being only a 4 day supply of fruit.  I also realize that what I considered a meal before (enough for all of us plus a few leftovers), is no longer enough because they are all eating more at mealtime.  I know this is a good thing, but this was something I was underprepared for.

Take last night…rock bottom, as it is now being known.  Wednesdays I work until at least 6, and I had to volunteer with the boys at the nursing home from 6:45-8.  Ed was in charge of supper, and I told him that there were “plenty” of leftovers.  In the interest of the other New Year’s resolution to not waste food, I want to make sure we are eating our leftovers.  Well, my “plenty” and his and the kids’ “plenty” are two different things.  So I get home, and the food is gone, everyone is hungry, and we have nothing to take for lunches tomorrow.  I still have some of my Great Harvest bread, but no one can really stand it, so I have no idea what we are all going to eat.  I peer into the fridge and see a turkey that is thawed (remember it was supposed to be the day #1 meal).  So, we heave that bird into the oven at 6:30 last night so we will have something to take to work and school tomorrow.  We are all out of cookies, so I know I will have to get up early to make some more, the cookies have been a lifesaver!  They are the only non-fruit or veggie snack in the house. 

Fast forward 12 hours…I am showered and dressed for work.  It is 6:30 am and I head upstairs into the kitchen.  The place I have spent the greater majority of my time at home.  I begin taking apart the turkey, peeling potatoes, and making gravy so that we would all have a yummy lunch.  Oh, yes, and then there were those pesky cookies.  So, there I was baking cookies on top of it.  My frustration and stress level were mounting…this is surely not how I wanted to start my day (especially with NO COFFEE!!).  And then, the unthinkable…I grabbed my flour canister and measured the flour into the cookie batter.  The WHITE FLOUR…The NON-WHOLE GRAIN FLOUR!!!!!!!!  I caught myself tipping the bowl over to try to remove the toxic powder, but then realized I may have gone too far.  I began to breathe deeply and try to talk myself off of the whole food ledge I was perched upon.  (As an aside, I do generally buy unbromated and unbleached flour, so my white flour is pretty OK anyway). 

Oh, yes, and I told the kids I would make eggs for breakfast.  They are sick of pancakes, and aside from Ed and I, no one really liked the crockpot oatmeal I made a double-batch of. 

I seriously thought I would lose my mind this morning.

But, now, after being away from the kitchen at work, I have had time to refocus and return home happy.  I have a oven-baked chicken fajita dish simmering in the oven, and the rice is on the stove. 

A few bits of info:  I am probably doing twice the amount of dishes I was previously doing.  Seems I am always preparing something.  I know this will get better as we find a groove of how much food to make, what types of things everyone will eat, etc.

I made an executive decision to buy bread that does not meet the real food rules.  It is still whole wheat, does not contain high-fructose corn syrup, and other than one preservative, it is “clean”.  The lack of any bread that anyone will eat is serious.  Because if they are hungry, they have always made a PB & J, a piece of toast, etc.  So, because I don’t have time to experiment with a bread recipe, because I only have 4 slices of Great Harvest bread left, and because I have been told that said Great Harvest bread tastes like clay, I made the decision and will not look back.

Now, for the good stuff…

We have all been noting, well, um, changes, with our digestive systems.  I am assuming this is a good thing, but it may take a few days to work out the kinks, if you know what I mean.  But the mood around here has been quite good.  Lilly and Alex have been the most invested, and are both waaaay more on board than I originally thought.  Alex doesn’t necessarily like this, but he is sticking to it quite well.  Lilly is much more open to it.  She is talking to all of her friends about healthy eating, and she has seemed much, much happier.  I let her eat school lunch today—mini corn dogs, her favorite—and she told me her tummy hurt after eating them, and next time she probably won’t eat them.  I am glad she was able to make that choice on her own.

Happy faces, hungry tummies, but all in all (minus the cook-a-thon this morning), we are hanging in there!

Day 1: Success?

We finished day 1!  The place didn’t go up in flames, no one exploded, and in fact, there was only a little complaining!  We had a few failures, though, as the day progressed.
Failure #1:  Use of SPRITE to cook ham. 
We had a ham in our garage that we were going to prepare for a family Christmas celebration on Saturday.  This celebration was cancelled because Ed was sick.  So here we had this ham.  So I deviated from the meal plan (turkey breast was on the menu), and I prepared the ham.  The only way I know how to make ham is by slicing it and baking it in sprite…yes SPRITE.  The soda.  The chemical-laden soda.  Soooo, I decided that since I used only about 12 ounces for cooking, and the amount of liquid in the bottom of the pan after cooking was probably just 10 ounces, our level of ingestion would be very, very small.  I made an executive decision to allow this because I needed to have something tasty for this very hungry family to eat.
Failure #2:  Use of sharp cheddar cheese with annatto
Annatto is a natural coloring and it turns cheese orange.  However, it is a form of processing, and it would deviate from the real food rules.  I made the MOST delicious cheesy potatoes today…used homemade cream of chicken soup (which incidentally was so delicious, I may never buy another can of the gloppy yellow goo).  I can’t say that these were healthy by any stretch (a whole stick of butter (!!!!), a pint of sour cream, 10 ounces of cream of chicken soup—made with half and half, and 1 cup of shredded cheese).  But, again, in the interest of proving that real food can taste good, I stand by this decision.  Plus, they were soooo yummy, and they made us all very happy
Failure #3:  The whole wheat bread I made
I used my normal bread recipe, which calls for bread flour OR all-purpose flour.  But I substituted whole-wheat flour.  Plus, I had a lot of stuff going on in the kitchen yesterday, so I probably let that dough rise longer than it needed to.  The recipe I use calls for rising the dough 3x before baking, most recipes rise the dough only twice.  I don’t know why, but by the time I put the bread in the oven, it was all done rising (generally there is a lot more rising that happens once the bread goes in the oven).  In addition, I was thrown off by the dark color of the dough, and I think I overcooked it.  I made one pan of dinner rolls and two loaves of bread.  End result:  I had 12 hard flat dinner rolls (3 of them hit the garbage with just a bite or two taken from them), and two loaves of bread that are extremely flat.  I guess I’m going to need to find a recipe that is specific for whole-wheat flour.
Now, let’s move on to the successes of the day. 
There was a little bit of complaining mid-day about this whole plan.  Sundays are a day in which there is generally a lot of snacking going on, so it was a change for everyone.  BUT, they all took it in stride.  The kids would ask if certain foods were OK or not.  They did eat much more of the foods I had available than I planned for (many cookies were eaten along with a lot of fruit), but bottom line is they did it.
Ed has been an avid Dt. Mt. Dew drinker for many years, and he does not like to drink water.  So this was going to be especially tough for him.  I bought some strawberry flavored spritzers, which truthfully, may not be within the real food rules, but I could read all of the ingredients on the label, and outside of “natural flavorings”, it was all legit.  He drank one can and liked it well enough.  I hope that eventually he won’t “need” this, but this is an acceptable solution for now.  So that is another big success
Probably the biggest success of the day was that everyone was in a good mood!  I implemented this plan not just for our physical health, but to see if there would be a benefit on everyone’s behavior as well.  I can report that there was no misery, no sulking off to a room, no crazy-hyper behavior (which is very common for the boys), no fighting, etc.  It could have just been a good day, I can’t imagine that change would take place that quickly.  But, boy it was noticeable, all the way around.
I am calling day 1 a success!  Now on to day 2.  The biggest challenge today will be the fact that the kids are home again, with not much to snack on.  We’ll see if we can hang tight another day!

