I am in one of those modes where I feel like I have too much on my plate. Everything I have going on will be intensifying over the next two weeks, then, BAM, it will all be over. I have my eyes on May 10, the first day without something going on.
Here's what I have...
Saturday-Our final dance performance. Since this is our fourth year doing this, I am hoping that it will run quite smoothly, and won't take up the mental and physical energy it has in the past. But, there are a lot of small details that I need to tend to (if you know me, you know how much I hate small details), and I get so nervous that I am going to forget something.
Friday, May 7- The Boni Ball...I have been on the food committee, and while I can't be present at the Boni Ball, I am not off the hook here. I have not gone to any meetings this year, which has helped me to balance things a bit better, but once again, I have small details to address (ordering plates, making sure the food order, drink order, etc) are accurate. Lots of phone calls...
Saturday, May 8- Rick (my brother's) wedding. This is going to be a lot of fun, and a really fun weekend, but I am a bridesmaid, and Lilly is a flower girl. So, again, details. I need to pick up my dress from the seamstress who is altering it, I need to get shoes, jewelry, and figure out how I am going to do my hair. I have to get Lilly's shoes and hair figured out, not to mention, making sure the boys have nice clothes to wear. Details, details, DETAILS!!!!!
As I get older, I am beginning to understand myself more, and I know that I am not meant for small details. I am a big thinker, global, one who comes up with the idea, but needs those detail people to carry it out. In a perfect Robbie world, there would be no details...I could simply think about it, and it would be done. But in the real world, the details are always pressing, and I can either avoid them-which could be disastrous, or I can continue to challenge myself to address these details.
But, man, I hate details.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Fear
"The only thing to fear...is fear itself". FDR
Fear is really something to be afraid of. I tend to worry...a lot...about things that are often-times out of my control. Or, I worry about anticipated events or stressors, and fear the fear that often accompanies them. It can be difficult to keep this fear in check at times.
Many times, fear, for me, is of the unknown. Things that I can't anticipate, things that I don't see coming, those kinds of things freak me out.
I have been feeling for the past few months that my life is missing something, is incomplete. It is a nagging feeling, like a quiet voice, whispering in my ear. The trouble is, I am afraid of change, and in order to listen to this nagging voice, changes will need to be made. So what to do? I am just trying to take things just one day at a time, and this seems to be working for me.
So here is the question...is fear enough of a reason to not make changes in your life? The answer is obvious, it is not. But, how many of us do not make changes in our lives because we are afraid? My assignment for myself is to overcome this fear, and do what I feel I need to do.
So, in other Holen news...
Tax season is finally over! Whew! So now, I am looking forward to having Ed home before 8:00 most nights. However, he is now, supposedly, quite behind at work, so he will be working later hours for the next few weeks to get caught up on things. So, it remains to be seen if he will actually be coming home at a reasonable time. Ed had a very good tax season, he did about 2x as many returns as he did last year. He also seemed to manage the work load quite well, better than he thought he would. So, all in all, it was a good tax season.
Alex is competing in the speech festival at his school on Saturday. He is doing a speech from a stand-up comedy routine by Brian Regan. It is very funny, and he generally has everyone in the room rolling with laughter. So I am excited to see him performing. Alex has always been just a little bit unlike other kids his age, which was a source of constant worry for me when he was younger. But now, I am beginning to see what Alex is able to do because he is unique. Getting up in front of people and delivering a funny speech without any stage fright is quite remarkable for a 10-year old boy. I am also hearing things from other people about the kind things that Alex does, such as hold doors open for adults, giving his chair to people, etc. He is a very thoughtful young man, and I am very proud of him!
Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, and now that the weather is nice, he constantly has grass stains on his jeans because of all of his diving and tackling. He will, occasionally, play a little baseball, but he insists that football is still his all-time favorite.
Lilly...Lilly. She is sitting right next to me jabbering my ear off. These Mondays, where I am working from home seem to be getting harder instead of easier, since she is constantly seeking my attention when she is the only one home. I am actually really looking forward to summer, since the boys will be home, and will be able to entertain her better than I can. She is winding down her preschool year, and will go to a 1/2 day of kindergarten to try it out and see what it is like. She is excited for kindergarten, but a little nervous, because she doesn't know how things will work. I keep telling her that she will figure it out, but that doesn't stop her from worrying about it.
Well, better run, the attention-seeker needs a little undivided attention!
Fear is really something to be afraid of. I tend to worry...a lot...about things that are often-times out of my control. Or, I worry about anticipated events or stressors, and fear the fear that often accompanies them. It can be difficult to keep this fear in check at times.
