It’s here

I used to listen to stories of parents who were shuffling their kids all over God’s creation for activities. 

I am now telling those stories.

It has been oh-so-long since I updated my poor blog.  But I have been BUSY! 

June/July:  Totally and completely consumed with baseball.  Alex played in one league which played Monday/Wednesday, and had three weekend tournaments.  Cameron played Sundays with three weekend scrimmages or tournaments.  It was SO.MUCH.FUN, and for the first time in my life, all of that hustle and bustle did not seem like drudgery to me.  Cameron is on a 10 and under team with a lot of his classmates.  It was fun to watch those boys work together and play together.  They will probably be together for a few years, so it will be really fun to watch them develop.  Alex was on a CS Little League team, one of 8 Cold Spring teams.  He had the good fortune of being on a pretty good team, and they made it all the way to the championship game for the league.  Sadly, they didn’t win, but the ride sure was fun!

August:  A few deep breaths after the running of baseball, but then we had our week of vacation at the cabin.  Ed’s uncle and aunt have a great cabin up near Erskine, MN (a 3 1/2 hour drive).  They let us stay there for a week, and boy, did we have FUN!  It was a great time for us to reconnect as a family, something we didn’t think we needed, but in retrospect, we sure did!  We played and ate and relaxed for one whole week!  The rest of August was busy with odds and ends.  Nothing big, but still busy.

September:  The end of an era!  We officially gave up our spots at our daycare.  Saying goodbye to Tracy, our daycare provider, was so, so hard.  She has taken care (and really, really good care, I might add) of our kids for 5 years.  It was hard for the kids, for me, and for Tracy.  Just one of those milestones that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but was such an eye opener to me of how fast this time is going!  And on that note, we now have a SIXTH grader, a FIFTH grader, and a FIRST grader!!!  Good Lord!  Alex is starting his “Rule the School” year at St. Boniface, and will head to middle school next year.  Wow.

So that was my last four months in a nutshell!  It is busy and crazy and never, ever boring.  The ride is wild, but I hope to stay on it as long as possible!

Musings upon turning 25, uh, I mean, 36.

36.  Holy smokes.  That is getting up there.  Rounding the corner to 40.  40?!?!?!  ME?!?!?!?!  It just doesn’t seem right.  I don’t feel one bit different (other than wiser, definitely wiser) than I felt 10 years ago.  My body feels the same, my spirit feels the same. I feel like, well, Me.  I feel like I really shouldn’t even be old enough to talk about 10 years ago, let alone, to have 10 years ago feel like it was yesterday.  But here I am, 36 years after the day I entered the world. 

Some things about me are so much the same as they were during my first few birthdays:  I love to gab, I love basking in the sunshine, I love kicking anyone’s butt at any type of board game, I love to be with the ones I love, I love random information that is unnecessarily stored at the top of my mind (think state capitals…).  Today, I sat on my log swing, under my favorite maple tree, with the sun in my face and the wind in my hair, and I was smitten.  That moment, that is just so, me. 

But there are things about me that I can see have developed (I won’t say ‘changed” because I would be admitting defeat on a 18-year argument between Ed and I):  I feel more comfortable with who I am, misgivings, faults, and all.  I used to be ashamed of my faults, wished I didn't have them, wished they weren’t a part of me.  But I have realized that people are peppered with strengths and weaknesses.  There are certain faults I have that I don’t think will change, so I have instead given the world a “love it or leave it” approach.  I used to think that the world would just fall into my lap, with everything I have ever wanted.  I know I work hard and that I am a good person, and a part of me believed (really, really believed) that because of those two things, that I would be set.  But now, I have determined the importance of setting priorities, and pouring my heart and soul into the things that really matter to ME, since I realized it is unrealistic for me to have it all.  In the past, I have held people to standards that they were possibly not aware of, and I would be disappointed over and over again because they didn’t live up to my expectations (which they knew nothing of).  I have since determined the importance of forgiveness, and try to not hold people to standards that they cannot or will not live up to (still working on this one).  I used to believe that my family, friends, my world of people would always be there for me, whenever I needed or wanted them.  Even if it would be three months (three years) before I spent time with them.  I have learned that NOW is the time to spend, because that person won’t always be there.  And my life has become richer (not busier) when I realized that. 

In the past 36 years, I have been on top of the world, at the bottom of the heap, and all places in between.  So, even though I am not thrilled to leave 35 behind (can’t I just stay there forever???), I face this new year of life with a soul at peace (mostly), a heart full of love, and a better recognition of who I really am.  And I kinda like myself :) What a good place to be!

