On Monday, the 8th, we will mark the 11th anniversary of the day that mom died. Last year, I posted a monster-sized blog entry to get so many of my feelings about this out as well as to describe the events of the week that she died. This is important to me because as time goes on, the memories of that week become more faded. It was the most horrible week I have ever experienced, yet, I don't ever want to forget it. Strange, isn't it?
So, this year, I won't go on and on and on, other than to firmly reiterate how much I miss her and how I wish she were here. I just can't help but imagine how things could have been. How would my life be different if I had the one person in this world who not only believed in me (more than I believe in myself), but who had the courage to push me. So many people in this world tell you what you want to hear, but she would tell me what I need to hear.
There are many situations in my life now that I would give anything to hear what I need to hear from someone who only cares about me.
So, it sucks that she isn't here, and I am forced to try to find my own way.
Jess and I will be getting together on Monday for a fun day of shopping and lunch in honor of mom. I think that would make her so happy. I am so thankful for Jess, and am so very grateful that the past year has brought us closer together. We are determined not to mope and be miserable on the 8th, that is not what mom would want, nor is it what we would want. In years past, we would call each other with a little "mom-ism" or send each other flowers with a mom-ism on the card. They are always funny, and in a way, we poke a little fun at her, but that is how we make the day work for us. We try to make it fun. Because what other choice is there?
Last Friday, a 49-year old woman from our community died in a car accident. The accident happened about 5 minutes behind me, which kind of freaked me out. After mom's accident, I began to ponder the significance of a minute, or even a second. What if mom would have left five minutes earlier for work that day? What if she would have forgotten her purse, and had to run into the house before she left that morning. What if she would have driven 62 miles per hour instead of 58? I had my own thoughts that morning...what if I would have been held up for five minutes last Friday morning? It could have easily happened because I didn't need to be at work at any certain time. It was a scary thought.
Then, to see the community outpouring last week, to see all of the people who had connections with this family, it brought back so many memories of our own situation. I am certainly keeping their family in all of my thoughts and prayers.
So, that is that. Monday will be fun, and we will embark on our 12th year without mom here.
As far as the day to day events of the Holen house, there hasn't been too much going on lately. Lilly had her kindergarten open house this week, which is just crazy. I remember going to those with the boys, and the time between the open house and the first day of kindergarten seemed to go by so quickly. So, before I know it, I will have three kids in school.
Then, I have been thinking about our daycare plan. The kids will all go to daycare yet this summer, but by next summer, I am thinking about having the boys start to stay home a couple of days each week. This idea is so scary, I am very nervous to leave my kids home alone all day long. But they will be 10 and 11, so I think they will be ready. It will be nice to save that money, but it will sure be scary for me.
The boys have been doing well in school, there isn't much news to report on them. Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, will toss the ball to himself and then dazzle whoever is watching him with his fancy catches (and their instant replays :) ). He knows all there is to know about the NFL, all of the players for all of the teams and most of their numbers. It is crazy . Alex has been reading like crazy, and he is beginning to read the Harry Potter books. He and Ed have been busy each night playing video games...Alex is our gamer, for sure. I could take it or leave it, but it is nice that they spend that time together.
The kids are growing and changing so much right now, we are really on the verge of a whole new time in our lives.
Take a minute this week to let your loved ones know how much you appreciate them...
Bye.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The new year!
Happy 2010 to everyone! It has been quite a whirlwind of activity over the past two weeks or so. The holidays in the Holen house are kicked off by Lilly's birthday on the 21st. I took the 21st off (I usually work from home on Mondays, and got all of my work done Sunday night so I was FREE!!!). We went to the mall and finished up the Christmas shopping, went out for lunch, and went to see Princess and the Frog. That movie was super-cute...I think I loved it as much as Lil. We then came home and had cake and presents. She is so excited to be 5, and I am struggling just a bit with the fact that our baby is 5. She is turning into such a big girl, and while I love the little person she is turning out to be (for the most part...there is that strong-will that I am not always so fond of :), I miss her baby-ness so much. I think that is a natural hurdle that parents have to overcome when their youngest grows up. On one hand, I think that if I had just one more baby, I would be able to apply all I have learned with the first three kids, especially not to rush through it because it goes so fast. But, then, in another five years, here I would be, with aching arms, watching my baby grow up. I know another baby isn't the answer, and quite honestly, another baby would probably land me in the loony bin! I have my hands overflowing with life right now. Adding more would just not be a good idea.
So, anyway, she's five now...big stuff.
Then, we had Christmas. I was, at first, sad that the snow ruined our Christmas plans. On Christmas Eve, we usually go to the Konz (Ed's mom's family) get-together. The food there is fabuloso! I thought about that food all day on Christmas eve, only to decide that it wasn't safe to venture out in the quest for delicious food. On Christmas day, we have the Backes (my mom's family) get-together. I love those big family gatherings, where there is noise, people, and kids everywhere! So, I was disappointed that we weren't going to go.
But.....
I had THREE STRAIGHT DAYS where I did not leave the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND....I let the house stay messy! The kids and Ed and I played, watched movies, ate, and drank wine (Ed and I, not the kids). I did clean a bit the day after Christmas and actually dusted my bedroom! That is how much time I had!!!! It was so great, but left me wanting more. So, now I am planning to do nothing on my weekends from here on out for awhile. We had something going on at least one of the two days on the weekends since November 20. That is a lot of running around. But, aside from a birthday party we are hosting for Alex on the 10th, I have nothing on the calendar for any upcoming weekend.
