Breaking the cycle of shame

OK, I'm going to get a little bit serious here, so watch out! Because I am all a-flustered tonight. I have recently become aware of some attitudes of people that I so vehemently disagree with, I simply cannot believe how some people actually think! This has to do with how we discuss sex, drinking, drug use and other related topics with our kids. I have been a mom for the past 11 years, and nothing has made my palms sweat more than the idea that I may have to have the "big talk" with my kids someday. For awhile, I thought I could maybe just get away with letting the school handle it. But, FOR ME (this is not a judgement, folks), it just felt like the easy way out. I believed, begrudgingly, however, that the news of the birds and the bees would be better tolerated and understood if it came from a parent. I have believed, ever since becoming a parent, that "if you make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal". So, with this mindset, I dutifully taught my kids the proper terminology for their body parts, I answer all of their questions about bodies, kissing, sex, breastfeeding, alcohol use, cigarette use, and drug use in an honest and frank manner. I don't push the topic. I don't bring it up randomly over dinner. But when they ask, they get an answer. I am not blushing, stammering, giggling, or beating around the bush. I have been talking with the boys about drinking, drugs, and smoking fairly regularly for the past 2 years. And I have discussed sex to the extent that I believe they can handle at their ages. I have discussed the importance of responsibility, self-respect, and respect for others, and this is the cornerstone of these discussions. I have been on the receiving end of a fair amount of grief for doing this. Why do I do this? Why is this so important to me? I know why, and I'll tell ya... Growing up, there were so many things that just weren't discussed. "If you come home drunk, you won't see outside of your bedroom walls for a month". Well, guess what I did...I found ways (unsafe ways, I might add) to come home drunk without getting caught (well, I did get caught a few times). "If you get pregnant, you're outta this house". So, I had no one to talk to about sex, birth control, etc. I am simply darn lucky I didn't get caught. And I had to go through some pretty uncomfortable stuff to take care of myself, to make sure I didn't become another statistic of teen pregnancy. Now, don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a supportive household, and had a close relationship with my mom. But there were things we JUST. DIDN'T. TALK. ABOUT. I have a fairly good head on my shoulders, so I was able to figure a lot of this stuff out on my own. I managed to graduate from high school as an honor student, graduate from college, get married, have babies 2.5 years after the ring was on the finger, have a clean criminal record, a clean driving record (except for that first pesky speeding ticket I got a month ago), a house, a job, etc. But, I don't want to put that burden on my kids. I don't want to leave them to "figure it out" at the tender age of 16. I don't want them to drive home with someone who was drinking, or drive themselves home, simply because they fear I will kill them if there is liquor on their breath. I don't want them to make choices involving sex that will result in a lifetime of undesired responsibility, simply because they didn't know any better. Now, I am certainly not advocating for permissiveness. However, I truly believe that the more I arm my kids with knowledge, true, honest knowledge, that isn't skewed by my own opinions or issues, I believe I am giving them a gift that will last a lifetime. So instead of asking me why, I ask why everyone seems to have such a hard time talking to their kids about this? I have a theory: My theory is shame. I think so many of us were raised to be ashamed of our bodies, we were raised to listen and don't ask questions. We were raised to believe that sex was bad, drinking was bad, drugs were bad. But did your parents take the time to tell you WHY? Because, here's the thing, all of the things we tell our kids are BAD, become awfully darn tempting during the rebellious teenage years. All of the shame that was heaped onto us, and was heaped onto our parents, and onto their parents....And I think there are an awful lot of grown-ups who are carrying around that shame, and passing it along to our kids. Who really WANTS to have the birds and the bees talk with their kids? Of course it's uncomfortable, of course it is awkward. But guess what? That cycle of shame is gonna stop with me. I refuse to pass that along to my kids. I realize that I am just at the very beginnings of some very challenging years in terms of child rearing. In two years, Alex will be a teenager, and there will be many, many difficult choices and situations that he, and then Cameron, and eventually Lilly, will have to face. And I am not preaching here that MY kids will never drink, have sex, get a girl pregnant, get pregnant or get involved with drugs. But I DO believe that I am setting them up to make safe choices for these very difficult situations that today's adolescents face. I am giving them the tools they will need, at an early age, to make decisions that they are comfortable and confident in. And for those who think that it is "sickening" or "gross", you can have your opinion, but you sure aren't going to change mine. Why do I do this? Because I love my kids. I love them more than I hate having the birds and the bees talk. I love them more than I want to turn a blind eye to the very real pressures of drug and alcohol use among teenagers. And I will love them, no matter what, whether they heed my words or not. I will be their safe place to land. Always and forever.