Here we go…

Day 1 of the “real food challenge”.  If you go to 100daysofrealfood.com and look at the “real food rules” we will be adhering to all but one of the real food rules.  We will be allowing sugar, in small-ish quantities.  Many of the recipes I use have real sugar in them, such as my homemade bread, pancakes, etc.  I think the only way my family will survive this is if they can snack on baked goods.  I have amped up the baked goods with all whole-wheat flour, so I am going to call that good enough.  Plus, I wonder if Ed doesn’t have an intolerance to honey (an acceptable sweetener), since many things I have made in the past with honey have been upsetting to his stomach.

The cabinets and fridge have all been cleaned out, and most “unacceptable” foods have been removed.  I did leave crackers, taco shells, and anything in the freezer, for now, since there isn’t much to snack on.  But that may go as well.  I also left the ketchup (even though it is not allowed) and salad dressing because I am not planning to make anything that requires those condiments. 

I failed to mention in any of my previous posts my biggest challenge in all of this…In support of Ed needing to give up his Diet Mt. Dew, which he “needs” in the mornings to get himself going, I have agreed to give up coffee .  Coffee is acceptable, as long as it is black (I suppose you could put milk in it).  I have been drinking my coffee black for the past few weeks because the creamer is nothing but a science experiment and it doesn’t give me pleasure anymore (which would make the chemical consumption worth it.  I decided that misery usually loves company, and since this whole real food thing won’t be too hard for me to integrate, that is the least I can do.

But, geez…no coffee?!?!  I have been cutting back on my coffee to about 1/2 of what I would normally drink over the past few days, but so far, this morning, I am feeling a little fuzzy.  I have eaten a whole-wheat blueberry muffin and 1/2 glass of milk.  It’s just not cutting it yet.

I did go and spend another $30 in groceries on Friday.  I bought 10 lbs of whole-wheat flour, because I realized after I am done baking today, I would be just about out.  I also bought another bottle of very expensive 100% maple syrup.  I already told the kids I might flip my lid if I see puddles of syrup on their plates…man that stuff is spendy!  I also bought one more jar of natural peanut butter.  I am going to make another double-batch of whole-wheat pancakes (I only have 12 of them in the freezer) to increase my supply of frozen pancakes for school mornings).  I am also planning to bake some bread today.  I baked a batch of peanut butter cookies (with natural peanut butter and whole-wheat flour), and the kids loved them, so I may be making another batch of those as well.  I am just not sure how much we will eat in a week of fruits, nuts, muffins, pancakes, etc.  Now that all cereals and snack foods are out of the house, we could go through these other foods very quickly.  So I wanted to be prepared just in case I need to whip something up.

I think that’s all for now…here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting Prepped

The clock is ticking…the “real food challenge” will begin on Sunday morning.  Yesterday, I cleaned out the pantry to get rid of foods we will not be eating.  Holy smokes…I haven’t cleaned that out in a looong time.  I threw out canned items that expired in 2010!  How old would they have to be if they EXPIRED in 2010!?!?!?!?  Which brought up another New Year’s resolution; decrease wasted food.  I probably threw away $80 in food yesterday.  That could have gone to the food shelf.

Anyway, we are now in pig-out mode.  We have snacks in the house that will not be there come Sunday morning.  So I told the kids to eat what they want because in a few days it will be gone.  I plan to actually remove most foods that are not allowed to decrease the temptation to sneak something. 

I went grocery shopping and bought (what I hope is) a week’s supply of groceries.  Some of our food lifestyle isn’t changing by much; what I make for meals is pretty much staying the same with just a few modifications.  BUT, what we snack on and what I make for breakfast is changing radically.

Many people talk about how expensive it is to buy produce, high quality meat, and organic foods.  I was curious, though, would it be that much more expensive if you are not buying bags of chips (at $4/bag), bottles of pop ($3.50 or $4 for a 6-pack of bottles that lasts a week), coffee creamer (*sniff* at $2.00 a bottle; 2 bottles per week).

So I set out to the grocery store.  Because it was after work, and because I was tired; I decided to shop at St. Joe’s Coborn’s instead of my usual Cashwise.  So, the price of my regular grocery trip would be higher than usual simply because of the change of venue.  It has been about 3 weeks since I have done a major grocery shopping trip.  Typically, when I go that long, I will spend about $200+ on a trip to Cashwise.  This will supply our house with at least 1.5 weeks of foods, but we run short on meats and cereal after about a week. 

Also, note, I do have a small-ish supply of meat on-hand because I am a meat hoarder.  So, we have a turkey breast, a ham, about 15 lbs of hamburger, and several packages of chicken breasts.  So, I didn’t need to buy that.  I also have 1 1/2 loaves of bread from Great Harvest Bread Co on hand, and I have 18 eggs.

So, tonight I bought:  8 braeburn apples, 3 lbs of oranges, 5 pears, a large package of blueberries, 2 pomegranates, a bag of carrots, 2 organic peppers, about 4 heads of broccoli, 20 ounces of almonds, 12 ounces of cashews, an onion, 8 lbs of potatoes, 4 small packages of chicken breasts, 1 whole chicken, 1 large chuck roast, organic grape jelly, organic pizza sauce, organic whole-wheat mac and cheese, organic oatmeal, some weird all-natural strawberry spritz soda that Ed may need—he IS trying to give up an addiction to Diet Mt. Dew, cocktail peanuts, a gallon of milk, a pint of organic yogurt, a block of mozzarella cheese, whole wheat egg noodles, sea salt, 100% maple syrup, all-natural string cheese, 2 boxes of brown minute rice (I know, minute rice?  I can’t cook regular rice), and some of those weird squeezy applesauce things for the kids’ lunches.  My total was $180.  I still need to get 5 lbs of whole-wheat flour, but I am otherwise set for a week. 

Now, granted, if I wouldn’t be attempting this crazy eating plan, I may have spent more, but my cart would have been much more full than what it was. (Remember above that I am not going to waste food?  I didn’t buy stuff just because it was on sale, or just because it looked good).  So it is hard to say what I would have spent.

But, the bottom line is, I came in a bit under what I was expecting for a week’s worth of food, and that makes me happy!

The meal plan for the week looks like this:

ALL BREAKFASTS:  Choice of eggs, whole-wheat pancakes (premade by me and frozen), crock-pot oatmeal (plan to make a batch of it on Monday morning), or whole-wheat toast

LUNCHES:  Cameron will eat school lunch, Lilly and Alex will take a cold lunch consisting of: PB&J on whole-wheat bread (organic PB and J), a piece of fruit, a small baggie of nuts, carrot sticks, string cheese or yogurt with fruit, and a peanut butter cookie (organic PB made with whole-wheat flour…not sure how that is going to go over!).  Ed and I will eat leftovers from our supper the evening before.

SUPPER:  Sunday--Roasted Turkey Breast, potatoes, broccoli:  Monday—Roast Beef, potatoes or brown rice, peas:  Tuesday—Baked chicken, potatoes, frozen corn:  Wednesday—Leftovers (remember no waste!):  Thursday—Mexican baked chicken fajitas with brown rice:  Friday—Homemade pizza (homemade whole-wheat crust, organic pasta sauce, hamburger, and hand-shredded mozzarella cheese.