To another 36 (and hopefully more than that) years!!!

Finally!

Finally, we had a weekend at home!  I don’t even know the last time that we had a weekend with no place to be, nothing going on.  It was so nice to just hang out here.  The weekend wasn’t completely without activity, Ed and I did run a 5k yesterday morning (Saturday), in the pouring rain!  Cameron did the 1k.  But we were out from about 9:15 until noon, and that was it.  Then, I got the house clean, laundry done, and then off to my Grandma’s for my weekly visit.  Today, I made an executive decision to skip church so we all could just be home in our PJ’s.  Bread was baked, brownies made, and I took time to cook a nice supper.  I played on my guitar so long, my fingertips feel funny as I’m typing, and I am starting a book.  This was a great weekend, the tail end of a great week!

The kids are preparing for their last week of school this week.  Hard to believe another school year has gone by.  I will now have a 6th grader, a 5th grader, and a 1st grader.  Holy cow!!!!  When did my babies get so big!?!?!?!  They have all had a pretty good school year. 

Alex ended strong this year, after having kind of a tough go of things the past few months.  We have figured out a few things that have helped him with his reading, and subsequently his math.  I am hoping to have him do a lot of reading this summer so that he can start 6th grade ready to roll.  Alex was in St. Boniface Baseball, which entailed of games on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:30, and practices on Wednesdays.  He also was on the speech team, with practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3:30-4:45.  And to top it off, he was still in choir.  April was so crazy, I didn’t know if I was comin’ or goin’ between getting him to all of his activities, managing my own work and household needs!  He had a pretty tough season for St. B’s, but the weather was often cold during the games, and he is a boy who does not like the cold!  This summer, Alex is playing on a travel baseball team, and they will play 2 nights a week and have a handful of tournaments on the weekends.

Cameron is winding down his fourth grade year.  He has not been in any spring activities (have to be in 5th grade for bball, and speech/choir…not his thing!).  He is playing on a travel ball team this summer as well.  They practice on Sunday nights, and will be having some scrimmages against other travel teams and he will be in a few tournaments, too.

Lilly is much the same.  She is looking forward to spending the summer at daycare with all of her friends.  She had a fantastic year at school, and I ‘m sure kindergarten will be something she will never forget.  She is reading so very well, spelling out many of her own words when writing, and is learning a little math, too!  She is still my cuddler and is a most fantastic helper around the house.

Hoping to get the garden in next weekend and some flowers planted..  Then it will really be summer around here!

Having it all

Seems like everyone wants to have it all.  A perfect life, filled with perfect people and perfect things.  Good health, happiness, people who love you, people who you love, well-behaved children who are kind and good, a beautiful home with Pottery Barn furniture (all matching, of course), a nice car, and all of the things you could ask for. 

But, does anyone really have it all?  There are a few, I bet.  I have encountered a few people who truly seem to have it all.  And when I see those people, it is hard to keep my pangs of envy quiet (why not me?  Why can’t I have it all?).  But then I try to remember that my lack of having it all is in part, a reflection on the choices I have made.  I chose to start my family when I was young (24 to be precise).  I was barely on my own two feet, let alone, to begin supporting two more feet!  I wouldn’t change it for the world, don’t get me wrong, But it came with a price.  I am a co-owner in my company, which is quite an investment.  So while other people are out buying furniture and grown-up toys, I am buying a business.  Not a bad deal, but it doesn’t provide me with the instant gratification I would like.  I choose to use my fun money to send my kids to a Catholic School because, as a product of Catholic Education, I feel that the outcome will be well worth it.

So, those are reasons why I don’t have it all.  And when I think about it that way, I can make peace with all I feel I am missing.  Because I wouldn’t choose it any other way.

I think a lot of people expect to have it all, regardless of the choices they make.  They forget that for every action, there is a reaction.  People feel entitled to luxuries that their choices have prevented them from having.  People feel entitled to have it all because their outward appearance is more important to them than their own internal satisfaction-meter.  I think that in this day and age, entitlement is running rampant in our society, and we are creating kids who believe they are entitled to all that the world has to offer.  There are kids who believe they deserve this-or-that simply because of who they are.  I fear what type of adults some of these kids will become.  (I could now step up onto my soapbox about parenting, but I will save that for another post).

So, in the meantime, I am truly finding a place of comfort in my own little world.  I have recognized how the choices I have made have prevented me from having it all RIGHT NOW (but I DO believe I will have it all, well maybe not ALL, but a lot more SOMEDAY).  I have also realized that instead of focusing on what I don’t have in my life, I am so much better off focusing on what I DO have.  I have a roof over my head, I have great kids (most of the time), I have a great marriage, a great job, great friends and family.  Who could ask for more???

