The most wonderful time????

"It's the most wonderful time...of the year".


In my world, "It's the most mind-boggling time...of the year". OR "It's the most insane-and-crazy time....of the year". OR "It's the most bitterweet time...of the year".


The last two weeks of December are so incredibly full of activity at the Holen house. In previous years, I am quite certain I have posted a similar posting about how crazy this time is, with two kids' birthdays within 9 days of each other, one right before Christmas, and one right after. There are moments during these two weeks where the pure insanity of it all catches up to me, and I can feel my anxiety spiraling out of control. But, then, there are moments when I realize just how special this time of year is for me as well. I had two of the very best days of my life happen (birthdays) right around one of the best days in the whole year (Christmas).


Christmas, 1999:
Eight and a half months pregnant with my first baby. Due date: January 6 0r 9 2000. Everything had been going well with my pregnancy, with the exception of a bit of high blood pressure. I felt good, overall. A little huge, but good. Ed and I were living in our house in Becker, a perfect, brand-new house which felt like home. We had such a great, neat, and compact little life. We went to work, then came home and did....what did we do???? Well, whatever it was, I'm sure it was really fun and important. ***DISCLAIMER: This is not to insinuate that people who do not have children do not have fun or important lives...it is simply an honest reflection on the very fact that I truly have no idea what Ed and I did on a routine basis before we had kids. We didn't watch a lot of TV, I didn't read much at that point in my life, nor did I really have a hobby***We celebrated Christmas Eve at my dad's house, the first Christmas without my mom. I remember going up the stairs to use the bathroom as Jamie was coming down the stairs, and because my belly was so big, I bumped into him and fell down the stairs. I pretty much just slid down the stairs, but I have wondered if that didn't set things into motion. The next day, we celebrated Christmas with the Holen family, and used our NEW video camera! I hardly had any preggie pictures of myself, so it was neat to see the video. That evening, at the Backes (my mom's family) Christmas, my aunt told me I looked like I had five days left. Five days....oh, wishful thinking! At that point in time, I had 1.5 to 2 weeks left, and had no reason to think I would go early.


December 28, 1999
It was a Tuesday, and I worked until about 6:30 or 7. I work as an occupational therapist with children, and that evening, I remember working with a few kids who I lifted that evening. I remember thinking, "I maybe need to simmer down on the lifting, because I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it." I got home that night around 7:30, and sat with Ed and did, well, whatever it was we did in the evening before we had kids. I began not feeling well, and started vomiting. I was up almost the entire night throwing up. It was the only time in my life where I would take a tiny sip of water, only to have it come back out 10 minutes later. Sometime during the night, the contractions began...


December 29-30, 1999
Contractions intensified, and I went to the hospital twice, only to be sent home because I was in the "early" stages of labor. I labored all day at home (mind you, very little sleep the night before), and finally at 1 am my water broke. I labored all night and gave birth to little Alexander Andrew at 12:20 pm on December 30. Life would never be the same!

Fast-forward five years:



December 20, 2004
I went to work that morning, a Monday morning, so very miserable. My due date was tomorrow (12-21), and I had never gone to my due date before. My pregnancy was going well, other than being huge and miserable. I did have some minor tachycardia (racing heartbeat), which I was supposed to be taking medication for, but I wasn't overly compliant. I was so sure I would have had this baby over the weekend...my whole pregnancy, I thought the 17th or 18th would be the day. I began having irregular contractions on 12-15, and they would start and stop, start and stop. It felt like I would never, EVER have this baby! I didn't expect to be working that day, and I had everything done...all of my paperwork, all of my patients were being seen by someone else. There was no reason for me to be at work. Sigh. I left around noon, and walked around the mall...maybe walking will stimulate something. Nope. I went home. Ed was home with the boys, he was going to school at the time and was working evenings. So, we spent the afternoon together. By about 1:30, the contractions started again, only this time, they stuck around. We called the clinic and my Dr. could see me at 4:30. We dropped the kids off at Holen's, and were on our way. The contractions didn't let up, but my Dr. didn't want to admit me to the hospital just yet. We went back to the mall and walked around, and the contractions picked up in intensity while we were there, but by the time we got home, they slowed down. Frustrated, huge, miserable, I went to sleep.

December 21, 2004
I woke at 5:30 am, and the contractions were back. Intense. I got up and played computer solitare for awhile, and realized I was curling my toes during the contractions. At around 8, I woke Ed, and told him we should head for the hospital. He showered, and we were on our way. Long story short, after a perfect, non-complicated, and relatively easy labor, Lillian Diane arrived at 1:49 pm, right on her due date.



