Can't

It is a four-letter word. A contraction. A combination of "can" and "not". I tell the kids I work with that it is a swear word to my ears. Yet, it is a word that rules our lives (not just mine, I hope).

I spent a good portion of my life fitting into the Robbie-shaped hole that I created for myself in this world. There are certain parts of my personality which are "me", parts of my personality which I fully embrace. I like sunshine and daisies, I like to laugh, talk, and have fun. I think about things (a lot, sometimes), and I feel like I am always pushing myself to something better. There are also parts of "me" that I have learned truly are a part of me, even if I wish they weren't. I like (love) (need) to be in control. My need to be in control can make me seem overbearing at times. I have paralyzing fear of the unknown. I try to resolve that fear by, well, being in control. I can be a bit impulsive. I also am not as empathetic as I wish I was. But, oh, well. These characteristics, the good and the bad, are all rolled up and make me who I am.

Then there are the parts of my life which are "not me". There are things I haven't done, things I haven't even tried, because they don't fit the construct of who I believe I am. I don't see myself as being or doing a certain thing, therefore, I have often refused to even try. I am not a runner. I am not an adventurous eater. I am not bold enough to speak up, especially if what I have to say isn't very nice. I am not bold enough to speak up in encouragement to others because I worry that it might just not be my place. I am not a leader. It isn't that I don't want to be some of these things, it is that I worried because I didn't think I could.

I have, at times, thought of myself as a paradox, because just when I think I am one way, I can find something to contradict that and I can see myself in a different way...i.e., leader vs. follower. How complex is that? If I can't even keep up with myself, how can anyone else???


Instead of trying to figure out the paradox (a losing battle), I am focusing on my "can'ts". I don't want to fit into the Robbie-sized hole if the borders consist of "can'ts". "I can't do ____, therefore I won't do____." That is no way to live.


This is one reason I began running. I have NEVER, EVER been a runner. To think of me being a "runner" was simply the most ridiculous, asinine thing I could think of. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, within my mental construct of myself which contains the descriptor "runner". Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And then, I stare down the barrel of my family history. Diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, cancer. Hmmmm. I step on the scale. What is my BMI??? Oh, good Lord, that isn't a real good number, is it?

Why can't I run? My legs work. Yes, they work. I can breathe. Sure, it is hard breathing when I am running (panting, at times). What do I need to run? Shoes. I have shoes. Pavement. Plenty all around me. A treadmill. In the basement. A gym membership. I have that too. So, why not?


Because I don't have time. Because I am tired. Because I want to watch this show, and I can always go tomorrow. Because it is hard. Bottom line: Because I don't want to. I am NOT a runner, folks. I am a COUCH POTATO, remember? Destined to be overweight, a sloth, with pre-diabetes knocking on my door in 15-20 short years. Have you ever believed such things about yourself? Have you ever become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I know that I have. I have lived every aspect of my life as I thought I would. And I know why....it is because I have felt as though I CAN'T do anything to change it.

Why not?

Now, please understand, just because I am taking "can't" out of the equation does not mean I am eliminating "won't". There are things I just simply won't do. Not because I CAN'T. I WON'T.


Skydiving--this is a won't. There are things that are simply too scary for me to be fun, and this is one of them. Perhaps if I am told I only have weeks to live, maybe I'll consider it, but not before then.

Eating Mayonnaise--big WON'T. It is nasty and gross, and it just might kill me.

Compromising my "me-ness" for acceptance--no way. WON'T do it. Tried it a few times, felt like a fakey-fakey and wasn't really accepted anyway. Waste of time.

Living with regrets--Nope, won't do that either. I can't go back and change anything about what happened in the past. I know that most often, I try to live in a way I can be proud of. Sure, I screw up sometimes, but I have determined that it is human nature to screw up, to be a jerk sometimes. Wasting precious energy trying to wish away my human nature is another waste of time.

And while we are on the topic...wasting time. I won't do that either. At this phase of my life, there is always something to do. If I waste my time, I will just have more to do. So, I figure, better get busy!

But I still have a lot of can'ts. I need to keep working on those. The can'ts limit us, they hold us back from reaching our goals.


Don't let can't rule.