So, Christmas was beautiful. It was very special to be able to spend it at home with the kids, and really felt like the way it should be.
Then, on the 30th, was Alex's 10th birthday. I took that day off from work as well, and we laid around all morning. Then, we all went out for lunch, to the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, and swimming at the AmericInn here in Cold Spring. Then home for supper with g-ma and g-pa Holen and cake/presents. It was such a busy day! So, all of the feelings I am having about Lilly turning 5, I am also having with Alex turning 10. These past 10 years have been probably the fastest of my life. Then, I think about how fast the next 10 years will go, and before I know it, I will have 2 kids in college!!! AAAHHHHH!!! How can that be?!?!? But, again, I love the person Alex has become. He is caring, thoughtful, and a little quirky. I see a lot of me in him (scary thought).
Then, we celebrated Christmas with the Holens over this past weekend.
So, here I am, at 1 am, updating my blog. There has been so much going on, tomorrow will be like a giant sigh of relief.
In addition to ruminating over how big my kids are getting, I am also setting my course for 2010. I have made several resolutions for the year, all of which really tie into the same common thread. Happiness...
The first resolution I have is to not allow stress to control my life. I am very susceptible to the force of stress, and over the past few months have allowed it to conquer me, and to rob me of my happiness. Stress pretty much renders me useless and makes me incredibly inattentive to the needs of others. So, while I have been feeling sad about how fast the kids are growing, I know the only true solution to that is to take each moment, one at a time, and deal with it effectively and thoroughly, so I can have no regrets. But, I must overcome the stress first. This will not be an easy job for me because all of the areas of my life spill over into each other. I often times thing that my life is like a big Thanksgiving dinner. It is robust, full, and very satisfying. But if you eat it day after day after day, it is just a little too much. My plate is full, and everything is running together. My work spills over into my home, my home spills over into work, and all of it affects my ability to take care of myself.
Soooo....resolution #1--beat the stress monster!
Resolution #2 has to do with weight loss. Yep. Again. I am not going into detail here because it is a broken record. But, I will try, and try hard. I am planning to reward myself with a little ink when I accomplish my goal. I am also planning to register for a few 5k's to force myself to train for something. I have a great motivator in my younger brother, Rick, (who is in fantastic shape), and he won't let me register for an event and not do it. So, there is no other choice but to do it.
Resolution #3--Not to measure myself against anyone else's measuring stick. I will not allow myself to feel badly about my accomplishments (or lack of them), my material possessions, or my appearance unless they do not meet my standards. I will not allow other people's standards of appearance, success, or accomplishment persuade me into feeling bad or into making choices I wouldn't otherwise make. I am done seeking approval. I am who I am, and I am incredibly blessed. I have decided where to pour my energy and my resources and I am going to give it all that I have. And I believe that I will reap rewards far greater than material possessions.
Resolution #4--get back in touch with me. This is really the ultimate goal, the combination of 1, 2, and 3. I know what kind of person I am, and I generally like that person. But the stress and busy-ness of life has begun to change that about me, and I don't like it. I am taking myself back, and am prepared to make any necessary changes in my life to accomplish that. So watch out world!!!!
Anyway, these are the thoughts coming out of my head at 1 am. A bit random, sort of rambling, but hey, if you didn't like it, you wouldn't be reading this :-)
BTW--I plan to mail out my Christmas cards sometime in the next week...I haven't forgotten!
Have a blessed and joyous 2010!!!!
So, anyway, she's five now...big stuff.
Then, we had Christmas. I was, at first, sad that the snow ruined our Christmas plans. On Christmas Eve, we usually go to the Konz (Ed's mom's family) get-together. The food there is fabuloso! I thought about that food all day on Christmas eve, only to decide that it wasn't safe to venture out in the quest for delicious food. On Christmas day, we have the Backes (my mom's family) get-together. I love those big family gatherings, where there is noise, people, and kids everywhere! So, I was disappointed that we weren't going to go.
But.....
I had THREE STRAIGHT DAYS where I did not leave the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND....I let the house stay messy! The kids and Ed and I played, watched movies, ate, and drank wine (Ed and I, not the kids). I did clean a bit the day after Christmas and actually dusted my bedroom! That is how much time I had!!!! It was so great, but left me wanting more. So, now I am planning to do nothing on my weekends from here on out for awhile. We had something going on at least one of the two days on the weekends since November 20. That is a lot of running around. But, aside from a birthday party we are hosting for Alex on the 10th, I have nothing on the calendar for any upcoming weekend.
So, Christmas was beautiful. It was very special to be able to spend it at home with the kids, and really felt like the way it should be.
Then, on the 30th, was Alex's 10th birthday. I took that day off from work as well, and we laid around all morning. Then, we all went out for lunch, to the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, and swimming at the AmericInn here in Cold Spring. Then home for supper with g-ma and g-pa Holen and cake/presents. It was such a busy day! So, all of the feelings I am having about Lilly turning 5, I am also having with Alex turning 10. These past 10 years have been probably the fastest of my life. Then, I think about how fast the next 10 years will go, and before I know it, I will have 2 kids in college!!! AAAHHHHH!!! How can that be?!?!? But, again, I love the person Alex has become. He is caring, thoughtful, and a little quirky. I see a lot of me in him (scary thought).
Then, we celebrated Christmas with the Holens over this past weekend.
So, here I am, at 1 am, updating my blog. There has been so much going on, tomorrow will be like a giant sigh of relief.
In addition to ruminating over how big my kids are getting, I am also setting my course for 2010. I have made several resolutions for the year, all of which really tie into the same common thread. Happiness...