December 25, 2004
Christmas Day, our first Christmas with Lilly. The boys were so excited to open their gifts from Santa. I was so excited to be holding my daughter!


Well, maybe it really is the most wonderful time of the year!

Thankful

It is early on Thanksgiving morning, and I just want to reflect on all that I am truly thankful for this year.

I am thankful for...
The health and safety of my family

A husband who loves me, who laughs with me, and who is buckled in next to me on this crazy roller coaster ride

Kids who fill my heart to the brim with love, who make me laugh, and who (right now, anyway) are respectful, kind children.


My dad and step-mom, my brothers and sister, nephews and niece (and a ???? on the way--Jess will find out in a few weeks)


My mother and father in-law, my brothers and sisters in-law, and my nieces and nephews.

The people who are impacting the lives of my kids in a positive way (their teachers, Tracy-our daycare lady), because I do believe it really does take a village to raise a child.

The friends I have--my cheerleaders, my support.

Saturday nights with my grandma...I don't know if she understands that these visits are as meaningful and enjoyable to me as they are to her.

A job that appeals to every area of my crazy and intense brain

Co-workers and partners who not just put up with me, but who have given me the opportunity to grow as a professional.

The clients who I serve...thank you for letting me be a part of your story!

The heat blowing through the vent of my house right now. It is easy to get caught up in what you don't have, but remember that there are many in this world who had to sleep under the stars, in the cold, in the rain, snow, heat, bugs, etc. I am very, very lucky to have a roof over my head.

The groceries in my pantry and fridge

That I can have clean clothes that smell good whenever I want

For the people who have taken the time to impart their wisdom to me. We all need a guiding hand, and wisdom does not fall on deaf ears with me

For the opportunities I have had to educate myself and to choose a career that fulfills me

For the diligence and support I have had to pursue regular exercise---not only does it help me manage my stress, but I have lost almost 20 lbs in the process!!! I couldn't do this without my workout buddy, for whom I am also thankful for

For a sense of humor

For the delicate balance of life...sometimes I am amazed by the idea that every creature on this earth plays a role, and that without each one, that the world would be out of whack.

For the One who makes all of these things possible

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Lucky

This weekend, I saw:
My niece and God-daughter, Adella
My aunt and uncle, Honey and Steve
My dad and stepmom, Jack and Linda
A whole bunch of Backes family--aunts, uncles, cousins
My brother, Jamie
My aunt and uncle, Tom and LaDonna
Old friends
My kids
And, of course, Ed (but barely, because he was on his hunting weekend)

There are plenty of people who I didn't see this weekend like:
My Grandma
My sister, Jess, and brother, Rick
My in-laws
My gal pals.

This weekend was so full of family and friends, it was a bit overwhelming. But, as I sit here and reflect upon it, I realize how lucky and truly blessed I am to have all of these people in my life.

I like the saying "We may not have it together, but together we have it all", because that is what really describes where I am at in life right now. I have felt unsettled, like my life is not complete, that something is missing. I have felt disappointed in myself because I have felt like I wasn't where I thought I would be by age 35. I don't have the goods I thought I would have by 35. I don't have the stress-free life I thought I would have by 35. My life is not set, as I thought it would be by 35. But look at what I have...I am really, really lucky. Because my "people" are far more important than anything, and they are what give my life meaning, satisfaction, and joy.

It has been a difficult week. My aunt, Janet, my dad's sister, is dying after a 6-month battle with pancreatic cancer. She has lived alone, out in Oregon, for as long as I can remember, and my dad and other aunt plan to be there with her for her last days. Tonight, I attended a wake for a 33 year old guy who I knew growing up, who passed away on Thursday. As I was sitting through this wake, and hearing his friends and family, through tears, talk about what a great guy he was and what an impact he had on their lives. I realized how truly sad it was that he probably had no idea of the impact he did have. And I see how important it is to show those who you care about how much they have shaped you, how much they mean to you. I don't want to be standing at the podium, tearfully describing how much a loved one has meant to me, feeling regret because that person didn't know how much I cared.

It's a tall order, with a busy family and full-time job, to carve out the time for the people who mean so much to me. It takes effort, juggling, and a bit of finesse. But, I would take a weekend like this (with the exception of barely seeing Ed) 100 times over just to make sure I have done what I can to show my "people" how much they mean to me.