Many times, fear, for me, is of the unknown. Things that I can't anticipate, things that I don't see coming, those kinds of things freak me out.
I have been feeling for the past few months that my life is missing something, is incomplete. It is a nagging feeling, like a quiet voice, whispering in my ear. The trouble is, I am afraid of change, and in order to listen to this nagging voice, changes will need to be made. So what to do? I am just trying to take things just one day at a time, and this seems to be working for me.
So here is the question...is fear enough of a reason to not make changes in your life? The answer is obvious, it is not. But, how many of us do not make changes in our lives because we are afraid? My assignment for myself is to overcome this fear, and do what I feel I need to do.
So, in other Holen news...
Tax season is finally over! Whew! So now, I am looking forward to having Ed home before 8:00 most nights. However, he is now, supposedly, quite behind at work, so he will be working later hours for the next few weeks to get caught up on things. So, it remains to be seen if he will actually be coming home at a reasonable time. Ed had a very good tax season, he did about 2x as many returns as he did last year. He also seemed to manage the work load quite well, better than he thought he would. So, all in all, it was a good tax season.
Alex is competing in the speech festival at his school on Saturday. He is doing a speech from a stand-up comedy routine by Brian Regan. It is very funny, and he generally has everyone in the room rolling with laughter. So I am excited to see him performing. Alex has always been just a little bit unlike other kids his age, which was a source of constant worry for me when he was younger. But now, I am beginning to see what Alex is able to do because he is unique. Getting up in front of people and delivering a funny speech without any stage fright is quite remarkable for a 10-year old boy. I am also hearing things from other people about the kind things that Alex does, such as hold doors open for adults, giving his chair to people, etc. He is a very thoughtful young man, and I am very proud of him!
Cameron continues to be completely obsessed with football, and now that the weather is nice, he constantly has grass stains on his jeans because of all of his diving and tackling. He will, occasionally, play a little baseball, but he insists that football is still his all-time favorite.
Lilly...Lilly. She is sitting right next to me jabbering my ear off. These Mondays, where I am working from home seem to be getting harder instead of easier, since she is constantly seeking my attention when she is the only one home. I am actually really looking forward to summer, since the boys will be home, and will be able to entertain her better than I can. She is winding down her preschool year, and will go to a 1/2 day of kindergarten to try it out and see what it is like. She is excited for kindergarten, but a little nervous, because she doesn't know how things will work. I keep telling her that she will figure it out, but that doesn't stop her from worrying about it.
Well, better run, the attention-seeker needs a little undivided attention!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"The silent killer..."
I learned of some very sad news last week...my Aunt (one of my Dad's sisters), was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My understanding is that the doctors initially thought it had been caught early enough to surgically remove the cancerous portion of her pancreas, but later discovered it had metastasized to her liver, making her condition inoperable, and likely untreatable. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is quite treatable when caught in the early stages. However, typically, it presents with very few symptoms, so it often goes undiscovered until it has spread. Thus, the name "the silent killer".
Please include her and the rest of my family in your prayers...
Our family, apparently, is no stranger to pancreatic cancer. My cousin, Michelle, died in 2006 at the age of 39 from pancreatic cancer. As far as I know, she had very few risk factors, she was young, healthy, and a runner. She learned of her cancer in January, and died in May. She has beautiful twins, who were not quite 18 months when she died (they were born the week before Lilly...) My great-aunt Melva (my dad's aunt) died in her 80's of pancreatic cancer, and my great-grandmother (my dad's grandmother) also died as a result of this cancer. I also had a great-uncle who died in his early 60's as a result of colon cancer.
So, worried, I turn to the internet...the trusty internet for some answers. I did find some valid information (deemed valid because several reputable internet sites reported similar information--Johns Hopkins, some cancer center in New York), which provided some information on Hereditary Pancreatic Cancer.
"Sweet," I think...I can find a little info, bring it to my doctor, and that will earn me at least yearly screenings so that if I develop this horrible illness, we can catch it and treat it.
Only to discover that there is no screening method for this cancer. There is research, and hopefully, one day in the future, there will be.
To further discover, that while it is the fourth leading cause of cancer deaths (again, because it is generally untreatable), it is a cancer whose research is sorely under-funded...
So, I am more than a bit nervous. For myself, yes. But for my children. For my sister and brothers. For my nephews and niece. For my cousins and their families. For my dad. For my aunts and uncles. It is a tragic, tragic disease, and a horrible way to die.
