Googley Schmoogley

Lillian Diane Holen

AKA: Lilly, Lil, Lillers, Lillian D, Sweet Pea, Sweet Peadle, Peadle Deedle, Googey, Googley, Googley Bear, Googley Schmoogley, Googs, Googs Schmoogs.

Ever since I had kids, I worked a 4-day week. So, for the past 10 years, I have always had a child at home with me.

After Cameron went to kindergarten almost 4 years ago, I discovered the wonders of having just one child in my care, something not experienced since Alex was born (Alex and Cameron are 19 months apart....). I tried hard to enjoy those days with just one child, and as of this week, they are officially over. The boys will be home now each Monday until school starts, and once school starts, the Googley Bear will be in school too. Don't misunderstand, I enjoy having the boys home, and I know I will definitely get more accomplished because they will be home.

But it is the end of an era for me. The end of "special days" as Cameron called them, the year he was home with me when Alex was in kindergarten (Lilly was just a baby then, so Cameron got a lot of individual attention, too).

Last Monday, I made sure to play with her...we played a board game, Polly Pockets, and we did mani-pedis. We watched the "Sound of Musnic" (as she calls it), and I tried really hard to make it just a little more special than our regular special days.

The last picture I posted I snapped about five minutes before the boys came home from school...marking the end of this era for me.

It's bittersweet.

Back in the Saddle

WHEW!

It has been such a busy past few weeks/months, and now, since all of the activity has died down, I can begin to get back on track.

I am a person who likes to have a lot of things going on, it keeps me on my toes. But, quite honestly, I think I was a bit over-stretched during the past few months with all kinds of different things. I have been stressed out, over-busy, and a bit unfocused. I am SO looking forward to the next few weeks, since there isn't much going on, the weather is beautiful, and of course, there is my birthday (!!) which will be here before I know it.

A brief summary of what has been happening:

March--Dance begins--practice every Saturday morning. I then, usually, had things to do after dance practice, so generally, I didn't get home until later in the afternoon.

Not to mention, Ed being gone all the time for taxes.

Also, I helped arrange the food for the Boni Ball this year again, so lots of e-mails and phone calls to get ready for this.

May 1--Dance recital. This went so well this year, but that is a full day of activity. Lots of running around to pick up last-minute items.

May 2--Shower for Eva (Rick's wife) in Minnetonka

May 3--Work at home, Cameron home sick with stomach flu, I only had about 4 hours of sleep

May 4--just a normal day at work, Cameron still sick, but Ed stayed home with him

May 5--Workshop in Minneapolis--drove to and from

May 6--Workshop in Minneapolis--drove to and from. When I got home, I needed to pick up my dress from the seamstress who altered it.

May 7--Set up for Boni Ball (9-12), then to the cities for the wedding.

May 8--Wedding!!!!

May 9--Took the kids to the MOA for the morning, then finally home

May 10--Work from home, get a million loads of laundry done and try to get a grip on the housework around here.

May 11-present: Nothing too new going on, still trying to get my head on straight.

So, now, I am feeling like my head is almost on straight. I have the housework under control, almost have all of my paperwork at work under control. NOW, I can begin to move forward!!

Mothers' Day 2010

Mother's day is always a very special day for me. I get spoiled all day long! I am able to reflect on the impact my own mother has had on my life, and feel like part of "the club" of moms who get just one day each year to be honored for all that we do.

Here is my favorite picture of me and Lilly this weekend at Rick's wedding. And how fitting to get such a great mother-daughter picture just in time for Mothers' Day!

So, for as much as I would like to honor myself this Mothers' Day, I can't help but honor some very special moms.

Through my work, I encounter so many special moms. These moms, the moms to the kids who I have had the opportunity to be a part of their very special lives, these moms are some of the most remarkable ladies I have ever met.

This is a group to which I know I do not belong...there are things that these moms have had to deal with that I may never understand. But, I do recognize how special, how strong, and how fabulous these women are.

I found this passage on a site of a family who has a child with special needs, and from what I can see, this really does say it all for these ladies...

Why moms of kids with special needs are, well, special...

1. Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much, but we do do it all--and then some.

2. Because we discovered patience that we never knew we had.

3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times, or 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.

4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. Take THAT, naysaying doctors of the world.

5. Because we have bad days, breakdowns, and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.

6. Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, and the rude remarks (well, mostly gracefully).