Holen News:

Ed went up to the cabin (waaay up north) for his hunting weekend. However, he didn't "catch" anything (my term for getting a deer). He has been super-busy at work, and is starting to feel a bit like drowning. It is too early in the year for this! His "quiet" time of year is from August-November, so October shouldn't be a time where he is drowning.

I have a new (used) van. My poor old van starting behaving scary-bad last week. The entire car shook in 2nd and 3rd gears. It only happened once, but it was enough for me to say, "OK, it is time". I have been driving that van since February, 2000. We bought it brand-spankin'-new and put on 217000 miles. At the time of it's demise, it started like a charm, ran great (except for that pesky transmission issue). But, the heat didn't work very well--the fan on 5 blew as hard as my new van on 2. The gas gauge didn't work, so I had to fill up after 400 miles because I would have no idea how much gas was left. The drivers' side radio speaker didn't work, so it was hard to hear the radio. It was dirty, inside and out, and starting to get rusty. I would have driven it longer, but the van had other plans. We bought a 2005 Chevy Uplander. There are many luxuries in that van, such as working heat and A/C, a smooth transmission, and a sweet stereo. I am very easy to please :)

The kids are well. Alex is have a good year so far in 5th grade. He has re-joined choir this year, and is playing football. Cameron is also having a good year-4th grade. He is also in football, and was so excited this week because he ran the mile in gym class and had the fastest time in his class. HE was beaming when he told me. So cute!

And Lilly...oh, man, does that girl LOVE school. We hear about kindergarten ALL. THE. TIME. From the moment I come home from work until the moment she goes to bed. It is all about her teacher, her friends, her songs, what everyone looks like, what they smell like, what color clothes they wear, what their voices sound like. Holy cow. I have never, EVER, had the boys tell me this much about school.

Well, that's probably enough for now.

The Mommy Wars

It seems as though we women like to put ourselves through the wringer. It may be our insecurities, our self-righteousness, or our firm beliefs. But whatever it is, we sure like to cluck about other women who do or don't do things the way we think they should. This is mostly evident with the "working mom" vs. "at-home mom" cold war. As a member of the former team (The Working Moms), I have been on the receiving end of many a well-meaning (but, snide, I thought) comment, such as "How can you work?" or "I just couldn't do that to my kids".

Now, I didn't choose to be a working parent. It would have been completely impossible for me to be at home, unless we sold our house, car, etc. Not to mention the student loans I need to pay off! We don't live in an extravagant house, it is a small, boring, split-level, and I drive the same minivan I have driven for the past 10 years. So, I am not saying that I need to work so we can maintain some high-rollin' lifestyle. I need to work so I can provide for our family.

That being said, I enjoy my work incredibly, and I don't know that I could choose to stay at home entirely. I'm sure I'd get used to it, but I don't know that it would work for me. I don't know what kind of at-home mom I would be, but I suspect that I wouldn't be at my best for much of the time. In my perfect world, I would work 2-3 days per week. But, I can't, so I won't lament.

The point of this post, is that I read a wonderful article in Good Housekeeping which was written in 1960, 50 years ago, by a woman who is said to be the mother of the feminist movement of the 60's and 70's. Her article was questioning the status quo of the '50's in which women didn't have a choice to work or be at home. It was expected that the woman "celebrated her femininity" by maintaining her home, raising her children, and serving her husband (it didn't say it that way, but I couldn't help but interpret it that way). They printed several reader letters after that, 3 of 4 readers who were so relieved to see their very thoughts on paper...."There has to be more to life than this"...

And then it dawned on me: We, as women today, are so lucky because we have a choice. We are able to work if we choose to, and we are able to stay home if we choose to (and if we are able to). And it is because of the women before us...our mothers and our grandmothers who fought for us to have that choice. And that is what it is, a choice. It isn't right or wrong, it is just what works for each one of us. We don't all need to fit in this little can, this one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

As a working mom, yes, I feel worried sometimes that I don't spend enough time with my kids. I cried the first few days I dropped each of my precious babies at daycare. But I have also reconciled that guilt within myself. It doesn't pay to sit around and feel guilty about it because I can't change it. I also see how my kids are growing up, and I see that they are good kids, they are good to each other, they are good to other people, and they are good to Ed and I. And, ultimately, that is my goal as a parent, to raise decent, good, kids so they become responsible, happy, and successful adults. I can see that they don't just need quantity, in terms of my time, but they need quality. That is how I balance it. I work hard to make the time I spend with them quality time.