SNACKS:  Fruit, nuts, peanut butter cookie, popcorn

That’s the plan for the week.  Wish us luck!

2014: to our health

Over the past several years, I have taken increasing interest in developing a healthier lifestyle.  At over 200 lbs at one point in time, I was out of shape, out of energy, irritable, depressed, etc.  I started taking control in 2009 with a gym membership at SNAP fitness, and since that time I lost almost 40 lbs.  I began embracing exercise as a regular and important part of my life, and began to be more aware of what I was putting in my body and how it made me feel.  At my peak, I was on a roll…unstoppable.  However, I have slid backwards over the past 6 months or so.  Packed on almost 10 lbs, and have been struggling once again with mustering up the energy to exercise, even though I am keenly aware of the many (and believe me, many, many, many) physical and mental benefits of regular exercise.

I have also taken my hands off the wheel as far as my eating, although there are certain things I just can’t do anymore, like drink pop more than once a day, or eat highly processed food.  My gut feels so yucky that I think I may have developed a “forever-aversion” to some of those foods.

Over these past 4.5 years, I think I have done a better job of putting healthier foods on the table and in the pantry for the sake of my family.  However, I know that I could do better.  I have heard the advice many times before about reading labels… “If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it”.  But I have finally taken heed.  I was amazed that the “whole grain white bread” I was buying for the kids was full of sugar, corn syrup, etc.  Not to mention the many other foods I serve on a regular basis.

I am fortunate in the regard that we are a pretty healthy family.  So I know I don’t NEED to make changes.  However, I see little things, like Lilly’s skin rash that won’t go away, irritability, moodiness, poor attention span, low activity level, a few (or more) pounds that shouldn’t be there.  I see these things in each of the members of my family.  And I know we can be better.  I know we can do better. 

I have also heard, many times, “let food be your medicine”, and I have a personal desire to stay off of prescription medications for as long as possible (I have a goal of age 70, but who knows how realistic that may be).  So, I started doing a little internet research.

I am already doing better than some people in that I make our family meals most nights of the week.  And I usually make these meals from scratch, with only a few “processed” foods added, like cream soups, pasta, etc.  But, again, I see there is more that I could do.  I could make small changes, small substitutions.  I could spend a little more time in the kitchen on the weekends preparing foods for the upcoming week, so I don’t have to spend any extra precious time in the kitchen during the busy weeknights.  And I began to wonder…could these little changes make a difference for our family?  Could these little changes set me on the path I need to be on, once again.  Will I see improvements in those little things I mentioned above in my husband and kids?

I decided that it might be worth a shot.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?  And it might cost me a little more money (buying whole foods, produce, and organic items) and it will certainly cost me time.  But-the tradeoff could be worth it. 

As far as the money goes, it may cost less, too.  I will not be buying any cereal, chips, snack foods, and neither Ed or I will be eating out for lunches. 

So, we have all decided to commit to a 12-day “whole food challenge”.  We will eat only foods made from scratch.  I will follow many of the “real food rules” found on 100daysofrealfood.com.  The only difference is that I will still use sugar in my foods instead of honey or 100% maple syrup.  I think I would have a full-scale revolt on my hands if I don’t.  But there will be no pop, no snacks, other than homemade snacks, fruit, nuts, etc.

The menu planning alone took me over 2 hours.  2 hours to come up with 12 days of meals and snacks and a corresponding shopping list!  I hope that that time will pay off with less time at the grocery store and less overall time in the kitchen.  We are starting our challenge on Sunday.  I plan to update this blog as we go on with information such as how much I spent at the store, how much we ate, and I plan to take an inventory each evening of how I feel and how I have observed everyone else to feel.

I hope, in the long run, that we will collectively adopt many of the lifestyle changes, but I do not have expectations that we will adhere tightly to these “real food rules” for now and forever.  But I hope it is a lesson for my kids to connect how they feel with what they eat, to see that there are better choices out there.  And I hope that Ed and I will reap the benefits of feeling better, more energized, and happier.

Wish us luck…I think we are going to need it in a few days as we are coming off of our sugar and white flour addiction!

How to treat a treat

Treat.  Doesn't that word immediately make you happy?  I think of an unexpected ice cream cone, Halloween candy, or a caramel apple.  An indulgence.  A reward.  Sometimes you get it from someone, sometimes you give it to yourself. 

I have recently upped the ante on my journey to (hopeful) lifelong health.  About a year ago, I had my labs drawn for the first time in my life.  Despite the fact that I was still carrying some extra poundage, I fully expected my numbers to be stellar.  Why?  Because I am in very good health, because I exercise regularly, because I have given up many processed foods, pop, and candy.  The only thing my doctor has to gripe at me about is my weight.  My blood pressure is good, my family history is healthy. Of course I should have great numbers. 

My numbers were really all good, all within the normal range.  But I had a few readings that were closer to the boundary than I would have liked.  This scared me.  Because if I tack 10 years onto my life, what will those numbers look like?  10 years from now, I will be approaching 50 (!!), and I can imagine that my metabolism will slow, and I will likely pack on a few more pounds.  I realized that unless I make some changes, those numbers will be closer to the boundary or even over the boundary.  I don't like that idea one bit.

So, after watching the success a close friend of mine had on Weight Watchers, I decided to give it a whirl.  I can tell you that in 10 weeks, I have lost nearly 17 pounds, putting my total weight loss over the past 2.5 years at 35 pounds.  I am approaching my "wedding weight", which wasn't necessarily something to write home about (although I am pretty pumped), and I have my sights set on my high school weight, which all of a sudden seems possible now.

That is not the moral of this blog post, though...I am setting up the story.

Being on Weight Watchers requires careful tracking and monitoring of the foods you are eating.  You get a certain number of 'points' each day, and when your points are gone, you can put no more into your mouth.  Of course, there are loopholes and exceptions, but, by and large, this is how it works.  This process has taught me to make choices.  "Do I REALLY want to spend 15 points on a small Blizzard at DQ?"  That would be more than 1/2 of the points I get in a day.  So, upon doing my research, and finally understanding why, despite running sometimes 10 miles per week, I wasn't losing weight.  I was eating way more points each day than I should have been.

Which brings me to my title...How to treat a treat.

There are days, oh, there are days, I would love to go back to my old ways.  Days where I want to treat myself.  Days where I know I deserve something special, something tasty.  And, usually, I allow myself one day each week where I do treat myself.  This is the only way I can stay on-point for the rest of the week.  But as the week wears on, I find myself falling into the mind-trap that I should have a treat every day.  As I sit in the Panera drive-thru, knowing I should get the 3-point chicken soup, but WANTING the 9 point Mac and Cheese with the 9 point Sierra Turkey Sandwich, I realize that I have been 'treating' myself every. single. day. prior to these past 10 weeks.  Because one day I would eat that, another day, I would eat a personal pizza.  And I thought nothing about 'treating' myself to a blizzard at DQ.  I realized that 'treats' are around every corner...in every convenient fast food restaurant, in every grocery store, in the breakroom at work, and heck, even in my desk drawer.

And, WHY, do I need to have all of these treats?  Have I done something special every day to deserve them?  Am I like a puppy who has done a trick to ear a treat? 

100 years ago, we didn't have such quick and immediate access to treats.  Heck, 50 years ago, we didn't either.  In those days, sugar was the treat...sugar used to bake a cake for a special occasion, or to bake a batch of cookies.  50 years ago, we didn't have an obesity epidemic or Type 2 diabetes spiraling out of control in our population.  We didn't have cases of pop to buy and bring home to put in the refrigerator.  There really wasn't fast food, and there certainly wasn't any such thing as "supersize me".  When you went out to eat, you didn't get enough food for two meals.