Limits

Today, I spoke with a lady from the school on the phone. Lilly is a participant in an educational study, where they follow her academic development from k-5th grade. So twice a year, I am interviewed by a person. The interviews are quite in-depth, ranging from Lilly's academic performance, social-emotional development, our discipline strategy, my own mental health (yes, really), how much time each of us spends with her, etc. I was asked a question today that I am chewing on. She asked me if I have any physical or psychological issues that limit my ability to work. I did say "no", but it got me thinking about limits. I realized how fortunate I am to not be limited. I can work a FULL, 12-hour day (my Wednesdays, currently), busy with patient care--so I am on my feet much of the day. I can manage that busy day without going crazy (I do have a "mother's little helper", a 24 oz coffee at 2:30 in the afternoon on Wednesdays). I can come home and provide care to my kids. I can even muster up the energy to get a little exerise (only if I have to on Wednesdays...I generally exercise on Tuesday/Thursday). It isn't perfect. There are things I miss, but all in all, I am unlimited. And then I really began to think about how much I hate to be limited. I have always approached my life with a "why not?" instead of an "I can't". How hard would it be for me if I couldn't? And I don't just mean the big things that limit a person (being in a wheelchair, becoming ill, etc.). Even the little things: stress, anxiety, sadness, selfishness, irritability, insecurity. Those are limits too. And, as I compose that list, I know that some of those things limit me. I suppose they limit everyone to an extent. And, while I preach about this limitless glory out of one side of my mouth, out of the other side of my mouth, I realize it is important to know where my limits are. That is a very interesting paradox, don't you think? Perhaps the best thing I can do is recognize my limits, my boundaries, the lines that, if I cross them, what consequences will be had. Freedom within structure. I am believing more and more that we can each control our destiny. I believe more and more in self-fulfilling prophecies (I will never, I could never). I am working on eliminating the I can'ts, I won'ts to help me to live a life of freedom within my structure. I think this is what they mean when they say "life without limits". How lucky I am to be living that!!!

Breaking the cycle of shame

OK, I'm going to get a little bit serious here, so watch out! Because I am all a-flustered tonight. I have recently become aware of some attitudes of people that I so vehemently disagree with, I simply cannot believe how some people actually think! This has to do with how we discuss sex, drinking, drug use and other related topics with our kids. I have been a mom for the past 11 years, and nothing has made my palms sweat more than the idea that I may have to have the "big talk" with my kids someday. For awhile, I thought I could maybe just get away with letting the school handle it. But, FOR ME (this is not a judgement, folks), it just felt like the easy way out. I believed, begrudgingly, however, that the news of the birds and the bees would be better tolerated and understood if it came from a parent. I have believed, ever since becoming a parent, that "if you make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal". So, with this mindset, I dutifully taught my kids the proper terminology for their body parts, I answer all of their questions about bodies, kissing, sex, breastfeeding, alcohol use, cigarette use, and drug use in an honest and frank manner. I don't push the topic. I don't bring it up randomly over dinner. But when they ask, they get an answer. I am not blushing, stammering, giggling, or beating around the bush. I have been talking with the boys about drinking, drugs, and smoking fairly regularly for the past 2 years. And I have discussed sex to the extent that I believe they can handle at their ages. I have discussed the importance of responsibility, self-respect, and respect for others, and this is the cornerstone of these discussions. I have been on the receiving end of a fair amount of grief for doing this. Why do I do this? Why is this so important to me? I know why, and I'll tell ya... Growing up, there were so many things that just weren't discussed. "If you come home drunk, you won't see outside of your bedroom walls for a month". Well, guess what I did...I found ways (unsafe ways, I might add) to come home drunk without getting caught (well, I did get caught a few times). "If you get pregnant, you're outta this house". So, I had no one to talk to about sex, birth control, etc. I am simply darn lucky I didn't get caught. And I had to go through some pretty uncomfortable stuff to take care of myself, to make sure I didn't become another statistic of teen pregnancy. Now, don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a supportive household, and had a close relationship with my mom. But there were things we JUST. DIDN'T. TALK. ABOUT. I have a fairly good head on my shoulders, so I was able to figure a lot of this stuff out on my own. I managed to graduate from high school as an honor student, graduate from college, get married, have babies 2.5 years after the ring was on the finger, have a clean criminal record, a clean driving record (except for that first pesky speeding ticket I got a month ago), a house, a job, etc. But, I don't want to put that burden on my kids. I don't want to leave them to "figure it out" at the tender age of 16. I don't want them to drive home with someone who was drinking, or drive themselves home, simply because they fear I will kill them if there is liquor on their breath. I don't want them to make choices involving sex that will result in a lifetime of undesired responsibility, simply because they didn't know any better. Now, I am certainly not advocating for permissiveness. However, I truly believe that the more I arm my kids with knowledge, true, honest knowledge, that isn't skewed by my own opinions or issues, I believe I am giving them a gift that will last a lifetime. So instead of asking me why, I ask why everyone seems to have such a hard time talking to their kids about this? I have a theory: My theory is shame. I think so many of us were raised to be ashamed of our bodies, we were raised to listen and don't ask questions. We were raised to believe that sex was bad, drinking was bad, drugs were bad. But did your parents take the time to tell you WHY? Because, here's the thing, all of the things we tell our kids are BAD, become awfully darn tempting during the rebellious teenage years. All of the shame that was heaped onto us, and was heaped onto our parents, and onto their parents....And I think there are an awful lot of grown-ups who are carrying around that shame, and passing it along to our kids. Who really WANTS to have the birds and the bees talk with their kids? Of course it's uncomfortable, of course it is awkward. But guess what? That cycle of shame is gonna stop with me. I refuse to pass that along to my kids. I realize that I am just at the very beginnings of some very challenging years in terms of child rearing. In two years, Alex will be a teenager, and there will be many, many difficult choices and situations that he, and then Cameron, and eventually Lilly, will have to face. And I am not preaching here that MY kids will never drink, have sex, get a girl pregnant, get pregnant or get involved with drugs. But I DO believe that I am setting them up to make safe choices for these very difficult situations that today's adolescents face. I am giving them the tools they will need, at an early age, to make decisions that they are comfortable and confident in. And for those who think that it is "sickening" or "gross", you can have your opinion, but you sure aren't going to change mine. Why do I do this? Because I love my kids. I love them more than I hate having the birds and the bees talk. I love them more than I want to turn a blind eye to the very real pressures of drug and alcohol use among teenagers. And I will love them, no matter what, whether they heed my words or not. I will be their safe place to land. Always and forever.