The first resolution I have is to not allow stress to control my life. I am very susceptible to the force of stress, and over the past few months have allowed it to conquer me, and to rob me of my happiness. Stress pretty much renders me useless and makes me incredibly inattentive to the needs of others. So, while I have been feeling sad about how fast the kids are growing, I know the only true solution to that is to take each moment, one at a time, and deal with it effectively and thoroughly, so I can have no regrets. But, I must overcome the stress first. This will not be an easy job for me because all of the areas of my life spill over into each other. I often times thing that my life is like a big Thanksgiving dinner. It is robust, full, and very satisfying. But if you eat it day after day after day, it is just a little too much. My plate is full, and everything is running together. My work spills over into my home, my home spills over into work, and all of it affects my ability to take care of myself.
Soooo....resolution #1--beat the stress monster!
Resolution #2 has to do with weight loss. Yep. Again. I am not going into detail here because it is a broken record. But, I will try, and try hard. I am planning to reward myself with a little ink when I accomplish my goal. I am also planning to register for a few 5k's to force myself to train for something. I have a great motivator in my younger brother, Rick, (who is in fantastic shape), and he won't let me register for an event and not do it. So, there is no other choice but to do it.
Resolution #3--Not to measure myself against anyone else's measuring stick. I will not allow myself to feel badly about my accomplishments (or lack of them), my material possessions, or my appearance unless they do not meet my standards. I will not allow other people's standards of appearance, success, or accomplishment persuade me into feeling bad or into making choices I wouldn't otherwise make. I am done seeking approval. I am who I am, and I am incredibly blessed. I have decided where to pour my energy and my resources and I am going to give it all that I have. And I believe that I will reap rewards far greater than material possessions.
Resolution #4--get back in touch with me. This is really the ultimate goal, the combination of 1, 2, and 3. I know what kind of person I am, and I generally like that person. But the stress and busy-ness of life has begun to change that about me, and I don't like it. I am taking myself back, and am prepared to make any necessary changes in my life to accomplish that. So watch out world!!!!
Anyway, these are the thoughts coming out of my head at 1 am. A bit random, sort of rambling, but hey, if you didn't like it, you wouldn't be reading this :-)
BTW--I plan to mail out my Christmas cards sometime in the next week...I haven't forgotten!
Have a blessed and joyous 2010!!!!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Making Peace
I can't believe it has been six weeks since I have posted. It has been such a long month, November was an incredibly stressful month at work, and I have decided that I don't handle stress very well. I feel as though I was in a haze for the past six weeks, and only recently am I coming out of it. Now, I am feeling better, feeling a little more in control, and am looking forward to Christmas and the birthdays of Alex and Lil.
As a conclusion to my misery last post...I had an encounter last night with people who are so much worse off than me. They stopped over to pick something up. I felt so badly for them, because I know that they are in a much worse situation than I could ever imagine, and I realized that they would probably give anything to have what I have. I felt humbled and ashamed that I could ever want any more in my life when I have three healthy kids, a warm and clean (but small) roof over my head, a fulfilling job, and a good husband. I realized that I have everything that those people would want, and I felt so selfish for being so pitiful. So, I am done with that misery because it doesn't do anyone any good.
I am so happy to be getting rid of the stress of the last six weeks or so, and am glad that I am feeling more like myself. I generally am a very even, optimistic person, and when I start to not feel that way, it freaks me out a little bit. So, here's to feeling stress-free (well, maybe not stress-free, but definitely less) and happy, just in time for the Christmas season!
We are getting ready for two big birthdays in this house. First, Lilly will be turning 5 on the 21st. I can't believe that Lilly is turning 5, it is kind of hard to see your baby getting so big! I was just telling Ed last night that I love the age where she is at right now, and I don't want her to grow up any more. She is so inquisitive right now, and I see so much of myself in her. She is currently obsessed with the letter "L" (because that is the first letter of her name), and she gets so happy anytime she sees an "L". She scours magazine covers and books for "L"s. She is also very interested in spelling, she wants to know how all kinds of words are spelled, truly she is my daughter! She is very curious about everything, she wants to know how everything works. She is at this perfect stage right now, and I just don't want it to go away. It is hard to believe that it has been 5 years since we've had her, it seems like she is still a baby! I guess maybe that is always true of the baby of the family.
And then Alex will be the big double-digits on the 30th. He is also at such a good stage right right now. He is doing very well in school, and is really growing up. He is helpful and has been very easy-going. If anyone knows this boy, easy-going was never a word I could have used to describe him, but he sure is right now! While I am sad to see my kids getting so big, I do love the age that Alex is at. I can actually talk to him about things. I suppose this is the calm before the pre-teen storm! He has turned into a bookworm, and his reading goal for the month of December at school is 1200 pages! I don't even know if I could read 1200 pages. I think Alex has probably the perfect teacher for where he is at right now. She is very encouraging, but not overly so. She pushes him to do his best, but does it in a way that he responds to. I am so thankful that he has such a good teacher at such a critical point in his school life. Fourth grade seems to be a sort of turning point, and is laying the foundation for the next few years.
Then, you throw Christmas in there, and our next three weeks are going to be just crazy!
And, not to exclude Cameron--there isn't too much news to report on Cameron. He is really into the Vikings right now. He makes sure we DVR all the games and then he watches them all week long. He has a Vikings shirt that he wears ALL THE TIME, I need to monitor how often he wears it because he would wear it every day. He also likes to play football in the house, which gets on my nerves sometimes, but he is just such a boy that I think it comes with the territory. He is a stellar student, and had all E's on his midterm (E's=A's), except in handwriting. So his teacher's prediction is that he will be a doctor :). He also takes after me because I always had terrible handwriting when I was younger.