I am learning to allow myself a treat, one treat, each week.  I can save that treat for a special occasion...a wedding, a night out for dinner, or a party.  Or I can have my treat on a day when my cravings are just too intense.  But that's it.  It's back to the grind.  I am learning to be grateful that I have healthy food to put into my body, and that I don't need (or deserve) to treat myself daily.  I am learning to make choices about what I am eating.  I am learning that when I am craving a treat the most, I can usually try a piece of fruit or string cheese first.  More often than not, that is good enough.  I am learning to treat a treat like a treat should be treated (that was funny, don't you think?)

And then, I start thinking about how our society seems to be entitled to have treats.

And that is a whole 'nother blog post.

The gift of February 7

On February 8, I lost a lot.  I lost my mother, the person who knew me better than I knew myself, my friend.  And each year, at this time, I think about her.  I think about what I lost.  I think about how things might have been if February 8, 1999 not happened the way it had. 

What I don’t often think about is the gift I was given on February 7.

In 1999, I was 23 years old, married, with no kids, living in Becker, MN.  I was working, and enjoying married life, and the freedom of life on my own.  Ed worked in the cities at the time, and worked every other weekend.  On the weekends he worked, I often went to my parents’ house for “chick day”, a day where my mom and I , and my sister if she was around (she was 17 at the time and busy with activities), would spend the day together watching movies, playing nertz, and having fun.

On February 7, I met my mom at my aunt’s house.  We had a birthday party for my cousins.  My grandma and grandpa, and several aunts, uncles, and cousins were all there.  Like most Backes gatherings, it was a good time.  Lots of visiting, lots of food, a good way to spend an afternoon.

I was planning to meet Ed at his work in Plymouth when he got done at 6, and we were going to head over to Jamie’s house that night.  I had taken the next day off, so I didn’t need to be home or in bed at any certain time.  We finished at my aunt’s house with time to spare, so I went home with mom to spend an hour or two. 

We had the best time.  We talked and laughed, and had so much fun.  I will remember it forever. 

Before I knew it, it was 5 pm, and it was time for me to leave.  I didn’t want to go, we were having so much fun.  She walked outside with me, and borrowed to me her “Best of KQ” tapes (yes, tapes) to listen to.  We walked into the garage, she reached into her car and gave me the tapes.  She gave me a hug, and stood in the driveway, with her smile, waving at me as I drove away.

That was the last time I saw her, and my last memory of her.  Little more than 12 hours later, she was gone.

I am just realizing, completely, how much of a gift I was given in spending February 7 with her.  I didn’t know I was saying good-bye to her, but in a way, it was a fitting good-bye.  I pulled out of the driveway, watching her wave to me, feeling so much love for her and feeling her love for me in return.  It was a perfect ending to our relationship.  Had I known it would have been the last time I would see her, there would have been things I would have needed to say, things I would have wanted to say, things I won’t ever get a chance to say.  But there wouldn’t have been laughter.  There wouldn’t have been fun.

So why am I sharing this sob-story with the world?  Well, first of all, I like to share pretty much everything there is to know about me.  Losing my mom has been a huge part of my life, and losing her has contributed to the person I have become today.  And I want you to understand that about me.  I am stronger because of it.  I am stronger because I have been through much, much worse than anything that has since challenged me.  And I am stronger because I choose each day to live in a way she would be proud of.

But, more importantly, I choose to share this story because I want to drive home the fact that we are not EVER guaranteed tomorrow.  And I know it sounds hokey, and cliché, but each day really is a gift.  I am so thankful that I spent that day with her.  I am so thankful that our time together that day didn’t consist of arguing or disagreements (because there was plenty of that between us at times, too :).  I am so thankful that I have that memory of her, waving goodbye to me. 

I won’t ever forget that.

Fortune Cookies

Ed and I have recently begun a tradition. He usually eats at a Chinese restaurant once a week or so, and he usually picks up a fortune cookie for me. We make a big deal about it. I feel it, rub it, and tell him that our fate is in my hand.

Ed and I have been in this mode for the past, oh, say 10 years or so, where we feel like nothing GOOD ever happens to us. We work hard, and we are good people, but it seems like luck, karma, or whatever it is you want to call it just isn't on our side. Now, granted, in the grand scheme of thing, we know we have a good life, and we KNOW it could be much, much worse. But you know those people who seem to have everything fall into their lap? Well, we have no such luck. We kind of live under the notion, "If it can go wrong, it will".

Well, my New Year's resolution has been to put forth positive energy and eternal optimism, even in the face of trials. Because I have begun to realize that perhaps it is my state of mind that reinforces this lack of "luck". I am expecting the other shoe to drop, I'm anticipating the worst-case scenario. I don't expect good things to happen, I don't expect to be rewarded for my hard work. So, I have kept my chin up! And, let me tell you, it has been a challenging first three weeks of 2012!

Friday, Ed presented me with my fortune cookie. He said he labored over which cookie was his, and which should be mine. He weighed them in his hands, studied them, and decided on the cookie that should be mine. I unwrapped it, and it said....

"It is hard to see the sky from the bottom of the well"

Here's to pulling myself out of the well, and believing in bigger and better things for 2012!

What's wrong with the world

This is going to be one of my most pompous posts to date. I am getting on my high horse, and I am going to give my 2-cents on what is wrong with the world today. If I strike a nerve, I certainly don't mean to. I just have some thoughts that I would like to share with the world. They are arranged in order of self, family, world:

1. Food in boxes. If it comes out of a box, you probably shouldn't be eating it. 50 years ago, there were hardly any "convenience foods". If you wanted to make a meal, you bought your meat, your veggies, your spices, and you probably made your own bread. If you look at the "obesity epidemic" in our country, I can't help but wonder how much of this is attributed to convenience foods. I have started looking at people's shopping carts when I am in the grocery store. Not surprising, the people who are looking unhealthy have primarily convenience foods in their carts. I am not perfect in this arena, although I am trying, I really am. I try to make meals from scratch, make my own snacks and desserts (chocolate chip cookies every weekend--YUM), and I usually make a batch of bread each weekend as well.

2. No water. People aren't drinking water anymore. There are a lot of people whose "water" is a can of pop, juice, iced tea, etc. This kind of goes along the line of #1...if you can't pronounce the ingredients of a food or beverage, you probably shouldn't eat it or drink it. Pop is full of stuff I can't pronounce. It is addictive. I have learned that when I drink too much pop, I feel "sludgy" and hung over. Here, too, totally not perfect, but working at it.

3. No work. Now, we have all heard about the benefits of exercise. But do you wonder why generations before us weren't exercising in the same way we are supposed to be? Because they WORKED! In the days before automatic washers/dryers, laundry had to be washed BY HAND! And it took all day! Think of the calories you would expend in a day of hand-washing your laundry! Or the calories expended in a day of farm work. We need to get moving, somehow. We don't have to go to fancy gyms or buy all kinds of equipment for our houses. We just need to work. And, there is a lot to be said about working hard to achieve your goals...see next item.