On top of that, I am just sad for my aunt that she has to go through this. Please keep our family in your prayers, and consider donating to the research happening for the screening and treatment of pancreatic cancer
http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas/support.php
Please include her and the rest of my family in your prayers...
Our family, apparently, is no stranger to pancreatic cancer. My cousin, Michelle, died in 2006 at the age of 39 from pancreatic cancer. As far as I know, she had very few risk factors, she was young, healthy, and a runner. She learned of her cancer in January, and died in May. She has beautiful twins, who were not quite 18 months when she died (they were born the week before Lilly...) My great-aunt Melva (my dad's aunt) died in her 80's of pancreatic cancer, and my great-grandmother (my dad's grandmother) also died as a result of this cancer. I also had a great-uncle who died in his early 60's as a result of colon cancer.
So, worried, I turn to the internet...the trusty internet for some answers. I did find some valid information (deemed valid because several reputable internet sites reported similar information--Johns Hopkins, some cancer center in New York), which provided some information on Hereditary Pancreatic Cancer.
"Sweet," I think...I can find a little info, bring it to my doctor, and that will earn me at least yearly screenings so that if I develop this horrible illness, we can catch it and treat it.
Only to discover that there is no screening method for this cancer. There is research, and hopefully, one day in the future, there will be.
To further discover, that while it is the fourth leading cause of cancer deaths (again, because it is generally untreatable), it is a cancer whose research is sorely under-funded...
So, I am more than a bit nervous. For myself, yes. But for my children. For my sister and brothers. For my nephews and niece. For my cousins and their families. For my dad. For my aunts and uncles. It is a tragic, tragic disease, and a horrible way to die.
On top of that, I am just sad for my aunt that she has to go through this. Please keep our family in your prayers, and consider donating to the research happening for the screening and treatment of pancreatic cancer
http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas/support.php
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Resiliency
-noun
1. The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
I met this word as a sixth grader, when my teacher remarked that I was "resilient". I liked how it sounded, it sounded so much like brilliant (another favorite word of mine), so I knew it had to be good. When I discovered what it meant, I liked it even more, and realized that I must be a resilient person.
Resiliency is the ability to pick yourself up after you fall over and over again in the relentless pursuit of a goal. It is taking lemons and making lemonade. It is reaching for the brass ring, even after you miss it the first five times around. It is keeping your nose to the grindstone in the face of adversity for the long haul because, in the end, it will all be worth it. Yes, I am resilient...
But I have seen resiliency that I don't know I posses. I work with people who have special needs, who face challenges every single day because their body, mind, spirit, or background have prevented them from functioning at the level of their peers. Every day, they pick themselves up (sometimes literally), and face each day. Sometimes they stumble, but they never stop. They never give up. Because what is the alternative? The mom of the child who has "behavioral problems", who each day chooses to love her child, because no one else will. Who drives 45 minutes for appointments, who has carefully scheduled her life around the needs of this child to make things just a little easier. Or the person who grew up in poverty, in addiction, and a part of "the system", who grabbed that brass ring the first time around, and took the opportunity to build a life and break that cycle. A person who is intelligent, articulate, caring, and never forgets the barriers that were overcome.
So, while I believe that I am a resilient person, and that, perhaps, in the face of such adversity, I would hold true to my beliefs that it is better to keep on going. But, thus far, my "resiliency" is just an ideal, nothing compared to the grit that I have seen in some very special people recently. I am so blessed to have these people in my life, to teach me about true persistence, true resiliency.
So take those lemons, don't chew on them! Add a little sugar, water, and make it something sweet!
1. The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
I met this word as a sixth grader, when my teacher remarked that I was "resilient". I liked how it sounded, it sounded so much like brilliant (another favorite word of mine), so I knew it had to be good. When I discovered what it meant, I liked it even more, and realized that I must be a resilient person.
Resiliency is the ability to pick yourself up after you fall over and over again in the relentless pursuit of a goal. It is taking lemons and making lemonade. It is reaching for the brass ring, even after you miss it the first five times around. It is keeping your nose to the grindstone in the face of adversity for the long haul because, in the end, it will all be worth it. Yes, I am resilient...
But I have seen resiliency that I don't know I posses. I work with people who have special needs, who face challenges every single day because their body, mind, spirit, or background have prevented them from functioning at the level of their peers. Every day, they pick themselves up (sometimes literally), and face each day. Sometimes they stumble, but they never stop. They never give up. Because what is the alternative? The mom of the child who has "behavioral problems", who each day chooses to love her child, because no one else will. Who drives 45 minutes for appointments, who has carefully scheduled her life around the needs of this child to make things just a little easier. Or the person who grew up in poverty, in addiction, and a part of "the system", who grabbed that brass ring the first time around, and took the opportunity to build a life and break that cycle. A person who is intelligent, articulate, caring, and never forgets the barriers that were overcome.