7. Because we manage to get ourselves together and out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good!

8. Because we are strong. Man, are we strong! Who knew we could be this strong?!

9. Because we aren't just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches, and cheerleaders. Whew!

10. Because we work overtime every single day.

11. Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate, or Pirate's Booty, or gourmet cheese (which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities, but should be).

12. Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more.

13. Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our families. And, our hairstylists, of course.

14. Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.

15. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else--even if they can't talk; even if they can't gesture; even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.

16. Because we never stop pushing for our kids.

17. Because we never stop hoping for them, either.

18. Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal--even when it seems as though our heads or our hearts might explode.

19. Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids--not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.

To all moms...Happy Mothers' Day!!!!!!!!

Details

I am in one of those modes where I feel like I have too much on my plate. Everything I have going on will be intensifying over the next two weeks, then, BAM, it will all be over. I have my eyes on May 10, the first day without something going on.

Here's what I have...

Saturday-Our final dance performance. Since this is our fourth year doing this, I am hoping that it will run quite smoothly, and won't take up the mental and physical energy it has in the past. But, there are a lot of small details that I need to tend to (if you know me, you know how much I hate small details), and I get so nervous that I am going to forget something.

Friday, May 7- The Boni Ball...I have been on the food committee, and while I can't be present at the Boni Ball, I am not off the hook here. I have not gone to any meetings this year, which has helped me to balance things a bit better, but once again, I have small details to address (ordering plates, making sure the food order, drink order, etc) are accurate. Lots of phone calls...

Saturday, May 8- Rick (my brother's) wedding. This is going to be a lot of fun, and a really fun weekend, but I am a bridesmaid, and Lilly is a flower girl. So, again, details. I need to pick up my dress from the seamstress who is altering it, I need to get shoes, jewelry, and figure out how I am going to do my hair. I have to get Lilly's shoes and hair figured out, not to mention, making sure the boys have nice clothes to wear. Details, details, DETAILS!!!!!

As I get older, I am beginning to understand myself more, and I know that I am not meant for small details. I am a big thinker, global, one who comes up with the idea, but needs those detail people to carry it out. In a perfect Robbie world, there would be no details...I could simply think about it, and it would be done. But in the real world, the details are always pressing, and I can either avoid them-which could be disastrous, or I can continue to challenge myself to address these details.

But, man, I hate details.

Fear

"The only thing to fear...is fear itself". FDR

Fear is really something to be afraid of. I tend to worry...a lot...about things that are often-times out of my control. Or, I worry about anticipated events or stressors, and fear the fear that often accompanies them. It can be difficult to keep this fear in check at times.


Many times, fear, for me, is of the unknown. Things that I can't anticipate, things that I don't see coming, those kinds of things freak me out.

I have been feeling for the past few months that my life is missing something, is incomplete. It is a nagging feeling, like a quiet voice, whispering in my ear. The trouble is, I am afraid of change, and in order to listen to this nagging voice, changes will need to be made. So what to do? I am just trying to take things just one day at a time, and this seems to be working for me.

So here is the question...is fear enough of a reason to not make changes in your life? The answer is obvious, it is not. But, how many of us do not make changes in our lives because we are afraid? My assignment for myself is to overcome this fear, and do what I feel I need to do.

So, in other Holen news...

Tax season is finally over! Whew! So now, I am looking forward to having Ed home before 8:00 most nights. However, he is now, supposedly, quite behind at work, so he will be working later hours for the next few weeks to get caught up on things. So, it remains to be seen if he will actually be coming home at a reasonable time. Ed had a very good tax season, he did about 2x as many returns as he did last year. He also seemed to manage the work load quite well, better than he thought he would. So, all in all, it was a good tax season.

Alex is competing in the speech festival at his school on Saturday. He is doing a speech from a stand-up comedy routine by Brian Regan. It is very funny, and he generally has everyone in the room rolling with laughter. So I am excited to see him performing. Alex has always been just a little bit unlike other kids his age, which was a source of constant worry for me when he was younger. But now, I am beginning to see what Alex is able to do because he is unique. Getting up in front of people and delivering a funny speech without any stage fright is quite remarkable for a 10-year old boy. I am also hearing things from other people about the kind things that Alex does, such as hold doors open for adults, giving his chair to people, etc. He is a very thoughtful young man, and I am very proud of him!

Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, and now that the weather is nice, he constantly has grass stains on his jeans because of all of his diving and tackling. He will, occasionally, play a little baseball, but he insists that football is still his all-time favorite.