And in the big picture of things, we need to quit beating each other up for the choices we as mothers make. Because it isn't the road that matters as much as the destination.

Ode to Cameron

Today is Cameron's 9th birthday. He was born at 9:46 am on July 26, 2001. He was born 2 days before his due date. My water broke the evening before he was born, and I was induced the next morning. After a quick, but psychotic labor, he was here. I was the first to see that he was a boy, and I remember being incredibly surprised. Everyone thought we were having a girl. We did not find out if he was a boy or girl, but I had girl vibes through the whole pregnancy. I remember looking at him, and thinking that he was so beautiful (as every mom does), but I was struck by his appearance...he looked nothing like I would have expected. It seems as though many people have kids that look kind of similar to one another as infants, but Cameron could not have looked more different than Alex. He had this inquisitive look about him, and he curiously looked around the room just minutes after he was born. I was immediately in love with this boy!

As a baby, he was just the nicest, sweetest baby. Jess and I will still say that about him..."he was just the NICEST baby!!!" He was pleasant and smiley, and very laid-back. He was a happy baby, but his demeanor was very even...so no lows, but no highs, either. At night, I would rock him, and lightly stroke from his forehead down to the tip of his nose. He was a mommy's baby, and I loved it!

As a toddler, he was, again, very laid-back, very curious, and could be a stinker! He barely babbled at all, and I was getting a bit concerned about his speech development when all of a sudden, the boy was talking, and talking, and talking-in a monotone voice. Ed and I say that the first day Cameron spoke he said "Daddy", on the second day he said "Mommy", and on the third day he said "E=MC2".

He has since developed into such a great kid. He has his moments, as they all do, but I think all in all, I am pretty fortunate. He is the middle child, with all that comes with being the middle child. He can be a bit egocentric, as many kids are, but in the next moment, he is playing dolls with Lilly, just to make her happy. He doesn't like when anyone has hurt feelings, or is left out. He has a lot of friends, but isn't incredibly outgoing. He doesn't like to see anyone hurting or suffering, either. He wanted me to pull over to let a fly out of the back of the car because he didn't want to see it suffer :). He can also be argumentative, and I have said for years that if he does not become a lawyer, he will not have made full use of the gifts he was given... He can out-argue me already, and he is only nine, Lord only knows what I am in for!!!

He is tough, but tender. He loves himself and other people. He loves Alex and Lilly so very much, although he does enjoy picking fights with them too (the middle-kid thing). He loves little kids, animals, and anyone who he can care for. He refuses to be affectionate with me in public, but gives the tightest hugs at bedtime. He makes sure that Ed and I know that we are "the best parents in the world". He hates change (yep, that one came from me), and he clings to routine (uh, yeah, me again). He is sentimental, articulate, and quite intelligent. He is curious and easy to talk to. He is a good kid who is a hard worker. He approaches his interests with absolute passion.

I just love that kid!

Someone make it STOP!!!!!

I simply cannot believe how busy this summer has been! Generally, at least for me, once we hit the fourth of July, it is as if someone puts the brakes on, the remainder of the summer seems to just DRAG. I remember posting last August, just how much I hate August because it just seems to go on and on forever, with no end in sight. Now, granted, my past few Augusts have been very stressful, with lots of work stress. Also, there is a fair amount of $$ stress as the summer daycare bills begin catching up with me, as well as putting out a chunk of cash for back to school clothes and supplies.

But, I must say, I am kind of excited for August this year, because I could use a month where things just slow down a bit. We haven't been as busy as we were in June with weddings, grad parties, etc., but it seems as though the days just run by so quickly, nevertheless. The boys will be done with baseball this coming week, so that will provide a much-needed reprieve in the evenings. Cameron's last game will be on Wednesday, and Alex has his baseball tournament on Saturday the 24th, signifying the end of another fun and successful baseball season.

Ed has been helping to coordinate Cold Spring Little League this summer, so he is busy with lots and lots of details on baseball nights. It will be nice for him to not have that. He can settle into a somewhat low-paced next four months or so, before end-of-the-year accounting fun at Simonson, and of course, next tax year.