So, while I believe that I am a resilient person, and that, perhaps, in the face of such adversity, I would hold true to my beliefs that it is better to keep on going. But, thus far, my "resiliency" is just an ideal, nothing compared to the grit that I have seen in some very special people recently. I am so blessed to have these people in my life, to teach me about true persistence, true resiliency.
So take those lemons, don't chew on them! Add a little sugar, water, and make it something sweet!
Friday, March 12, 2010
A day off...
I took today off because the kids didn't have school today. There are quite a few days in the next month that they do not have school, so I thought I would take a few of those days off with them. I am trying to get the house clean, so that I can enjoy the rest of the weekend, but can't seem to find all of my motivation. Oh, well, it is about 1/2-way done and I have the rest of the day to finish the other half.
Fridays at work are my favorite day of the week to work, and now, they are my favorite day to have off from work, too. I am becoming a work-junkie, and with convenient remote access, I can check my e-mails whenever I want (oh, lucky me!). So, it is hard, if not impossible, for me to resist the urge to check my work e-mail. Because, you never know, the place could burn down if I'm not checked in. But, there is so little e-mail traffic on Fridays, and what few e-mails I have had, I was able to easily address. It is nice to feel like I can actually have a day off without the stress of work hanging over my head. Kind of like a mini-vacay, :)
Today, Lilly and I ran into St. Cloud to run a few errands. It was gloomy and rainy outside, and I didn't really want to be running around. But Lilly was feeling, oh, so chipper. She blabbed on and on from the backseat, mostly to herself as she was playing with some dolls. Gradually, the noise became louder and louder, until she was singing at the top of her lungs. This continued for about 10 minutes, when she stopped. I told her, "Lilly, that was a beautiful song,", and she informed me that she just made it up because she felt like singing. It was so perfect. She has so much joy, at times (when she isn't being a drama queen, :-)because she finds happiness in simple things.
I have always believed that I am a happy person, a person who can find and share joy, a person who looks at the bright side, and who believes in the value of hard work and persistence. But, as life moves on, it is starting to wear me down, and at times, I feel like I am losing those parts of myself that I have always believed to be "me". I think that I have shifted my priorities, both out of necessity, and out of a belief to fit into a certain mold, and those priorities aren't necessarily conducive to joyful self-expression. I will treasure that moment with Lilly that we had today, and I will always encourage her, as well as Alex and Cameron, to take a moment to find joy and to share it with others.
On a different note, we had conferences for all three kids last night at school. It was nice to hear that they are all doing well. They have all been blessed with very good teachers who complement their personalities. It has been such a good school year, I hate to see it winding down. You just never know what the next grade will bring...it could be great, but it could be terrible. I guess we have to just wait and see.
Hopefully, it stops raining soon and the spring flooding isn't too bad. Apparently the Sauk River is one that is being watched closely, as there is potential for significant flooding. Last year, one of the playgrounds which is on the river, was almost completely underwater. Hopefully, it isn't any worse this year, since many homes and businesses in our community are very close to the Sauk.
Stay dry!!
Fridays at work are my favorite day of the week to work, and now, they are my favorite day to have off from work, too. I am becoming a work-junkie, and with convenient remote access, I can check my e-mails whenever I want (oh, lucky me!). So, it is hard, if not impossible, for me to resist the urge to check my work e-mail. Because, you never know, the place could burn down if I'm not checked in. But, there is so little e-mail traffic on Fridays, and what few e-mails I have had, I was able to easily address. It is nice to feel like I can actually have a day off without the stress of work hanging over my head. Kind of like a mini-vacay, :)
Today, Lilly and I ran into St. Cloud to run a few errands. It was gloomy and rainy outside, and I didn't really want to be running around. But Lilly was feeling, oh, so chipper. She blabbed on and on from the backseat, mostly to herself as she was playing with some dolls. Gradually, the noise became louder and louder, until she was singing at the top of her lungs. This continued for about 10 minutes, when she stopped. I told her, "Lilly, that was a beautiful song,", and she informed me that she just made it up because she felt like singing. It was so perfect. She has so much joy, at times (when she isn't being a drama queen, :-)because she finds happiness in simple things.