I think that will do for now. I hope everyone enjoys the blessings of the Christmas season this year!
As a conclusion to my misery last post...I had an encounter last night with people who are so much worse off than me. They stopped over to pick something up. I felt so badly for them, because I know that they are in a much worse situation than I could ever imagine, and I realized that they would probably give anything to have what I have. I felt humbled and ashamed that I could ever want any more in my life when I have three healthy kids, a warm and clean (but small) roof over my head, a fulfilling job, and a good husband. I realized that I have everything that those people would want, and I felt so selfish for being so pitiful. So, I am done with that misery because it doesn't do anyone any good.
I am so happy to be getting rid of the stress of the last six weeks or so, and am glad that I am feeling more like myself. I generally am a very even, optimistic person, and when I start to not feel that way, it freaks me out a little bit. So, here's to feeling stress-free (well, maybe not stress-free, but definitely less) and happy, just in time for the Christmas season!
We are getting ready for two big birthdays in this house. First, Lilly will be turning 5 on the 21st. I can't believe that Lilly is turning 5, it is kind of hard to see your baby getting so big! I was just telling Ed last night that I love the age where she is at right now, and I don't want her to grow up any more. She is so inquisitive right now, and I see so much of myself in her. She is currently obsessed with the letter "L" (because that is the first letter of her name), and she gets so happy anytime she sees an "L". She scours magazine covers and books for "L"s. She is also very interested in spelling, she wants to know how all kinds of words are spelled, truly she is my daughter! She is very curious about everything, she wants to know how everything works. She is at this perfect stage right now, and I just don't want it to go away. It is hard to believe that it has been 5 years since we've had her, it seems like she is still a baby! I guess maybe that is always true of the baby of the family.
And then Alex will be the big double-digits on the 30th. He is also at such a good stage right right now. He is doing very well in school, and is really growing up. He is helpful and has been very easy-going. If anyone knows this boy, easy-going was never a word I could have used to describe him, but he sure is right now! While I am sad to see my kids getting so big, I do love the age that Alex is at. I can actually talk to him about things. I suppose this is the calm before the pre-teen storm! He has turned into a bookworm, and his reading goal for the month of December at school is 1200 pages! I don't even know if I could read 1200 pages. I think Alex has probably the perfect teacher for where he is at right now. She is very encouraging, but not overly so. She pushes him to do his best, but does it in a way that he responds to. I am so thankful that he has such a good teacher at such a critical point in his school life. Fourth grade seems to be a sort of turning point, and is laying the foundation for the next few years.
Then, you throw Christmas in there, and our next three weeks are going to be just crazy!
And, not to exclude Cameron--there isn't too much news to report on Cameron. He is really into the Vikings right now. He makes sure we DVR all the games and then he watches them all week long. He has a Vikings shirt that he wears ALL THE TIME, I need to monitor how often he wears it because he would wear it every day. He also likes to play football in the house, which gets on my nerves sometimes, but he is just such a boy that I think it comes with the territory. He is a stellar student, and had all E's on his midterm (E's=A's), except in handwriting. So his teacher's prediction is that he will be a doctor :). He also takes after me because I always had terrible handwriting when I was younger.
I think that will do for now. I hope everyone enjoys the blessings of the Christmas season this year!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Going home...being thankful
Here we are in November, already. It is so hard to believe. 2009 is nearly over, seems like it just began. Tonight will be random thoughts and reflections. I have been feeling quite nostalgic lately. I am not sure why, but I have felt it very important to take a trip (or trips) down memory lane. At the same time, I continue to suffer from this sense of un-settle-ment (is that even a word), or dissatisfaction, with my place in life right now. I yearn for the pleasures and luxuries that I feel I and my family deserve, a bigger house, a more beautiful house, nicer cars, clothing, you know, all of the things that are out there to tempt a nearly-35 year old. And when you see all of the people around you with the things, the houses, the lifestyle that you desire, it only makes the envy burn a little more.
I can get really pathetic with this, too, if I want. I pout, I wonder, "why not me?" I work hard, Ed works hard. We deserve more, we deserve better. And, just as soon as we think we are getting somewhere, WHACK...something sets us back. We have had to fork over more cash for unexpected expenses in the last two months than we have had to all year long. There it goes...out the door...I guess we will wait a little longer for the life we are waiting for.
So, that is one part of my current frame of mind. The other...completely opposite. I have been visiting places that have been a part of my personal history within the past month, and have experienced so much fulfillment as a result. My grandma has been in the hospital, and on my way to visit her in Albany, I drive through Farming. Right past the farm where my mom grew up. My grandparents lived there until I was 8. I remember playing in the yard, rolling down the hill, sitting on the propane tank, like it was yesterday. We had such fun there. I wanted, so badly to drive in and peek around. But, of course, that would just be weird and creepy. It is hard to let go of those days, those times. They are so vivid in my memory, but the places where those memories happened no longer belongs to me. It is kind of sad.