4. Instant gratification. It seems like there is something wrong with want. So many of us get what we want when we want it, whether it be an article of clothing, a car, a house, furniture, etc. What are we teaching our kids about this? We are raising a generation of kids who are getting what they want when they want it. They aren't working for it, saving for it, and they certainly aren't getting denied. What kind of adults are they going to be? I am afraid that we will have a whole generation of people who can't deal with failure and who expect the world to be at their feet. Not to mention...look at the NEED in the world. The need people have for simple things, food, shelter, clothing. Let's teach our kids about need! Let's teach them about setting goals and priorities! Again, let's look at previous generations...I bet few of us can say that our parents or grandparents had 5000 square foot homes, two late-model cars, the newest and latest gadgets, and a closet full of clothes. Here, once again, so not there...I love my gadgets, especially. But, I think we need to examine more closely as a society what are "wants" and what are "needs".

5. When the going gets tough, we get outta here: If you are married, you got married (hopefully) because you were crazy about the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Well, guess what? It isn't all sunshine, daisies, and Looooove. People grow, they modify their behaviors, and life happens. It affects each of us differently. There are times that we are in sync with each other, and times we are on different planets. Same with kids...You start your parenting journey helplessly in love with this tiny infant. But, over time, this tiny infant becomes a person all their own. You will see eye to eye, sometimes, and other times, not so much. Too many people are afraid of these conflicts, and either physically leave when things get rough, or "leave" in other ways. They "leave" by no longer communicating, or by giving in all the time. They "leave" by not fighting the battles that need to be fought to keep your marriage and family functioning and moving toward a goal of health and happiness for all.

6. A lack of diversity. I am not necessarily speaking of cultural or racial diversity. Rather the diversity of personalities, of strengths and of weaknesses. A prime example is what is happening in our schools. There is such emphasis on reading and math, much less on history, art, or science. We are putting kids into a mold, and if they don't fit, they are falling. When are we going to be able to recognize each person's strengths and weaknesses, capitalize on their strengths, to allow each person to access their full potential. I think the world would be a much better place if we were cultivating each individual's strengths and gifts from an early age, rather then separating them into the ones who fit the cookie cutter and the ones who don't (and what do we do with the ones who don't? Well, we throw our hands in the air!).

7. A loss of Community. In previous generations, communities took care of one another. You not only knew your neighbors, you borrowed sugar from them. You knew your neighbor's families, your kids played with their kids, and they rode their bikes all over God's creation, only having to come home at a predetermined hour. The entire community watched out for those kids, and they watched out for one another. We now live in these little bubbles, undisturbed, unperturbed, but we don't reach out and take care of each other. It wouldn't take much if we all did just a little.

Feel free to add to this list...what else could we do to make ourselves healthier/happier, our families stronger, our communities more vibrant? Let's make this world a better place!

It’s here

I used to listen to stories of parents who were shuffling their kids all over God’s creation for activities. 

I am now telling those stories.

It has been oh-so-long since I updated my poor blog.  But I have been BUSY! 

June/July:  Totally and completely consumed with baseball.  Alex played in one league which played Monday/Wednesday, and had three weekend tournaments.  Cameron played Sundays with three weekend scrimmages or tournaments.  It was SO.MUCH.FUN, and for the first time in my life, all of that hustle and bustle did not seem like drudgery to me.  Cameron is on a 10 and under team with a lot of his classmates.  It was fun to watch those boys work together and play together.  They will probably be together for a few years, so it will be really fun to watch them develop.  Alex was on a CS Little League team, one of 8 Cold Spring teams.  He had the good fortune of being on a pretty good team, and they made it all the way to the championship game for the league.  Sadly, they didn’t win, but the ride sure was fun!

August:  A few deep breaths after the running of baseball, but then we had our week of vacation at the cabin.  Ed’s uncle and aunt have a great cabin up near Erskine, MN (a 3 1/2 hour drive).  They let us stay there for a week, and boy, did we have FUN!  It was a great time for us to reconnect as a family, something we didn’t think we needed, but in retrospect, we sure did!  We played and ate and relaxed for one whole week!  The rest of August was busy with odds and ends.  Nothing big, but still busy.

September:  The end of an era!  We officially gave up our spots at our daycare.  Saying goodbye to Tracy, our daycare provider, was so, so hard.  She has taken care (and really, really good care, I might add) of our kids for 5 years.  It was hard for the kids, for me, and for Tracy.  Just one of those milestones that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but was such an eye opener to me of how fast this time is going!  And on that note, we now have a SIXTH grader, a FIFTH grader, and a FIRST grader!!!  Good Lord!  Alex is starting his “Rule the School” year at St. Boniface, and will head to middle school next year.  Wow.

So that was my last four months in a nutshell!  It is busy and crazy and never, ever boring.  The ride is wild, but I hope to stay on it as long as possible!

Musings upon turning 25, uh, I mean, 36.

36.  Holy smokes.  That is getting up there.  Rounding the corner to 40.  40?!?!?!  ME?!?!?!?!  It just doesn’t seem right.  I don’t feel one bit different (other than wiser, definitely wiser) than I felt 10 years ago.  My body feels the same, my spirit feels the same. I feel like, well, Me.  I feel like I really shouldn’t even be old enough to talk about 10 years ago, let alone, to have 10 years ago feel like it was yesterday.  But here I am, 36 years after the day I entered the world. 

Some things about me are so much the same as they were during my first few birthdays:  I love to gab, I love basking in the sunshine, I love kicking anyone’s butt at any type of board game, I love to be with the ones I love, I love random information that is unnecessarily stored at the top of my mind (think state capitals…).  Today, I sat on my log swing, under my favorite maple tree, with the sun in my face and the wind in my hair, and I was smitten.  That moment, that is just so, me. 

But there are things about me that I can see have developed (I won’t say ‘changed” because I would be admitting defeat on a 18-year argument between Ed and I):  I feel more comfortable with who I am, misgivings, faults, and all.  I used to be ashamed of my faults, wished I didn't have them, wished they weren’t a part of me.  But I have realized that people are peppered with strengths and weaknesses.  There are certain faults I have that I don’t think will change, so I have instead given the world a “love it or leave it” approach.  I used to think that the world would just fall into my lap, with everything I have ever wanted.  I know I work hard and that I am a good person, and a part of me believed (really, really believed) that because of those two things, that I would be set.  But now, I have determined the importance of setting priorities, and pouring my heart and soul into the things that really matter to ME, since I realized it is unrealistic for me to have it all.  In the past, I have held people to standards that they were possibly not aware of, and I would be disappointed over and over again because they didn’t live up to my expectations (which they knew nothing of).  I have since determined the importance of forgiveness, and try to not hold people to standards that they cannot or will not live up to (still working on this one).  I used to believe that my family, friends, my world of people would always be there for me, whenever I needed or wanted them.  Even if it would be three months (three years) before I spent time with them.  I have learned that NOW is the time to spend, because that person won’t always be there.  And my life has become richer (not busier) when I realized that. 

In the past 36 years, I have been on top of the world, at the bottom of the heap, and all places in between.  So, even though I am not thrilled to leave 35 behind (can’t I just stay there forever???), I face this new year of life with a soul at peace (mostly), a heart full of love, and a better recognition of who I really am.  And I kinda like myself :) What a good place to be!

To another 36 (and hopefully more than that) years!!!

Finally!