I have always believed that I am a happy person, a person who can find and share joy, a person who looks at the bright side, and who believes in the value of hard work and persistence. But, as life moves on, it is starting to wear me down, and at times, I feel like I am losing those parts of myself that I have always believed to be "me". I think that I have shifted my priorities, both out of necessity, and out of a belief to fit into a certain mold, and those priorities aren't necessarily conducive to joyful self-expression. I will treasure that moment with Lilly that we had today, and I will always encourage her, as well as Alex and Cameron, to take a moment to find joy and to share it with others.
On a different note, we had conferences for all three kids last night at school. It was nice to hear that they are all doing well. They have all been blessed with very good teachers who complement their personalities. It has been such a good school year, I hate to see it winding down. You just never know what the next grade will bring...it could be great, but it could be terrible. I guess we have to just wait and see.
Hopefully, it stops raining soon and the spring flooding isn't too bad. Apparently the Sauk River is one that is being watched closely, as there is potential for significant flooding. Last year, one of the playgrounds which is on the river, was almost completely underwater. Hopefully, it isn't any worse this year, since many homes and businesses in our community are very close to the Sauk.
Stay dry!!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Productivity....
Saturday morning, and no where to go today. I'd better enjoy it because we are starting our SPOT dance program in two weeks. Practices every Saturday from March 13 to the end of April. It is a sacrifice, and one that I thought long and hard about. I really enjoy my Saturday mornings, and if they are like today, they are very productive. But, I decided I could sacrifice six or seven of them in a year for the girls who look forward to dance every year.
So far, I have....
Laundry for the week almost done--including my bedding
Both bathrooms clean from top to bottom (minus the floors...I'll get to that soon)
My bedroom clean and dusted.
The living room cleaned, dusted, and partially vacuumed
All the bills are paid--did that last night
I love feeling on top of all of my responsibilities. It usually only lasts so long, and once things get busy, I tend to let things go a bit.
Nothin' better than a sunny Saturday morning.
News around the Holen house:
Ed has been quite busy with taxes this year. So far, he has done as many returns as he did all year last year. He is doing a good job of keeping up with it all, but I'm sure he is looking forward to April 15.
As a result, I have been pretty much a single mom. As hard as that sounds, it really hasn't been too bad. I have finally started to put my foot down with the kids as far as making them responsible for household tasks, which gives me a little more time to veg out on the couch and watch "mommy tv", a treasure for me, since I so infrequently get to watch what I like.
I have been working hard at working out, although I know I need to pick up the frequency a bit. I usually get to Snap about 3x.week, I'd like to bump it up to four, but it is hard to find the time and energy, especially since I can't usually go until 8:45 or so. I am training for a 5k, I suppose, and recently was able to run 1.1 miles without stopping. This is a huge accomplishment for me, since I have never been any good at running.
The kids are doing well, growing fast. I am trying to take more time for them, letting myself be in the moment with them. It is truly hard to balance it all. Alex continues to have a good year in school, although he has recently had some tummy troubles. I am thinking he has some type of virus, but he has been queasy almost all day long for the past two weeks or so. I think it is getting better, I haven't heard as many complaints. Usually, by suppertime, it seems to work itself out, but by morning, he is feeling yucky again.
Cameron is also doing well in school. He has been reading the "Henry Huggins" books by Beverly Cleary, and some of the Ramona books, too. I love that he enjoys these books, since these were my favorite books growing up. He reads like a madman, and when he is not reading, he is either asking to play Madden '10 on the Xbox or he is throwing his red football in the air, dazzling me with his diving catches. That boy has the football bug, and he has it bad.
Lilly continues to be growing and changing. She loves preschool, and is doing well with her letters. She is also turning into quite a reader, which is impressive, considering that she is not even in kindergarten. She can read much of "Hop on Pop", and works hard to sound out words. If the words sound the same way they look, she can read almost anything. She gets mixed up with the "th", "sh", "ch" and other combinations.
As for me, things have been OK. Work has been busy, but overall has been a bit better than it has been over the past six months or so. I am beginning to write in a journal, and have three books on my "to do" pile. I just need to keep working on balance, saying no, and recognizing my boundaries. Not an easy task when it seems as though everyone needs so much from me. But I'll keep working at it.
Have a great day~it is sunny and beautiful here today, it might get up to 35 degrees.
So far, I have....
Laundry for the week almost done--including my bedding
Both bathrooms clean from top to bottom (minus the floors...I'll get to that soon)
My bedroom clean and dusted.
The living room cleaned, dusted, and partially vacuumed
All the bills are paid--did that last night
I love feeling on top of all of my responsibilities. It usually only lasts so long, and once things get busy, I tend to let things go a bit.
Nothin' better than a sunny Saturday morning.