I have been busy at work, as always. It seems as though the job is just always busy. I have had a few students who have been job-shadowing with me, and I tell them that this job is, quite honestly, the perfect job for me. It changes every 30 to 45 minutes, and I don't see two patients who are alike. I can see a 3-year old with cerebral palsy, then switch to a 55-year old with social functioning difficulties, then switch to a 8 year old with sensory processing difficulties. It is never the same, never boring. There are some elements of my job that are less than perfect, but that has to do with ownership/management issues, not practice issues. I have to remember in the midst of all of this craziness, just how lucky I am to have a job where I do not wake up in the morning and wish I didn't have to go. I have always "had" to work to sustain our finances, but I think I would "have" to work somewhat just to have balance in my life. Of course, if I could choose, I probably wouldn't work as much as I do, but all in all, it isn't a bad gig.

Alex has been having a very good summer. He has enjoyed baseball, and overall, has done a little better than we expected considering he moved up to a more competitive league. He was doing super-great at the beginning of the year, but has hit a bit of a slump in the past few games. This has been very frustrating for him, but provided a great opportunity for discussing the value of practice and hard work. He just expects that he should be able to step up to the plate and get a hit each time. It doesn't work that way. He thinks the boys who are "really good" on his team were just born that way, but a lot of those boys play on multiple leagues and practice daily. So, we were able to have a nice discussion about the value of practice and diligence, and he has been working so hard ever since!

He is also blowing me away with his piano abilities. I started teaching all three kids this summer for 30 minutes each week, and Alex is over half-way done with the first book. We generally get through 6-10 pages each week (Cameron gets through about four, Lilly gets through 1 or 2). I have believed all along that Alex has strong musical talents, and he is certainly proving that now.

Cameron has been also enjoying baseball, especially the fact that he gets to play with his two best buddies. He is anxiously awaiting the start of football season, and he has informed us that he will be the first famous Holen, because he is going to be a pro football player. Again, a great opportunity to discuss hard work and practice. However, this is a topic Cameron already has down-pat, as he has created a one -hour daily exercise routine to both build muscle and increase his endurance. He is such a motivated kid and a hard worker, I hope it works out for him :)

Lilly has been pretty status-quo. She just got her second haircut ever in her life, and I was pretty scared that her beautiful curls would be gone. Her first haircut was when she was just 3, and it was to mainly even out her baby hairdo, since her hair didn't come in until she was three. She only cut an inch or two off yesterday, and it looks pretty much the same. The top pieces look a bit straighter, but we will have to see.

Well, this is probably enough Holen information for now. Enjoy the rest of July!!!

To know me is to love me

It has been a long time since I posted. Life has been super-busy, as it has been for most of us as we try to enjoy these short few months of summer. It has been so rainy and stormy over the past few weeks, it has not been easy to enjoy, as of yet, although the forecast looks good for the next week.

My thoughts running through my head today are those of other people in my life. I had such a wonderful weekend this weekend, with a family wedding on Friday night and a family reunion on Saturday. I love getting together with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and, of course, my grandma. I love catching up with them, hanging out with them, and just playing around. I love that I have this big, warm, chaotic extended family, and I understand just how truly blessed I am. In the midst of all of those warm feelings, I also feel frustrated. I feel that there are those in my life who should know me the best, who don't take the time to know me, to know who I really am, what I do, what my strengths are, my weaknesses, my accomplishments, my goals, and on and on and on. And I guess it really boils down to expectations that I have that are not being met. I know the solution is to just not have those expectations, but boy, that is tough to do. But, I really need to work on that, for my own happiness. But I see the wisdom in the words "to know me is to love me", because it really is true.

Enough of that. Time to let that negativity go.....

In Holen news:

The boys are really enjoying baseball this summer. Cameron is playing in the minor league (7, 8, and 9 year-olds), which is Monday and Wednesday at 6-7. Alex is playing in the major league (10, 11, and 12 year-olds) which is M and W from 7:15-8:30. So, we are busy those evenings, especially on Wednesdays, because I don't even get home from work until 5:30. So we are eating suppers of PB&J and popcorn on Wednesday evenings.

Lilly is enjoying summer, but is anxiously awaiting the start of kindergarten. Apparently there is "big kindergarten" which means that learning will happen, and "little kindergarten" which is free play. She is excited to ride the bus and eat lunch at school. Big stuff for a 5 year old!

We have had 2 weddings, 2 grad parties, and a family reunion, all within the past three weeks. On Wednesday after baseball, we will be heading up to Erskine to Ed's uncle's cabin for our annual 4th of July vacation. We are all so excited! There is just something about being up there, it is very relaxing. Even Lilly can't wait.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer!!!