Last week, I spent the day in St. Paul, near St. Kates, where I went to college. I met some friends for lunch, and Rick and Jess for supper. No offense to the wonderful company I had that day, but my favorite part of that day was the two hours I had in between lunch with my friends and supper with my family. I spent time in a bookstore, thrift store, and antique store in Highland Park. Just me. In a bookstore (one of my favorite places to be). I had a coffee and there was funky music playing and I was perusing the fiction aisle. No hurry, no place to be. Just me, my coffee, the books, and the music. Oh, what a beautiful hour it was. It was "Robbie" personified. All of the things I enjoy in one space (books, funky music, coffee, and no time schedule). The perfect recipe for relaxation and "enjoying myself". I realized that I don't spend enough time with me. I don't do enough things that I enjoy. I don't go places that I would like to go.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my family, I love my kids, husband, and the crazy life we live. But there does need to be a place for me. I wouldn't want to live the life I had for that hour in the bookstore all day every day, but once in a while, it is nice. It is nice to be in a place that I, alone, have chosen, taking as much time as I like.
Then, today, I took the kids to church in Watkins, where I grew up. We tried going two weeks ago, but had the mass times wrong, so we were pulling into the parking lot as others were pulling out. But, that day, I walked the kids through the church so they could see the lovely windows and statues. Walking into that church was like walking into a time warp. There were people who immediately recognized me, and they hadn't changed. The church looked exactly like it always has (with the exception of the new entry on the side and the fact that the rectory has been torn down). So, today, we went to mass there. And again, so many familiar faces. It felt great to be home. Since dad moved out of our house, I haven't had a place that feels like home. Of course, my house feels like home, but there is a particular comfort to being in a place that has been a part of your whole, entire life. It was like walking into big, comfortable arms that embraced me. In that church, I was baptized, had my first Eucharist, spent 6 years at the Catholic School there, was confirmed, was married, had mom's funeral, had dad's wedding. So many of the events that formed me, shaped me into the person I am happened in that space. I found my spirituality there.
My soul has been stirring over the past month. I have been trying to find meaning in the challenges laid out before me, to find out why, despite our hard work and good intentions, that we still are reaching for some pinnacle, one that we may never reach. I have been feeling such comfort and happiness reflecting on the places I have been in my life. I ache, sometimes, for home, for the places and people who have been a part of my life. I wonder if that is directing me, am I being led to something or someplace that isn't part of my conscious plan? Or, am I being challenged, now, to find satisfaction, happiness, and "HOME" with what I have right here, right now. Consciously, I know the answer to this paradox. Of course I need to find satisfaction, pleasure, and happiness with the life I have. Because it could be taken away. Because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. Because I could lose a child or a husband, and learn the hard way that the things that really matter aren't found in a 4000 square-foot, professionally decorated home, or in a sweet ride, or in an outfit with matching shoes, earrings, and a necklace. It is here. It is sleeping in the room beneath me. It is in the kiss goodbye from my husband in the morning, the nose rub from Lilly while watching TV, the game of Clue with Cameron (where, he informed me, "I'm gonna whoop your butt!"), the secret kiss-throwing game I share with Alex. I get it on one level, hopefully on the level that counts. I just need to convince myself on another level, to quiet the voice inside that strives for more, and to challenge myself to immerse myself in the joy of a completely imperfect life (in 1900 square feet of boring :-)).
In re-reading this post, I think I am experiencing a journey of self-discovery. I am learning about who I am and what I stand for. I am facing the reality that the life I dreamed of (translated: the big house, nice cars, nice clothes), may not be the life I am destined for, and I'd better make peace with that sooner than later if I want to be truly happy. This must be the trip for one who is approaching her mid-30's. Self-reflection, self-assessment. Discovering the adjustments that need to be made now to plan for the next phase of my life. I love it and don't love it. It excites me and grieves me. But, accepting that it is part of the bigger picture, part of the plan is the challenge. I hope I'm up to it.
I can get really pathetic with this, too, if I want. I pout, I wonder, "why not me?" I work hard, Ed works hard. We deserve more, we deserve better. And, just as soon as we think we are getting somewhere, WHACK...something sets us back. We have had to fork over more cash for unexpected expenses in the last two months than we have had to all year long. There it goes...out the door...I guess we will wait a little longer for the life we are waiting for.
So, that is one part of my current frame of mind. The other...completely opposite. I have been visiting places that have been a part of my personal history within the past month, and have experienced so much fulfillment as a result. My grandma has been in the hospital, and on my way to visit her in Albany, I drive through Farming. Right past the farm where my mom grew up. My grandparents lived there until I was 8. I remember playing in the yard, rolling down the hill, sitting on the propane tank, like it was yesterday. We had such fun there. I wanted, so badly to drive in and peek around. But, of course, that would just be weird and creepy. It is hard to let go of those days, those times. They are so vivid in my memory, but the places where those memories happened no longer belongs to me. It is kind of sad.
Last week, I spent the day in St. Paul, near St. Kates, where I went to college. I met some friends for lunch, and Rick and Jess for supper. No offense to the wonderful company I had that day, but my favorite part of that day was the two hours I had in between lunch with my friends and supper with my family. I spent time in a bookstore, thrift store, and antique store in Highland Park. Just me. In a bookstore (one of my favorite places to be). I had a coffee and there was funky music playing and I was perusing the fiction aisle. No hurry, no place to be. Just me, my coffee, the books, and the music. Oh, what a beautiful hour it was. It was "Robbie" personified. All of the things I enjoy in one space (books, funky music, coffee, and no time schedule). The perfect recipe for relaxation and "enjoying myself". I realized that I don't spend enough time with me. I don't do enough things that I enjoy. I don't go places that I would like to go.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my family, I love my kids, husband, and the crazy life we live. But there does need to be a place for me. I wouldn't want to live the life I had for that hour in the bookstore all day every day, but once in a while, it is nice. It is nice to be in a place that I, alone, have chosen, taking as much time as I like.