News around the Holen house:
Ed has been quite busy with taxes this year. So far, he has done as many returns as he did all year last year. He is doing a good job of keeping up with it all, but I'm sure he is looking forward to April 15.
As a result, I have been pretty much a single mom. As hard as that sounds, it really hasn't been too bad. I have finally started to put my foot down with the kids as far as making them responsible for household tasks, which gives me a little more time to veg out on the couch and watch "mommy tv", a treasure for me, since I so infrequently get to watch what I like.
I have been working hard at working out, although I know I need to pick up the frequency a bit. I usually get to Snap about 3x.week, I'd like to bump it up to four, but it is hard to find the time and energy, especially since I can't usually go until 8:45 or so. I am training for a 5k, I suppose, and recently was able to run 1.1 miles without stopping. This is a huge accomplishment for me, since I have never been any good at running.
The kids are doing well, growing fast. I am trying to take more time for them, letting myself be in the moment with them. It is truly hard to balance it all. Alex continues to have a good year in school, although he has recently had some tummy troubles. I am thinking he has some type of virus, but he has been queasy almost all day long for the past two weeks or so. I think it is getting better, I haven't heard as many complaints. Usually, by suppertime, it seems to work itself out, but by morning, he is feeling yucky again.
Cameron is also doing well in school. He has been reading the "Henry Huggins" books by Beverly Cleary, and some of the Ramona books, too. I love that he enjoys these books, since these were my favorite books growing up. He reads like a madman, and when he is not reading, he is either asking to play Madden '10 on the Xbox or he is throwing his red football in the air, dazzling me with his diving catches. That boy has the football bug, and he has it bad.
Lilly continues to be growing and changing. She loves preschool, and is doing well with her letters. She is also turning into quite a reader, which is impressive, considering that she is not even in kindergarten. She can read much of "Hop on Pop", and works hard to sound out words. If the words sound the same way they look, she can read almost anything. She gets mixed up with the "th", "sh", "ch" and other combinations.
As for me, things have been OK. Work has been busy, but overall has been a bit better than it has been over the past six months or so. I am beginning to write in a journal, and have three books on my "to do" pile. I just need to keep working on balance, saying no, and recognizing my boundaries. Not an easy task when it seems as though everyone needs so much from me. But I'll keep working at it.
Have a great day~it is sunny and beautiful here today, it might get up to 35 degrees.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Happy obligations
Last night, I attended a lecture by Louise Erdrich, a favorite author of mine. She spoke about creativity. I first need to thank my friend Leslie, for the ticket. She works in the fine arts department at St. Ben's/St. John's, and was able to get tickets for those of us from book club who wanted to go. It was a very good evening, and one that will be the topic of this week's musing.
I generally don't think myself a creative person, at least not when it comes to anything visual. I can't draw, paint, or even decorate my home very well. I don't have a very good sense of style (I always wear solid pants/solid shirts, and only have a small pile of shoes to choose from). But I do feel the creative stream (Erdrich's words, not mine) flowing through me. I am imaginative.
I have always thought that I was an intelligent person. I always received good grades in high school and college, and had potential for better grades. But I never did more than what was required of me. I didn't actively seek out opportunities to expand my intelligence or creativity. As a child, I was a bookworm...I was always reading something. But, as a young adult, I pretty much stopped reading. And there were years, YEARS, let me tell you, that I never picked up a book. I don't know if it was information overload. As a college student taking a full load of credits, who really wants to sit down and read more, or attend more lectures? I just wanted to get done, get married, get a job, have babies, and live happily ever after.
And that is what I did.
And don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my life in which I am so incredibly satisfied. I realize how blessed I am. I have three beautiful, bright, healthy children, who generally don't try my patience too much (except when they are hyper, that really gets under my skin). But they are good kids, they try hard in school, they are good to other people, and they aren't punks (at least not yet). I have a wonderful husband. We have grown up together, and yet, he recognizes my need to be a separate person from him. He encourages me and supports me, and above all, loves me unconditionally. My work is immensely challenging, which is a double-edged sword. It can be both my blessing and my curse. I am working now on balancing the stressors of my job with the rewards, and am trying not to let my job consume me. Again, not sure if the job thing is a blessing or a curse, but regardless, I have a job that is diverse, challenging, and one where the sky is the limit, so I guess it falls more on the "blessing" end of the spectrum.
But when I look at that paragraph above, I see that all of my blessings are other people. I don't have a blessing that pertains to me.
At times, I feel as though something is missing. I feel like there is something in me which is uncultivated, untouched. Like an abandoned room in a house, where slipcovers protect the furniture from dust. Because I just don't quite feel like me.