Ode to Mumford & Sons

A few months ago, my friend, Leslie, shared a CD with me that she thought I would like. It was the first CD by a band called Mumford and Sons. When I first listened to it, I thought it was good, yes, but it didn't strike me deeply. The more I listened, however, the more it resonated with me. The music itself is kind of a blend of bluegrass-y, folk-y, Irish-type music. The lyrics, however, are some of the most fantastic lyrics I have ever laid ears upon!

The band has pulled tidbits from Shakespeare and Steinbeck, smattered with all kinds of biblical and spiritual references. Listening to Mumford is like watching a treasure candle burn (remember the treasure candles of the mid-1990's?) Each time you listen, you stumble upon a lyrical treasure, something you had never heard before, or maybe you heard it, but never pondered it. There are layers upon layers of meaning, and so many possibilities for interpretation. Their music is truly art. I could listen to this CD over and over again, and I swear, never tire from it.

"Love, it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you; it will set you free"
"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears"
"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life"
"Stars, light your fires, these are my desires"
"The shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved, was the same that sent me into your arms"
"Death is at your doorstep; and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance"
"You have your choices; And these are what make men great; his ladder to the stars" (from Timshel, which is loaded with references from Steinbeck's East of Eden...very, very cool)
"Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown; I know you have felt much more love than you've shown"
"In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we will die; the way you invest your love, you invest your life"
"You were made to meet your maker"
"Your oppression reeks of your greed and disgrace; so one man has and another has not, how can you love what it is you have got? When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor; Liars and thieves; you don't know what is in store." (a la Grapes of Wrath)
"Seal my heart and break my pride; I've nowhere to stand, and now I've nowhere to hide; align my heart, my body, my mind; to face what I've got and do my time"
"On my knees and out of luck, I look up"
"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears; And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears; Get over your hill and you'll see, what you find there; With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"

Some of my favorite lines...

I can't imagine having this level of creativity...these are gifted songwriters and performers, and I'm sure we will be hearing lots more from this band.

This music has been such a gift to me. I truly love music, but have been having a hard time finding music that makes me feel. And that is what I have always loved about music. I love how it can move me, make me think. This music does just that. It seems to be the perfect fit for me and where I am at in my life. Thanks, Leslie, for the CD!

This is some good, good stuff!