Then, today, I took the kids to church in Watkins, where I grew up. We tried going two weeks ago, but had the mass times wrong, so we were pulling into the parking lot as others were pulling out. But, that day, I walked the kids through the church so they could see the lovely windows and statues. Walking into that church was like walking into a time warp. There were people who immediately recognized me, and they hadn't changed. The church looked exactly like it always has (with the exception of the new entry on the side and the fact that the rectory has been torn down). So, today, we went to mass there. And again, so many familiar faces. It felt great to be home. Since dad moved out of our house, I haven't had a place that feels like home. Of course, my house feels like home, but there is a particular comfort to being in a place that has been a part of your whole, entire life. It was like walking into big, comfortable arms that embraced me. In that church, I was baptized, had my first Eucharist, spent 6 years at the Catholic School there, was confirmed, was married, had mom's funeral, had dad's wedding. So many of the events that formed me, shaped me into the person I am happened in that space. I found my spirituality there.
My soul has been stirring over the past month. I have been trying to find meaning in the challenges laid out before me, to find out why, despite our hard work and good intentions, that we still are reaching for some pinnacle, one that we may never reach. I have been feeling such comfort and happiness reflecting on the places I have been in my life. I ache, sometimes, for home, for the places and people who have been a part of my life. I wonder if that is directing me, am I being led to something or someplace that isn't part of my conscious plan? Or, am I being challenged, now, to find satisfaction, happiness, and "HOME" with what I have right here, right now. Consciously, I know the answer to this paradox. Of course I need to find satisfaction, pleasure, and happiness with the life I have. Because it could be taken away. Because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. Because I could lose a child or a husband, and learn the hard way that the things that really matter aren't found in a 4000 square-foot, professionally decorated home, or in a sweet ride, or in an outfit with matching shoes, earrings, and a necklace. It is here. It is sleeping in the room beneath me. It is in the kiss goodbye from my husband in the morning, the nose rub from Lilly while watching TV, the game of Clue with Cameron (where, he informed me, "I'm gonna whoop your butt!"), the secret kiss-throwing game I share with Alex. I get it on one level, hopefully on the level that counts. I just need to convince myself on another level, to quiet the voice inside that strives for more, and to challenge myself to immerse myself in the joy of a completely imperfect life (in 1900 square feet of boring :-)).
In re-reading this post, I think I am experiencing a journey of self-discovery. I am learning about who I am and what I stand for. I am facing the reality that the life I dreamed of (translated: the big house, nice cars, nice clothes), may not be the life I am destined for, and I'd better make peace with that sooner than later if I want to be truly happy. This must be the trip for one who is approaching her mid-30's. Self-reflection, self-assessment. Discovering the adjustments that need to be made now to plan for the next phase of my life. I love it and don't love it. It excites me and grieves me. But, accepting that it is part of the bigger picture, part of the plan is the challenge. I hope I'm up to it.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Not much.
Not too much going on around here. Things have been pretty much status quo. The boys are well into their school years and are both doing well. Lilly is loving preschool, and asks almost every day if she can go to school. Ed and I are busy, but not crazy-busy, so that is good.
We have had the influenza come and pay us a visit this past weekend. I have always considered myself to be very laid-back and easy-going. Certainly, NOT a germaphobe. However, I have been sanitizing and Lysol-ing my house like someone with full-blown OCD. Poor Cameron was the one who was sick, and I was hovering over him, making sure he washed his hands, sanitizing everything he touched, and insisting that Alex and Lilly wash, wash, wash their hands. He was sick with a fever for two full days, and now, today is day 4, and he is still sluggish, sore, and not feeling 100%. So, I can do the math. If Alex and Lilly get it, I am looking at missing at least two days of work each, unless they get it over a weekend. If I get it, I am looking at at least two days, maybe three to get myself ship-shape and ready to work. When you are staring down the barrel of potentially 10 days of sickness in your house, you would sanitize anything that stands still, too!
I did get my flu shot already, as I do every year. I feel such responsibility to ensure that I am not carrying any illnesses to the children I work with, since many of them have medical issues that would be exacerbated by the flu. However, I have not made appointments for the kids to get theirs. But, I don't know that Cameron had the Influenza A. He could have had H1N1 or any other virus that I could still get, despite having a flu shot.
So, that is the theme for this post. Sickness, and the efforts to kill germs. Fun, fun, fun!
We have had the influenza come and pay us a visit this past weekend. I have always considered myself to be very laid-back and easy-going. Certainly, NOT a germaphobe. However, I have been sanitizing and Lysol-ing my house like someone with full-blown OCD. Poor Cameron was the one who was sick, and I was hovering over him, making sure he washed his hands, sanitizing everything he touched, and insisting that Alex and Lilly wash, wash, wash their hands. He was sick with a fever for two full days, and now, today is day 4, and he is still sluggish, sore, and not feeling 100%. So, I can do the math. If Alex and Lilly get it, I am looking at missing at least two days of work each, unless they get it over a weekend. If I get it, I am looking at at least two days, maybe three to get myself ship-shape and ready to work. When you are staring down the barrel of potentially 10 days of sickness in your house, you would sanitize anything that stands still, too!
I did get my flu shot already, as I do every year. I feel such responsibility to ensure that I am not carrying any illnesses to the children I work with, since many of them have medical issues that would be exacerbated by the flu. However, I have not made appointments for the kids to get theirs. But, I don't know that Cameron had the Influenza A. He could have had H1N1 or any other virus that I could still get, despite having a flu shot.
So, that is the theme for this post. Sickness, and the efforts to kill germs. Fun, fun, fun!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Back in the saddle...