Finally, we had a weekend at home!  I don’t even know the last time that we had a weekend with no place to be, nothing going on.  It was so nice to just hang out here.  The weekend wasn’t completely without activity, Ed and I did run a 5k yesterday morning (Saturday), in the pouring rain!  Cameron did the 1k.  But we were out from about 9:15 until noon, and that was it.  Then, I got the house clean, laundry done, and then off to my Grandma’s for my weekly visit.  Today, I made an executive decision to skip church so we all could just be home in our PJ’s.  Bread was baked, brownies made, and I took time to cook a nice supper.  I played on my guitar so long, my fingertips feel funny as I’m typing, and I am starting a book.  This was a great weekend, the tail end of a great week!

The kids are preparing for their last week of school this week.  Hard to believe another school year has gone by.  I will now have a 6th grader, a 5th grader, and a 1st grader.  Holy cow!!!!  When did my babies get so big!?!?!?!  They have all had a pretty good school year. 

Alex ended strong this year, after having kind of a tough go of things the past few months.  We have figured out a few things that have helped him with his reading, and subsequently his math.  I am hoping to have him do a lot of reading this summer so that he can start 6th grade ready to roll.  Alex was in St. Boniface Baseball, which entailed of games on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:30, and practices on Wednesdays.  He also was on the speech team, with practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3:30-4:45.  And to top it off, he was still in choir.  April was so crazy, I didn’t know if I was comin’ or goin’ between getting him to all of his activities, managing my own work and household needs!  He had a pretty tough season for St. B’s, but the weather was often cold during the games, and he is a boy who does not like the cold!  This summer, Alex is playing on a travel baseball team, and they will play 2 nights a week and have a handful of tournaments on the weekends.

Cameron is winding down his fourth grade year.  He has not been in any spring activities (have to be in 5th grade for bball, and speech/choir…not his thing!).  He is playing on a travel ball team this summer as well.  They practice on Sunday nights, and will be having some scrimmages against other travel teams and he will be in a few tournaments, too.

Lilly is much the same.  She is looking forward to spending the summer at daycare with all of her friends.  She had a fantastic year at school, and I ‘m sure kindergarten will be something she will never forget.  She is reading so very well, spelling out many of her own words when writing, and is learning a little math, too!  She is still my cuddler and is a most fantastic helper around the house.

Hoping to get the garden in next weekend and some flowers planted..  Then it will really be summer around here!

Having it all

Seems like everyone wants to have it all.  A perfect life, filled with perfect people and perfect things.  Good health, happiness, people who love you, people who you love, well-behaved children who are kind and good, a beautiful home with Pottery Barn furniture (all matching, of course), a nice car, and all of the things you could ask for. 

But, does anyone really have it all?  There are a few, I bet.  I have encountered a few people who truly seem to have it all.  And when I see those people, it is hard to keep my pangs of envy quiet (why not me?  Why can’t I have it all?).  But then I try to remember that my lack of having it all is in part, a reflection on the choices I have made.  I chose to start my family when I was young (24 to be precise).  I was barely on my own two feet, let alone, to begin supporting two more feet!  I wouldn’t change it for the world, don’t get me wrong, But it came with a price.  I am a co-owner in my company, which is quite an investment.  So while other people are out buying furniture and grown-up toys, I am buying a business.  Not a bad deal, but it doesn’t provide me with the instant gratification I would like.  I choose to use my fun money to send my kids to a Catholic School because, as a product of Catholic Education, I feel that the outcome will be well worth it.

So, those are reasons why I don’t have it all.  And when I think about it that way, I can make peace with all I feel I am missing.  Because I wouldn’t choose it any other way.

I think a lot of people expect to have it all, regardless of the choices they make.  They forget that for every action, there is a reaction.  People feel entitled to luxuries that their choices have prevented them from having.  People feel entitled to have it all because their outward appearance is more important to them than their own internal satisfaction-meter.  I think that in this day and age, entitlement is running rampant in our society, and we are creating kids who believe they are entitled to all that the world has to offer.  There are kids who believe they deserve this-or-that simply because of who they are.  I fear what type of adults some of these kids will become.  (I could now step up onto my soapbox about parenting, but I will save that for another post).

So, in the meantime, I am truly finding a place of comfort in my own little world.  I have recognized how the choices I have made have prevented me from having it all RIGHT NOW (but I DO believe I will have it all, well maybe not ALL, but a lot more SOMEDAY).  I have also realized that instead of focusing on what I don’t have in my life, I am so much better off focusing on what I DO have.  I have a roof over my head, I have great kids (most of the time), I have a great marriage, a great job, great friends and family.  Who could ask for more???

Limits

Today, I spoke with a lady from the school on the phone. Lilly is a participant in an educational study, where they follow her academic development from k-5th grade. So twice a year, I am interviewed by a person. The interviews are quite in-depth, ranging from Lilly's academic performance, social-emotional development, our discipline strategy, my own mental health (yes, really), how much time each of us spends with her, etc. I was asked a question today that I am chewing on. She asked me if I have any physical or psychological issues that limit my ability to work. I did say "no", but it got me thinking about limits. I realized how fortunate I am to not be limited. I can work a FULL, 12-hour day (my Wednesdays, currently), busy with patient care--so I am on my feet much of the day. I can manage that busy day without going crazy (I do have a "mother's little helper", a 24 oz coffee at 2:30 in the afternoon on Wednesdays). I can come home and provide care to my kids. I can even muster up the energy to get a little exerise (only if I have to on Wednesdays...I generally exercise on Tuesday/Thursday). It isn't perfect. There are things I miss, but all in all, I am unlimited. And then I really began to think about how much I hate to be limited. I have always approached my life with a "why not?" instead of an "I can't". How hard would it be for me if I couldn't? And I don't just mean the big things that limit a person (being in a wheelchair, becoming ill, etc.). Even the little things: stress, anxiety, sadness, selfishness, irritability, insecurity. Those are limits too. And, as I compose that list, I know that some of those things limit me. I suppose they limit everyone to an extent. And, while I preach about this limitless glory out of one side of my mouth, out of the other side of my mouth, I realize it is important to know where my limits are. That is a very interesting paradox, don't you think? Perhaps the best thing I can do is recognize my limits, my boundaries, the lines that, if I cross them, what consequences will be had. Freedom within structure. I am believing more and more that we can each control our destiny. I believe more and more in self-fulfilling prophecies (I will never, I could never). I am working on eliminating the I can'ts, I won'ts to help me to live a life of freedom within my structure. I think this is what they mean when they say "life without limits". How lucky I am to be living that!!!