Lilly...Lilly. She is sitting right next to me jabbering my ear off. These Mondays, where I am working from home seem to be getting harder instead of easier, since she is constantly seeking my attention when she is the only one home. I am actually really looking forward to summer, since the boys will be home, and will be able to entertain her better than I can. She is winding down her preschool year, and will go to a 1/2 day of kindergarten to try it out and see what it is like. She is excited for kindergarten, but a little nervous, because she doesn't know how things will work. I keep telling her that she will figure it out, but that doesn't stop her from worrying about it.

Well, better run, the attention-seeker needs a little undivided attention!

"The silent killer..."

I learned of some very sad news last week...my Aunt (one of my Dad's sisters), was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My understanding is that the doctors initially thought it had been caught early enough to surgically remove the cancerous portion of her pancreas, but later discovered it had metastasized to her liver, making her condition inoperable, and likely untreatable. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is quite treatable when caught in the early stages. However, typically, it presents with very few symptoms, so it often goes undiscovered until it has spread. Thus, the name "the silent killer".

Please include her and the rest of my family in your prayers...

Our family, apparently, is no stranger to pancreatic cancer. My cousin, Michelle, died in 2006 at the age of 39 from pancreatic cancer. As far as I know, she had very few risk factors, she was young, healthy, and a runner. She learned of her cancer in January, and died in May. She has beautiful twins, who were not quite 18 months when she died (they were born the week before Lilly...) My great-aunt Melva (my dad's aunt) died in her 80's of pancreatic cancer, and my great-grandmother (my dad's grandmother) also died as a result of this cancer. I also had a great-uncle who died in his early 60's as a result of colon cancer.

So, worried, I turn to the internet...the trusty internet for some answers. I did find some valid information (deemed valid because several reputable internet sites reported similar information--Johns Hopkins, some cancer center in New York), which provided some information on Hereditary Pancreatic Cancer.

"Sweet," I think...I can find a little info, bring it to my doctor, and that will earn me at least yearly screenings so that if I develop this horrible illness, we can catch it and treat it.

Only to discover that there is no screening method for this cancer. There is research, and hopefully, one day in the future, there will be.

To further discover, that while it is the fourth leading cause of cancer deaths (again, because it is generally untreatable), it is a cancer whose research is sorely under-funded...

So, I am more than a bit nervous. For myself, yes. But for my children. For my sister and brothers. For my nephews and niece. For my cousins and their families. For my dad. For my aunts and uncles. It is a tragic, tragic disease, and a horrible way to die.

On top of that, I am just sad for my aunt that she has to go through this. Please keep our family in your prayers, and consider donating to the research happening for the screening and treatment of pancreatic cancer

http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas/support.php

Resiliency

-noun
1. The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity.

2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

I met this word as a sixth grader, when my teacher remarked that I was "resilient". I liked how it sounded, it sounded so much like brilliant (another favorite word of mine), so I knew it had to be good. When I discovered what it meant, I liked it even more, and realized that I must be a resilient person.

Resiliency is the ability to pick yourself up after you fall over and over again in the relentless pursuit of a goal. It is taking lemons and making lemonade. It is reaching for the brass ring, even after you miss it the first five times around. It is keeping your nose to the grindstone in the face of adversity for the long haul because, in the end, it will all be worth it. Yes, I am resilient...

But I have seen resiliency that I don't know I posses. I work with people who have special needs, who face challenges every single day because their body, mind, spirit, or background have prevented them from functioning at the level of their peers. Every day, they pick themselves up (sometimes literally), and face each day. Sometimes they stumble, but they never stop. They never give up. Because what is the alternative? The mom of the child who has "behavioral problems", who each day chooses to love her child, because no one else will. Who drives 45 minutes for appointments, who has carefully scheduled her life around the needs of this child to make things just a little easier. Or the person who grew up in poverty, in addiction, and a part of "the system", who grabbed that brass ring the first time around, and took the opportunity to build a life and break that cycle. A person who is intelligent, articulate, caring, and never forgets the barriers that were overcome.

So, while I believe that I am a resilient person, and that, perhaps, in the face of such adversity, I would hold true to my beliefs that it is better to keep on going. But, thus far, my "resiliency" is just an ideal, nothing compared to the grit that I have seen in some very special people recently. I am so blessed to have these people in my life, to teach me about true persistence, true resiliency.

So take those lemons, don't chew on them! Add a little sugar, water, and make it something sweet!