OK, it's about time I get back to my blog. Too much time has passed since my last entry! It has been quite normal around our house, nothing too earth-shattering has happened. I will reflect on the month of August in a general sense, and get up to speed on the current happenings at the Holen house.
I have decided that August is my second least-favorite month of the year (next to February). I dislike August for the same reason I dislike February...it feels like one big marathon to the end. The transition of the seasons is impending, I am tired of summer, tired of gardening, tired of my flowers, and tired of pretty much everything. In February, I am sick of winter, sick of the cold, sick of being cooped up, etc. I think this dislike of August started as a child, when I was always ready for school to begin at about the beginning of the month. I had to wait the entire month until I could get back into it. Now, as an adult, by the beginning of August I am ready for the kids to go back to school, I am sick of paying full-time daycare for three kids, and I have the entire month stretched out ahead of me like a North Dakota interstate. I usually am stressed and barely functional by mid-August, it seems. Many years, August is a difficult month at work, which usually initiates my downward spiral into the throes of worry, stress, anxiety, etc. It seems as though if things CAN go wrong in August, they DO go wrong. And there I am, awake every night until midnight, stressed, crabby, etc.
Soooo, I am more than happy to put August behind me. I would really like to change my thinking on this dreary month, since the weather is usually nice, and there is a lot to do. But, I will have to somehow shift my experience and my mindset first to accomplish an August that I actually enjoy.
But, here we are at the beginning of September, interestingly enough one of my favorite months (next to June and December). The kids have just returned to school, and Lilly has started preschool. This was a very difficult idea for me to grasp. My sweet, little baby. Baby of the babies. My little girl, my googey-head, my strong-willed, persnickety, lover of attention. How can it be? How can I be sending her off to school. Sure, I tell myself, it is only preschool. BUT, my experience has been that once they start school (even preschool), it is like someone hit the gas, and we are zooming through life. Measuring our days in terms of the school calendar (no school in two weeks, Christmas break is coming up, only 6 weeks until summer vacation). Before you know it, we are back at September, and I am sending my babies off to another level. So weird.
This being said, Lilly absolutely LOVED preschool, which makes it very hard to be mopey for too long, because she is simply joyful about the experience. Alex has begun fourth grade, and I am feeling really good about his year, too. He has a nice teacher, and he has done a lot of growing up over the summer, so I am thinking this will be his best year yet as far as his social and academic skills are concerned. Cameron has begun third grade, and I am certain he will have a great year. It maybe is a middle-child thing, but I have no concerns about this child. He is a smart boy, gets good grades, has lots of friends, is well-behaved, etc. I need to make sure sometimes, that I am giving him enough attention, because he requires very little.
I think that's about all for our lives today.
I have decided that August is my second least-favorite month of the year (next to February). I dislike August for the same reason I dislike February...it feels like one big marathon to the end. The transition of the seasons is impending, I am tired of summer, tired of gardening, tired of my flowers, and tired of pretty much everything. In February, I am sick of winter, sick of the cold, sick of being cooped up, etc. I think this dislike of August started as a child, when I was always ready for school to begin at about the beginning of the month. I had to wait the entire month until I could get back into it. Now, as an adult, by the beginning of August I am ready for the kids to go back to school, I am sick of paying full-time daycare for three kids, and I have the entire month stretched out ahead of me like a North Dakota interstate. I usually am stressed and barely functional by mid-August, it seems. Many years, August is a difficult month at work, which usually initiates my downward spiral into the throes of worry, stress, anxiety, etc. It seems as though if things CAN go wrong in August, they DO go wrong. And there I am, awake every night until midnight, stressed, crabby, etc.
Soooo, I am more than happy to put August behind me. I would really like to change my thinking on this dreary month, since the weather is usually nice, and there is a lot to do. But, I will have to somehow shift my experience and my mindset first to accomplish an August that I actually enjoy.
But, here we are at the beginning of September, interestingly enough one of my favorite months (next to June and December). The kids have just returned to school, and Lilly has started preschool. This was a very difficult idea for me to grasp. My sweet, little baby. Baby of the babies. My little girl, my googey-head, my strong-willed, persnickety, lover of attention. How can it be? How can I be sending her off to school. Sure, I tell myself, it is only preschool. BUT, my experience has been that once they start school (even preschool), it is like someone hit the gas, and we are zooming through life. Measuring our days in terms of the school calendar (no school in two weeks, Christmas break is coming up, only 6 weeks until summer vacation). Before you know it, we are back at September, and I am sending my babies off to another level. So weird.
This being said, Lilly absolutely LOVED preschool, which makes it very hard to be mopey for too long, because she is simply joyful about the experience. Alex has begun fourth grade, and I am feeling really good about his year, too. He has a nice teacher, and he has done a lot of growing up over the summer, so I am thinking this will be his best year yet as far as his social and academic skills are concerned. Cameron has begun third grade, and I am certain he will have a great year. It maybe is a middle-child thing, but I have no concerns about this child. He is a smart boy, gets good grades, has lots of friends, is well-behaved, etc. I need to make sure sometimes, that I am giving him enough attention, because he requires very little.