Breaking the cycle of shame

OK, I'm going to get a little bit serious here, so watch out! Because I am all a-flustered tonight. I have recently become aware of some attitudes of people that I so vehemently disagree with, I simply cannot believe how some people actually think! This has to do with how we discuss sex, drinking, drug use and other related topics with our kids. I have been a mom for the past 11 years, and nothing has made my palms sweat more than the idea that I may have to have the "big talk" with my kids someday. For awhile, I thought I could maybe just get away with letting the school handle it. But, FOR ME (this is not a judgement, folks), it just felt like the easy way out. I believed, begrudgingly, however, that the news of the birds and the bees would be better tolerated and understood if it came from a parent. I have believed, ever since becoming a parent, that "if you make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal". So, with this mindset, I dutifully taught my kids the proper terminology for their body parts, I answer all of their questions about bodies, kissing, sex, breastfeeding, alcohol use, cigarette use, and drug use in an honest and frank manner. I don't push the topic. I don't bring it up randomly over dinner. But when they ask, they get an answer. I am not blushing, stammering, giggling, or beating around the bush. I have been talking with the boys about drinking, drugs, and smoking fairly regularly for the past 2 years. And I have discussed sex to the extent that I believe they can handle at their ages. I have discussed the importance of responsibility, self-respect, and respect for others, and this is the cornerstone of these discussions. I have been on the receiving end of a fair amount of grief for doing this. Why do I do this? Why is this so important to me? I know why, and I'll tell ya... Growing up, there were so many things that just weren't discussed. "If you come home drunk, you won't see outside of your bedroom walls for a month". Well, guess what I did...I found ways (unsafe ways, I might add) to come home drunk without getting caught (well, I did get caught a few times). "If you get pregnant, you're outta this house". So, I had no one to talk to about sex, birth control, etc. I am simply darn lucky I didn't get caught. And I had to go through some pretty uncomfortable stuff to take care of myself, to make sure I didn't become another statistic of teen pregnancy. Now, don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a supportive household, and had a close relationship with my mom. But there were things we JUST. DIDN'T. TALK. ABOUT. I have a fairly good head on my shoulders, so I was able to figure a lot of this stuff out on my own. I managed to graduate from high school as an honor student, graduate from college, get married, have babies 2.5 years after the ring was on the finger, have a clean criminal record, a clean driving record (except for that first pesky speeding ticket I got a month ago), a house, a job, etc. But, I don't want to put that burden on my kids. I don't want to leave them to "figure it out" at the tender age of 16. I don't want them to drive home with someone who was drinking, or drive themselves home, simply because they fear I will kill them if there is liquor on their breath. I don't want them to make choices involving sex that will result in a lifetime of undesired responsibility, simply because they didn't know any better. Now, I am certainly not advocating for permissiveness. However, I truly believe that the more I arm my kids with knowledge, true, honest knowledge, that isn't skewed by my own opinions or issues, I believe I am giving them a gift that will last a lifetime. So instead of asking me why, I ask why everyone seems to have such a hard time talking to their kids about this? I have a theory: My theory is shame. I think so many of us were raised to be ashamed of our bodies, we were raised to listen and don't ask questions. We were raised to believe that sex was bad, drinking was bad, drugs were bad. But did your parents take the time to tell you WHY? Because, here's the thing, all of the things we tell our kids are BAD, become awfully darn tempting during the rebellious teenage years. All of the shame that was heaped onto us, and was heaped onto our parents, and onto their parents....And I think there are an awful lot of grown-ups who are carrying around that shame, and passing it along to our kids. Who really WANTS to have the birds and the bees talk with their kids? Of course it's uncomfortable, of course it is awkward. But guess what? That cycle of shame is gonna stop with me. I refuse to pass that along to my kids. I realize that I am just at the very beginnings of some very challenging years in terms of child rearing. In two years, Alex will be a teenager, and there will be many, many difficult choices and situations that he, and then Cameron, and eventually Lilly, will have to face. And I am not preaching here that MY kids will never drink, have sex, get a girl pregnant, get pregnant or get involved with drugs. But I DO believe that I am setting them up to make safe choices for these very difficult situations that today's adolescents face. I am giving them the tools they will need, at an early age, to make decisions that they are comfortable and confident in. And for those who think that it is "sickening" or "gross", you can have your opinion, but you sure aren't going to change mine. Why do I do this? Because I love my kids. I love them more than I hate having the birds and the bees talk. I love them more than I want to turn a blind eye to the very real pressures of drug and alcohol use among teenagers. And I will love them, no matter what, whether they heed my words or not. I will be their safe place to land. Always and forever.

Ode to Mumford & Sons

A few months ago, my friend, Leslie, shared a CD with me that she thought I would like. It was the first CD by a band called Mumford and Sons. When I first listened to it, I thought it was good, yes, but it didn't strike me deeply. The more I listened, however, the more it resonated with me. The music itself is kind of a blend of bluegrass-y, folk-y, Irish-type music. The lyrics, however, are some of the most fantastic lyrics I have ever laid ears upon!

The band has pulled tidbits from Shakespeare and Steinbeck, smattered with all kinds of biblical and spiritual references. Listening to Mumford is like watching a treasure candle burn (remember the treasure candles of the mid-1990's?) Each time you listen, you stumble upon a lyrical treasure, something you had never heard before, or maybe you heard it, but never pondered it. There are layers upon layers of meaning, and so many possibilities for interpretation. Their music is truly art. I could listen to this CD over and over again, and I swear, never tire from it.

"Love, it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you; it will set you free"
"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears"
"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life"
"Stars, light your fires, these are my desires"
"The shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved, was the same that sent me into your arms"
"Death is at your doorstep; and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance"
"You have your choices; And these are what make men great; his ladder to the stars" (from Timshel, which is loaded with references from Steinbeck's East of Eden...very, very cool)
"Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown; I know you have felt much more love than you've shown"
"In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we will die; the way you invest your love, you invest your life"
"You were made to meet your maker"
"Your oppression reeks of your greed and disgrace; so one man has and another has not, how can you love what it is you have got? When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor; Liars and thieves; you don't know what is in store." (a la Grapes of Wrath)
"Seal my heart and break my pride; I've nowhere to stand, and now I've nowhere to hide; align my heart, my body, my mind; to face what I've got and do my time"
"On my knees and out of luck, I look up"
"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears; And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears; Get over your hill and you'll see, what you find there; With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"

Some of my favorite lines...

I can't imagine having this level of creativity...these are gifted songwriters and performers, and I'm sure we will be hearing lots more from this band.

This music has been such a gift to me. I truly love music, but have been having a hard time finding music that makes me feel. And that is what I have always loved about music. I love how it can move me, make me think. This music does just that. It seems to be the perfect fit for me and where I am at in my life. Thanks, Leslie, for the CD!

This is some good, good stuff!

Can't

It is a four-letter word. A contraction. A combination of "can" and "not". I tell the kids I work with that it is a swear word to my ears. Yet, it is a word that rules our lives (not just mine, I hope).

I spent a good portion of my life fitting into the Robbie-shaped hole that I created for myself in this world. There are certain parts of my personality which are "me", parts of my personality which I fully embrace. I like sunshine and daisies, I like to laugh, talk, and have fun. I think about things (a lot, sometimes), and I feel like I am always pushing myself to something better. There are also parts of "me" that I have learned truly are a part of me, even if I wish they weren't. I like (love) (need) to be in control. My need to be in control can make me seem overbearing at times. I have paralyzing fear of the unknown. I try to resolve that fear by, well, being in control. I can be a bit impulsive. I also am not as empathetic as I wish I was. But, oh, well. These characteristics, the good and the bad, are all rolled up and make me who I am.

Then there are the parts of my life which are "not me". There are things I haven't done, things I haven't even tried, because they don't fit the construct of who I believe I am. I don't see myself as being or doing a certain thing, therefore, I have often refused to even try. I am not a runner. I am not an adventurous eater. I am not bold enough to speak up, especially if what I have to say isn't very nice. I am not bold enough to speak up in encouragement to others because I worry that it might just not be my place. I am not a leader. It isn't that I don't want to be some of these things, it is that I worried because I didn't think I could.

I have, at times, thought of myself as a paradox, because just when I think I am one way, I can find something to contradict that and I can see myself in a different way...i.e., leader vs. follower. How complex is that? If I can't even keep up with myself, how can anyone else???