As I'm listening to this woman, author of countless books and a literary genius, in my opinion, I realize that I have let my river of creativity flow without any intervention on my part to shape it, to develop it. I spend my creativity making spreadsheets for work. I spend my creativity making silly voices when I am reading to Lilly. I spend my creativity cleaning the house. Those are all fine tasks, necessary tasks. But I am sitting there, pondering this...is that all I can do with my river? Is there more I can do? If so, what should it be?
As a teenager, I used to write poetry. All types of poetry. Sonnets, Haikus, iambic pentameter (I can't even remember what that means, but it was a tool for me when I wrote). Granted, the poetry was nothing spectacular, and I'd probably be too embarrassed to share it. And, quite honestly, I don't even know where it is anymore. But that was how I expressed myself. That is how I put into words the thoughts that were stirring in my head. How do I express myself now? Is it a color-coded spreadsheet listing revenues by department? Don't get me wrong, some of my spreadsheets are totally kick-ass, but is that it for me in terms of self-expression? Do I express myself by vacuuming under the couch? How do I get this energy out of my head?
I have seriously been thinking about writing a book. First, if I can write a really great book, I can make some money. Wouldn't that be great? To sit down, spend a year writing a book, and make a boatload of cash...doesn't that sound easy? I also want to write a book to complete my mom's legacy. She was always going to write a book, the "Great American Novel", she called it. She was a Thorn Birds junkie, and she wanted to write a love story about a priest. It makes me giggle a little bit, but it might make a really good storyline. I've been kicking around possible story lines, characters, and settings. I want to write something that is not cliche, hokey, corny, or mindless, but I also know that I am not a very good writer.
So, in pondering this idea, I have been wondering the million dollar question...where do I come up with the time to explore such a crazy dream? Last night, at that lecture, someone asked her if she writes every day. She said, yes, she tries to write every day, but there are times that she can't. "Happy obligations," she called them. Her children, her family, her bookstore pull her away from her writing. Leslie and I looked at each other immediately, we had just been discussing over supper how to balance our family life, our work, and our own self. How do we keep from losing ourselves in the midst of all of this hubbub? I maintain a position of good Catholic motherly martyrdom. I believe that if I give all I have to my family now, when they all leave, I will be able to explore my own interests, and I will have no regrets. I won't look back and feel like I didn't do enough for my kids. But Leslie brings up another point...if you put it all on hold, how do you even know what your interests are once you have the time to explore them? And I began to think from a different point of view...if you put your life on hold to nurture the lives of others, what if you don't make it to the "finish line"? What if your life is cut short before you are able to explore your dreams? Do I want my life to end feeling incomplete, feeling like there was more to me that was never explored?
Hmmmmm, good point. But how do you squeeze it in? Ms. Erdrich writes daily in a diary. She calls it a warm-up exercise and part of her "mulch pile" of words and ideas to draw from when writing a book. OK, I can do that. I have long thought about auditing courses at St. Kate's. As an alumni, I am able to audit one course per semester for the rest of my life. That means I can sit in the class, but I don't have to do the work, and I don't receive credit. But there are logistical reasons why that doesn't happen. Even if I took a night course, one night per week for about 15 weeks, I would have to drive 1.5 hours to sit in class. That one will truly need to wait. I don't have time for that. I know that I can continue to read. Explore literature. Read from the great authors. Challenge myself to read something that is complicated, difficult to understand. I need to continue to challenge my intellect. I can begin paying attention to things around me that I have written off as boring, too complicated.
These are all great ideas, but the call "Mom..."will keep pulling me away from them for the foreseeable future. Happy obligations.
I generally don't think myself a creative person, at least not when it comes to anything visual. I can't draw, paint, or even decorate my home very well. I don't have a very good sense of style (I always wear solid pants/solid shirts, and only have a small pile of shoes to choose from). But I do feel the creative stream (Erdrich's words, not mine) flowing through me. I am imaginative.
I have always thought that I was an intelligent person. I always received good grades in high school and college, and had potential for better grades. But I never did more than what was required of me. I didn't actively seek out opportunities to expand my intelligence or creativity. As a child, I was a bookworm...I was always reading something. But, as a young adult, I pretty much stopped reading. And there were years, YEARS, let me tell you, that I never picked up a book. I don't know if it was information overload. As a college student taking a full load of credits, who really wants to sit down and read more, or attend more lectures? I just wanted to get done, get married, get a job, have babies, and live happily ever after.
And that is what I did.