I think that's about all for our lives today.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Reflections on "The Shack"
I just recently finished The Shack and actually re-read the middle portion slowly and carefully. This book can be interpreted as a touching story of the loss of a child, and a father's quest for setting things right. If interpreted this way, it is truly beautiful and redeeming, and very touching. Lots of tears were held back (yes, my mother's daughter) as I read the story. It can also be interpreted as a theological philosophy, a set of ideas and theories that could serve as the basis of one's faith. As I read the book, I realized that so many of these ideas and theories correlate with many of my own thoughts on my personal faith and "religion". As a Catholic, who chooses to remain Catholic, there are many rules, expectations, and doctrine that guides the faith of the people. I have decided long ago to pick and choose out of that basket, which I have always felt was a bit cowardly. For example, I do not believe in receiving credit for my monetary contributions to the church, I think that is corruption at its finest, that we are somehow judged based upon our financial support of the church. I believe a "plate" offering (money without an envelope) is the way to go. Or, I choose to support our Catholic school to my maximal financial potential, as opposed to the church itself. I have also struggled with the concept of confession, but have since decided (begrudgingly) that it is the most real way for me to stand face-to-face with my mistakes and shortcomings, and for me to feel true repentance for them. When I am in church, I rarely am focused on the scripture readings or the sermon, nor am I focused on the procedures of the Mass. I am focused on the presence of God, reflecting on his presence in my life during the week, and doing my best to express my thanks for all of the gifts I have been given. Oh, but this all sounds so righteous, doesn't it? Reading this book helped me to realize how much work I have to do, particularly in relating to other people who I live with and work with. The book helped me to see how wrong righteousness is, how the biggest wrong we can commit against each other is judgment. And how often do we judge? I can only speak for myself, but I participate in judgment on a daily, if not more frequent basis. How hard can it be to let go of judgment? Judgment makes me feel better, like a better person. It allows me to exert my goodness above someone else's wrongs. Oh, boy, do I have a lot of work to do!
I have assembled some of my favorite quotes from the book, the ones that give me the ability to ponder, that make me stop and think. I plan to carry them with me in my planner and hope to find the faith to review them and allow them to help guide me toward being a better person.
“When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?”
“The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love.”
“Those who love me come from every system that exists. They were Buddhists or Mormons, Baptists or Muslims, Democrats, Republicans and many who don’t vote or are not a part of any Sunday morning or religious institutions. I have followers who were murderers and many who were self-righteous. Some are bankers and bookies, Americans and Iraqis, Jews and Palestinians. I have no desire to make them Christian, but I do want to join them in their transformation into sons and daughters.”
“Most roads don’t lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”
“Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace.”
“Faith does not grow in the house of certainty.”
“My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity.”
“Evil is the chaos of this age that you brought to me, but it will not have the final say. Now it touches everyone that I love, those who follow me and those who don’t. If I take away the consequences of people’s choices, I destroy the possibility of love. Love that is forced is no love at all.”
“You demand your independence, but then complain that I actually love you enough to give it to you.”
“It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way.”
“But can you clean your face with the same mirror that shows you how dirty you are? There is no mercy or grace in rules, not even for one mistake.”
“Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.”
“Why would I have any expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me.”
“This is not about shaming you. I don’t do humiliation, or guilt, or condemnation. They don’t produce one speck of wholeness or righteousness, and that is why they were nailed into Jesus on the cross.”
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.”
“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver, to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly.”
“Forgiveness does not excuse anything.”
“You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.”
“This world is full of tears, but if you remember I promised that it would be Me who would wipe them from your eyes”
I think this is a book every person should read and experience. It is not a book for Catholics, or for Christians. It is a book for every person who believes in the existence of God. It is for those who are solid in their faith, and for those of us who are always searching for the answers. The book truly contains words to live by.
Deep post, I know, but I want to share these thoughts with anyone who is reading this, that you might seek out some reflection of your own. If we all seek to eliminate the actions we commit that are hurtful and evil, this world would be a better place.
I have assembled some of my favorite quotes from the book, the ones that give me the ability to ponder, that make me stop and think. I plan to carry them with me in my planner and hope to find the faith to review them and allow them to help guide me toward being a better person.
“When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?”
“The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love.”
“Those who love me come from every system that exists. They were Buddhists or Mormons, Baptists or Muslims, Democrats, Republicans and many who don’t vote or are not a part of any Sunday morning or religious institutions. I have followers who were murderers and many who were self-righteous. Some are bankers and bookies, Americans and Iraqis, Jews and Palestinians. I have no desire to make them Christian, but I do want to join them in their transformation into sons and daughters.”
“Most roads don’t lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”
“Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace.”
“Faith does not grow in the house of certainty.”
“My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity.”
“Evil is the chaos of this age that you brought to me, but it will not have the final say. Now it touches everyone that I love, those who follow me and those who don’t. If I take away the consequences of people’s choices, I destroy the possibility of love. Love that is forced is no love at all.”
“You demand your independence, but then complain that I actually love you enough to give it to you.”
“It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way.”
“But can you clean your face with the same mirror that shows you how dirty you are? There is no mercy or grace in rules, not even for one mistake.”
“Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.”
“Why would I have any expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me.”
“This is not about shaming you. I don’t do humiliation, or guilt, or condemnation. They don’t produce one speck of wholeness or righteousness, and that is why they were nailed into Jesus on the cross.”
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.”
“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver, to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly.”
“Forgiveness does not excuse anything.”
“You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.”
“This world is full of tears, but if you remember I promised that it would be Me who would wipe them from your eyes”
I think this is a book every person should read and experience. It is not a book for Catholics, or for Christians. It is a book for every person who believes in the existence of God. It is for those who are solid in their faith, and for those of us who are always searching for the answers. The book truly contains words to live by.
Deep post, I know, but I want to share these thoughts with anyone who is reading this, that you might seek out some reflection of your own. If we all seek to eliminate the actions we commit that are hurtful and evil, this world would be a better place.
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