Instead of trying to figure out the paradox (a losing battle), I am focusing on my "can'ts". I don't want to fit into the Robbie-sized hole if the borders consist of "can'ts". "I can't do ____, therefore I won't do____." That is no way to live.


This is one reason I began running. I have NEVER, EVER been a runner. To think of me being a "runner" was simply the most ridiculous, asinine thing I could think of. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, within my mental construct of myself which contains the descriptor "runner". Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And then, I stare down the barrel of my family history. Diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, cancer. Hmmmm. I step on the scale. What is my BMI??? Oh, good Lord, that isn't a real good number, is it?

Why can't I run? My legs work. Yes, they work. I can breathe. Sure, it is hard breathing when I am running (panting, at times). What do I need to run? Shoes. I have shoes. Pavement. Plenty all around me. A treadmill. In the basement. A gym membership. I have that too. So, why not?


Because I don't have time. Because I am tired. Because I want to watch this show, and I can always go tomorrow. Because it is hard. Bottom line: Because I don't want to. I am NOT a runner, folks. I am a COUCH POTATO, remember? Destined to be overweight, a sloth, with pre-diabetes knocking on my door in 15-20 short years. Have you ever believed such things about yourself? Have you ever become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I know that I have. I have lived every aspect of my life as I thought I would. And I know why....it is because I have felt as though I CAN'T do anything to change it.

Why not?

Now, please understand, just because I am taking "can't" out of the equation does not mean I am eliminating "won't". There are things I just simply won't do. Not because I CAN'T. I WON'T.


Skydiving--this is a won't. There are things that are simply too scary for me to be fun, and this is one of them. Perhaps if I am told I only have weeks to live, maybe I'll consider it, but not before then.

Eating Mayonnaise--big WON'T. It is nasty and gross, and it just might kill me.

Compromising my "me-ness" for acceptance--no way. WON'T do it. Tried it a few times, felt like a fakey-fakey and wasn't really accepted anyway. Waste of time.

Living with regrets--Nope, won't do that either. I can't go back and change anything about what happened in the past. I know that most often, I try to live in a way I can be proud of. Sure, I screw up sometimes, but I have determined that it is human nature to screw up, to be a jerk sometimes. Wasting precious energy trying to wish away my human nature is another waste of time.

And while we are on the topic...wasting time. I won't do that either. At this phase of my life, there is always something to do. If I waste my time, I will just have more to do. So, I figure, better get busy!

But I still have a lot of can'ts. I need to keep working on those. The can'ts limit us, they hold us back from reaching our goals.


Don't let can't rule.

Out of orbit

Yesterday marked 12 years of life without mom. There were e-mails, phone calls, and texts yesterday, among our family members touching base with each other, making sure everyone was having an OK day. "I love you's" were spoken, texted, or communicated in our own, "non-sappy" German-heritage way. I began to reflect upon how deep the loss of someone who was so central was, and continues to be, on so many people. I think of each of us as separate planets, and my mom was the sun. She was the force around which we rotated, she was the force that held our universe together. If you take the sun away, the planets have nothing to orient to, no central force to keep them organized and together. Each planet does what they must to survive, initially, but as time goes on, each planet does what they must to thrive again, even in the absence of their sun. But that takes time. It takes time to learn how to flourish again, how to truly live without your sun. But each year, on that one day, the planets reach toward the center, their hands brush against one another, and they remember. They remember life when their sun was there. They remember that each planet misses the sun for their own reasons, and they remember to reach out and care for one another, in the same way they did at the beginning. And that reaching toward the center makes the sun feel real again.


That is what yesterday did for me. There is something so incredibly bittersweet about February 8. Yes, it was absolutely the worst day of my life. I have never, ever (and God willing, will never again) experienced grief so raw, so deep, it was to. the. core. But February 8 is also a celebration. It is a day when she is at the front of my mind. It is a day to remember her, to honor her, and to reflect on the deep impact she had on my own life. It is a day to reach out and comfort the others who are missing her just as much as I am. It is a day to laugh, a day to feel joy, and it really is a day to celebrate. To celebrate her. To celebrate her life. To celebrate that I made it a whole 'nother year without her, and I did OK. To celebrate that I am one year closer to seeing her again (God willing, there, too :).

Disclaimer: the whole planet thing is a little hippy-dippy, but I just couldn't get that out of my mind. And it really does fit. She was the center of our lives. And we (immediate and extended family) have spent the past 12 years trying to figure out how to not just function, but flourish, without her.

Every year, as the 8th approaches, I feel a strange mix of dread and anticipation. Some years, I treat it almost as a birthday...if you know me, you know how much I love birthdays. I figure, the worst thing that has ever happened to me (God willing, it stays that way) happened to me on this date, I deserve a free pass every February 8 from here until I am gone. So, I pamper myself, treat myself.

This year, I did no such thing...

I woke up feeling more dread than anticipation, and the whole day was full of Murphy's Law-type experiences. At 8:00 am, as I am just arriving to work, the state department shows up for a routine survey of our home care business. Not a big deal, we are in compliance, but it is always one of those *Holy crap!* events. At 8:15, as I am bending down to retrieve some items out of my work bag, the underwire of my bra snaps. Grrreeeaaat. My favorite bra...At 9:00 am, I look at my schedule and realize that I will most likely have two patients at the same time come at 11, so I work with our (fantastic) administrative assistant, and she helps me get it squared away. However, one of the patients is IRATE! Oh, gee, super! I am giving up my lunch hour (when I was going to buy a new bra) to an irate patient...Can't wait! I then decide to log into my bank account to make sure all of the bills I set up on bill pay have gone through. Oh, they did, and the flex deposit I thought would go in on Tuesday wasn't there...so I had $.18 in my checking account. Great! Run to the bank (no new bra for me today) and throw some money in. I had a very busy, booked solid day at work, and at 3:00 pm, between patients, I use the restroom. As I am washing my hands, something catches my eye. Something gross, you know what I mean right?, is stuck inside my nostril. Oh, gee I wonder how long THAT has been there?!!!? How many patients and parents have seen me walkin' around today with a giant booger hanging out of my nose? I deal with one more somewhat angry parent, and the day is finally done.

I might stay in bed next year.

It wasn't a great day yesterday, but it did get to be kind of funny, and I imagined that my mom may have had a hand in it all. If she didn't orchestrate it, she sure would have been laughing her ass off at my expense!

In reflecting upon 12 years without her, I have come to a greater understanding of how her loss has impacted me, and I have also come to realize that there will forever be a part of me that lies empty. I used to compare her loss to a gaping wound. That wound will eventually form a scab. The scab will crack occasionally and bleed, but will finally heal. That wound will be pink, and it won't take much to make it bleed, but eventually, the tough skin will grow over it. The scar will always be there, but underneath, everything will be as it was.

I am finding that analogy to be false, at least for me. Instead, I feel that there is a big, empty hole in my heart. I have been waiting and waiting for it to be filled, and I try to fill it. I try to fill it with kids, work, you know, the busy-ness of daily life. But it is never filled. I think this year, I have come to terms with that notion, and I am pretty close to simply accepting that.

If you talk to people who have lost their mothers at a young age, it is a common thread. The sense of emptiness, the missing link in the chain. When you lose your mother when you are old, does it feel the same? Or is it somehow easier to accept because it is part of the natural cycle of life? Questions, questions, that I will never have the answers to.

Instead, I will choose to celebrate her.

AND wear a new bra, make sure I have money in the checkbook, and keep my nose clean :)