And don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my life in which I am so incredibly satisfied. I realize how blessed I am. I have three beautiful, bright, healthy children, who generally don't try my patience too much (except when they are hyper, that really gets under my skin). But they are good kids, they try hard in school, they are good to other people, and they aren't punks (at least not yet). I have a wonderful husband. We have grown up together, and yet, he recognizes my need to be a separate person from him. He encourages me and supports me, and above all, loves me unconditionally. My work is immensely challenging, which is a double-edged sword. It can be both my blessing and my curse. I am working now on balancing the stressors of my job with the rewards, and am trying not to let my job consume me. Again, not sure if the job thing is a blessing or a curse, but regardless, I have a job that is diverse, challenging, and one where the sky is the limit, so I guess it falls more on the "blessing" end of the spectrum.
But when I look at that paragraph above, I see that all of my blessings are other people. I don't have a blessing that pertains to me.
At times, I feel as though something is missing. I feel like there is something in me which is uncultivated, untouched. Like an abandoned room in a house, where slipcovers protect the furniture from dust. Because I just don't quite feel like me.
As I'm listening to this woman, author of countless books and a literary genius, in my opinion, I realize that I have let my river of creativity flow without any intervention on my part to shape it, to develop it. I spend my creativity making spreadsheets for work. I spend my creativity making silly voices when I am reading to Lilly. I spend my creativity cleaning the house. Those are all fine tasks, necessary tasks. But I am sitting there, pondering this...is that all I can do with my river? Is there more I can do? If so, what should it be?
As a teenager, I used to write poetry. All types of poetry. Sonnets, Haikus, iambic pentameter (I can't even remember what that means, but it was a tool for me when I wrote). Granted, the poetry was nothing spectacular, and I'd probably be too embarrassed to share it. And, quite honestly, I don't even know where it is anymore. But that was how I expressed myself. That is how I put into words the thoughts that were stirring in my head. How do I express myself now? Is it a color-coded spreadsheet listing revenues by department? Don't get me wrong, some of my spreadsheets are totally kick-ass, but is that it for me in terms of self-expression? Do I express myself by vacuuming under the couch? How do I get this energy out of my head?
I have seriously been thinking about writing a book. First, if I can write a really great book, I can make some money. Wouldn't that be great? To sit down, spend a year writing a book, and make a boatload of cash...doesn't that sound easy? I also want to write a book to complete my mom's legacy. She was always going to write a book, the "Great American Novel", she called it. She was a Thorn Birds junkie, and she wanted to write a love story about a priest. It makes me giggle a little bit, but it might make a really good storyline. I've been kicking around possible story lines, characters, and settings. I want to write something that is not cliche, hokey, corny, or mindless, but I also know that I am not a very good writer.
So, in pondering this idea, I have been wondering the million dollar question...where do I come up with the time to explore such a crazy dream? Last night, at that lecture, someone asked her if she writes every day. She said, yes, she tries to write every day, but there are times that she can't. "Happy obligations," she called them. Her children, her family, her bookstore pull her away from her writing. Leslie and I looked at each other immediately, we had just been discussing over supper how to balance our family life, our work, and our own self. How do we keep from losing ourselves in the midst of all of this hubbub? I maintain a position of good Catholic motherly martyrdom. I believe that if I give all I have to my family now, when they all leave, I will be able to explore my own interests, and I will have no regrets. I won't look back and feel like I didn't do enough for my kids. But Leslie brings up another point...if you put it all on hold, how do you even know what your interests are once you have the time to explore them? And I began to think from a different point of view...if you put your life on hold to nurture the lives of others, what if you don't make it to the "finish line"? What if your life is cut short before you are able to explore your dreams? Do I want my life to end feeling incomplete, feeling like there was more to me that was never explored?
Hmmmmm, good point. But how do you squeeze it in? Ms. Erdrich writes daily in a diary. She calls it a warm-up exercise and part of her "mulch pile" of words and ideas to draw from when writing a book. OK, I can do that. I have long thought about auditing courses at St. Kate's. As an alumni, I am able to audit one course per semester for the rest of my life. That means I can sit in the class, but I don't have to do the work, and I don't receive credit. But there are logistical reasons why that doesn't happen. Even if I took a night course, one night per week for about 15 weeks, I would have to drive 1.5 hours to sit in class. That one will truly need to wait. I don't have time for that. I know that I can continue to read. Explore literature. Read from the great authors. Challenge myself to read something that is complicated, difficult to understand. I need to continue to challenge my intellect. I can begin paying attention to things around me that I have written off as boring, too complicated.
These are all great ideas, but the call "Mom..."will keep pulling me away from them for the foreseeable future. Happy obligations.
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